fly floated in the limbo between all places and times.
Where time takes a time-out.
Where space is all spaced-out.
It's neither here nor there, there. In that no place that never was but always will be, where time travelers must go to make there and then their new here and now.
The Tweener Zone.
fly had been in this limbo before, actuallyt his whole life consisted of suspension in one limbo state after another. But this time the whole limbo thing was getting him down.
The futility of time travel was bothering him, because you really can’t go back to the past, can you? You go back and everyone's younger, except you. Everyone else is younger but you aren’t one second farther from your Death.
Oh well. Let's not get morbid. fly thought.
Now how do I get to where and when I want to go? thought fly Superman always made it seem so easy. When Superman went into the Tweener Zone, the different year choices color-coded and labelled in English.
fly looked around and was surrounded by a chaos of strange images and symbols. How could fly make the Tweener Zone work for him?
*******
Back in the laboratory Perry Holley ate roast beef sandwiches out of dog dish in his cage and felt sorry for himself.
"People misspell my last name 'Holly' and it makes me feel inadequate." thought Perry, "also my last name is a girl's name. A fellow doesn't like that. But I don't feel as bad as Jacqueline Susanne's little brother, but you know what I mean."
A parrot flew into the lab. A big green one with some orangey color around it's white face, and it had a black bill. It landed next to the cage Perry was in.
"Hello there big guy." said Perry to the parrot, "You look like a likable Jasper."
"Rawk" said the Parrot, "Carbs!"
"Carbs?" said Perry Holley, "Does that mean this 'Polly’ wants a cracker'"?
“Here Polly,” said Perry Holley offering him some bread through the bars of his cage, “Have some sandwich.”
The Parrot was uninterested.
“Rawk!” said the Parrot, “You’ll be banned.”.
“What?” Perry was confused. Why would a parrot say that?
The big Green Parrot flew around the room, landing on a lab bench.
“Rawk!” said the Parrot. A white splat of guano landed on the bench.
The Parrot ignored Perry. Perry wondered if he could somehow use the Parrot to get out of the cage.
********
The Tweener Zone was filled with swirling blue cubes, like glowing blue ice. They were soft and everywhere.
fly assumed you grab a cube and it takes you to a time period. But which cube?
Superman had had it easy with all the clear markings in his version of the Tweener Zone, but that didn’t make any sense. Why would it be marked in English, a new language?
The cubes were marked with something. Roman Numerals? fly didn’t know Roman Numerals very well.
Still he grabbed a cube that said “I”. The year one. He grabbed and a scene of the distant past opened up, Mexico City during the time of Rome. Still everyone was ghostlike. The more he squeezed the cube, the more solid the image became. If he turned the cube around, he was in different parts of the world at that time.
Pretty cool.
fly used his knowledge of Super Bowl numerations to figure out the rest of the details of Roman Numerals.
Now he knew which cube he needed, but some flux started sucking the cube-years away that he wanted, all that was left were distant time periods, he’d be lost in time.
Then he saw one last cube from the year he had started from and grabbed it, squeezing it hard.
The Cube exploded and blue light bathed him and he was back in his lab, a month after he had left.
Perry Holley was no longer in the cage.
*********
A month prior, Perry Holley was sitting in the cage.
Perry took his shirt off and flapped it through the bars to attract the Green Parrot.
The parrot looked at him and said, “Flat abs. Flat abs. Six pack.”
Perry had neither and gave up.
“You’re giving me a headache, bird.”
“I don’t care about your headache” said the bird, “RAWK! Bend over, Desi!”
Perry realized this Parrot must belong to T’Omm.
That’s when Perry noticed the bird had piece of paper tied to this leg!
“It’s a note from T’Omm to help me!”
The parrot walked towards the cage. Would it give Perry the note?
“Do these pants make my ass look fat?” said T’Omm’s Parrot, “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”
******
fly was in his lab a month later. The computer said it was March 2004. Big deal, he lost a month. He wasn’t risking getting lost in time again to get the month back. He had enough annual leave built up to cover his absence if his bosses didn’t mind him disappearing for a month.
“Hope I don’t lose my job for being AWOL for a month.” said fly.
