A Generally Bitter Young Woman

It's not about the mission, Master, it's something elsewhere, elusive...



Memoirs of a teenager

"The highs and lows of life" Nonsensical stories interlaced with tidbits of truth, irony and poetry.
welcome to the portfolio of my life and my soul



all writings beyond this line are the soul property of Elizabeth Pears and you are asked to not take any of it or use it with out permission and due credit to the author - thank you.



Here let me introduce myself... I'm Liz... I’m a Capricorn…. I'm 20 years old... and I've just been dumped and had my heart ripped out and stepped on by the boy I love on his way out the door... perhaps he dumped me for "her" or perhaps he didn't dump me at all and I just took his comments the wrong way... but either way I cried over it... but I'll survive...
So to you 'Mike'... I will have my revenge.




I feel.
I feel as though my heart has been ripped out by the fellow I love and shown to me like that scene from Indiana Jones... and all I can do is stand there and scream as I watch my still beating heart fall from his hands to the floor and then as I fall to the ground I see him step on it in his passing as i die in a puddle of my own blood... thanks jr.



Like the writings of a mad man
the words leave my hand.
Not knowing what I'm writing.
Not wanting to understand.
I am lost in a world of words
where no one can reach me
when no one tries
fighting for room,
gasping for air...
Alone.
and yet completely surrounded.
Reaching for the door
but getting farther from it
crying for release of my soul
wanting to be free
but not Knowing where to go-
alone again.




It’s a wonder I haven't been commited yet...



The Perfect drug...
I was laying on my bed one day, sleeping (as usual), when I was suddenly awoken by a giant praying mantis that ambushed me and dragged me down kicking and screaming into the underworld that is inhabited by fiery beasts that stole my soul and took possession of my helpless body. The beast named Tomastis planned to take over my body and use my human form to destroy the universe. My soul was then forced to live in a jar no bigger then a shot glass (it was either that or have my soul eaten by Marilyn Manson...) With such peril threatening the fate of all mankind I had to come up with something... FAST. As I devised my plan, it came to mind that I must steal my captors body in order to make my escape quicker, and hopefully allow me to get out unnoticed. It took weeks for me to seduce the keeper of the jar into letting me out so I could show him a magic trick and my relentless pleas were not in vain, he soon released me from the urn of my imprisonment spurred by the pure curiosity of learning the magic of my world. I began the mesmerizing feat of the disappearing quarter, and by telling him the quarter was in his ear, I was successfully able to grab his head and beat it against the wall causing him to loose consciousness. To assure that I wouldn't be caught, I fed his soul to the satanistic beings who cried out in need of the life renewing souls, which only one of the living could give. I took strange pleasure in flinging that poor soul to its destruction and all while laughing the uncontrollable laugh of a mad man. As I walked away from the pit of Hell, I stepped into a large puddle of radioactive slime, causing me to gain super human powers and strength. The force caused by the sudden transfer of energy knocked me to the floor in a daze. It seemed like hours before I was able to stand up without being overcome by the psychic visions that paralyzed my brain. Still weak and unsteady I worked my way towards a light in the distance, but was stopped by a huge army of demons. It seemed that my adventure had come to an end. There was no hope for the universe now... so I fell to my knees and let them attack.... However, thanks to my newly acquired super powers I was unharmed and able to fight my way free using the lightning that came from my fingertips. I was able to destroy most of them, and the ones I didn't destroy, escaped and fled back to where they had come from. I was stunned by the electricity that I could feel flowing through my body, and decided to see what, if anything, I could do other then shoot hell fire from my fingers. The more I searched within myself I found that I also had the ability to disappear and to fly, all this combined with my super human strength made me indestructible... As interesting as it was learning of my abilities, I had to save the universe. I proceeded on my journey and finally made it to the light and discovered a rip in the interdimensional time continuum. This was my chance to escape, and I took it. But alack alack, I was too late. The beasts had already taken over my life and the world was much altered from the way I remembered it. My family had all been captured and were set in jars over the mantel of the fireplace. Tomastis had removed all of the furniture from the house in order to set up headquarters. Everything had changed. It was then that I confronted my body in the hopes of peace, but was soon drawn into mortal combat, no rules, just my body against my soul...........



