Do you choose awful or wonderful

How wonderful it must be to wake up in the morning and be able to strench your arms and say "Thank you world for this wonderful day. For the opportunity to be alive."

How awful it is to wake up in the morning worrying about how the day will be. How many times you will be facing your fear about food and weight...

How awful it is to realize that you are just excisting. Your existing isn't something worth to classify as life. And how awful it is to feel lost in your body. When there is no connection between brain, soul and body. When the one you see in the mirror is a stranger because it is not who you feel you are

How wonderful it must be to feel alive. To really feel the streams of life run through your body. And to really feel that your body is a temple where you spirit lives..

How awful it is, this hunger. This longing for a spesific food, that you just can't allow yourself to eat. Or if you do, you cannot keep it. How awful it is to be afraid of calories, weight, food, clothes-sizes and life itself..

How wonderful it must be to eat an ice cream on a sunny day, and maybe sit on a swing for a moment. Honouring the little child within. How wonderful it must be to be thankful for being alive, and for enjoying it.

How awful it is to neglect feelings. When you feel sad but can't show it, because some feelings are just "bad". You are not supposed to show bad feelings. You are a good person. That person that strives so hard to make everybody like you...

How wonderful it must be to cry, to let the tear stream down your face without shame. How wondeful you must feel afterward. How wonderful it must be to be angry, and show it (but still not hurt anybody).. How wonderful it must be when you can stand up for yourself and face those that hurt your feeling. How wonderful it must be to be true to yourself and your feelings. And how wonderful it must be when you are able to admit to yourself that you don't like everybody, and you don't need everybody to like you either.

How awful it is to feel weak and without power. How awful it is to know that you are the one that cause this. You are the one that refuse to give your body the energy it needs to be alive...
How awful it is to lay awake all night, not being able to sleep. Just laying there knowing that there soon will be a new day that you have to face... And even though you get a few hours of sleep, you will be deadly exhausted. You will never be able to get enough sleep.
And how awful it is to never be able to relax. Even though you try to do nothing, your brain works overtime. There is no chance in the word to just be one hundred prosent relaxed.

How wonderful it must be to feel alive. To have energy enough to feel the sunshine. Have enough energy to laugh for real and that kind of laughter that comes from the bottom of your childish heart and that last for such a long time. Enough energy to love and to recieve love. Enough energy to enjoy and to really cheerish life~~

And how great it must be to wake up after a long night with beauty-sleep, feeling totally renewed, with new power and new hope. And how wonderful it must be to just sit in a chair, doing nothing, without worrying. Just sitting there, enjoying being alive....

How awful it is to hear the word "hungry", and you realize that you don't know the meaning of the word anymore. And how scary it is thinking about starting to eat, because you are afraid that you will never be able to stop...

How wonderful it must be to trust you body. And to be able to listen to the signals your body sends you. How wonderful it must be to feel hungry and to be able to eat. And how wonderful it must be to know that your body will tell you when it has been given what it needed, and you will stop right there.. How wonderful it must be eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full, without getting the thoughts that since you have already ruined everything you can ruin it a little bit more by eating more than you need. Or the feeling that you have to "overeat" (in the meaning that you eat more than you need, not neccesaryly more than normal) because you are afraid that you will not get more food, or you will not allow yourself more food, so you have to eat while you do it, because it will be long until the next time until you get the opportunity..

How wonderful it must be to be hungry and to be full. and how wonderful it must be when those feelings dosn't hurt, because you can do something with it.

How awful it is to hate yourself. When you are your worst enemy. When you see yourself in the mirror and you really can't take what you see. How awful it is wanting to change the one you are and the way you look. How awful it is to long so bad for love, but still you refuse to accept the love you get. How awful it is to feel unworthy...

How wonderful it must be to be your own best friend. To really love yourself, to worship the divine beauty inside of you. How wonderful it must be to really know yourself. How wonderful it must be when you accept the real you, not comparing yourself with some stupid "ideal". How wonderful it must be when you treat yourself the way you treat a best friend. How wonderful it must be to be the parent of the little child inside of you, and really being able to give it all it need, because you know this child better than anyone else. You are able to hear this child's silent voice. How wonderful it must be to be in harmony. To feel connection between brain, heart and soul..

How awful it is to realize that all these "how awful's" is the life you have when you live with an eating disorder.

How wonderful it is to realize that all these "how wonderful's" could be your life in the future, the life without an ed... How wonderful it is to have this hope and this dream, that things can be changed from awful to wonderful, if you just believe and fight...

