Naughty Language: Lots
Nudity: Almost
Sexual Situations: None
Blood & Guts: Lots
Joey Styles welcomes us to Cyberslam ‘99, ECW’s annual internet fan convention and live wrestling show, as the first match gets ready to go.
Yoshihiro Tajiri vs. “The New F’N Show: Jerry Lynn
This show is the first ECW show after the Living Dangerously ‘99 pay-per-view. On that PPV, Tajiri just barely lost to Super Crazy in the opening match, and Jerry Lynn lost a hard-fought TV title match with Rob Van Dam, in which the fans dubbed Lynn “The New F’N Show,” since RVD is “The Whole F’N Show.” Needless to say, both guys want a victory here. This was before Tajiri became overly popular. He looks like your typical Japanese wrestler, with short blue tights and boots and a clean shaven face. Lynn has his black, yellow, silver and purple tights. I wish he still wore those.
Both these guys are fast-paced atheletes, and this is a fast-paced match. Both guys go for submissions very early as they feel each other out. Then they move on to the speedy stuff. Lynn does a plancha from the top rope to the floor on Tajiri early, and Tajiri locks in the Tarantula when they get back in. As a matter of fact, Tajiri does about all of his trademarks. He suplexes Lynn over the guardrail into the crowd and hits an Asai moonsault. He uses his stiff kicks on Lynn, and Lynn asks for more, showing his new aggressive side. Match is back and forth, despite being possibly the shortest match of the show. Lynn gets the win with the Cradle Piledriver. They shake hands after the match.
Winner: Jerry Lynn
Lance Storm comes to the ring with Dawn Marie. At Living Dangerously, Storm and Justin Credible lost a tag team match to Tommy Dreamer and Shane Douglas, but got their revenge afterwards when they brutalized them. Fans chant “Jericho” because Storm has a WCW Jericho shirt on. Storm says that all the fans are Jerichoholics, because Chris Jericho is from Calgary...Alberta, Canada (so? This is Philadelphia....and Jericho’s from Winnipeg). Storm says that Tommy Dreamer has been claiming that Storm is on steroids, and that he gets his integrity from a vial. Storm says he gets his integrity from busting his [butt] in the Hart’s Dungeon in Calgary. He calls the fans “wannabe athletes couch potatoes,” and ridicules the other wrestlers in the back because they wrestle in T-shirts. He says he’s the best professional athlete this side of a negative drug test, then takes out a bottle of his urine. He dares Dreamer to come out and give a sample of his own urine to prove that he isn’t the one using the steroids. Dreamer comes out, and Styles says, “We have gone from ‘Extreme Championship Wrestling’ to ‘Absurd Championship Wrestling.’” Dreamer gets in the ring, and Storm immediately attacks him. Dreamer lays Storm out with a DDT and takes the urine sample from Dawn Marie, then dumps it in Storm’s face and leaves. Dawn tries to revive Storm without touching his face. He wakes up, gets angry, and rushes to the back. Styles says he’s “pissed off.”
Rod Price vs. Nova
A lot of match listings for this show display this match as “Nova and Chris Chetti vs. Rod Price and Skull Von Crush.” You’ll find out why later. Price is a big, strong, rugged wrestler who never got a real break in ECW. At the time of this show, Nova was still breaking free from his old “Super Nova” gimmick, and he looked a lot less goofy. He wore new tights with real super hero logos on them and dropped a lot of weight to increase his speed and ability. Nevertheless, he was still kind of a cartoon character. He dances a lot coming to the ring.
Nova uses his speed for an early advantage, but Price’s power soon puts a stop to it. He slams Nova and beats on him until Nova fights back with a second rope reverse bulldog, showing that he is the inNOVAtor. Skull Von Crush (Big Vito in WCW) grabs Nova’s leg as he runs off the ropes and yanks him outside the ring. Crush is the leader of the New Movement, a new stable in ECW (it never really got off the ground, though, which is why we don’t hear about it). He hits Nova with some hard right hands and whips him into the guard rail. Nova’s regular tag team partner, Chris Chetti (before he became the cocky Ricky Martin lookalike), attacks Crush. Price beats on Nova, then goes after Chetti, as Nova gets in the ring and recuperates. Chetti and Nova hit suicide dives on Price and Crush. Nova gets Price back in the ring, and he and Chetti get on the same turnbuckle and hit the Tidal Wave (splash and a leg drop). Nova covers for the pin.
