Lisa Simpson can't wait for college. She's only 8 and already reads at a 14th grade level, and has written a number of application-quality essays, one of which won her family a free trip to Washington, D.C. Her favorite activities include playing her saxophone, attending school and reading Non-Threatening Boys Magazine. A fan of Malibu Stacy, Lisa tried unsuccessfully to create her own talking doll, Lisa Lionheart. Unfortunately, no one wanted to buy a talking doll that was as judgmental as Lisa. Lisa wants everyone to know that she is a vegetarian and that if she could have one thing (besides world peace), it would be a pony.

Maggie Simpson has done a lot in her one year of life. She's learned to spell her own name with an Etch A Sketch, she's wandered the town of Springfield all by herself, and she's shot Springfield's richest man because he attempted to steal her lollipop. Eventually, she'd like to learn how to speak and walk without falling down.

On the surface, Groundskeeper Willie is a surly, gruff, hot-tempered sort of a fella, and what you see is what you get. As far as this shaggy-haired, thickly-accented Scotsman is concerned, manners are for bath-taking, underpants-wearing, lily-huggers. Willie would rather wrestle a wild Alaskan timber wolf than set down to a high tea. At the faintest sign of trouble, Willie rips off his shirt and hurls his rippling muscular body into the fray. Crediting his remarkable build in part to his diet, Willie vigorously promotes the eating of haggis. While Willie regards Principal Skinner as nothing more than a "silk-wearin' croquet-playin' buttercup," he takes pride in performing the tasks Skinner sets for him. In addition to his regular groundskeeping at Springfield Elementary, these include chasing stray dogs through the air vents, watering down the orange drink for extra profits at school functions, and substitute-teaching French class in his own sensitive way: "Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender-monkeys." Willie's personal life is as rocky and desolate as his native land. While it is true that his was once engaged to magical British nanny, Shary Bobbins, she dumped him immediately when her eyesight returned. Since then, he has spent the bulk of his private time secretly videotaping couples in their cars.