The Sneakret Wars was one of CBR's better collaborative stories, in my opinion. I believe it was written sometime around April 1999, since this was the month in which Alistair, then known as Al, was elected COTM. The story dealt with Evil Sneak's second attempt at world domination (the first took place before I came to CBR). At the ceremony to present Al with the COTM Tiara, Sneak stole the Tiara, which was made of a mysterious and powerful material called Weilandium. He used the Tiara to gain awesome powers.
These are the two concluding chapters. They will probably be somewhat confusing if you haven't read the earlier part of the story. I wrote one of these chapters and even I don't understand some of the references in it. However, I think these chapters are worth preserving for a couple reasons.
First, they're fairly entertaining. I won't say anything about the one I wrote, but the one Al wrote is an excellent story in its own right. Though he unfortunately doesn't post much anymore, Al is a very good fan fiction writer whose contributions to collaborative stories were always entertaining and well-written. Second, this story is part of our community's history. For newer posters, these chapters provides a glimpse into what CBR was like five years ago; for older posters, they may invoke pleasant feelings of nostalgia.
Here they are, and I hope you enjoy them.
“Tim and the Tiaras” (Conclusion of Sneakret Wars, pt. 1, by Sir Tim Drake)
"Pass me that Cosmic Control Fork, please," said Sir Tim. Al was a little surprised, but obeyed.
"Cosmic Control Fork!" said Tim, holding the mighty relic up to the light. "I command you to levitate the Tiara off Lord Sneak's head!" Who, as it happens, had just come down in person to watch the executions.
The fork bent eerily and glowed with a mystic light. But nothing happened. Tim repeated the command. Still nothing.
"Uh, Tim," said T'Omm, "the Cosmic Control Fork doesn't have power over the Tiaras. That fork is made of a blend of Comiconium and Alvarum. It has no power over the Tiaras' Weilandium."
"Darn," said Tim. He got another idea. "Cosmic Control Fork!" shouted Tim. "Make yourself five feet long!" It did. The five-foot-long fork looked very odd.
Tim reached out nimbly toward Sneak, who had not yet seen him. Although the continuity at this point was a little confusing, Sneak seemed to be wearing some kind of Tiara. Perhaps it was a Hyppotime Tiara, because Tim remembered that fly and Hairbutt had both the Tiaras at this point. But no matter, it was still a Tiara. And Sneak hadn't seen him yet.
Tim reached out with the fork and dipped the tines under Sneak's short hairline, reaching for the rim of the Tiara. The prongs made contact with the Tiara and began to slide it off Sneak's head and onto the base of the Fork.
It looked like Tim's efforts would succeed, until Sneak turned around, noticing a very peculiar feeling on the back of his scalp. "What? Sir Tim!" shouted the villain. "How did you get here? Ah, well... you're easily dealt with."
He snapped his fingers, and four of his diabolical allies popped into existence: Red Monster, growling and slavering, with her Troupe behind her; Goldenager, looking more evil and android-like than ever; the beautiful yet hellish goblin queen; and a very ordinary-looking Johnny DC.
"Sic 'em, boys and girls!" shouted Sneak, and turned back to the monitor.
But before the command reached their Sneakified brains, Tim tossed the Fork back to Al, shouting, "You know what to do!"
The rightful COTM raised the cosmically powered table utensil and teleported Parallax, Buried Alien, and Cei-U!'s Bahdnesian Thunderbolt into the room.
Instantly the room erupted into a battle such as few had ever seen. Thunderbolts and fists of green energy contended with android weaponry and blasts of hellfire as JDC constantly stopped and restarted time. In the midst of all this Tim, brandishing his sword, and T'Omm, Cosmic Control Fork in hand, fought their way closer and closer to Sneak. From the monitor his death squads watched in awe, unable to tear themselves from the display to execute the Forgotten or do anything about the heroes who were tearing through their ranks.
Finally, as battle raged around them, Tim and T'Omm surged right up against the villain himself. Drawing his Ruby Rapier, Sneak matched Tim's sword strokes blow for blow, while T'Omm tried Tim's ploy with the fork a second time.
As sword clashed with Ruby Rapier, Sneak was unable to notice the Fork probing beneath his hairline... catching the inner rim of the Tiara... and lifting it off his head.
And just like that, Sneak was powerless. His corrupted Weilanders returned at once to their original personalities; his magically created death squads blinked out of existence; and the villain collapsed to the floor, Tiara-less.
T'Omm hurled the Tiara to Tim. But unexpectedly, Tim didn't put it on.
"I'm too decent and polite to influence anyone," Tim said. "If I put on this Tiara and everyone was like me, life would become way too cute and boring. And besides, I'm not the one who has the right to this thing. You do [sic]," he said, pointing to one of his allies. "You're just an ordinary guy... a little warlike maybe, but if everyone was like you, the world sure wouldn't be boring. And after all, you did win this Tiara by the vote of our community."
Tim wasn't sure he'd convinced anyone with this scatterbrained argument, but notwithstanding, he turned around and handed the Tiara to its rightful wearer, Al.
"You're the one who has to decide which course CBR will follow- Sneak and the Triumvirate's evil dominion, or freedom. So choose, Al," Tim said, shamelessly ripping off Kingdom Come. "Decide the world."
