for some reason writing my thoughts seems useless if no one will ever read them. so I'm going to start writing them here and MAYBE someone will see them.... The Girl I Like 5/30/03 All I can think about anymore is Katie Scholl. She’s such a sweetie and she likes me. The Connection Between Looks and Personality 6/2/03 A lot of times I really believe that I think about things too much. Amber tells me that I sabotage myself all the time and that is why I never have a girlfriend. She used to say it was because I was picky, but I think she is right when she says I think about it too much. I think this girl won’t work because she’s too young, or she’s not a Christian. Sometimes I am turned off by the smallest thing and I can’t even believe I am that shallow. But I really don’t think I’m shallow, so how in the world can I feel this way? Well let me explain, I think little subtleties like the shape of someone’s nose or the way their eyebrows move are actually in someway connected to their personality. I have been proven wrong about this, but usually I am right. Like this girl that goes to Rhonda and Jennie’s Sunday school-she has these eyes with sort of low eyelids that automatically give me an impression of her personality. Then when she talks and laughs it only backs up my prejudice. This connection goes for their body too. There is this girl at work named Meredith that is good looking but I wouldn’t want to date her because her hands are sort of manly. Luckily, getting to know these girls can usually break my prejudices. Maybe this is all a false correlation and my prejudices are actually based on how I saw them act? I don’t know, there is another thing about looks and personality. I think there are people types-and I don’t mean Personality A or B. The only way I can describe it is that some people have the same sort of eyes noses, smiles, hair or whatever and they act the same. There is a type of person I have always based on Brandon Gorham. There has always been a type based on Ben Hough. Adam Sandler has a bit of that Ben Hough type in him. I think it’s mainly the eyes and teeth. This type is usually outgoing, popular and a bit sporty. So whenever I see a person with those sort of eyes and teeth, I can predict that they are probably popular ,outgoing and sporty. There is a type of nerdy guy that likes to dress in mostly black, likes to play Magic and always seems to brag about himself and talk with the same sort of speech mannerisms. This guy usually would pronounce “manner” as “manr” while trying to sound well spoken. Change Your View of the World 6/8/03 Tonight I went on one of my walks through the Lincoln Park golf course after dark. Usually I do these in the freezing cold of winter, but it was nice tonight. I brought my harmonica and lay down on my usual putting green and played. Then I put it down and did what I usually do out there- I imagine myself out in space with this big boulder stuck on my back. If you let your imagination carry you, it feels like you might fall off the earth into space if you’re not careful. The effect is easier to pull off if there aren’t a lot of city lights around. Want Will Always Be Bigger Than Have 6/11/03 Katie is a very pretty girl and for the most part I have been able to push aside my usual pickiness to make it work with her. Usually I would let her age (she’s 18 and I’m 24) disqualify her or I would use the fact that she has very small breasts be a good reason for me not to ask her out. She is such a sweetie though and I’m pretty sure she likes me and so I’m able to ignore the things that usually sabotage the possibility of a relationship. With the exception of her being gone all the time and hard to get a hold of, things seem to be going well with her. My latest problem is this new girl that works in Players Club lounge. My gosh, she is perfect and she looks to be more my age. She has this perfect blond hair and nice legs and she wears those “no show” socks. She has these eyes that just grab ahold of me every time I look at her. I don’t even know her name. She seems to be completely oblivious to me though. Why can’t I just concentrate on the girl that I asked out (Katie). Katie has a nice body and a really nice ass and her fingers are dainty and pretty. Her hair is really nice too. One thing though is that her eyes aren’t anything special. Linsay Holman has pretty eyes. Jessica Knell had the best eyes of any girl at the hotel, but nobody has eyes like Naomi O’connor. Actually there is something in Katie’s eyes when she smiles that is really cute. I’m just so afraid of how things will be with her. I had wanted to ask her out way back in March I think, but I didn’t see her again until May and after I asked her out I didn’t see her until last night (That’s 3 weeks!) I’m so scared that if we do date then I will never get to see her! And she still lives with her parents! Why am I the oldest guy in our group of friends and I will have (by far) the youngest girlfriend. I’m People Repellant 7/5/03 Today was Troy and Danielle’s wedding. I