Echo’s
like the beating
of my heart
Screaming for love
Unbruised from
Pain
Hollow thoughts
Filled with you
All alone
As emptiness
rules




Happy Birthday

The sin of the eye
Compared to the hand
Blinking
Beating
Fluttering in the snow
I see.
I see you,
Laughing
Cold
Empty
Laughs –
I see.
I see the chupacabra
Sucking blood
Sucking goats -
Goats blood
Blood sucking
Vampire -
Ripping the veins
Death
Dying
Dead
Cold
Frozen
Unthaw.
Like children
Playing
In a dark December river
Flowing
And not moving
Like tears in unfeeling eyes




Stranded...
alone...
In a white room.
Making blowfish
on the single window into the outside world--
But it's only a hallway...
Doctor's say I'm crazy.
I know I'm not.
The walls
white
and padded.
To prove what?
Aliens aren't real?
They don't know....
I was there,
the mothership...
The air sounded like blood
rushing through my ears.
And the incessant drilling...
implanting things...
They think the aliens won't come for me here...
In this small,
white,
airless,
windowless room...
but they'll get me,
I know they will.




Because of you

When the light is fading
And darkness starts to fall
I remember the night you held me
I remember it all
The smell of your cologne
The touch of your sweet lips
Wishing it were a dream
Knowing that it wasn’t
Hoping it would change
The relationship we had
We are friends though
And nothing more
I am left with guilt
Feeling abandoned
Wishing I was numb
Wishing I was gone
I see your smile
And my heart aches
I know you don’t love me
You never will
Some will say it’s in the past
But for me the pain goes on
This one night you held me
This one night we kissed
I hope someday you’ll think of me
And the moment we once shared
But now as I fall
No one’s there to catch me…
Because your arms are holding her.




A little song a little dance.... Batman’s head on a lance....



poem for a boy I loved once

Hey! I love you.
But you don't see me.
We used to be good friends,
so what am I now?
Someone to listen to your problems...
Then why wont you listen to mine?
Sorry I act so happy,
I'm sorry I'm so shy.
If you'd only listen
You'd know what I feel inside.
You'd see how hurt,
how alone,
how sad I feel...
But you don't care.
You've built this wall between us,
That pushes me away.
so I'm left alone to think of you,
and all the days gone by.
I miss you.
And I just wanted to say,
I love you.




4,269 it could mean anything... I could be counting the specks of dust on a moths wings... It could be how many times my heart beats the instant I think of you... It could be the number of air molecules I inhale when I'm smelling your cologne... It could be the number of times I say your name to myself every day... It could be how many times I dream of you, me, of us...It could be the times we've kissed, or held each other... Or could it be the times you've broken my heart, and apologized... Or the number of times I've waited for you to call, or show up for some meaningless date that I had spent hours planning... Jerk... Or it could just be the number of dust specks on a moth’s wing.



Kill All Pot Roast!!

space ships... coming for us.... with the lights
the noise
tools torturing my form
hollow laughter engulfs my mind
as the implant is melted
into my bone
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
pain
pain
pain
pain
and then
release
into the world of lost time....
and dead watches.




Passions of the spirit
clash,
With the barren
mourning waist land
inside.
Echoes
clear
but pulled under
by the sounds
of a hollow night.
Out of reach Like a spiders web.
When release comes only after
the cold.




Friends are ever changing
like a boomerang
they go,
but they always come back.
some are constant
like the changing of night
to day.
Never Moving,
Never Failing,
like the sun,
moon,
and stars.
Like the migration of birds.
They're gone for a season,
but they always come back.
The years may go,
the styles may change,
but love
though it may leave
will always come back
like the grass
after the snow.




A few little stories of life in my head....



I heard the loon calling for me. I wish it would come for me and take me from this world of yellow flowers. They've started to talk to me and I don't like what they're saying... my walk through the graveyard? THE Grass? The entrancing yellow flowers? I picked one and it smiled at me so I smiled back, but then it bit me and I wondered if flowers had rabies, So I dropped it and a hand came out of the ground and reached for it and I reached for it too. But the hand grabbed me and pulled me under and I woke up in this beautiful field of yellow flowers... But like I said, they're talking to me now and it's not right... the things they say is like rape to my ears... Here they come.... the men in the coats... No! No! don't take me... I'm afraid of that white room with the single red dot that I'll have to count day after day after day after day after day... one, oNe, One, onE, OnE... ONE! it will drive me crazy but the flowers say I'm already there.... they are wrong! and I wish the loon would call me more often...



SECOND WIND

He walked
in charge of his skin,
and nothing more,
around the world.
Like a curious
luminous grace
to be a ship
cutting through
a quiet sea.
I see a tunnel
at both ends
open,
to let light in,
and to keep it out.
Thoughts of brotherhood
dropped.
Try to shake hands
with a rock
and learn the horror
of how flat Hell is.




