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Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is...

Author's notes and official 'Thank you' list

Chapter 3
Chapter 6
Chapter 9
Chapter 12
Chapter 1
Chapter 4
Chapter 7
Chapter 10
Thank you list
Chapter 2
Chapter 5
Chapter 8
Chapter 11
Translation notes

Prologue - Even dolls have feelings
(February 18th 1999)

I know what some of you may think. Rei is OOC (out of character). Personally, I'm not so sure of that. Sure, Rei is a pretty cold person, but she has shown that she had emotions. In the series, she has done a few amazing things for Shinji's sake. I personally believe that Rei's problem is that she has difficulty recognizing her own emotions, even more trouble expressing them.

And remember, as much emotionless Rei may seem, she is still a teenage girl.

Well, this is my vision of Rei. Feel free to disagree.

Chapter 1 - Valentine's Day
(February 21th 1999)

As you may have noticed, I'm using the Japanese format for the names, in other words, family name first.

I guess it may be useful to inform you about the place in time of this story. I pretty much disregarded the EVA timeline (at least I think). Meaning, this story starts between the Eleventh and Twelfth Angel attacks (let's just say the angels were lazy for a while, OK?), between episodes 14 and 15 (as the prelude, "Visions", occured in the timeline at episode 14). I guess it's just yet another alternate EVA universe. Could be worse. I didn't add/modify angels, or EVAs or pilots...

Quite frankly, I'm not sure whether Shinji is out of character or not (or every one else for that matter). While a hundred time easier to deal with than Rei, it's still hard to have this series developed through the Third Child eyes. I'll try to do my best to keep him as true as possible to the original, although I may give him some of the spine the manga Shinji has. But I can't guarantee that Shinji will evolve the same way through out this story. Many things can happen. But to give you a hint, let's just say I hated the Shinji I saw in End Of Evangelion.

Chapter 2 - Shinji Belongs to me!
(February 28th 1999)

(1) As mentioned in the Newtype 100% Collection Neon Genesis Evangelion volume, there actually is a washing machine in Rei's apartment For those curious, it's located on the left of her bed, right behind those dark curtains.

Please don't even ask questions about the Rei pic. For a while, I asked myself, should I use it, should I not? But since it didn't really show anything... (EoE and the series definitively showed more skin then this picture) So, why not please the boys a bit? And no, you won't see more. This ain't a lemon fic.

The "Unite body and soul?" line. I know that kind of line is seen more and more in fics. Not as much as the classic "I musn't run away", but quite often anyway. I couldn't really resist... At least, I didn't use "I musn't run away" (I know some people are sick of seeing that one).

Chapter 3 - Breaking the ice
(March 23th 1999)

This story occurs in a quite hypothetical future, more then 16 years from now. So, when came the time to talk about money, I just took some numbers out of nowhere. Roughly, I'd say a million yen (in this story) would be the equivalent of ten thousand dollar US in early 1999. So Shinji is roughly paid what equaled $60,000 in the US in 1999. My guesses are that Misato's pay would be around the $40,000 US.

If any of you readers knows about the financial specifics of the NGE universe, fell free to tell me. I'll adjust the numbers if necessary.

The name of the restaurant where Shinji takes Rei, "Pour Deux" (meaning "for two" in French), was taken from various Ranma fanfics by Jeffrey "OneShot" Wong. As hard as I tried to think about a nice French name, this one just kept crawling back into my mind. I finally decided to give in...

Chapter 4 - Don't play with fire
(April 13th 1999)

(1) In episode 16, it's mentioned that Shinji can't swim, as he "chat" with himself while trapped within a Sea of Dirac:

Other Shinji : "For example, you cannot swim."
Shinji : "Humans aren't made to float."

Of course, Shinji would be able to take a little dip in the water, as long as he doesn't go too far from the shore. However, it would be very characteristic of Asuka to try to "fix" this little problem Shinji has with water.