Winner: Nova
After the match, Price argues with Crush, blaming him for the loss. Crush gets really mad and animated. He blows Price off and tries to leave, but Price attacks him. Crush counter and hits a swinging implant DDT, then does a little karate pose, then leaves. Seems he had some promise in his early days. Too bad he didn’t get any real big breaks.
El Mosca de la Merced vs. Super Crazy
Lucha Libre! Crazy and Mosca had previously wrestled together and against each other in Mexico, though their feud isn’t as well documented as Crazy vs. Tajiri. Crazy’s in his red and blue this time. Mosca has a mask, and wears black with blue, pink and yellow. Styles says that Mosca needs to prove himself to the Philly fans, “the most discriminating wrestling fans on the planet.”
They feel each other out in the beginning with arm wringers and reversals. Mosca looks like he’s going to do a running dive to the outside, but instead handsprings off the ropes and does a backflip. Crazy gets back in, and they go back and forth fast. Mosca misses a dropkick in the corner, and obviously planned spot, but the fans still chant “You f***ed up!.” Stupid fans and their stupid chants. Crazy hits a couple springboard moonsaults in the ring, and Mosca turns during one, getting a knee to the head. That was smart. Mosca does a senton onto Crazy, who lies on the concrete. That’s one of his trademarks. Both guys do high flying stuff in and out of the ring, and Crazy does a lot of moonsaults. For some reason, in the middle of the match, Joey Styles stops talking for a long period of time, then comes back on without mentioning why. Must’ve been mic trouble. Anyway, I don’t feel I can do this match justice and still keep the review short. I’ll just say that there were a lot of great high flying moves in and out of the ring, and Crazy wins with a bad frog splash.
Winner: Super Crazy
Papi Chulo vs. TAKA Michinoku
Remember Papi Chulo from the WWF? He was the guy that TAKA Michinoku always defended his light heavyweight title against on the secondary shows. He also wrestled at WrestleMania 14 as Aguila, under a mask, still losing to TAKA. More recently, he was Essa Rios in the WWF before they fired him. Now, I don’t know what name he uses. But he was Papi Chulo, “Pimp Daddy,” at this show. And TAKA was TAKA. This match was his first time in ECW since the first PPV, Barely Legal. At this time, he was kind of jumping back and forth between ECW and WWF, also appearing on WWF Los Super Astros regularly. Why is his name always in all caps? Oh, by the way, he gets a “Welcome Back” chant, the first of three during this show.
Guess what? Yet another high flying match! Wow, look at them go. TAKA springboards to the outside onto Chulo already. Oh, hey, Chulo really can do that springboard arm drag he does in the SmackDown games. And look at that springboard hurricanrana off the top. What a bunch of morons they were in the WWF to get rid of this guy. TAKA’s cocky in this match, but he never loses to this guy, so who can blame him? Chulo does a somersault plancha over the ring post to the floor onto TAKA. A little later, TAKA turns an inverted DDT into a Michinoku Driver #2 (#1 is a brainbuster) for the win.
Winner: TAKA Michinoku
Joey Styles is in the ring. He’s ready to interview ECW Television champion Rob Van Dam. Van Dam comes out with manager Bill Alfonso and takes his sweet time celebrating. This is RVD’s one year anniversary since winning the TV championship. Am I the only one annoyed by the fact that he never lost? RVD uses the term “Whole F’N Show,” but replaces “F’N” with the real word. Fonzie says that he has a surprise for RVD on this occasion. Out comes former ECW TV and tag team champion Too Cold Scorpio. He’s getting jiggy with it, and the fans are happy to see him. He gets the second “Welcome Back” chant. He also spits beer at the referee from across the ring for some reason.
ECW Television Title
Too Cold Scorpio vs. “The Whole F’N Show” Rob Van Dam w/ Bill Alfonso
Scorpio is also a former WCW and WWF wrestler, and currently competes in NOAH in Japan. You know who Rob Van Dam is.
