Work and Office                                                            Index

How to Remain Insane at the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if you boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names: "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Highlight your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk and label it: IN.
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso 

Actual Employee Evaluations
The following was taken from actual employee evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this man to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This man has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
14. A room temperature I.Q.
15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
22. Fell out of his family tree.
23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't coming.
24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. He's so dense, light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

What's Your Business Sign?
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?
1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace.  Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;  combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the  invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Blank Copy
Several weeks ago, we hired a new blonde secretary who wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. One day when she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use the copier machine paper," the other responded. With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier, and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Bricklayers Accident Report
Gentlemen:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block #11 of the reporting form that my weight is 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up then side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel which was now proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 111 of the accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in paragraph #2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground- and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.
I again refer to my weight in block #11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, the severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Sincerely,
Policy #XYZ 23456

Cubicle Wisdom
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 
2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. 
4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. Never quit until you have another job.
9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Laws Of Work
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Mandatory Vacation
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I
can do without."

Office Humor
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."

Union Worker
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and
cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

Government Worker
An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He says to the bartender, "Me want beer."
The bartender says, "Sure chief, coming right up.".
He gets the Indian a tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws it into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out.
Four days later the Indian returns. He has a shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.
He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "Me want beer." The bartender says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here.
What was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian says, "Me in training for job as government employee: drink beer, shoot shit, then no show up for four days.

The Businessman's Deathbed
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Reasons to Go to Work Nude
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.

Baby Bottle Nipples
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Index