About Security... Many fics portrayed the Children constantly under surveillance by Security, or if you prefer, NERV Intelligence. It's reasonable if you consider that the Children are after all vital for mankind's survival. A comment made by Ritsuko in episode 23 would bring support to this hypothesis. How Shinji managed to loose them in episode 4, if he did really loose them, I have no idea.

As for the kiss being Asuka's first... well, honestly, do you think that Asuka would have found anyone, aside from Kaji, worthy of it? I doubt it. Perhaps she dated some guys at times while in college, but I doubt that anything lasted for long and I doubted that she would have let anyone put his filthy lips on her. The fact that she cut Shinji's air supply in episode 15 would also hint to that.

Chapter 5 - The more things change, the more they stay the same
(April 29th 1999)

(1) I was informed that in Japan, students get half a day of classes on Saturday. Since in the series the Children never seemed to do anything during the day, I thought it would fit. More reasons for Asuka to actually hate the extra Sunday classes.

First thing. The title of this chapter was inspired by the title of a Ranma fanfic "The more things change..." You should go read it, it's a great fic!

Next, I must thank Axel Terizaki, Darren Demaine and R. Alexander Spoerer for their help in this chapter, mainly with the Gendo/Shinji confrontation and the little omake (I was short on ideas). Actually, some small parts if this chapter and following omake written by Darren and R. Alexander. It may not seem like much, but all that help was invaluable in the building of Part 2.

Finally, about the story itself. You probably did notice that Part 2 is about the Twelfth Angel attack. While the general idea stayed the same (even some dialogs and events were untouched) it is still very different then episode 16. "Why?" you may ask. It's quite simple really. You probably noticed, Shinji's life changed a lot lately and so did he. Under those circumstances, I didn't think the original events, mainly Shinji's introspection while trapped in the Dirac Sea, were consistent with the new Shinji. Therefore I had to change things a bit. Also, it avoided just copying what happened in that episode.

Shinji's introspective scene was mainly influenced by episodes 25-26, EoE (mainly Asuka's awakening) and of course, the TOILI storyline (took lots of lines from my previous chapters).

Some of you may think that the scene with Gendo may be a little OOC. I can't blame you, I thought so myself. But in a way, I just advanced the schedule. It's a bit like the scene after Unit-03 incident, but this time Shinji faced his father by his own free will and he had time to prepare himself for that colossal task. Gendo may seem not to react much. Maybe it's because he doesn't feel that Shinji's request threaten his plans. As long as he can manipulate Rei, there is no problem. If that means letting her have some fun with his son, then so be it. It may even give him additional ways to control her. Not to mention that Gendo surely already anticipated the possibility of an emotional awakening in Rei.

Chapter 6 - Friends
(May 28th 1999)

(1) This would be a slight cameo, no mystery there. Some of you may have recognized the Hotaru I briefly described as Tomoe Hotaru, from Sailormoon. I considered using Mizuno Ami instead, but the Hotaru "before Chibi-Usa" felt more appropriate.

See? They look a bit the same. ^_^

The Japanese characters on this picture simply represent the girls names: Ayanami Rei and Tomoe Hotaru. My thanks to John Cope, Rocci Cirone and Godsend777 for that bit of information

(2) Inspired by a scene in DNA2. I couldn't help but to include that little quote here, considering Shinji's recent, and future, relations with the NGE female cast (you guys! stop drooling, that's not what I meant by "relations", you hentai! - I knew I shouldn't have put that lime scene in Part 1... ^_^ ).

No, in Part 1, Touji and Hikari didn't go all the way, as Shinji imagined, although it came close. I'd like to think that it would take more than one night for them to get that deeply involved. Besides, as Hikari said herself, despite his rough exterior, Touji's a nice, caring guy. Probably enough not to risk getting Hikari pregnant. However, as indicated by Hikari, this changed before the activation test of Unit-03. Guess Touji followed his own advice: 'Whatever decision you make, don't wait too long. Because if you do, something may happen and you could regret it.'

About Shinji and Rei you ask? That is a secret. You may discover later whether they went all the way or not...