Styles’ mic stops working again for the beginning of this match. Fans chant “You lost weight” at Scorpio. Scorpio’s a little slow between doing moves in this one, but his moves are very impact-full, especially this one superkick, which almost looks like he’s about to mess up. Scorpio is a dream opponent for Van Dam, as they’re both high flying heavyweights. Van Dam does a move he hasn’t hardly used since he came to the WWE: plancha from the tp rope into the crowd. Van Dam and Scorpio have a typical Van Dam match, where they fight in and outside the ring, both hitting high impact moves on each other, but not getting any pinfalls. Scorpio puts Van Dam on a table that’s bridged between the ring and the guardrail, but Van Dam gets out of the way before Scorpio jumps onto him. Scorpio catches himself, though. Fans boo when Scorpio hits Van Dam with a couple not-so-stiff chair shots, but they liked his leg drop onto the chair in Van Dam’s face. Sabu, former enemy of Scorpio, runs out and puts Scorpio through the table with a leg drop, hurting himself in the process. Scorpio still kicks out of Van Dam’s pinfall attempt and starts fighting back. Alfonso trips Scorpio on the top turnbuckle, crotching him on the rope, then holds a chair up for Van Dam to kick into Scorpio’s face. Van Dam hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the win. They shake after the match, even though RVD’s obviously still full of himself.
Winner and stil TV champion: Rob Van Dam
Steve Corino, still in his pre-”King of Old School” days, comes to the ring and takes the mic from the announcer. Corino gives his thoughts on extreme wrestling: when he was taught wrestling, he wasn’t taught tables, chairs, and blood. He won’t bleed in front of the fans. They’ve forgotten that the “W” in “ECW” stands for “wrestling.” He says he’s going to bring back wrestling to Philly and ECW. He goes on to say that he can do everything the luchadores can do, but 5 times better. He calls himself the future ECW Heavyweight Champion. He doesn’t care what size they are, or if they have big muscles or are just short and wide...
Cue ECW World Heavyweight Champion Taz, who comes to the ring with a towel over his head. Corino calls Taz “Mr. Taz,” and tries to act all polite. He’s all scared now, saying that he didn’t mean for Taz to come out, as the fans chant “You F***ed up.” He says he would love to wrestle, and is sure he could choke Taz out...fans chant “Taz is gonna kill you,” and Taz says that Corino has one minute to make his point before he f***s him up. Corino says he broke his appendix lifting weights, so he’s too injured to wrestle. He begs the fans to shut up, as they are now chanting “bulls***.” Corino says he has a substitute, and he knows he could beat Taz, even though he’s always had tag team partners screw things up for him...
”Back in Black” plays, and Chris Candido comes out with Tammy Lynn Sytch, who isn’t dressed modestly. Hee hee, Corino’s dancing. Guess what? Another “Welcome Back” chant, followed by a “Show your t**s” chant. Candido says he didn’t tap out to wearing a diaper and drinking from a stupid baby bottle, nor to doing jumping jacks like an a-hole, nor to alcohol, nor to ???, nor to newbane(?), nor to steroids, and there’s no way he’ll tap out to Taz. Candido challenges Taz to an FTW death match.
Undisputed ECW World Heavyweight Title
FTW Death Match
Chris Candido w/ Tammy Lynn Sytch vs. Taz (champ)
An FTW death match is simply a falls count anywhere match. The ECW title was considered “undisputed” by ECW because it was the unification of the ECW World Heavyweight title and Taz’s personal FTW (F*** The World) title that he made for himself. Long story.
Match starts with Taz no-selling blows and chops from Candido. They go outside quickly, and Candido actually does a plancha from the top turnbuckle onto Taz. They brawl through the crowd over to the Eagle’s Nest area under the announcer’s perch. Taz gives Candido a T-Bone Tazplex onto the hard floor. Candido does an elbow drop off the Nest onto Taz. They brawl back to the ring and fight in there. A couple Tazplexes, a couple powerbombs, no submissions or wear-downs. Taz blocks the Blonde Bombshell (top rope powerbomb) and hits a head and arm Tazplex from the top. Taz kicks out after Candido hits him with a chain around his fist (Styles acts like it’s illegal, even though this is no DQ). Candido brings a table into the ring and sets it up in the corner. Taz reverses an Irish whip into the Tazmission choke hold, then turns it into a Tazmissionplex through the table. The match stops as everyone comes in to check on Candido. Styles tells us that Candido has had some neck problems, and this could be very serious. EMTs come down and load Candido onto a stretcher as Styles speaks sympathetically, as if Candido’s career could be over. Fans start booing and chant “F*** you, Taz,” until Taz runs out of the ring and dumps Candido out of the stretcher, then takes him back in and locks him in the Tazmission through his neckbrace. Now they all know it was a work (fake). Taz says, “Beat me if you can, survive if I let you!” As he leaves, Styles starts blaming Steve Corino for all of this.