Home is where you hang yourself
Beneath the full moon of night
When your phony family turns on and off
like a stupid TV sitcom
When dinner is like speaking
to stones that smell like pork.
No more can I stand
To be stared at
and mocked
Like the rice in a bowl of soup.




A sheltered life
that has two stories
Feelings
Like a broken glass
To see the soul within
Only one story left
but needing a ladder
to see inside
Sloshing through the mud
LOST
The fearlessness
and dignity
Towering above risks
almost spiritual
but not quite
Reminding me
of Windex
and old newspaper.




Reality set in...
All six places were set at the table when I realized there are only five of us now. The squealing of the tires was like murder to my ears as I saw the bike but no Tommy... But we'll have to leave that sixth chair at the table to satisfy my need for perfection. Six... it's a nice even number, one at each end and two on each side... But it's just the five of us now... The five of us... Six of us! There has to be six... Five... Five... The empty chair and the five of us.




Life is a book of matches.
calm and collected on the out surface,
but just waiting for a spark
igniting the soul,
an intense fire
Love,
Hate,
anger,
destruction,
and ash as it goes--
burning till the end,
where life stops cold.




The Echo People

Once upon a time an old friend of mine met me in the grocery store and related to me this little story.... A friend of ours... we'll call him Bob.... was out walking one day when he was suddenly stopped by a bright beam of light appearing in the sky above him and was frozen into place as he watched as what seemed like hundreds of bodies fell from within the beam and landed in a bloody sprawling mass in front of him. And as you can probably guess he was paralyzed with fear so his attempts to run were futile...... The light seemed to get brighter for a moment and from within it came a figure of a exceedingly tall man, or something in the shape of a man, and with a voice that came clearly into his subconscious mind he was warned...... "We're coming for you... ALL OF YOU.... The Echo People WILL rule again!!" and then it all suddenly disappeared as quickly as it had come... bodies and all. All that was left of the encounter was a huge puddle of blood and the sound of mephistophelean laughter ringing through his head that won't go away. The poor man has been take away to a sanitarium over this... What do you think that means? The echo people will rule again?
Strange.....



The pounding in my head
Like a raging storm
Thoughts of you fly by
Your smile
Your laugh ~
Light heartedness gone
Not serious though ~
Just knowing
What? I do not know
I make my guesses
But grow sick with longing
Boredom
Missing your touch
Having you so near
I'm unable to tell you
How I feel
My hopes
My dreams
My fears ~
You're in love
Maybe with me
Maybe not...
I love you completely
Watching the rain
Run off the windshield
I think of you
And see a light
In this stormy night




Night falls
The stars are out
And there we are
Alone together
I seek out your eyes
In the darkness
And see in them
Everything ~
Everything you want to say
Everything you'd like to do
But cannot
You have her
I have him
And here we are together
Alone. Together and in love.




Touching on the facts
I am me.
I am a wonderful person.
Or so they say
I am shy.
I am a flirt.
But no one flirts with me
I am happy.
I am beautiful.
At least that's what john thinks
I am out going.
I am special.
Yeah ... right ... if they only knew...
I am kind.
I am caring.
But only to a point.
I am a heart of gold.
I am sympathetic.
Or was that just pathetic?
I am strong.
I am comforting.
No one will ever see me cry
I am the rock in a storm.
I am stable.
The storm is inside
I am quiet.
I am content.
Run screaming for the hills!!
I am... I am... I am...
I have them all fooled...
Or maybe I'm fooling myself...




Dreams of John

I stand
Trying to write a poem
About something
Other then love
Or hurt
Or John
But nothing comes
And the three
Mesh into one
Lovehurtjohn
As one word
One feeling
One fear
And the realization
That nothing lasts ~
My dreams
are the whispers
of what might be
or might have been
and I dream too much
of him.
Of kisses never shared
Lives never lived
And dreams never dreamed
Where life is a musical
If you don't like the end
Dream it again
~ and know it's a dream
dreams
are nothing more then
dreams
I AM REAL
Then the circle returns
Love
Hurt
John
Here I am
Watching a waking
Dream
And a true friend
Pass from my life
Knowing I'll never
be the same
because of him
holding on to the past
but jumping feet first
into my future
hoping that somewhere
closer to now
someone is waiting
to catch me
and save me
from this crazy thing
called love.




Can you feel
The beating of my heart
As it quickens when you are near
Just the thought of you
Sends chills through my bones
And your voice every time that I hear it...
The lingering dreams
Of kisses never shared
And fading memories
Of the touch of your hand
Oh sweet loss of love never known
As you go your way
And I go mine
As laughter fades
When the joke grows old...
So too is my heart
When you say goodbye
Goodbye joy
Goodbye beating heart...
Two years to rest
But you will return again...




