It takes so much strenght and so much fighting to build up, and just a small action to ruin everything

I am responsible for all my actions. The bad ones, and the good ones

An ed costs so much, much more than I am willing to pay

I don’t have to prove anything to my doctor. I know with myself what I need. I know that I need help. I know that I am sick. I don’t have to prove it.. I don’t have to lose weight anymore to get what I need. I don’t have to lose weight to be seen. I can talk about what I need and I can be seen through my positive actions towards other people. My doctor is just a person that is in my life to take care of the medical part.

I cannot find truth on my scale or in the mirror. Real truth is found inside my heart.

And I will not let the scale or the mirror decide anymore if I shall be happy or not.. That is up to my inner self.. And I have a choice. I can decide to be happy over the things I do have, or I can be depressed over the things I don’t have..

I don’t have to change. I am okey the way I am.

If people can’t love me or accept me the way I am now, I don’t need them in my life.

There will always be other people out there that loves me for who I am... Not for what I can be if I change..

My feelings are important. And I am the one responsible for these feelings. I should take time to really listen to what I feel and do something with it. If I feel sad I should take time to actually find out why I am sad and see if there is anything I can do with it.

I have the right to be good to me. It is not selfish. It is just a way to live life to the fullest, to be a true me. And I know that I can’t be there for others before I learn how to be there for myself.. If I treat myself good I will be a happier person and I will be more able to cheer other people up and make them happy...

That I did not have control at all with the ed. It had full control over me.. And finally I am starting to get some of the control over my life back. I start to control my thinking and my life little by little

That it is both scary and exciting to let go a little bit of the ed... Letting go of the ed means discovering who I am.. The ed has a long time been my shelter and my hiding place. Living with an ed is like living in a cae. You don’t have space enough to use your wings.. Letting go means getting to know yourself, and when you do that you can discover both good things and parts of you that is hard to like and accept. But it is important to remember that both the good sides and the one hard to accept is you. And that makes you whole. Without one of them, it wouldn’t have been you..

That even though it can be hard to believe it is true:
I am unique. There is only one of me in the world, and there has never been anyone like me before and there will never be. There is no one in this world with the same combination of dreams, talents, good sides and bad sides.. And that makes me spesial. I am spesial and everyone around me is spesial. No one over and no one under. We are all equal, and we have all the same right to take up space in this world. We are all a part of a big puzzle. And if one of us are missing, the picture won’t be whole...

That it takes time for my body to learn how to digest food again. And while it learns how to digest food and act normal again I will have trouble with my stomach after I have eaten. This means that I will feel that my stomach becomes so big after eating, but this is normal after years with purging..

You don’t become fat over night.. And one meal won’t make you fat as long as you keep the motto “everything with moderation” in mind..

That even though you stay purging-free for one month, there is still a long road to walk back to life. There is still many hard battles to fight. (and battles to win) and so many lessons to be learned

And the last one but still very important. I have learned that the is a place where I can find strenght, love, support and new hope. It is a place where I can get help to get through the day and to fight the urges to purge, while it keeps me busy. It is a great coping strategy.

I like strawberries and they are safe to eat

I don’t get fat if I don’t purge after a normal meal (my stomach looks pregnant after eating, but people tells me that it is just because it is because it’s not used to keep the food it gets)

That my parents really care about me, they just don’t know what to do or say to help me. And that is because ed’s are hard for them to understand when they havn’t gone through it themselves

That it is okey to be scared and feel sad. The ed has been a “friend” for five years, and it is hard to say goodbye to something that has been there with you for such a long time.

It is okey to be afraid too, because I am letting go on something that feels secure. I don’t know what lies ahead of me. I don’t know what it is like to live.. (hopefulle it is better than living with an ed)

It is exhausting to fight against an ed. It makes you so tired and weak physically. I am actually more exhausted now when I give my body some energy, than when I don’t eat.. But that is probably because it takes so much of me to resist purging and to keep eating even though I know I can’t get ride of the food after...

Well. I have learned that I am worth recovery. I deserve a life. I deserve to live. I don’t have to ask for a place in the world. I got that place when I was born. I don’t have to do anything to deserve taking up space. I am worth living... I don’t have to prove my right to existence.. And YOU don’t have to either

In a way I am on my way to recovery, and in another way not... My eating isn’t any better, and my ed behaviours is still a very big part of my existence.... But I am on my way to something, and I believe it is recovery..

