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Seizures: A How-To.
by Loj

Let me start by saying that there is no law against faking an illness in a public place, except disturbing the peace, but lets just call that the “entrance fee” into this seizure filled world of fun and excitement. Now some of you may ask yourselves, as I know many of the people reading this probably talk to themselves, “loj, what gives you the authority, dare I say…the audacity, to give a ‘how-to’ on seizures…and what the hell does that even mean?” Let me clarify…

In my youth I was not a “calm” child. I enjoyed running around and getting into things just as much as any other child does. My father enjoyed my antics as a child, and encouraged them as much as parental limits would allow. I admired him for this in giving me freedom to pretty much torture whoever I wanted. However, at certain times he would intervene, not to stop me, but to lead me in the right direction. One such instance I can recall is the ill-fated “O’Neill’s go to Disney World family vacation” aka “Brendan ruins vacation…again.” As I can recall it was a hot summer day in the 5th circle of hell known as the magic kingdom on the grounds of Disney World, just me and dad without the watchful scorn of buzz kill mom and no place in particular to be. Then about 30 feet in front of me appeared some sucker who signed up to be Mickey Mouse in the 900,000 degree temperature. I’m not sure what it is about people in those costumes…maybe it’s the lack of mobility, maybe it’s the inability to talk or really fight back…but if you don’t want to torture them every time you see them, you are not American. Well, my father and I are Americans, and I will be damned if he didn’t want to torture Mickey. But how? At the time I was and idiot and thought everything was funny... if it were up to me I just would have tried to tackle him and run away. My dad had a much better plan. He leaned over to me and said,

“Hey buddo, wanna play a joke?”
-ok dad
“Do you remember when your cousin mark fell down playing tennis and had a seizure?”
“Well, I’ll bet you 10 bucks you can’t do that in front of Mickey”
-everyone freaked out when that happened…
-I just hope your ready to run away

Calmly I walked up to Mickey Mouse, I gave a big smile to dad’s video camera, turned to hug Mickey, and took a header. The seizure was magnificent. What would you do if someone was about to bite their tongue of in front of you. Mickey = runs the hell away. Surprising fact- Walt Disney World has a large security force which responds quickly to any situation, especially when it looks like a child is about to be injured. Needless to say neither my father nor I could keep a straight face as we were driven to the Disney world security house. It might be some kind of law that you can harass the big suit people…blah blah blah…we caught a hefty fine, and mom had to come get us. Holy shit was she pissed…

I have had quite a few years to go over this event in my head. The intricacies are limitless, but I am giving this “how to” from personal experience and a through analysis, so if you feel there is a better way to pull this off, drop dead.

    How to Fake a Seizure

  1. Pick Your Mark – The first step to fake a seizure is to be able to freak someone the hell out. Your mark in this case is someone you know will start screaming or running around at the site of convulsions. Your ideal of course is to find a mark in a crowded area, so that the innocent are also affected by your actions.

  2. Set The Stage – This is where the acting begins. Make sure you make direct eye contact with your mark. The importance of this is to let them see that you are doing fine. A simple smile or head nod works great to let someone know everything’s a-ok, but if you can try to get someone to embrace you. (This is difficult if not impossible if you mark is not someone you actually know…use common sense with the hugging…you don’t want to get shot.) Then start your final approach. If you mark is not waiting for an embrace, hold your hand up or gesture that you want to talk to them. Don’t forget to breathe, cause your gonna need to hold your breath for a while…

  3. Initiation and full-out seizure - Before a seizure hits there is a short period of headache and hyperventilation, luckily most people don’t know that. The easiest thing to do is to shorten these symptoms into a 2 second instantly debilitating reaction. Clutch your chest and roll your eyes back as best you can, go to take a step and let your knee give out and your head bounce off the floor. (Just take a header, it makes it look real…just don’t knock yourself out). Immediately initiate convulsions. To do this and make it look real, use your stomach as the main muscle convulsion source. Legs kick out and fold back to the fetal position. Use your arms to swing at anyone who tries to aid you in any way*. If you can muster tears, it always helps. But the selling point is the facial reaction. If you don’t have the face, no one will buy the act. My advice is to make the face as if you just saw your great grandmother naked and she has stabbed you with one of her cats. Scared/Pain/Loving your Great Nana. Put your tongue in the back of your mouth, lock your jaw and grind your teeth together, spit as much as possible through your teeth, and breath through your mouth. You’re money baby. Keep this up for a solid twenty seconds or so and then, with a final death swing, stop in the fetal position face down. Hold your breath! Lock your position except your neck, which should flop if anyone tries to move you (hopefully by this point everyone will just be watching in horror, unable to help).

    *If you want to let a friend help you out by screaming “HE’S GONNA SWALLOW HIS TOUNGE!” Try not to punch him in the face…if you just struggle with him and swing sideways, it will be easier to keep a lot of people away. Your friend can also aid in outcome A by screaming “GET OUT!” and “CALL FOR HELP!” It can’t hurt as long as your cohort is a good actor, and if he/she is a real spaz, they can even add to the panic, which is a plus in my book.

  4. The Finale – At this point there are two things that can be happening. A) Everyone ran out of the room screaming and crying, B) You have stopped trying to take everyone’s heads off and people are trying to help. A is you best possible outcome because…well, in my world that’s the joke. B is a problem, but also amusing. After a good time of not moving you have to move again…don’t forget to breath eventually. The best way is gather your entire strength, jump up and proclaim yourself the messiah or an ancient ninja. Enjoy the reaction of the people still in the vicinity. They are about to get mad. If you think you can take the entire room, stay and fight…otherwise make a hasty retreat, and let everyone calm down.

In the end, you have horrified a lot of people. I suggest using this sparingly, because let me reiterate: PEOPLE GET REALLY ANGRY. THEY YELL A LOT. The get even angrier if they catch you faking, so make sure you think about where you’re doing this…a room full of your friends isn’t gonna work. My best suggestion is to make a quick retreat from where the “scene” happened because I cant even imagine how mad the paramedics would get if they got there and found you…oh man, you better be prepared for a beating then. And people might come back, blah blah, just get out; you have already done so much damage its ridiculous. And there you have it. If you follow these instructions then congratulations, you are well on your way to jamming out on some old Death records in the bowls of hell. Until next time…