“The Sneakret Wars: The Final Final Chapter” by Al
(*Okay. I started this whole fanfic thing at the CotM ceremony. I have the opportunity now to finish it. And finish it entirely. Please, and this is being asked as a favour from everyone, let me do this. I know that we're probably going to get some "final final final FINAL chapter" from Blue Spider but there are some people who will just do that kind of stuff. I hope to treat everyone fairly, and to try to clean up some of the mess. But if all goes well, this should be the final end of the Sneak Wars/Sneakret Wars. Wish me luck.*)
Al stood in the Sneak-O-Tron chamber and looked around him. There was the Sneak-O-Tron, destroyed by a Spiderbomb by the Azure Arachknight. There was the body of The Blue Al, an amalgam of Evil Al and The Blue Spider (who Al still had difficulty telling apart from the Azure Arachknight). There was Evil Sneak, divested of the original, one true Tiara, which now lay in its rightful place on Al's head. There were his Counterinsurgency Forces - Artemis~* and her troops from the JSS. There were Al's allies - T'Omm, JeeB, Sir Tim Drake, Fenris and the rest of the Forgotten, Parallax and Buried Alien. Lord Sneak's armies had disappeared. Suddenly, the door of the chamber swung back and in came Chancellors Paradox, Mac Danny and Phantom, followed by the buzzing watcher: fly on the wall.
"Lord Sneak, we are undone!" cried Mac Danny. "Our armies have vanished totally!"
"Yes, chancellor," said Evil Sneak, "I fear our hour may be upon us. Our fate lies in this man's hands. He holds both the Weilandium Tiara and the Cosmic Control Fork, fashioned from a mix of Comiconium and Alvarum. His is now the power."
"Well, this should be interesting," said fly.
Just then, two more figures strode through the doors. Al recognised them as Hairbutt and Falcoria.
"I don't think it's quite that simple," said Hairbutt. "You see, Falcoria and I have mastery over Hyppotime. That's why there have been so many divergent timelines and contradictory events over the last few days."
"Some of these events have survived, merging into the 'lead hippo', whilst others have been simply destroyed. It was the work of a moment to undo the Azure Arachknight's feeble 'zam' thing."
"And whatever you decide, CotM, the alternatives will all occur anyway, just in other timelines. An Falcoria, fly and myself will decide which is the 'real' timeline."
"Al, you must act now," said Lord Sneak, "my empire is crumbling, but this is a matter of even greater scope. I have no suggestions as to what you can do, but this is certain - you must do *something*."
Al looked around at the faces in the crowd. Noble warriors that had fought each other over the last three days. Some who had died, been betrayed, been possessed, had had their Omniviewing Devices destroyed, and had been reborn. These people could not be permitted to be manipulated by Hairbutt, fly and Falcoria's plan. Al thought rapidly. There was only one thing he could do.
The minerals of three sites worked in unison for the first time, as Al used the Cosmic Control Fork and the Tiara to extend his awareness to encompass eternity. Beyond the Weilandverse, his vision caught glimpses of other realities and snatches of conversations...
"I don't believe that was really Mark Waid..."
"Okay, guys, my comic is on the 'net!..."
"You must be new to J Street, hi, I'm Rydgen..."
"Why Fanfic Generally Stinks..."
"Hal? The new Spectre?..."
Everything was coming apart. Fracturing. Diverging. There was only one real possible course of action.
There was a rumble as the first reality merged with the second. Then the third.
Falcoria ran to the Omniviewing Device. After some cajoling and kicking, it spluttered briefly into life again, and Falcoria saw the most astounding sight any of them would ever see. It was as though there were an infinite number of CBRs, all lined up in a row, crashing into each other, destroying each other in places and in others... merging.
Hairbutt sensed Al's plan. "No! You insolent whelp! You can't mean to..."
"Yes... I... can..." said Al through gritted teeth, beads of sweat rolling down his temples. "I'm going to... seal off... Hyppotime..."
"NO!" Hairbutt launched himself at Al. He was stopped in his path, however, by a blast from a large gun. He looked up, to see the smoking barrel of the YoMammaTron 2000, and behind that the smirking face of JeeB. "I don't think so," said the wild card.
"This is it, everyone," shouted T'Omm above the noise of the merging realities, "hold on, see you on the other side!"
Al's Tiara began to glow with a magnesium light as the final convergence took place.
The participants stood in the Sneak-O-Tron chamber. It was intact. There was no wreckage, and no evidence of any Sneak-O-Tron devices. Al sat up, and felt strangely light-headed.
"Hey," said Buried Alien, "what happened to the Tiara?"
"It must have been consumed by the final convergence of realities," said The Azure Arachknight.
"I... cannot feel Hyppotime..." said Hairbutt, "It is... gone."
"No... not gone. Sealed off forever." said Al. He looked down and was not surprised to see that the Cosmic Control Fork was also gone. Forever, he hoped.
"Now, Sneak," said Conn Seanery, "You have made the Comm board your own for three days. It will not be tolerated again. If you do make such an attempt, the results will not be pleasant. Do you understand?"
"Yes," said Evil Sneak, "now, I must go. There is nothing left for me here." And with that, he left.
"You think you have beaten me, foolish mortal, but I tell you again... wait until August. We'll see who's laughing then," said Falcoria, before sweeping out of the chamber, followed by Hairbutt.
"Now, Buried Alien," said Conn, "We seem to have one more piece of business to attend to."
"Of course," said Buried Alien, "I crown you... Citizen of the Month, Al." And with that he placed a foil-covered chocolate Tiara on Al's head.
Al smiled as he looked around at the other posters. It had been an eventful three days.