What I am working on right now is to learn to get to know myself. I believe that if I shall be able to leave the ed behind I have to figure out “who I am”.. I have always believed that the ed is my identity, but I know deep in my heart that there is another me hidden inside.. I just have to reach her and learn to know her. It is quite fascinating when I learn something new about me...

Earlier this summer I realized that math is not my favorite-subject. I have always taken math because I thought that was my favorite subject, but the truth is that math is my dad’s favorite-subject. I love philosophy

And how fantastic and amazing it is to be good to myself (not that I am able to be good to myself often, but it do happen once in a while.)

Little by little I realize that meaning with life is not to tortur myself, what’s the point with that? Life was meant to be enjoyed.

How wonderful it is to treat myself as my best friend... To take one evening out of a whole month to enjoy.. Maybe to pull imyself up in bed with a lot of pillows and maybe a godo book, some candles, nice music and a glass of cold water... One of 31 evenings, spent on me... And how wonderful it is when I little by little learns to accept that I actually am worth it..

There is so much I would like to say about this, but I have to go to bed.. A new day is soon waiting, and I have to work...

But before I end I would really recommand you to read “Simple Abundance” by Sarah Ban Breathnach.. It is kind of a self-help book.. I believe it is like a treasure-map... And the treasure you can find is your own authentic life. When you discover the light inside yourself...

One thing I also can recommand you is to keep a gratitude-journal where you write 5 Thankfuls every day.. Sometimes you find 5 things you are thankful about, and other times it is hard to find one.. But still, if it takes one hour, do it... Search for things you are thankful about, wheter it is a good-smelling soap, a rainbow, a call from a friend, a flower, a mail, your toes or maybe hearing you favoritesong on the radio... I believe that if we focus on the things we have instead of what is missing, I believe things will become better.

We are not victims, we are survivors!!

Today when I come home from job I found my green plant in a very bad shape. All the wonderful strong leaves that before were raised so proudly up towards my roof, were really changed. All the leaves had shrinked and were hanging down...

I really love this plant, so I thought I would give it a chance, so I found a lot of water, and gave it to my “baby”...

Two hours later when I came into my room again, it was all right. Raised prouder than ever... It was like new. All the leaves were “healthy” again...

Okey, so were is the lesson?? * lol *

This made me think of “us” and our eds.. When we don’t feed our body with what it needs, then we become like this plant.. We hang with our heads and fall to the ground, far away from the sun... Like for my plant, sun would do no good, when “it” was so thirsty. More sun would just mean more thirsty.. Sun would dry out my plant..

And we need to fullfill our needs to be able to enjoy all the good that is surrounding us. To be able to enjoy life and really be happy...

So today my plant really showed me what I do to myself when I don’t eat...

Funny how things work out sometimes, and what you can learn form the strangest situations....

Keep a gratitude-journal.. Write down 5 things every day that you are thankful for.

Keep a notebook, nicely decorated where you write the nice things people say about you.. Right now, you may not believe them, but when you walk closer towards recovery thses positive comments will help you, push you forward and warm your heart

If there is a song that always makes you smile, or cheer you up in a way or another keep it in a place you always can reach it, so when the blues comes. When you feel afraid or sad, put it on, loud.. Sing along, sing so long that you forget what you were afraid of....

Keep only nice things around you. If you have some clothes or other objects that makes you feel uncomfortable, then remove them.. Give them away or hide them.. Just be around things that makes you feel comfortable. If you have a jumper that reminds you of something that really makes your heart cry, then give it away... try to make it as nice and safe around you as possible. This will also affect how you feel about yourself...

Think of your body as an instrument. Or as a temple where your soul lives... You don’t want the temple to fade, do you? You want the walls to be strong and safe, so your soul can be safe? Well then you have to be careful with it? If you look at it symbolic, if the temple needs painting, you have to paint it, or then it won’t last long.. And if your body needs food, you can’t ignore it forever.. Then this forever will be very short...

Remember that as long as there is life, there is hope

When things go wrong, remember that also this shall pass

Write a letter to the most fantastic friend in the whole world that you can think of.. Be encouraging and uplifting. Give it to yourself and read it loud to yourself every day. It may sould silly, but hearing positive things makes positive...