As life passes like random hearts in the streets...
did I see you or are you yet to come?
When fear coincides with life and makes it complete
and whispers of the wind are like long forgotten friends
When life was easy and dreams were real
Lost in a world of spinning thoughts and incoherent words
I'm beginning to find myself...
My path...
As the world gains something in the autumn
the death of summer becomes beauty
And a new world starts again...
So shall I go back to the beginning
I'm trying.... To find those dreams, my dreams, again...




Are those Birds?
it all started when the walls started speaking - no one would ever understand what it was like to live in that room. they all thought it was me that was crazy, but it was the walls that drove me to it. at the beginning i thought it was just me and my loneliness that made me hear voices in the night, but as time went on i kept hearing them. no one else could hear the voices… even when we were together in my room. I’d hear them calling my name but it all must have been in my head. that room became terrifying to me. the birds on the paper started to move as i watched them and each flutter of their wings called my name… “Martha,” they’d whisper “come with us Martha.” at times, one would leave the wall and fly around my head repeating my name in the tune of an old nursery rhyme… that’s when i started talking back… “come fly Martha” one would say as it flew out the window. “yes come!” said the next and the next. “no!” i wold shout back at them “leave me alone!” when mother would hear me she would come up to my room wondering what i was yelling at, but wouldn’t listen to me when i told her about the birds. it went on for months, as one by one the birds would fly out the window “come with us…” they’d say and I’d walk closer to the window with each one – “come with us, come with us…” the walls were nearly empty as i leaned on the ledge of the window… somehow i knew that if i just took that one step out the window i could fly… as the last bird left, so did I and as i fell i spread my arms and flew… but when i looked back at the ground i saw my body flat on the driveway in a pool of blood.



I've learned That...
Thinking sad will make you sad.
Friends don't always have to be liked...
but everyone needs friends.
Just because someone tells you they will do something...
doesn't mean they'll make it that far.
Never love somebody for who you think they are...
Learn about them first.
Fortune Cookie Says: save your boat,
and travel on dry ground.




AND NOW A LITTLE INSPIRATION FOR US ALL >
SEE I'M NOT A TOTAL PSYCHO!



Always Remember

The pain of life comes crashing in
Like waves upon the sand.
When no one’s there to give some help
or offer a loving hand.
When all your happiness doesn’t last
And you’re left alone to cry.
Nothing can change the way you feel
even when you try.
When your mind starts doubting
the truth that you once knew.
When it seems that even the love of the Savior
can’t let the light shine through.
Lost in the darkness
of cold unfeeling light.
When strange new world confront you
With talk of endless night.
When all that is around you
will tempt your every move.
But even death can’t help you
for he’s a tempter too.
When you’re left alone to wander
this world of pain and death.
When all your faith is dying
And being laid away to rest.
Please remember there is someone
who really does care.
When doubts of this come to mind
don’t turn away in fear.
When you’re feeling so down hearted
and nothing seems clear.
The comfort you’ll find is on your knees
with head bowed down in prayer.
Know that God is watching you
and that He’s always there.
Try to feel the love again,
try to understand,
Knowing He is with you
the nail prints in His hands.
He died for you
to show his love.
So you can live again.
Once you know it all is true,
His love will come and stay.
His arm will hold you,
His light you’ll feel,
Until the end of time.
Always remember,
and you will see,
His love was meant to be




ONE TRUE FRIEND

I see his eyes smiling at me
from a picture on the wall
Seeming to know me…
To know it all
The mistakes I have made
sometimes make him frown
But I know his arms will comfort me
When it seems no one else is around.
My cares seem less pressing
My life seems less hard.
His voice I’ve never heard
But I already know the sound
Lovingly guiding me
And showing me the way.
My Savior,
My Hero,
My Friend.




"sharing a few thoughts"
somehow leads to bearing your soul.
words don't always describe how one feels or how one thinks.
to know the truth of all things,
and trying to give that to others.
Who am I? why do I choose to serve
when I'm just a beginner myself?
how do I teach others
when I hardly have a grasp on my own knowledge?
But the little I know is still more then they
so it is my duty, my privilege to share.
where God is with me my words matter not.
only my being there.
God will teach them through me. I am.
I am a child of God.
I am worthy of so many blessings
and I must share those with others
I am.
the Lord is on my side. I shall not falter.
I will triumph!
but not in my glory - in Thine.
~ our single gift to the world is to teach and to share the blessings we receive...
When the water gets rough, put in your oars and fight to stay afloat.
I AM.




