It goes up and down in recovery
January 2003
Lately I've been struggeling to find my place in this world, to find my place in this body, and my place in this brain. Life has been so cruel to me lately, and I came to the point when getting up in the morning left me with the question "What's the point in meeting this world? Why not just stay in bed all day".
I never allowed myself to do that. Every day I dragged myself up from that bed. I was not going to allow myself to give up this life I'm now creating. I would not allow myself to isolate and bury myself with heavy thoughts..
It was grief that was weighing heavily on my shoulders... Grief over lost familymembers, but also over the loss of what used to be my identity...
I woke up one day and realized that even though I had been in recovery for two years, I was not feeling fine, not at all... I was hurting, hurting badly... And I did what I could to get myself up from that place. I showered myself with the love I could, I tried to keep myself occupied, and eventually I got up from that hole.. And I learned that life is like that sometimes, even the recovered life goes up and down.. You still have sad days where you're hurting..
So last week I called a doctor I've heard about in the city where I now live.. I miss my old doctor, but I can't keep a doctor in another city than the city I live in. Anyway, I called and made an appointment. And I saw her today. She was really nice and understanding, and really supporting too. And there was no problem in meeting my request. I asked if I could come and see her once a month, just to have someone that can help me stay in recovery. Someone that can help me get back on my feet if I should start to stumble..
At one point I was afraid that hurting so badly would make me fall back, but today when I went to the appointment I realized that as long as I do such things as making appointments with the doctor, I'm in no danger. It's when I want to cancel those appointment, because i want to have my life to myself, and I want to live a hidden life. Then I should be worried...
So after all, I think I'm doing an okey job by taking care of me.. I guees I've proven to myself that it's possible to stay in recovery even during bad times... And there is nothing wrong in asking for a little help..
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Email: lillebie@europe.com