Four weeks on the recoveryroad

The first two weeks was worst.. The urge to purge grew over my head and I couldn't think clear. All I wanted to do was running into the bathroom and do it.. I wanted that "empty-feeling" back... But I couldn't just give up. I couldn't do it to myself.. And I couldn't take the risk of having another seizure.. I just had to fight. And with your help, support and positive vibes I made it through the first couple of weeks and thinks become a little bit better...

When you lay in bed at night and realize that you have made it through another day it is like getting a new portion of hope and strenght... When I started counting on my fingers and realized how many days I have made it through, I got more and more motivated. I just couldn't give up there and start all over again..

And now after four whole weeks of no purging, I don't want to go back there.. I don't want to purge again. It makes me feel bad just to think about it. I don't want to waste away more time over the toilet. I don't want to waste away more of my life..

It has been the four hardest week of my life and I wouldn't wish my worst enemy (not that I have many of them) this fight.. I don't know how many nights I have spend crying because I felt so tired and wanted to give up.. I don't know how many days I have spent laying curled up on the floor because of the biggest stomach-pains I have ever felt...

I have been angry at my body for not digesting the food, for not keeping it when I had finally managed to eat something. I have been angry at myself for not turning around before. I have been angry at myself for developing an ed in the first place... But I have also realized that it is okey to be angry.. I have the right to be angry.. Being angry once in a while dosn't make me a bad person...

And even though I feel happy because I have reached day four there is a lot of anger inside of me today and a great sadness..

Got a letter from the local goverment today which officially told me that I have to wait at least one year before I can get my driving-license, because of this seizure (probably caused by the ed) which I had... I though that I was finally going to be able to drive in august this year, at the same time as my friends gets their license, but no...Not me, not this year... So now I have to watch my friends and my classmates being able to drive and I have to wait.. All because of the ed... I realize more and more how much an ed "costs".. And still I call my ed a friend...? "hmm"

So today is both a happy and a sad day filled with both anger, tears and a little bit of happiness... But I have learned that all feelings are good, there is not a thing as bad feelings.. There is a reason for all the feelings I am feeling, and it is up to be how I will handle them.. And I have also learned that the best way for me to make uncomfortable feelings to go away, is to face them and find a way to overcome them, and I KNOW I can face them and cope without turning to the ed.. There is other ways to survive them... And I know that a feeling CAN'T kill me.. It maybe hurts when I face it, but it will go away and there will be a new tomorrow with new chances.. The sun will come up again after the rain and maybe it brings with it a rainbow

Also this will pass

Yesterday was awful. I never thought I would be able to get through the day. I was afraid all my seventy-nine days would be history, but in a miraculous way, thanks to your support Thank you to all of you that replied to my post and offered me wonderful hugs.. They helped me get through the day and into day eighty

I feel much better today.. I found a smile on my own face today too.. I couldn't sleep tonight and started thinking about why my weight matter so much to me.. I couldnt' find the answer but got things a little bit more in perspective..

I imagined myself sitting on a tiny sky looking down on earth, seeing all the people down there. They all looked all so small. so tiny.. In this perspective weight dosn't matter.. All were small from my sky. So next time I feel huge, I will ask myself "compared to what??"

And I also got reminded of that I am not responsible for my father's life, but I am responsible for mine. I decide how I will feel.. And I can choose miserable if I want, or I can start walking on the "happy-road". All up to me... It is all about choices..

Before I thought that my ed really made me feel better.. Made me happier. But now after eighty days into recovery, I know that it is all a big lie.. Yesterday I didn't eat much, because I was in such a bad mood, but it didn't help me at all not to eat.. What did help me was searching for my needs and ask for help, ask for hugs...

Also learned another lesson yesterday.. Recovery dosn't mean only happy and bright days.. It means hard days with lots of rain and pain.. But recovery is learing how to handle those days without falling back into the ed's arms.. How to keep faith and hope in tomorrow.. And learn to brave enough to believe you are worth help. It is about reaching out for your needs.. And believe you are worth only the best...

Are you willing to pay the price

I woke up this morning, feeling kind of sad. It was one of those days when everything is wrong. I wanted so bad to change me, to be another person, at least not be me. It just was one of those days when I can't find a single positive thing about myself, and fighting the ed a seems so meaningless...

But I am not a quitter.. I decided to sit down for a little while and just think and sort out the feelings I had.. And all by a sudden my brain started playing a game with me.

