By the Dim Sun Staff

CAMBRIDGE, Mass., April 11 - In a move many are calling "oh, so Larry," Harvard University President Lawrence H. Summers announced Thursday that he himself would be filling the position left by former Harvard Law School Dean Robert C. Clark. "There frankly isn't anybody out there who I think will do a better job than yours truly," Summers said, announcing his own appointment to a crowd of shocked students and faculty in Austin Hall. "Let's face it people, this place is a one-man show anyway. Why keep up the pretense?"

He made some mention in his fifty-five minute speech of the process through which the post was filled. "Faculty, students, staff, alumni, and others have all been very generous with their candid and constructive counsel about the School and its next dean," he said. "And as usual, I have chosen to ignore them all and do whatever the hell I want."

"Finally, as we congratulate me and look ahead," Summers added, "I want again to express my deepest gratitude to Bob Clark, whose timely departure gives me a great opportunity for an ego boost at the end of a tough week. With the war in Iraq ostensibly going so well and the media largely afraid to critique the government, the Republicans may keep the White House in 2004, and I may never get appointed Chairman of the Federal Reserve when gangGreenspan croaks!"

Addressing his promise to perform his administrative duties dressed as a woman, Summers stressed the university's commitment to diversity across the spectra of race, class and gender, and claimed that his putting on typically female clothing would help further that goal. "Plus, Lizzie really likes it when I put on one of her pantsuits and apply lipstick and eyeliner," he added. "She says it helps her break free of the phallocentric discourse that confines her socio-politically, psychologically and economically."

The President went on in his speech to reaffirm the urgent necessity of self-appointment, emphasizing the security concerns that influenced the decision. "Just think of me as pre-empting the possible selection of a really, really bad dean," Summers suggested. "He or she may oppose the Law School's moving across the River, which would make room for the construction of a Scrooge McDuck-esque swimming pool full of gold coins that the Board of Overseers and I could swim in." He then quipped, "my backstroke's a little rusty right now. Ha ha. Get it, 'rusty,' like metal? Ha. How comical! Why are you crying, little girl?"

Economics clearly figured heavily in Summers's decision, and he touted his ability to understand the discipline as one of the main strengths he would bring to the job. As he explained his reasoning for hiring himself, "it all comes down to simple mathematics: the fewer the deans, the fewer the people I need to trample to get my way."

Several members of the Harvard faculty expressed their discontent with what they feel is a usurpation on the part of Summers. "Damn it, I wanted that job, too!" exclaimed soon-to-be Dean of Harvard College Benedict H. "Dick" Gross, himself a specialist in mathematics. But Gross did not seem overly discouraged by the news, saying he would stop at nothing to obtain the post: "They don't call me Dickbeth for nothin'."