Winner: No contest
Justin Credible w/ Jason and the unnamed woman (Jazz) vs. “The Franchise” Shane Douglas w/ “The Queen of Extreme” Francine
How did Jason get that neck brace? Wow, look at Jazz...she doesn’t look hardly at all like she does in the WWE. Douglas runs straight to the ring and scares everyone out. Neither Francine nor Jazz is dressed too modestly, even though Jazz looks more like she’s dressed to work out, while Francine just looks like a prostitute. At least she’s wearing pants. Douglas gets the mic and starts swearing at Justin Credible. The majority of the swearing in the video is all right here. He starts talking about how all the wrestlers who’ve come through the door of the ECW Arena have become a notch in his belt, and there’s no way he’ll become a notch in Credible’s belt. Douglas draws an invisible line with his foot and tells Justin to cross it if he’s man enough, which he does, and Douglas slaps him. Justin says he’s not backing down from him. Douglas says Justin’s looking for a war, and they start punching each other.
This whole feud started when Douglas said he was going to retire, and he wanted to christen a new “Franchise” for ECW. Both Justin Credible and Lance Storm said that they deserved the title, but Douglas chose Tommy Dreamer, leading to Credible and Storm beating Douglas, Dreamer, and Francine down in the ring. Then they had that tag match at Living Dangerously, where Douglas and Dreamer won, but got beaten down after the match.
Douglas and Credible go at each other, and Douglas gets the early advantage, doing his best to destroy Credible. There’s a lot of chops. They go to the outside, and Douglas sends Credible into the guardrail multiple times, putting a table in the ring during it all. Douglas puts Credible on the table in the ring and climbs to the top, but Jazz holds his leg, allowing Justin to press slam him through the table. Justin has the advantage from here. Fans chant “F*** him up, Shane” and “Justin A**hole” throughout the match. They chant “Holy S***” after Justin rams Douglas’ head into a metal pillar that’s holding the building up. Douglas’ face actually turns purple! Douglas manages to get a few little shots in, but doesn’t regain the advantage until he press slams Justin through a table in the corner. He puts Justin in the Figure Four leg lock, but Jazz rakes his eyes, and Francine starts a cat fight with her (I hate cat fights...they’re nothing but two women rolling around). Douglas and Justin both get Singapore canes, and Justin gets a some hard shots in, but Douglas ducks the home run swing. Douglas only uses his cane once before Jason comes in and low blows him. Francine spears Jason and is ready to cane him, but Douglas steps in and full nelson slams him onto his neck. Justin and Douglas go back and forth until Douglas reverses a double ax handle into an atomic drop, then hits the Pittsburgh Plunge (Fisherman’s Suplex with a tight roll up) for the win.
Winner: Shane Douglas
Lance Storm runs in and starts beating up Douglas. He holds Douglas down on the ropes while Justin canes his back. Douglas breaks free and asks for one more, and Justin canes him right on the head. Tommy Dreamer runs in and hits Storm with a trash can, but gets caned by Credible. Credible and Storm beat up Dreamer, and Cyrus comes out for no reason. The bad guys all leave together.
War Games Cage Match with Weapons
The Dudley Boyz (Buh Buh Ray and D-Von) and Mustafa w/Sign Guy Dudley and Joel Gertner vs. Balls Mahoney, Axl Rotten, and New Jack
This is another chapter in the Dudleys/Balls, Axl, and New Jack feud. New Jack and Mustafa used to be the Gangstas, former ECW tag champs, and they fought the Dudleys a lot. Mustafa left New Jack for a while, but came back one day to help New Jack beat up the Dudleys, only to turn on him and reveal himself to be the Dudleys’ mysterious benefactor that had been supplying them money. New Jack beat Mustafa in a weapons match (which is what all of New Jack’s matches are) at Living Dangerously, but was attacked by the Dudleys afterwards.