went to the ceremony with Rhonda and Jesse, but went to the reception alone. As the night wore on I felt more and more out of place. I think this world really is no place to be single. For some reason I just don’t fit in with people. I just don’t get it, it’s like there’s a force that keeps me away from people. Well, I guess I should mention here what has happened with Katie. We went on two dates and everything seemed wonderful while we were together. But then it became impossible to get together and her emails sloped off to nothing and she never answers her phone. I just don’t get it. It was one week ago today the last time I talked to her. 2 weeks since I last saw her. It seems pretty apparent to me that she’s not interested in me. Why? What did I do wrong?? What did I say?? I must be really ugly or stupid or something. I just don’t get it. This is driving me insane. If it wasn’t for my mom, dad and brother I would kill myself. The only thing I really want in life (at least right now) is to be starting a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. As simple as that. It’s something that happens to most people without even trying; it’s a natural force of nature. My boss Annette is 45 and still single, so it can happen and the way i’M GOING IT WILL HAPPEN VERY EASILY. Sometimes I think people that know me know why I’m single but won’t tell me. So I want to talk to people to see if they can help me out. But then when I do talk to them I find out they can’t help me. Audrey Tautou 7/8/03 The other night I watched Amelie, a French film in subtitles. I had no idea what to expect but I really loved the movie. I think mostly because I like Audrey Tautou so much. I like her little smile and the way she seems a little shy. She reminds me of Audra a lot. I don’t usually like short hair on girls but hers was so cute. Her eyes don’t sparkle like I usually like, but there is something warm, mischevious about them. I wonder if she is really like her character in the movie. Level 1 11-9-03 (1-23-03) I just wanted to comment on End Title, I love the way his voice sortof cracks on the chorus "But you want me to believe in NOthing" right on the NO of nothing. It's like there's real emotion there, almost like he's saying "How could you expect me to believe in nothing? HOW COULD YOU?!" It's that same chill I get from Laural's voice onAleixa's Pacify Me...she screams all her parts with such raw emotion and there's one part you'll miss if you're not listening closely where she says "GO FOR IT!!!" and it just overwhelms me. And in my weirdest comparison ever, it's like the song "The River Will Flow" by Whiteheart on their 1989 Freedom album. Don't even know who the vocalist was then, but such emotion. Level 2 Here's some stuff to think about since the forum is a little slow lately: I find that the very reason I like Level's music is the same reason I seem to be alienated from just about everyone I know. With the exception of my old roommate that moved last year and you guys, no one seems to understand this type of music (and generally all electronic music that I love). What's even more difficult to explain is my like for the darker stuff (Level as opposed to say...Cyber Halo) I realize being right brained (creative) and an artist has some to do with it. So I was wondering, since you guys love this type of music to, do we share other interests? Like, did you guys like themovie The Cell?, do any of you draw, paint or otherwise do art?, Are any of you facinated by mysterious things like supposed haunted houses, stories of abductions or ghosts, blah blah blah. Do any of you read CS Lewis? I could go on, but that's enough for now. rawar Level 3 there's only one real friend I've ever had that is of the same mind when it comes to this kind of music. He and I wanted to start our own project; start buying software and equipment and learning to use the stuff. then the bum had to move to Missouri. ANYWAY our project was going to be called Darkwoods. Don't anyone steal that name though because the principle, the artwork, the concept of Darkwoods is still alive. In fact, I have designed a few of our album covers. The lateset one is a tribute EP to Level. I have put it in the photo album section of this yahoo group. You guys should check it out and tell me what you think.... rawar Level 4 When songs are really good they paint a picture in my head. This song starts out in the grey. Then you realize its fog and you're moving through it. Up, down, forward or backward? Then through the fog you see yourself on a horse. Running, from something. Then there are flashes of a blue sky, a good day and memories of you and the one you love. Then back in the fog, you're racing. There is someone behind you. It's the dark. You keep remembering those days when life was "normal" and all you really want is her... rwr Is Anyone Out There? 