The ocean's bounty. Nature's splendiferous flowing beauty.
The other water meat. Yes we all know and love them.

The circle of life has announced a new king......who was subsequently gutted and eaten

When I first started out trying to do an article on fish, I was thinking "Hey I'll do an article worshipping fish and announcing how cool they are." Then I realized, fish totally suck. So the following is now a complete rant on how crappy all fish are.

"I got stuck in a fan and then some El Salvadorian punched me in the face."

Fish blow. Man, I tried to compose a list of all the cool stuff they can do. But then I realized, they can't do crap except sit there and float in their own feces. That's just sick. And then they just poop out their young too. That's not only disgusting, but inhumane. I mean, dogs eat their own poop, pigs roll around in their own poop, but neither craps, stays in it, gives birth in it, and then inhales it to breathe. But I guess that's why they're fish, the crappiest animal in the world.

I remember myself when I first got a fighting fish. I was all excited and watched him intently for up to 10, maybe 15 seconds at a time. I was totally blown away. I was always thinking, "What could be better than a fighting fish?" Then it came to me: 2 fighting fish. I was so excited when I got another fish that I got a snail too, which when you think about it, is incredibly retarded; Who wants a snail? In any case, I had the fish and when I got back home I put them together and watched them for an entire 20 seconds before getting disinterested and playing nintendo. However, over the next couple of weeks, I started noticing a trend. Their tails were getting increasingly raggedy. As you can see they look pretty ripped up normally so I thought nothing of it. This continued for a couple of weeks until one of them just floated up to the top dead. Apparently the first fish had succeeded the impostor. However, after finishing his life's purpose of fighting and beating the living crap out of another fish he died like a week later. They were flushed immediately and now all I had was a stupid snail. I was dissapointed so of course, I decided to flush the snail too. He cleaned up the tank so well, yet I have to say, he won't be missed.

Clockwise from top left: Red Lobster's latest dish, A chamelefish, a turd, and Angelina Jolie.

As history has shown, most fish have lasted throughout time for years with an undying desire to live and well, I guess swim. And history has also shown that no matter how hard they try they will always be delicious and eaten by me. I have no regrets in my fish-eating frenzy at Captain D's because fish will always be around for me to snack on. I'm pretty sure if an apocalyptic war breaks out fish will live on and thrive, perhaps even becoming mutated, growing legs, and setting up their own communities around the world and create prisons shaped like giant domes to demoralize their human oppressors. Or perhaps they will just flop on the land until they dry out and die. Either way, I promise to always remember fish and always cherish them, especially with fries and hush puppies.

Above: 7.95 at Red Lobster.