Unit-03 and the Fourth Children. Why did Shinji and Asuka not seem to know anything about that. Well, Shinji isolated himself for a few days and Misato avoided him, so he never learned about it. As for Asuka, in the series, she learned about the Fourth Children why trying to get Kaji's attention. However, her mind is on Shinji now. So she never went to see Kaji, therefore she never learned about the Fourth.

(3) I know this point is slightly controversial, but no matter how many times I looked at that scene, I just could come to only one conclusion: that left arm isn't there. Unfortunately, unless they've added something in those numerous editions of "Death/Rebirth" and "End of Evangelion", we don't get to see Touji later. So I decided to follow the trend we usually see and have that arm removed. It just bring more drama ^_^

I had comments that Rei was quite OOC. I'm not much surprised. However, keep the context in mind. For more then a month and an half, Rei has been learning to experience emotions, to recognize them and to express them. So I believe it would be natural right now that she would be more "alive" then initially. Also, you will notice that so far, she seems to express those emotions to only three persons: Ikari Shinji (her love), Asuka Langley (her rival - source of emotions like anger, jealousy and hate) and Tomoe Hotaru (her friend - to show that Rei can find more in life then just Shinji; Hotaru's loneliness, similar to the one she felt without Shinji, was what attracted her). Rei acts more or less like the old Rei with anybody else. She hasn't developed a bond with Misato as Shinji and Asuka did. When she gave "support" to Hikari, she mainly did it to calm her down, so that Shinji wouldn't be worried over his friend. She still doesn't interact much with her class. In fact, Shinji is still basically the core of her life. While she express herself more, it's mainly because of him (Hotaru being the exception, the awakening of her individuality).

(4) Kaoru... Some of you are probably displeased a bit by my little twist. There's nothing I can do about it. While I could still have used the Nagisa Kaworu we know, I find that a female Kaoru gives me more possibilities to mess up my little love triangle even more.

Just to be sure everyone understands, this is still Nagisa. The origins, his/her motivations and his/her feelings will basically be the same, although since I may have to improvise a bit: we don't really see Nagisa much in the series after all and it makes a full analysis of the character a bit more difficult.

The idea of a female Nagisa came from visiting NGE pages. In one of those, I've discovered that Kaworu could be spelled either "Kaworu" or "Kaoru". In my mind, it felt weird (I had always spelled it "Kaworu"), since for me "Kaoru" somewhat referred to Kamiya Kaoru (I'm a big Rurouni Kenshin fan). So, here I was, looking at Kaoru on my RK poster, pondering in the use of her name on males and females when the idea struck me: why not change that bishonen gray-haired jerk (my apologies to the Kaworu fans - I don't really mean that) to a girl? The potential was great, mainly possibly really having a (love?) relationship between Shinji and Kaoru. And it's original.

Initially, I had planned on using Mana from "Girlfriend of Steel" as a graphic model. After many days of reflecting on this, I finally decided against it. While using Mana would have been very convenient, a lot of people who knew about the character were either confused or not really comfortable with that change. I'm not that stubborn, so while I keep Nagisa as a girl, I modified her appearance for a more conventional one.

Some will have noticed, I've put an "Assisted by" note at the beginning of this chapter. Darren graciously offered his help in commenting and writing a few scenes for me. Think you can find them? Just look for a wider range in the vocabulary... Thanks, Darren! Thank you very much!

Chapter 7 - Awakening
(August 27th 1999)

Some may wonder about what exactly happened between Rei and Asuka. I agree, it seems very sudden. But don't forget, this is from Shinji's perspective. He wasn't there to witness a thing. However, Axel Terizaki wrote a side story for me to cover this "gap". It's available here Friends or Rivals: a TOILI side-story.