11-9-03 I write so much, whether it’s here or in “Pi Rho Park”. Sometimes I really sit and wonder, why do I do this? No one will ever read this. A part of me really wants someone to read everything I’ve written; to be intrigued, to identify. I want to have deep conversation with someone so bad. I think it’s because I feel like I’m the only one who thinks the way I do and I have to bottle it all up and I need to release some how. That’s why I like Felicia so damn much. She is the only person I have ever met that I really feel like she could understand me and I could understand her. She likes foreign films, she liked Amelie. Ha, isn’t that crazy? No one else has ever even heard of it! Except Amber because she watched it with me when I rented it. That feeling I got when I watched that movie, was like...like it awoke something artistic in me, only to fade out a week later. That same feeling came back when I got to talking with Felicia. Dang it. Why does she have to move to Denver, why can’t she be a Christian? And what I really want to know is, did she lose interest in me? I feel like it. WHY? We have SO much in commen. I just think of the things we could do together. I would be so happy with her. My Issues 11-11-03 I have always felt like I am different than everyone. For long periods of time I can act normal, laugh, have fun and ignore what’s different. But its like an elephant in the room. I am so different. That why I was falling in love with Felicia because I thought I finally met someone like me. But now...now I know that was me once again just trying to ignore the signs so that I could be happy. I ignored the fact that she is extremely busy-like everyone else, she has something scheduled every moment of her life. Just like Benson, if he’s not at Rugby practice or leading the youth group at his church, he’s practicing with his band or helping out with the Polynesian club. No one is as free as me. I have time for you but you don’t have time for me. I have so much time you’d think I’d be able to accomplish more, but I don’t because it seems like to me that I don’t have enough time. My nights seem so short. I can’t even concentrate enough after work and dinner to sit down and do what I love most, art. Sleep is really important to me so I try hard to get 8 hours but usually only 6 a night. Some people, like Felicia are really not getting enough sleep because they are trying to do too much. I couldn’t do that because the less sleep I get the worse I feel and less motivated. Another reason why I am so different is because I am consumed by my desire to have a serious relationship with a girl. It is all I think about and the longer I go without it the worse I want it. It is far more important to me than work, and I know this sounds bad, but church too. I know you will say I have my priorities wrong and I agree. But how do I change this desire?? It so powerful a desire. Benson likes to get it on with girls but he doesn’t seem to want to really have a girlfriend. Felicia, I guess her career is way too important to let a relationship get in the way. See, I cannot understand that. Yeah there’s things I want to do in life, but I would rather be poor and live in a small town with my beautiful wife and our family than get everything I ever wanted career wise and be alone with no one to share it with. I HATE being alone. Yes there are times when I’d like to get away from everyone, but I do not in anyway want to spend my life persuing a career for myself, so that I can get lots of money to by myself more crap and play with the crap I bought myself all alone. It’s all worthless without having someone there, someone to reach your goals for, someone to bring your paycheck home to share buying groceries together, to surprise with gifts and dinner, to help you pick things out, to share your new furniture, or TV or DVD player. Please God, don’t let me be alone. Maybe people who don’t want anyone around don’t need someone to talk to, to release all their troubles from the day. I would love what Wes has in Rebecca. Whenever something exciting happens or when he has had a bad day, he can pick up the phone and hear Rebecca’s sweet voice and know she will always be by his side. And what could make a guy feel more like a man than being there for his girl, drying her eyes when she cries and telling her everything is going to be alright. So what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be in a relationship? I think it is because I want it too much. I guess that scares girls away. They’re always complaining that guys are afraid of commitment, but if they ever looked into the eyes of a guy who is not, they’d start feeling suffocated and flee. This is the catch 22 I am faced with. Maybe this sounds a little pretentious, but I really feel like I am the “nice guy” that always finishes last. I feel like I could be everything to my girl, everyhting she ever wanted. I mean, I hear how guys treat their women, and how they talk about them and I would NEVER be that way to my girl. But I really do think girls say one thing and are attracted to (excuse my language) dickheads. 9-16-04 Time flys so fast I can't get a grip.
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