What if I was blind... Okey, I wouldn't be able to see me in the mirror, and that might be a good thing, or not... But I wouldn't be able to see the world around me. I coldn't have posted here on the bb or read your beautiful posts. I couldn't see the shining sun, or a magic rainbow. I wouldn't be able to see the smiles of my friend's faces. Shopping wouldn't be so fun, when I couldn't go looking at all the weird and all the nice clothes in the shops. I wouldn't be able to see the most fantastic sunset's and rices, and in the night I couldn't look up at the stars. And then I realized how lucky I am. I am not blind. I have two green deep eyes that can see everything that happens around me.

What then if I was deaf....? I couldn't hear the sound of a bird singing early in the morning. I wouldn't be able to listen to the sound of the ocean. When people told me that they love me, I wouldn't be able to actually hear their worlds. I wouldn't be able to hear the melody when I play the piano. When I wanted to relax and just do nothing, I couldn't put on my favorite-cd and listen to it. Sarah McLachlan's voice wouldn't have been known to me. And if I was deaf I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the sound of perfect silence... And once more I realized how blessed I am, 'cause I am not deaf. I have two well-working ears, and with them I can listen to music and other beautiful sounds.

And for a moment I pretended what it would be like if I didn't have arms... Then I wouldn't have been able to dry myself after taking a shower. I would have been able to eat by myself, even though I wanted to.. (dosn't sound realistic to me now then, but in the future ) I couldn't have posted here on the bb. I couldn't have touched my sister's soft hair. I couldn't wave. I wouldn't be able to reach for my friend's hand. I couldn't brush my teeth, or do something with my hair. I couldn't pluck flowers, I couldn't write letters or draw a picture. I couldn't take a photograph. I couldn't dial a phone-number. There is so many things I couldn't do... And then I come to realize that I do have arms. I can do so many things because of them. And I am so lucky

Maybe it dosn't matter how much I weigh. Maybe it dosn't matter if I am not picture-perfect. What really matters is that except of the ed, I am healthy. I was born with eyes, ears and a body that works the way it should.


I can actually wake up in the morning and get out of bed, go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I can put my clothes on by myself and I can eat by myself. I can look at the beautiful world and be happy because I am a part of it. I can put on a cd and enjoy the music. I can smile to my sister and see she smiling back. I can give my friend a hug and feel that hug back. I can come to the bb and read the posts and be able to reply. I can walk, talk, sing, feel, hear, touch....

I am person. I am alive. I am whole. I was made perfect when I was born, there was nothing wrong with me.. So why do I try to change it all the time??

And after the seizure I had, I have been so aware of the danger the ed can cause. How knows.. Maybe the ed can make damage to my deep green eyes, or my good-working ears, or my fingers or some other part of my body...

I am not willing to take that chance. I am not willing to pay that price to the ed. It is NOT worth it...

So here I am, really thankful for what I am and what I have. What started as a bad day turned out to be a really good one.. So friends, don't trust the first impression. There might be great surprices along the road...

Let us make this to a gratitude-day. Be thankful for what you do have. Let us celebrate our bodies. Let us look at something beautiful today, and listen to something magic. Let us feel, talk, run, play.. Let us use this great tools we were given. Our bodies are perfect instruments, and we choose the melody. A happy soul makes a happy melody. A sad soul makes a sad melody. And I believe we have influence on the people around us. Let us give them a good melody.. Let us make the world a better place to live...

And friends, take a moment now and think about it.

Are you willing to pay the price the ed might cost.

Are you willing to "give away" some parts of your body??

Are you.......

Smiles

The day started as usual. I woke up and I got ready to face a new day. On my way to the bathroom I met my little sister and I felt so happy because I was alive and able to get up of bed and do whatever I wanted to do (note: it was one of the good days ) so I smiled to her, and she smiled back, one of her cute innocent smiles.. It was really a good medicine for my soul...

Later that day I was in the city and I met one the drivers that drive the bus I take to school, and he recognized me and smiled. It was so spesial to know that I am not invisible. And to get a smile from a "stranger"

I decided to give this smile away to another stranger... A woman, that seemed stressed and angry passed by me, and I thought that she could need a smile, so I found on in my and passed it on... And suddenly she seemed like a burden was lifted of her shoulders, and she smiled back at me....

Smiles... They are something unique.. Something spesial..

The day was almost over and I was on my way to bed, and I had to go to the bathroom first.. When I met myself in the mirror it seemed like I could need a smile, so I decided to do something very unusal.. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror.. And I am glad I did.. I looked so much more healthy when I smiled. It was like a total different me... I looked so much better... It was like my inner beauty was shown... I may not be very beautiful at the outside, but I believe everybody has hidden beauty on the inside, and now I want that beauty to show.. I will learn how to show my inner self, my inner beauty...

So from now on I will smile at myself every morning and every night, no matter how bad I feel, no matter how much I hate myself...