The name Mari, for Touji's sister, was taken from the well known Neon Genesis Evangellydonut, by Andrew Huang, from part 3.5. It's cute and I've seen it used in other fics. One of my partners, Godsend777, used it himself for his TOILI side story, "For the sake of love and duty". For the sake of continuity, not to mention because it's a cute name and I was too lazy to try to think of some other name, I used it. But first of all, I would rather like to think of it as a small tribute to Andrew's work (yep! You all guessed right, the question you see in a lot of fics... "When can we expect the next chapter of Evangellydonut, Andrew?" - if he answers that, I'll be overjoyed, that means he read TOILI... ^_^ ).

Those who have read "All I want is you", Jeremy's Chapter 6 lemon side story, will have recognised Rei's reaction near the end of part 2. It was something I had intended to include in TOILI almost from the beginning, but couldn't find a place until now. However, I decided to make it vague, so that it could lead to possible scenarios for those who haven't read the lemon. The intent of that plot device is to show that Rei isn't perfect. Many people where under that impression with the first chapters of TOILI. However, with chapter six and now seven, we see that Rei has her flaws like Asuka does, that she is afraid and doesn't trust Shinji enough to expose her secrets, even if she does love him. Keeping the truth locked away is more secure then risk facing the pain of loosing Shinji. I've seen Rei being described as the incarnation of innocence. I disagree. Someone truly innocent would never had secrets to begin with. This doesn't mean that Rei is bad. It only means that she is human. Which, in my opinion, is much more attractive.

Chapter 8 - Tears / Those three words I should have said
(September 16th 1999)

I scared a few of you, didn't I? I'm sure some of you did wonder if Shinji and Misato... perverts! ^_^

Now, the big question, who shot Kaji? Having Misato do the job would have brought more drama to this chapter, and could very well explain her reaction when she heard the message (without Shinji, she would have probably stayed on the kitchen floor until morning). But... as hard as I tried to explore this possibility... I had trouble finding proper justification for her shooting him. So, like in the series, I left the question open. Of course, some of you may still wonder what Misato exactly meant by "Shinji. He's dead. I know." (am I evil or what?)

About Kaji's fate... Well, I'll admit it, I picked up the idea from a fanfic series I really love and admire. I won't name it, not to spoil some people. I thought it was a great idea and the irony of the situation was just fitting. Also, it gives me some possibilities to exploit in case I encounter some problems toward the End.

Chapter 9 - Shattered mind / I'm here for you
(September 16th 1999)

(1) While I used the manga characterization for Shinji, the events follows the anime. So, Asuka didn't fight the Sixth Angel alone.

Chapter 9 was quite hard to write. This type of situation (Asuka crying in Shinji's arms) has been done often. Worse: it's been done by Andrew Huang in a Shinji's POV story (for those who don't know, shame on you, the title of that story is "I Mustn't Run Away"). It was HARD not to repeat the same things. Fortunately, Andrew had made a slight change in the plot, while I more or less remained with the original chain of events. Still, I had to be careful. So I kept the scene with the quarantine tape short, while insisting more in after effects (but still, I had to be careful avoiding copying "In Other Words" too). A conversation with Rei at the beginning, plus one with Asuka (idea courtesy of Darren Demaine) helped the overall story.

The words "I'm here for you" came from the first Video Girl Ai OVA. I loved the first episodes of that series the moment I watched them. Those words at the end of the first OVA... they had a huge impact on me. Not sure exactly why... Maybe because part of me is a romantic fool and sometimes I feel hopelessly single?

About the end? Well, it was bound to happen (if it didn't already in chapter 6) sooner or later...

Before someone asks, there will be NO lemon side story to this chapter. I want it to be left as it is: an act of comfort, an act of love, something totally innocent. Chances are that a lemon would ruin that.

Chapter 10 - Never Forget
(October 31st 1999)

I know, this part is more or less an adaptation of Episode 23. I apologize for that, but there wasn't much ways to change it, especially the visit in Dogma. Of course, I made changes and additions, but it's still more or less the same. I'm not sure the failed Unit-01 test happened there, but I decided to take some liberties on that.

Some may note that Ritsuko showed the Artificial Evolution Room, the EVAs remains, and then the dummy plug in the anime. I changed the order because it seemed to make more sense to have the Artificial Evolutionary Laboratory followed by the dummy plug room.

