Have you ever considered the possibility of being alone in your bed when you hear an intruder in your house? Chances are you have no way of defending yourself, while the average criminal is likely armed with at least a big flashlight. Once you hear your intruder coming up the stairs (assuming you live in a two story dwelling and sleep on the second floor), you may have to face the fact that you are utterly defenseless. However there is an alternate approach to lying there and letting old TakeyMcGee harm you and steal your commemoratives. What if you can scare him away? Not by any traditional means, but in a very psychological and disturbing manner. What if you could say something to your intruder that is so creepy and disturbing that he decides to simply leave of his own choice? The Fifth Step is an activity where you try to come up with terrifyingly disturbing things you could say to a criminal who has entered your home and is now staring you in the face. The key is subtlety. It's pointless to just say, I will fuck you up with my ninja skills... you gotta say something that almost suggests that you're not TRYING to scare him away, or perhaps even, you're glad he joined you...
You there... with the knife and the bag...
Whenever the cows go moo, I discover the sun's disappointing aroma of clowns.
You and I were separated at birth...back then I was merely a small tumor... now I sell glass.
There's chloroform in the hall closet. I'll tan you after breakfast.
Check out my latest batch of SARS- I call this one 'Toronto on Fire'
I'm proud of this house whose infamy has spawned such band names as 'the Dead Milkmen', 'the Dead UPS Guys', 'the Dead Girl Scouts', and of course 'Flock of Seagulls'.
My agreement with the moon does not include your selfishness.
I promise to dig you up once a month to celebrate your honesty.
My obsession with foreigners pales in comparison to my quicksand collection.
My gladiators yearn to regurgitate you
Take off all of your clothes and recite Poe's "The Raven".
Some call me a pervert, others call me God. You may call me Douglass, or knife-man.
It's time for your bath, senator.
How good was it when we built this house inside the belly of a great beached whale...
Reach into your left pocket... you'll find your childhood there.
Trap Doors are a Hobby of Mine...
In the next life, you will be assassinating yourself in protest against your cruel alien owners
I will construct aqueducts to channel the nectar of your being.
Postmortem shadow puppets are my favorite way to kill an afternoon and some parents...
Light the 4th candle and relinquish your bride.
I finally found a tattoo artist capable of capturing the adorable face you made on that Christmas that we had your childhood pet put to sleep...
I removed your spine without you knowing
At last, the number 14 is finally the biggest part of my life!
What part of the Battle-Axe is your favorite? Personally, I enjoy the handle...
My Reflection Solidified the other day
Lester found me as a small boy by the lake freezing- here take this gall bladder, I'm afraid of what it might teach me.
You remind me of a younger cadaver of yourself.
Gee, I hope this is the real Santa, because my closets are getting full...
I can't understand... I thought you didn't like standing in a crossfire?
Secretions aren't your ticket to reality.
I noticed you didn't genuflect as you passed the neon Walter...
On the night of March 4, 2006, you will realize the importance of your index fingers.
I'll use your scars as a map to the pasture.
Try not to be distracted by thoughts of dad beating us by candle-light...
The sensei's been asking about you.
I am going to fill your tear ducts with ink and watch you cry, literally.
I think we should leave. My clones are probably conspiring against us.
The structural integrity of this house reeks of John Dillenger.
Cut me down from my noose before you have your way with me, but please string me back up upon release.
Your alphabet differs from mine, but that's no reason to start bleeding.
I'm not real, you only hear my voice cause I'm talking to you in a coma
Trust your instincts... Lancelot installed them correctly.
If you accidentally bump into the Evil Eye, just think, "Gas Chamber", and brush it aside.
Today was the first day your name didn't appear in my veins.
Your shoulders are so tender, yet afforable.
Watch your Step… Ever since I've been diagnosed with aids, mirrors just seem to shatter at random, and I don't suspect the burning refugees have anything to do with it.
The sound will be deafening, as my turntable is garnished with rosary beads...
I desperately long for a better view of you, but my third eye is only supposed to open at the end of the universe. Oh well, here goes nothing...
You have the robust sensibilities of some of my favorite books...
Wait, you didn't turn the door knob clockwise, did you? Nevermind. Quick, grab a bucket of water, meet me in the attic, and for god's sake, try to act like a General!
Landfills of your descendants quake with your decision
Let's reanimate each other!
How did you get past my sentinels without hitting the Malaysian growth spurt??
If you don't see the nets, the poison in the darts must be taking effect.
I already called 911 so don't worry, the ambulance is on its way.
The more I search for redemption, the more I enjoy bathing in the radiant glow of your father's seizures.
The pillars of bone march to your heartbeat.
Let's go hunting for the despair of life's indifference and young redheads with attitude.
Try not to fathom your sudden endurance.
Ironic that your daughter will be concieved here too... your parents really liked the drapes and my instructions.
I'll keep you anonymous if you don't try to untie yourself.
I'm not worried whether you'll survive the transfusion, but whether I'll have enough AB positive to sustain you through the duration of Mardis Gras
After gazing into my blue orb, I recommend not looking back at my face... for you might see history reverse itself.
My thermostat grants you wisdom.
I am surrounded by a forcefield of 100% Scott Bakula
It's under the fifth step and completely drained of blood. Touch it gently, if at all.
