You are a piece of the big puzzle!

Well, I have talked about this before. That together we are like one big puzzle, and everyone is needed and makes the picture complete. Without YOU, the puzzle won't be whole. Without you there will be an empty place, Something will be missing. So your precence is needed. You are needed in this world. You DO make a difference..


But.. Now I am wondering... This is of course just a picture, but if it was so that you were a piece of a puzzle, what picture would you like the puzzle to have and what part of it would you like to be..??

I would like the picture to be the ocean. I just love the ocean. And in the ocean there would be small, colourful fishy swimming around. And over the ocean there the shining sun would be sending sunshine down to the fishy. And if I were a puzzepiece of this picture I would be the sun.

Or maybe I just want the picture to be the heaven, filled with the moon and stars. Then I would love to one of the shining stars..

Anyway.. I'm very curious to hear about your "puzzle"...

I love you so much
© Shinyflower

Why do you say “I am okey”, when you are not okey?

Sweet fishies,

"How are you doing?"

Have you thought about how easy it is to answer "I'm okey", even though you are not. Inside your heart may be crying, you feel hurt, betrayed, forgotten etc... So why then do we say that we are okey when we are not??

Is it because we won't show that we have negative feelings? Do we think that the other perosn don't want to listen? Are we afraid of how others will react?

Why do we say we are okey when we are not? I don't know, so I thought that maybe some of you had some ideas..

I believe that it takes courage to tell people how we really feel. We have to take a little chance by doing it. But I think when we do, we grow and we may get some help too. If we feel bad and say so, we might get a hug that can help us feel better..

© Shinyflower

Well, I am learning to love myself, thanks?

Some of you asked me how I am ...

Little by little I learn to know myself and my feelings. Right now life is not the greatest, but still I can see very many positive things in my life..

After I ruined everything, after over eighty days of no purging, I have never managed to get myself up on my feet again fighting.. I have fallen back to old behaviours. First I was very angry at myself because of what happened, but now I realize that in a way it wasn't my fault.. Because I have learned that I don't have control over the ed, it has control over me.. And even though I managed to get through eighty days that dosn't mean that I am "cured". I am not a failure even though I relapsed... I am not angry at myself anymore, just sad because the danger I put myself through, living with an eating disorder.

But... Many things have changed the last couple of months.. The biggest change is that I finally am honest with my doctor. I tell him excactly how things are, and that is a great step.. And I have also learned to say more "no" to things I don't want to do, or don't have energy to do.. It is hard to say no for me, because I want to please everybody.. But I know that if I want freedom from the ed. If I want to LIVE, then I have to listen to myself, then I have to live for myself, not for all the others.. It is okey not to be perfect..

It is weird to be where I am today. One year agao, I thought that I could never be able to love myself, not even a little. But weird is, that I have also learned to love myself, I love who I am, my personality, my talents.. But I can't love my weight, so that's something I have to work on. But I have hope, that one day I can be happy with my body the way it is..

I believe that the weight isn't the real problem, there is other things in my life that cause this pain, and if I just could work that out, then I think that my relationship to my body would be better to. Because I think I use my body to communicate with my family, to tell them that things are not okey. That I just can't handle the changes in my family over the past few years.

You are probably tired of reading my rambling.. But to answer the question short I am learning to take care and love myself And I know that it is something I have to learn on my own.. No one can do the job for me.. So as long as I am not active in learning this, nothing will change.

Please never give up hope. You can be free. You can live life to the fullest. You can feel good and happy again! You can love yourself. I believe in you

Keep fighting
© Shinyflower

Thinking about food all the time?

Do you find yourself thinking about food all the time?

I do.. so many times I have written lists about all the food I want to eat when I recover.. Pretty stupid, huh Kind of interesting finding one of these lists later, and see what I wanted the most that time.. Some times it is not sweets or anything like that I want.. Sometimes I dream of the meat my mother prepares, or fish or something healthy.. And I find myself realizing that I even don't allow myself to eat healthy food, because I don't allow myself to eat food that I want.. I don't know if I indirectly don't want to allow myself the food because I don't deserve it. I am not sure..

But time passes by, and you learn..