Why make Shinji a 'clone' you may ask. Well, first, it follows more what we've seen happening. It was clear enough. The retrieval failed, LCL was dumped, and Shinji only appeared after Misato hugged his empty plugsuit and his mother sent him back. You can clearly hear a slurping sound and then a naked Shinji with behind him, light from Unit-01's core. While all this doesn't necessarily mean that Shinji was cloned, I thought it was not only a reasonable hypothesis and good idea, it's also original. In addition to that, I thought such a fact would help Shinji accept Rei's origins, as they would be in some way similar. He couldn't really blame her for being what he is partly himself.

About Kaoru? I'll admit, it didn't go as planned. I wanted to have more appearances and more interactions with her before she would appear in Chapter 11, but circumstances didn't really permit it. Stories have a life of their own; sometimes, they can grow differently then what you had planned.

Finally, Rei and Hotaru. Just to be sure some of you are not confused by the omake, nothing happened between the two girls. Both of them stayed on their side of the bed while... indulging themselves into some solo pleasure. Why put *that* some may ask. Well, it's all because of a dare. Kawaii Ka-Wing-chan (author of a few EVA fics like "Asuka, Ex-Poser", "Lights out", etc.) dared me to use in TOILI (I think the idea initially pop up as a joke of some sort, I don't remember quite how it started) a scene where Rei and Hotaru actually had sex (still in the context of Rei teaching Hotaru about sex). I initially used a scene like that, but some of my pre-readers thought it was a bit too much. So I tone it down. However... I will be putting it into the TOILI outtakes (Ka-Wing, the dare was to use it... you didn't say where ^_^ ).

Chapter 11 - Where Angels Fear to Tread
(December 6th 1999)

(1) Taken from the third manga, a mix of the English and French edition. Shinji said those words to Rei, after having pulled her out of her overheated entry plug, as he helps her walk toward the rescue team.

(2) The plural form of "Dummkopf" (in english, simpleton) would be the Dummkoepfe (or Dummköpfe). However, Shinji wouldn't know that...

(3) If we take a good look at a few NGE official pictures (not fanarts) one can notice that Kaworu's plug suit is like Shinji's, except for the colors. The same goes for Touji. From that, one could theorize that there is also a standard plugsuit design for females as well. However... Rei and Asuka have different plugsuits. Asuka being the first production model pilot, it seems right to say that her plugsuit design would be the standard one. This was more or less confirmed with some fanart of Hikari, Maya, Ritsuko and Misato in plugsuits; all of them taking as graphic model Asuka's suit.

Well, this is the reworked and reoriented Chapter 11. I feel actually much happier about it. It feels more like a chapter of TOILI now.

For those who wonder what this is about, well it's simple. As you may see in the outtakes, Shinji and Kaoru in the original chapter were a bit... closer... (in other words, they had pointless sex). This had the unfortunate effect of making Kaoru not only abnormally horny for an Angel, but also she appeared too much manipulative, maybe getting even less sympathy the original Kaworu. To quote one of my readers: "Kaoru is a slut". Well, it may be a bit much, but it does carry the feeling of uneasiness some people felt and that I felt myself, although, in many case, it may also have been about Shinji betraying so easily the girls he loved.

Solution to this problem? Redesign Kaoru. After all, we only really see her in this chapter, so it was rather easy to do. Thanks to some discussions, I eventually created a new model in my mind: a fusion between Rei and Belldandy, from the series Ah! My Goddess! That resulted in a calmer, gentler, sometimes clueless Kaoru (which gave me the opportunity to tone down parts where the original Kaoru only had sex on her mind) but also very direct and perceptive. I don't know if I did a good job in creating this portrayal, but I do feel a lot more at ease with this chapter. I can now move forward...