Choices
Hollow Lives,
and hollow dreams...
Laughing
Like the sunset at dawn.
There is more to life
Then Sleeping
Wake up
Face the day!
Face the world!
Yell to the sea...
"I AM HERE!
I AM READY!"
Treat everyday
as though it's unique
and wonderful...
But above all...
LOVE yourself.
Love others...
give of yourself
That the world might know joy
Because they know you.

- Elizabeth Pears 1999



Work Song

Sometimes
the words echo
like hollow laughter
through my soul
I'm forced again
to call on you
for sanity
for love
in this empty
lost world
in which I live
wanting to fly
with my wax wings
holding on
to all I was
then letting go
to become free




My two Cents

What ever you are doing at this very moment STOP and say a quick prayer. No particular reason for it... I just thought that perhaps Heavenly Father might like hearing from you. I've had a rough few weeks and I've found the only way through them is prayer and the support of those around you... There is so much in our lives to be thankful for but hardly any of us realize we have it... To live in this beautiful world and this wonderful country at this point in time is one of the greatest blessings any of us could ever have. Yes life does seem hard... and the world seems to be falling apart... but look at all of the wonderful things we are learning from the mistakes of others... I am personally so excited to be here at the ushering in of the next century... aside from all the worries about all this Y2K nonsense... what a treat it will be to tell my children and grand children about someday... how I was a happy fun loving 20 year old when the world stopped short as everyone held their breath for a disaster that would never happen... Who knows I could be wrong and something could go terribly wrong at 12:01 ... that, I think is the real point. No One Knows. So why worry about something that we have no control over anyway. Instead I suggest you go outside and sit under that tree you have always liked to climb or have always wanted to climb... in that case climb it... in your suit if needs be just do it... Take a nap in the grass or watch the clouds... RELAX... have a picnic with your family or friends... and be glad you have them. There is so much in this world that we don't seem to see any more that we have grown up... but those are the pleasures in life... not sitting behind a desk 24/7 ... we just seem to forget sometimes. Happiness is built on memories... and of those most should be happy. Have you told your family you love them? Have you told it to your friends? I can guarantee you that someone needs to hear it. I know I do. Be happy. Live life... don't let it go to waste... it's given to you for a reason, use it. Don't forget though. Please.
lp 1999



Somehow I knew it was you....
There are castles and there are dreams all built on air, and wishes that don't come true just don't seem fair. Life has its troubles, and our path has its falls. But Faith in the Lord can see through it all. Hold on to your castles, and hold on to your dreams. One day they may be more real then what now they may seem.




This poem was written for my by a cousin of my friend. It is the first poem I have ever received that was written about me and for me… so to Calvin wherever you are… Thank you.


What I love.... I can't see

Her eyes must be lovely, as bright as a star. Her laughter contagious to those near or far. I'm sure she must walk with purpose and flare, and I bet she talks with her hands even when nobody's there. Her spirit is perfect, and her heart made of gold. She has one or two flaws, or so I've been told. In my dreams, it is strange even to me. In my dreams though I try, what I love I can't see.

Calvin Gale



LITTLETON'S TEARS

I, like many others
I was not there
I do not know true loss
But I feel their pain
and my tears for them are real

These are our kids.
These are our friends.
These are our future.

I'm glued to the television
As the drama unfolds
Children crying
For lost friends
Lost teachers
Lost innocence
Lost youth

These are our kids.
These are our friends.
These are our future.

It's obvious we need help
Pray for the survivors
And for the dead
Don't let this be forgotten

These are our kids.
These are our friends.
These are our future.

Teach the children
Violence is not the answer.

Dedicated to the Students of Columbine High School, Littleton, Colorado
April 20, 1999
e.pears

The Massacre at Columbine High School, Littleton, Colorado. Two gunmen walked into school and started gunning down students. Twelve students were killed as well as one teacher and then the two gunmen took their own lives. It was an incident that shocked not only the town of Littleton, but people all over America and perhaps the world. It was one of the deadliest school shootings that has ever happened and it has scared a whole generation of students everywhere. I was saddened by what happened and was inspired to write this poem and sent it out on the Internet to get the message out. I watch the news and I cry because these just aren't some kids these are our kids, our friends... I thought it was scary when a boy at my own high school brought a gun to threaten a teacher, but that, as frightening and terrible as it was, is nothing compared to this. So for the people of Littleton and those who may someday in the future read my works this is for the dead as well as the living.





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Last updated February 3, 2000

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