I have learned that I am so worth it. I am worth eating and I have the right to eat.. Eating is not something you have to deserve. It is human right.. It is an essensial part of life, so somewhere along the road something went wrong.. Something naturally has become so strange to me.. But after five years with the ed, I have got bored. I want to change. I want to be good to myself. I want to be my own best friend... So I tried, I really did, and I made some progress.. But I think I knew the relapse would come sooner or later, because you don't go from eating disordered to recoverd over the night.. But now I see that I can't blame myself.. Even though I relapsed I did make that progress.. I have the right to be proud of myself.. It won't solve a thing feeling guilty and be angry at myself... It won't makes things undone anyway..

I have realized that it will take time to learn to eat again.. It will take time to be comfortable with eating...But that's okey.. The world wasn't created in one day. It takes time...

Well back to where I started.. Thinking about food.. It is like telling a person "Don't think about all the money you will earn if you do this or that... " And the only thing that person will focus on is the money... Food is so essensiell in life. The psycologist Mashlow talks about different needs that has to be filled before you can move on to another need.. And that is so true.. When you don't get all the food you need, you are not able to focus on love, self-improvemnet and fun.. Everything will be about food.. Everywhere you go you food will be a part of it. You will see people eating on the street and you will be totally obsessed with it. You can see a commercial about food and you can't think about anything else the rest of the day.. As long as you don't get the food you need, food will be such a big part of your life..

I think we all would be surprised to see how much time we use on the ed. How much time to food, that we don't even eat, takes from us...

Think how wonderful it would be to get up in the morning and breakfast was a natural part of your life..

Think how wonderful it would be to go out with friends and not worry about the situations there could be if there were food there

Think about how wonderful it would be if you didn't have to be sure there was a bathroom were you could locked there door, if you were invited to a sosial gathering

Think about how wonderful it would be to eat when you were hungry (forgotten the feeling maybe?) and stopped when you were full. And not think more about it before you got hungry again

Think about how much you could have done, if you didn't spend much of your time in the bathroom

Think about how much love you would have room for in your life, if all the thouhts about food, guilt andweight were gone

It is possible.. That's what is called L I F E But having an ed is not life.. The ed steals your life away, steals away all the beauty around you.. Living with an ed is just an existence...

But honey.. You can LIVE.. You can live life to the fullest.
It is possible for you to feel good about yourself, and you can shine and shimmer..
There is always hope, so never give up.
You have the strenght you need inside your heart..
You CAN recover!
You CAN live!

© Shinyflower

It’s officially, you have the right to..!

It is a bad cycle.. When you start to discover more about yourself, you may find out that all you want is to be loved.. You realize that when you have an eating disorder, people worry about you. And even though it can makes you frustrated when the watches you, you feel that at least they notice you. They see you, and in a way this gives you a good feeling.. And you maybe feel a little bit loved..

And when you feel loved when people worry about you because of the ed, you find comfort in the ed.. The ed helps you get a little bit of what you want..Then you continue the ed behaviours because they help you feeling a little bit better, at least you think so.. And before you know it you and the ed become such close friends that you feel like one. You start to feel that the ed is your identity.. And without your identity, what are you then??


Think about it..

What if you learned to love yourself.. If you really started telling yourself nice things, and over and over again told yourself that you are worth it! (because YOU ARE).. This would make such a difference in your life..

When you love yourself, you don't need all the others around you to love you. You don't need the ed as a tool for reaching something of what you want.. You will get all the love you need from yourself, and the love that naturally will come from the ones around you will be a bonus, not something you are totally dependent on to survive.....

Start to love yourself today.. Not wait to the day you weigh xx pounds less. Because that won't be a better time for you to start loving yourself. You will always find a new excuse to wait.. You have to start TODAY, start now.. Do something new.. Be good to yourself.. Because YOU ARE worth it.. Tell yourself over and over again that you are worth it, and one day you will know it too..

Don't weigh your self-esteem on a weight..
Learn to be proud of you..
Because you are so very spesial, so unique..
There is no one like you, so show the world who you are with pride..
You have exactly the same right as everybody else to feel good, to eat, to enjoy, to laugh, to LIVE!
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HUMAN
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL!
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO YOURSELF

Start a new revolution today; love yourself, and take my love for you as a bonus on the great gift you can give to yourself. Be your own best friend!!
© Shinyflower

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood!

