The next hole, the priest hits the ball way to the left. "Damn! I missed!" he yells. "Father, you really should watch your language, God doesn't appreciate that," the nun says. "I'm sorry, sister, it won't happen again," the priest says.
On the next hole, the priest hits the ball into a sandtrap. "Damn! I missed!" he yells. All of a sudden the sky darkens, thunder sounds, and a lightning bolt flashes down and fries the nun. A big voice booms, "Damn! I missed!"
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See No Evil
The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. "And
don't get a drop of paint on your habits," she sternly admonishes.
The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take them off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" asks one of the nuns.
"Blind man," comes the reply.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. "No harm letting him in," one says, and opens the door.
"Whoa, sister! Where do you want these blinds?"
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Wild Nuns
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55
MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."
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Nun Decorators
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without
getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey,
let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
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Pregnant Nun
Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
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The Nun's Secret
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has
a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the
sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
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Blonde Nun
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
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Hospital Stay
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation
went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by
a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just
fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however,
how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives,
then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's
a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun
replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said
with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
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Hot Dog !!
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd,"
her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well
do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points
to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please,"
says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil
and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin
to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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Painting Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
new habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
Tell her she's pregnant!!!
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What is the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
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What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming catholic.
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What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.
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What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving
door?
A nun with a spear through her head!
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Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street.
The first one says "I've never come this way before."
The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
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Three nuns
who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they
were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and
bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question
before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
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A man is driving
down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner
of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks
it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the
bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
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:: nuns on the run ::
Faith Moves Mountains
Two Irish nuns are driving alone out in the boonies. They run out of petrol.
Fortunately they can walk to a gas station not far away, where they ask to purchase
a can of petrol. "I'm sorry, sister," says the attendant, "but
all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot."
The nuns agree that this will be fine. They return to the car. As they are pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drives by, stops his car, and says, "Oh, sister, if only I had your faith."
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Nuns in Transylvania
The same two Irish nuns are travelling through Transylvania on holiday. As they
are driving through the winding mountain roads, Count Dracula appears and lands
on the car's bonnet, and clings onto the front of the car. The nuns get the
fright of their lives, and the first nun slams on the brakes to try and get
rid of the vampire.
Dracula doesn't budge however, and hisses at the two nuns through the windscreen. The second nun turns to the first nun and says, "Sister Bernadette, turn on the windscreen wipers! That will get him off the car." So the first nun turns on the windscreen wipers, but Dracula holds on.
The second nun turns to the first again and says, "Sister Bernadette, I filled the water reservoir with Holy Water. Spray him with it! That will surely get rid of him." So the first nun pulls back on the windreeen water nozzle lever, and sprays the gruesome vampire with Holy Water, but he still does not move.
As a last resort, the second nun says, "Sister Bernadette! Show him your cross!" So the first nun leans out the side window and says, "Get the fuck off my car!"
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Nuns in America (Part I)
Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette are now on their way to visit America, after
the Mother Superior from the New York branch has invited them across. And of
course, both nuns are extremely awestruck about the whole issue. They have even
heard stories about how Americans eat dogs, and they are curious.
So the nuns arrive in New York and are walking along 5th Avenue when they see a hot dog vendor selling his goods. Sister Mary turns to Sister Bernadette and says, "Look, Sister Bernadette. Let us investigate this eating of dogs that we have heard about."
They approach the vendor and Sister Bernadette asks for two "dogs". They watch as the man pulls out two packets, opens them slightly, and applies the mustard and tomato sauce. They walk over to a bench and sit down. Sister Mary is the more inquisitive of the two and opens her packet first.
Quickly, she shuts it again, and whispers to the other nun, "Sister Bernadette, which part did you get?"
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Nuns in America (Part II)
So Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette are walking into town when they get dragged
into an alley by two rather large guys and raped. As the proceedings are getting
under way Sister Bernadette cries out, "Father forgive this man, for he
knows not what he does."
Sister Mary groans, "Tough luck, mine does!"
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Nuns in America (Part III)
The same two nuns get into town a bit shaken and Sister Mary says to Sister
Bernadette, "How are we going to tell Mother Superior that we were raped
twice?"
Sister Bernadette says, "Twice? What do you mean twice? We were only raped once!"
Sister Mary replies, "Well we are going back that way aren't we?"
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Nuns in America (Part IV)
Anyway they get back to the convent (or nunnery if you will) and explain their
situation to Mother Superior. She tells them to do 10 Hail Marys, say 20 Our
Fathers and suck two lemons.
Sister Mary says, "Will sucking lemons help absolve us from our sins?" to which the Mother Superior replies "No, but it'll get those silly grins off your faces."
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Nuns in America (Part V)
Nine months go by and Sister Bernadette gives birth. It's really easy to hide
a pregnancy under those habit things. Not knowing what to do, she decides to
go and find Mother Superior and tell her the problem. She eventually finds Mother
Superior asleep in the chapel. Seeing an oportunity too good to miss, she places
the baby on the ground at the Mother Superior's feet and gaps it.
Mother Superior wakes up a while later to the sound of crying baby. The first words to escape her are "DAMN! Can't even trust the altar candles anymore!"
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
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What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A pecking order.
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A motorist ran into a shop. "Do you own a black and white cat?" he
asked. "No," replied the manager. "Oh dear," said the motorist,
"I must have run over a nun."
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MARRIED A NUN
Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.
"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Ernie junior. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
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Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?" 2nd nun : "An apple" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that''s a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
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A guy is riding
the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.
"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."
She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."
The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus."
With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
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The nun replies "That's okay, my name's Julian and this is just my Halloween costume!"
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