Joel Gertner, possibly the biggest pervert in wrestling, gets the mic and makes fun of ring announcer Bob Artese, who is guarded by security guards so the Dudleys can’t get to him. Artese was given the Dudley Death Drop (3-D) at Living Dangerously when he tried to protect Nova from the Dudleys. Gertner tells Artese to stop pretending he’s injured, claiming he got the injury when he stumbled into the ring and ran into D-Von (which never happened). Gertner should talk, he’s been wearing his neckbrace for two years. Buh Buh Ray Dudley gets the mic and says he has good news and bad news. The good news is that the people the fans paid to see, the Dudleys and Mustafa, are here. The bad news is that New Jack decided about a half an hour ago that it wasn’t worth it to get into the cage tonight. Buh Buh Ray’s happy that the fans can’t see a person they paid to see. The fans hate the Dudleys, did I forget to mention that? Buh Buh Ray had a slow, Southern accent back in ECW. Gertner makes more fun of Artese one more time, then introduces himself with a lewd nickname, then is about to introduce the rest of his crew, but Buh Buh Ray gets angry, or something, and Gertner just says, “Ladiesandgentlementhedudleyboyz” really fast. Balls and Axl come out to “Big Balls” without New Jack, leading us to believe that he isn’t in attendance.
War Games is where there are two teams of wrestlers and a cage. One person from each team starts in the cage. After a few minutes, a wrestler from the team that wins a coin toss enters and gives his team the advantage. A few minutes later, a wrestler from the other team enters, and so on, until all wrestlers are in the cage. Then pinfalls and submissions are allowed. Actually, in the old WCW days, I think only submissions were allowed, because the referee(s) stayed outside the cage. Also, in WCW, there were two rings and one big cage, while there’s only one ring and one cage here. But there’s weapons.
Balls and D-Von start with a fist fight. They delay any use of weapons or the cage for a little, until Balls throws D-Von into the cage. The first weapon used is a steel tray by Balls. Balls hits a big frog splash, but the ref won’t allow the pinfall yet. Buh Buh Ray comes in after a countdown, but Balls stays in control for a few moments, hitting both Dudleys with his famous jabs, followed by a wind up punch, but Buh Buh Ray catches him with a Uranagi (Rock Bottom). D-Von’s already bleeding, and Buh Buh accidentally hits him with a trash can lid. Axl comes in without the countdown, but he has a length of barbed wire and uses it on D-Von. Buh Buh uses a pipe on Balls. Axl uses a pair of scissors on D-Von’s head, that is sick! That is sick and wrong! D-Von uses them on Axl after Buh Buh saves him. Mustafa comes in with the countdown and hammers on Axl. The wrestlers beat each other with weapons. Buh Buh does a cannonball senton onto Balls. The punches coming from the Dudleys and Mustafa are loud. A countdown happens, but no one comes out. Fans chant for Sid (Vicious, who was in ECW at the time), but New Jack’s music starts playing, and he comes out. It was all a mind game. New Jack comes in with his trash can of weapons. Balls and Axl are down, Buh Buh holds back D-Von and Mustafa until New Jack is ready, then they charge him one at a time and get hit with weapons. That was corny. They’re all busted open now, besides New Jack, and beating each other up. Axl Rotten opens a bag of thumbtacks, only to be suplexed onto them by D-Von. How is D-Von still conscious? New Jack’s music is still playing. They’re using a lot of weapons to bludgeon each other now. Mustafa hits New Jack with a guitar just before Balls blows fire in his face! Balls is celebrating, but gets the Dudley Death Drop out of nowhere, and the Dudleys pin him for the win. New Jack’s music suddenly stops, and the Dudleys high tail it out of the cage.
Winners: The Dudleys and Mustafa
Mustafa is still in the cage, and Balls locks the door. The Dudleys try to break it down with a chair, but no luck. Balls and Axl put Mustafa on a table, and New Jack ascends the cage in the furthest corner, then dives off onto Mustafa. Balls, Axl, and New Jack celebrate. Styles closes the show, saying that the fans got more than their money’s worth.
Final Verdict: This is a tough one, because I am a big ECW fan. They originated a lot of matches and angles, and did a lot for the wrestling business in general. If not for ECW, the WWF wouldn’t have started the whole “Attitude Era,” which skyrocketed their popularity. Without ECW, there would be very little light heavyweight action in America, as ECW was the first American wrestling promotion to showcase Dean Malenko, Eddy Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Juventud Guerrera, Rey Misterio Jr., etc., on a large scale. ECW still has a huge cult following, despite its demise, and pretty much every independent promotion wants to be like it in some way.
Wrestling-wise, ECW was fantastic. I’m still a big mark for Guido Maritato, (who wrestles in WWE as Nunzio). Morality-wise, however, they fall short. Foul language, half-naked women, gratuitous violence, and even a few offensive gimmicks have had big exposure in this defunct fed. If you are squeamish or easily offended, ECW is not for you. But, as it is with CZW and many other feds, if you can look past all that crap, you’ll find some great wrestling.