Two men had just walked in.
“Don’t worry about your job, fly.” said these two men in black with cool shades, “The President wants to see you.” They drew their weapons and pointed them at fly.
“Who are you people? And HOW is this legal?” demanded fly.
“We’re creepy Republican special ops.” said the men in black, “And The Patriot Act says everything we do is legal.” Thanks to the Patriot Act, everything the government does is legal, the very term ‘illegal’ only applies to private citizens now.
“Put the guns away, I’ll to help the President.” said fly, “Why wouldn’t I want to help the President?”
The black ops said nothing, but here’s what they thought, “Because once Bush is finished with you, you’ll be killed.”
fly was handcuffed, blindfolded and frog-marched from the building. “Why are you doing this to me?” They kicked him and said,
“Shut up, fly. The location of your destination is on a need-to-know basis.”
And apparently fly didn’t need to know.
*******
A month previously...
Perry Holley wanted out of that cage and back into action, so he had to get that message off T’Omm’s parrot’s leg.
Perry tried to get the Parrot to come closer. Parrot enticement is thirsty work, so Perry knelt down to drink some water from the water dish fly left on the floor of the cage.
“Should I get a cock ring?” said T’Omm’s Parrot, “Should I get a cock ring?”.
Perry Holley did a spit-take.
******
to be immediately continued...
Chapter 3, Part 2
by fly on the wall (1/25/04)
fly found himself in a room with no windows and a locked door. There was a monitor on the wall but it wasn’t on.
fly was totally bummed.
“Perry Holley was right. It’s all pearls before swine at CBR. Perry’s gives the board his best and is ignored. He gave up Knighsky, his very posting name, as a minor plot-twist in a Message Board story. What a great idea. The board didn’t care. They were too busy with the Iraq crapfests or naked T’Omm pix.”
Perry deserved better than the treatment he’d gotten.
“And what about Entirely Optional Newbie Essay?" said fly, “That was genius. It says ‘WELCOME’ in a stimulating way to new people, at the same time challenges them to show their stuff. And the board ignored this great idea. It should have become as big as COTM and the Corries. God knows it’s a better idea than either of them.”
fly really felt sorry for Perry Holley. Talk about your overlooked greatness.
“T’Omm gets kudos for his ‘raising the bar’ thread. HAH! T’Omm says, ‘I’m bored, write better posts’ and that impresses people? Meanwhile Holley’s Entirely Optional Newbie Essay is ignored."
fly felt so bad for Holley. He almost regretted locking him in a cage with doggie dishes on the floor.
Just then the monitor came on. It was George Bush.
fly shouted at his President, “I demand my civil rights and a lawyer! Bring me Boldido, Loren, Slam Bradley and kidflash! Where are my meds?” shouted fly at the President.
“Civil rights?” said the President waggling a copy of the Patriot Act, “I gotcher civil rights right here!”
“GASP!” said the right-wing fly, “When I initially applauded the Patriot Act I had been lead to believe it would only apply to terrorists, poor people, hard-working illegal aliens and minorities. I never believed it would apply to me.”
“BELIEVE IT, BABE!” said the President.
“Screw you, Monkey face.” said fly, “Boldido, Loren and kidflash will save me.” said fly.
“They’re on my side.” said the President, “See?”
The President stepped aside and there were Boldido, Loren and kidflash.
“Do as the President says, fly.” said Boldido, Loren and kidflash in unison, “For the good of the country.”
*****
Boldido turned away from the camera where fly could not hear. Boldido said to Loren and kidflash, “Only fly can save the Country. And the World!”
Loren said, “And by the Country and the World you mean the US economy.”
Boldido nodded.
“But whatever secret plan Bush forces fly to come up with to save the economy, it must die with him after it’s applied.” said Boldido.
“Yes.” Said kidflash, “Tricks that save the economy have to remain secret to work. And only death can forever close fly’s JabberJaws.”
Tyne Fanel was also with them, “I agree…for the good of the country. But how did we ever sink to this? How did it somehow become necessary to kill fly to save the world?
They all bowed their heads.
“Oh well.” said Loren, “fly’s really old. I’ve met him. Looks awful.”
