And now for a tentative list of ways to be “That Guy”
That Guy who wears the T-shirt of the Band whose concert he is attending.
This is the most famous “That Guy”, made such by the David Spade movie, PCU. This That Guy accusation is really more classic than it is legitimate. As far as big franchise rock concerts go, it seems as if at least a third to a half of all attending concertgoers are wearing the T-Shirt of the band they came to see. Since this platform is hardly a minority anymore, the “Don’t be that guy” accusation to these people has become more of a tradition of tribute to PCU. In reality, there is another “That Guy” for T-shirts at rock concerts, one that this columnist has taken enthusiasm to being whenever possible. I refer to that guy who wears the T-shirt of different band from the one he is going to see. This is a much better, modern version of that original guy, because his numbers are far fewer nowadays, and unlike the original manifestation of that guy, when you see this new guy, you sometimes have to stop and wonder what his deal is. Is he not a fan of this band he’s come to see? Is he a fan of this band but just likes that band better? Does he like this band better but doesn’t have any T-Shirts of them? Oh man he must really love music…
That Guy who invites himself along.
We all know this guy, and we all know what a dilemma it is to have to discuss plans around him. Usually the situation is not a problem unless that person asks, “So what are you guys up to tonight?” Then you have to be careful because you don’t want to blatantly lie, because this guy is still good friends with Joe, and you don’t want Joe to think that you all hate his friend (it’s bad enough you don’t tell Joe what’s going on later anymore since he’s often going to bring Lawrence with him). Of course when he asks what you’s are up to later, you can’t just tell the truth and say, “Yea we’re gonna hit up the lazer-floyd-show, which is only 6 bucks this week and then we’re going to go steal property from and urinate on the local university.” Because then he’s going to say, “Oh, mind if I tag along?” And then you’ll have to say, “Uh, sure, but we don’t know yet if we’re actually gonna go tonight.” So when he asks what you’re doing you have to say something like “We’re doing something ultra borring and mega-lame with this guy who's definite trouble” so hopefully that guy will say, “Oh… have fun!”
That Guy who always 'knows' statistics.
Did you know that 79% of all Americans who have annoying friends that always offer some bizarre statistic about every possible situation also have a date of birth that is the same as the date of the inaugural address of an assassinated president? No? Good. Because these are the kind of things you would know if you had to put up with that guy who seems to know everything about everything, and needs to constantly remind us. And these people are hard to deal with because even when you prepare yourself—“Okay today I’m gonna see Scott, so I better be careful not to bring up any out of the ordinary topic that he can tell me statistics about”—it’s still incredibly risky and sometimes unavoidable. “Oh hey Scott. Where am I going? Nowhere really, I’m just going to drive to Biff’s house to pick up him and Geor-…no, Scott, I had no idea that all cars made in America have horns that are in the key of F or higher, but it’s a good thing you were here to enlighten me, because who knows when someone might honk at me and if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have known what pitch they were honking at… …ass”.
That guy who makes the unnecessary comment that we’re all thinking but know is either dumb or innapropriate.
Everybody knows what it’s like to be in that situation during conversation where the opportunity comes up to make that corny joke or pun or observation, but you use your edit function and say to yourself, “Of course you don’t want to say that out loud, that would be a terrible idea.” But there’s always that guy who has no edit function, and just says whatever occurs to him to say despite what imbalance it might cause to the fabric of the universe. Some of these guys are working towards doing the right thing and ceasing these comments. If any of you are this guy and are trying to turn your life around, here are a few guidelines to know when not to say something. If what you’re about to say starts off with, “Now THAT’s what I call *something*…” then there is a very high probability that this does not need to be said. If the sentence structure looks anything like this: “*item of discussion*? More like *new item that rhymes with item of discussion*!!!“, then hold off to wait to see if anybody else says it. If nobody else says it, then you’ll know it was a good move not to say it yourself. Lastly, any time you are tempted to say a witty or clever quip, stop and think if Austin Powers has ever said it before. If he has said it, or if you can imagine him saying it, then please, in the name of all that is holy, do the right thing and keep it to yourself.
That Guy who doesn’t return your borrowed movies.
This one is self-explanatory, however keep in mind the stipulation that if the movie was not originally yours, and you only had it because you stole it from blockbuster, the person who borrowed it is not that guy for not returning it, but rather, you are that guy for expecting it back (okay, Dave?).
That Guy who claims to be a fan of something, but clearly doesn’t know the first thing about it.
This is a highly debated and very delicate that guy because it has the highest reciprocity of that guydom, People are often afraid to accuse people of being this guy because they know that they definitely don’t want to be this guy’s counterpart, which is that guy who accuses others of not being a real fan of something. Neither one of these guys are real savory characters so tread lightly on both sides. If you’ve only seen Reservoir Dogs once, don’t claim it’s one of your favorite films because if someone in the room is an actual huge fan, and shoots some dialogue from the movie your way, they’ll expect some sort of reply from you, and when you fail to produce any recognition of what they’re babbling about, you will surely be revealed as that guy that you are. Conversely, if you find yourself quizzing someone to find out if they’re really as big a fan of something as they say, and you find out that they’re not, it’s best not to make a big deal, because while you have discovered that guy, too much publicity will surely reveal you as the pretentious, elitist fan you are, aka that other guy.