For those who wonder about the title, "Where Angels Fear to Tread", this Title was suggested to me my EeL, pre-reader extraordinaire and author of HERZ. He explained it to me this way:

"It's got a few layers to it - the first half of the proverb comes to mind, "Fools rush in..." It could also refer to the effort by Kaoru to understand love and humans through Shinji and her final descent into terminal dogma. More abstractly, a reference to the AT field - the sacred light of the soul where no other is allowed to trespass, the AT-field being the main reason why Eva is an effective weapon against the Angels."

One more point, now that I revised this chapter, would be Kaoru's mention of the freedom to choose, a capacity that the other Angels lacked.

On a final note, I think it's clear now that those who labeled this story as WAFF and Romance were wrong. Of course, I knew from the start. TOILI was meant to cover much more then that. It has WAFF, Romance and Humor, but also Drama and Angst, not to mention some Lime scenes.

With Chapter 12... expect anything.

Oh, yeah... some people might mention that a kitchen knife seems a bit big to fit in a school uniform pocket. Keep in mind that this is a dream sequence and that dreams don't always make total sense. And I have a reason for specifically using a kitchen knife.

Chapter 12 - End of Evangelion
(January 18th 2000)

(1) This quote is taken (although, slightly modified, based on the French translation) from the second Evangelion manga. In that story, Misato played a greater role in Shinji's decision to stay in Tokyo-3 instead of leaving to go back to his old life. I found it more appropriate.

(2) In a lot of fictions, a synch ratio over 100% was considered as a superior ratio, making Unit-01 stronger, etc. Absorption by Unit-01 was presumed to happen only when it reached 400%. Personally, I don't think it works that way. If one looks at episode 19, the process happened very quickly. Unit-01 restarted and Shinji had reached 400% in a matter of seconds. He was gone. His synch ratio did not slowly progress to reach 400%. Actually, I believe that 400% may not be an accurate number, but rather a speculation made by MAGI following Shinji's absorption, something that was most likely outside set parameters. Taking all this into account, I would considers 99,9999999% to be an extremely high synch rate, almost on the edge of absorption of the pilot by EVA.

(3) I realize that in the future, they'll likely have more advanced technology then DVD technology, but I didn't feel like making something up...

(4) A translation of Mizuno could be "of water", which seems to fit Rei. It was inspired by Mizuno Ami, from Sailormoon, who also happens to be a cute short blue haired girl ^_^

Some people mentioned to me that this chapter seemed rushed. It was intentionally written this way. With the exception of the beginning and end, Shinji is either running for his life and against the clock. Such moments are not the best for introspection, they are for action. As for Shinji's choice, it was also on purpose that I didn't show the introspective process that lead to it (beside, I think that the explanations he gives are quite clear enough). That way, I could delay him voicing his choice as close to the end as I could.

There are of course a number of unresolved questions here. Some of them are answered in a side story written by Darren Demaine: Let the World Burn / One Dream at a Time. Others will be answered in the epilogue.

Well, this is it. The end of TOILI. Hope you enjoyed it ^_^

Translation notes



(special thanks to TT who corrected some mistakes I made with a few German lines)

Special thanks to:

I have a few people I must give my thanks to.

First, the people who inspired me to write this story:

My dedicated "fans", in other word, people who invested themselves a lot into the TOILI saga, taking hours to help me with my spelling and grammar, who wasted time discussing it with me, who sometime read one or more chapters a few times and provided invaluable C&C in order to improve the quality of this story and who sometime even wrote side stories to expend the TOILI universe:

My other pre-readers, who, while not as active as the previously named people, did provide greatly appreciated help and support:

The people who took the time to write to me to give me their (98% of the time positive) C&C:

A special mention for Pat Budmar. Thanks to our arguments, I discovered that an Asuka/Shinji is indeed quite possible. And if I couldn't convince you of that, at least I strengthen my positions (and no, that doesn't mean Asuka will win, I've got arguments for a Shinji/Rei relationship somewhere as well...)

All those I've forgotten.
As well as all of your who read this fic and stayed anonymous (you know, I love to receive mail :)
Arigato minna!

Alain Gravel