They all nodded in the affirmative.
*******
“I want my MEDS!” said fly, “I’m starting to go nuts.”
“The nuttier you are the more creative you are.” Said Bush, “My little Oracle.”
“We told Bush how you write better posts when you’re nutty, fly. Sorry.” Said kidflash.
“What do you want out of me, Bush?” fly sneered at the man to whom democracy means nothing.
“The economy is going to tank before the election and I’ll LOSE!” said Bush, “I can’t afford to cut the taxes again. I don’t know what to do!” said Bush.
“So you decided to lock me in a hole without meds until I go nuts and think of something?” said fly.
“That’s my plan!” said Bush.
Boldido, kidflash, Tyne and Loren frowned at the President.
“Alright it was Cheney’s idea.” said Bush.
******
One month previous…
Perry Holley looked at the Gaudy Parrot and tried to imagine a decor which would match such a bird.
“T’Omm and Desi need Queer Eye for the Gay Guy.” said Perry.
“Rawk! Do my liposuction scars show with this thong?” said T’Omm’s Parrot, “Do my Liposuction scars show?”
Perry Holley reached out and grabbed the bird by the leg, scrabbling for the message on the Parrot’s leg, but the message wouldn’t budge from the big budgie. The bird pecked Perry’s hand and screamed, “I’ve gained a pound!!!”
The pain was blinding but Perry couldn’t let go, he wouldn’t get another shot. The Parrot would fly away.
*****
A few days of confinement and no medication and fly had a plan to save the US economy in time to win the election for Bush.
“Listen.” said fly to Bush, “This plan won’t work unless the real reason behind it is kept secret. You’ve done this sort of thing before with the Iraq war, so this should be easy. You’re good at keeping secrets. How did you get so good at keeping secrets?”
“It’s easy to keep the secrets you don’t understand.” said Bush.
“Okay...” said fly, “Tell me the strongest force driving the American economy.”
“TAX CUTS!” said Bush.
“No you idiot, it’s Christmas.” said fly, “Remember the movie Auntie Mame? With Rosalind Russell?”
Often when fly gets sick the answer to every question can be found in the filmography of Rosalind Russell.
“1929, the Stock Market crashes. Everyone’s freaked out and that panic causes the Great Depression. But Auntie Mame figured knew what to do if they had listened. We need a little Christmas, right this very minute.”
“Huh?” said Bush, with great proficiency.
“Most sales are made at Christmas time, we’ll celebrate an Extra Christmas in July this year, sales will double, and the economy will rebound despite the deficits you ran up.” said fly.
“How do we get people to celebrate Christmas in July?” said Bush.
“Simple.” said fly, “We’ve just conquered Iraq, which is Biblesville. All kind of historical relics for the digging. Iraq, cradle of civilization, cradle of Abrahamic religions. Dummy up an artifact proving Jesus was really born on July 4; we all know the Dec. 25 date is just arbitrary anyway. Dummy up some evidence just like you dummied up the evidence of WMDs before the war.”
“This is do-able. But I like snow at Christmas.” said Bush.
“No problem. Once you’re elected have an expert say the artifact was a fraud. Then Christmas goes back to it’s usual day and everything’s fine. Meanwhile the extra Christmas saves the election.” said fly, “But you and I must keep the reasons secret to make it work.”
“I’m good at secrets, but you aren’t.” said Bush, “Loren and Tyne told me what a JabberJaws you are. You must die. Thanks for the great idea, though.”
“I must die?” said fly.
*******
One Month prior...
Perry Holley got the message off T’Omm’s Parrot’s leg and read it.
He knew what he needed to do now.
Meanwhile T’Omm’s Parrot was most distressed at being manhandled by Perry.
“Don’t tell Desi. My Porno profile’s more popular.” said T’Omm’s Parrot, “Don’t tell Desi.”
The Parrot flew off.
“Your secret’s safe with me.” said Perry Holley.
Chapter 4
by fly on the wall (1/25/03)
Perry Holley looked at the note that he had gotten off the leg of the Parrot of T'Omm.
