An old woman went into her doctor's office and confessed an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Dr. Johnson, but they're soundless and have no odor. In fact since I've been in here I've farted at least twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription Mrs. Barker," the doctor said. "Take one of these pills three times a day for the next seven days and come back and see me in a week." The next week an upset Mrs. Barker marches into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?!?" "Calm down Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest. The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare." The drunks did just that. Shortly, a gay man came in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
These three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Grand Canyon College and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Arizona School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "Well, I'm an ASU Sun Devil Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect."
~~~A~True~Joke~~~The following is a true story....
In July, 1997 a blonde from Wisconsin vacationed at a resort on Table Rock Lake near Branson, Missouri ....it was one of those hot summer days in the 90's, the air-conditioners were running in all of the resort cabins....A blonde came to the door of the owner's living quarters and said, "A fuse just blew in our cabin!" The owner went to the cabin. The air-conditioner was on and in the bathroom was an electric space heater ....turned on to it maximum output! The owner asked the blonde why she had the electric heater running while the air-conditioner was running....she told him she wanted to shave her legs and it was too cold in the room ....so she got the electric heater out of her car. (Wonder what happened to changing the thermostat on the air-conditioner?) She said when she got cold she got goose bumps and she was afraid she would cut the heads off of the goose bumps when she shaved her legs.
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where did you get that?" The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"
There were three hunters staying in a cabin in the woods and one of them brought home a huge buck one night. The other two hunters asked him how he got it and he replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the buck." The next day the second hunter brought home a great big elk and when the other two hunters asked him how he got it he exclaimed, "You were so right. I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and shot the elk." The day after that, the third hunter walked in all bloody and the other two worriedly asked him what had happened and he cooly said with a tear in his eye, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I was hit by the train."
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. Whatever you do, cautioned one youngster to the other, Dont step on it! Why not? asked the sibling. Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream! Thank you for visiting my page at Angelfire. Please come back and visit again!