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

I know a lot of you is sad because you had a traumatic and sad childhood.. Don't look back and cry because of what happened.. What happend has made you who you are today, and today you are beautiful.. Look forward, that's the way you are going now.. Allow yourself to be the child you never got the chance to be..

Play all you want.. Eat ice-cream in the middle of the night if that what's you want. Or maybe you want to eat the dessert BEFORE dinner.. Watch children-tv.. Do things you wanted to when you were little, but the circumstances stopped you from doing it..
© Shinyflower

A mountain in the way?

Sometimes life hits us in the face. It is so hard to go on.. The mountain seems so big, and we can’t believe that we have the strenght to climb it.. And we hate it.. We hate all these mountains that get’s in our way...

But think about it.. Rollar-coasters are fun Don’t you agree? But to experience the wonderful feeling when the “train” takes you down from the top, you have to drive up a little “mountain”, a hill first.. And the few seconds you stand on the top looking down, you are both scared and excited..

I believe life is like that.. You need the mountains to overcome, to feel excitment, movement in life.. How boring it would be if life was the same every day.. With no problems to overcome..

If you think as your life as a tv show, think about how boring it would be if there were no conflicts, everything was just harmony...

You have to overcome something, to experience real growth.. Don’t be afraid of the mountains that gets in the way.. Just start climbing it, step by step.. And remember that the mountain won’t get any smaller by waiting.. Start today... And before you know it you will stand on the top looking at all you have overcomed and look out over the wonderful things ahead...
© Shinyflower

Let’s stop the hate!

It's amazing how everything that happens can learn us something, if we just keeps our eyes and ears open...

I havn't felt so good the last month, and I told my doc that when I saw him last week.. He run some tests and found out that I have pneumonia. I got some antibiotics and was told to go home and rest...

Well, I thought it wouldn't hurt to stay in bed for one day, but then go back to school... And I did.. I took a day of and stayed in bed and then I realized how bad my health really is.. I didn't realize how little energy and how bad my health was before I stopped up and got some rest..

I didn't go back to school the day after, because my caughing and my general health became worse over night..So I had to listen to my body and stay in bed for another day....And five days has passed and I am still at home. I don't have much energy.. Just to walk up the stairs makes me heavy-breathed and tired...

It makes me frustrated, because I don't want to miss all the important stuff at school, but I do realize that there is something for me to learn in all this...

Being sick gives us all a wonderful chance to take care of ourselves, be nice to ourselves and give the body what it needs.. When you become sick it is a sign that something isn't working the way it should.. And it is one of the strongest way our body can "tell" us what it needs, or actually it is our bodies way of screaming... Being sick makes you think and maybe it gives you a new chance to take better care of the body in the future...

Because being sick really makes you learn how important the body really is.. Without it you can't do ANYTHING.. And your life can't go on like normal when it dosn't work like it should..

Every part of the body is important. You need every part of it, even the parts you hate the most... I always wish that I didn't have butt, but I now see that without it I would have really big problems when I wanted to sit down.... So right now I feel a great gratitude to my body.. I really want to treat it better..

And the fun part is that when you are sick, all of a sudden food and weight dosn't matter so much anymore.. Right now for me the goal is to become better, to get some more energy and come back to school.. So I try to eat something, but the medications I am on right now makes me stomach-sick and it won't keep the food I eat.. And earlier I would be pleased when this happens, but now it makes me frustrated and sad.. I want to be good to my body...

Because I have learned that I only have one body. And if this body dosn't work properly, I can't by me a new one. I am going to live with this body as long as I live.. So why not become friends with it now.. Why waste my life away on trying to make it look different... I have the right to look the way I do.. And I have the right to like it the way it is too. I don't have to have an excuse to love myself.. I have the right to love myself today, the way I am now... Big, small, tall, low, it dosn't matter. I am me, and I am okay. There is only one of me.. And there will never be one like me ever.. So why try to change myself to look more like others.....

Dear friends, listen to your bodies.. Your body knows what it needs, so listen to it.. And treat it nice.. You have the right to be good to yourself.. Lets make peace with our bodies.. Lets stop the hate in the world, and let's stars with ourselves....
© Shinyflower

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