"I'll miss that parrot of T'Omm's!" said Perry Holley, "He was the most reliable joke manufacturing device I've ever been associated with in a Message Board story. Why with T'Omm's Parrot around supplying the laughs, everyone else in the story can work on their tans."
There was something metal and plastic inside the rolled up piece of paper. It was pinging like a Mother Box.
As he touched it, Perry knew to apply it to his forehead.
It gave him information about what happened or would be happening to fly. About fly's abortive trip into the Tweener Zone and how he bailed out in panic into a month from now.
But before he bailed out he squeezed a cube from the Year Zero, and must have created an alternative timeline as we can see below:
(EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point in the story fly quoted the entirety of Free Lance's Chapter 2, which you can read here.)
"Hmmmm." said Perry Holley, "This is a crude kick ass alternate world where everyone is combative English street punk that votes for the Democrats, and never gets arthritis."
"Even the fly of this world is a mad killer."
But was it an alternative reality, or had reality changed while he was trapped in his cage?
What strange reality would face Perry when he got out?
He read the message to see if there was any other information that could be useful to him.
Chapter 5
by Free Lance 2.0 (1/25/04)
Meanwhile, in the Geogre Bush's Secret Bunker:
kidflash stood in a shadowy corridor, speaking into the breast pocket of his handsome suit.
"Everything is going according to plan, Sir," he whispered in the darkness.
"Good," the man on the other end of line quipped concisely.
"They don't suspect a thing," kidflash added, dramatically.
"Cool," was the only reply.
"You can move it at any time. I've disabled the American's defenses from within," kidflash continued.
"Sounds like a plan," the secret figure said leisurely.
"Aren't you going to say anything else, sir? Maybe commend me for my excellent espionage work? Or bring up my reward again. I always like hearing about my reward," kidflash pressed.
"I would, but y'know, I'm kinda usin' my lungs for something else right now, if you get what I mean," the man on the other end of the communication device said before taking another toke.
"General howyadoin, you're going to stage a coup against the United States while stoned! Isn't that a little reckless," kidflash stammered, forgetting where he was and raising his voice considerably.
"Eh, I've done more important things when I was less stoned, man. Don't worry about it. The Candian Poster Brigade should be there in our giant Wayne Gretzky Robots in 20 minutes, tops," howyadoin said in that easy going way of his that put kidflash at ease.
kidflash felt confident in his leader again.
"Pass the bong," Cei-U, honorary Candian revolutionary said, as kidflash terminated the conversation, thoughts of all the Dick Dillin original art howy had promised him in exchange for taking on this dangerous mission filling his head. He was so preoccupied by dreams of old Blackhawks pages that he didn't notice that fly was coming right at him with what was left of Boldido's leg, a mad look on his face and blood on his hands.
Meanwhile, the murderous 50 ft. fly had been cornered by the Cliquethority in a timeline where he couldn't make them cease to exist, and they were bloodthirsty. Especially SwitsisticPenguin, the one analogue for the Authority that didn't make it in to the last story.
"I'm going to commit twice as much ultra violence because I wasn't in the last story," she screamed before flying towards the giant insect in a rage. As the other members of the Cliquethority engaged him, he did a funny thing; he cowered.
"What am I doing here? One minute I was in Bush's bunker, about to be murdered by George Bush, and the next I'm being attacked by a bunch of CBR posters dressed up like that damn liberal superhero team all the kids love," he thought frantically.
He kept trying to write it all of as some med-less fueled bi-polar delusion. Would have believed it too, if it hadn't been for that nasty stench on his foot.
"Eww, smells like nasty Brittish comic writer," fly said. By the time he realized which one was which, he was already besieged by the superfacists.
Meanwhile, somewhere else entirely:
"Looks like everything's ticking along nicely," Paul McEnery said, a huge cigar in his mouth in celebration of a plan well excecuted. "We've got the old bugs switched around, we've got the Canadians walking into a blood bath, and we've got Perry Holley following our planted information. All in all, I'd says the bar's about to be raised substantially. Wouldn't you?"
"It's a start," an significantlt eviler looking T'Omm said, his six pack glistening in the soft light of the omniversal computer that watched everything as it unfolded.