Find one part of your body that you like (You may say that you hate all of you, but actually I don’t believe it.. I believe that everyone have a little part that they like, they just can’t admit it. They are too afraid to show that there is something they like about themselves, because the ed tells them that they are not worth it, that they shouldn’t feel good about themselves..) Find your spesial part of you.. It may be one of your toes, the right side of your nose, what do I know about it? And treat that part extra nice. Say something nice about it, be grateful for it.. If you start to focus on the things you like, instead of the things you hate, you will be happier...

Take one hour of each day, or week and spend it on YOU, and just you. Do something you like to do. One hour... You are absolutly worth it, believe me

Read a book, go for a walk in the sun, play with a child, listen to music, do something fun..

Make up goals.. Have some big ones, like recovery, and small ones like eating one more piece of bread this week or avoid purging once this week.. Keep small goals, and then it is easier to keep them..

I can't describe how wonderful it is to feel a little bit of life.. I believe there is still a long way for me to go, but I am on the way.. In a way you can think of recovery as going to college (okey, I know it is a weird picture, but it's the only thing I can think of)..

First you maybe go to an open day- you get to see how college can be, you get to taste a little bit of how wonderful it can be, and you start preparing yourself for college. And one day you actually go there and taste both the good and bad sides of college... This is how recovery is to me right now.. I feel that it has been a seventeen days long open day.. I have gotten to see a tiny little bit of how life can be. I start to feel a little bit alive... And day by day I start to prepare myself for life- for living. And I believe that one day food will not be a problem anymore. I will be ready for life. I will be ready to take both the good and bad days without using food and other things to cope... I will live, not exist.

Before I used to see in total black and white, now I see some of the colours too. Only for a little while, once in a while, but now I know they are there..

I don't doubt there is a better life for me out there, a life without an ed. I don't believe in the ed anymore. It is all lies. A life with an ed, is not a life. It is not something that you can enjoy. It is something you keep because the ed feels safe. You feel that the ed comforts you..

I know that it is possible to feel safe without the ed too. I believe I can feel cared for and feel comfort without the ed too.. But the most important thing is that I feel ready for taking up the battle and fight for my life. I will take control over my life again..

But of course, it is not easy... I have learned much, and I have realized many positive things, but I also have my hours when I just sit there crying and telling my mother that I can't take it any more. I am not strong enough. I just want to go to the bathroom and do it again.... But there is this little voice inside my heart that keeps me going, maybe my true inner self.. The one that I have ignored for so many years.... hmm

I know that I have to eat to "survive"... I have a summerjob that is very tough, physical. I have tried to ignore the truth for so long, but I know realize that I am not a superhuman. I need to give my body some food, so I can have some energy, that I will use when I am working

It is so hard to keep the food down after I have eaten, while it almost comes up automatically, but I do everything I can to think of something else. I have made it for sixteen whole days, working on the seventeenth, and can't give up now.. And I know that purging might be deadly dangerous to me... It can cause another seizure and when I get those seizure I stop breathing, and being without oxygen could be really dangerous, so I just have to use all the strenght I have got...

It is a weird situation when you have to learn how to eat again. I feel like a little child. To me it is strange to put something on my piece of bread, and I almost don't know how to use a knife and a fork. My eating habits are so weird, and I have to learn how to eat "normal" again...

There is so much to learn and so much to discover... It takes a lot of energy to fight against an ed, and sometimes I am deadly exhausted.. But it is worth it... Because I have a dream that one day I will be able to say that I am not a victim anymore, I am a survivour...

Hunger has been an unknown feeling for years. The ed stole it away a long time ago... But now after twentysix days of no purging I have little by little learned to know this feeling again..

Well it never appears where it should be, I get hungry after I have eaten and stuff, but still it is there.. And this makes me think..

When I first started walking the eating disordered road, feeling hungry was like winning a little price. I felt proud when I felt hunger and won over it. When I didn't listen to it.. Feeling hunger and not listening to it made me feel spesial. I thought that I wasn't like other people. They felt hunger and was so "weak" that they had to listen to it and follow it. They ate when they was hungry.. I didn't....

After a while the hunger disappeared, and also the feeling of being full. That made eating total meaningless... Why eat when you can never be satisfied? Why eat when you don't feel hunger? Why eat at all?

When I one day sat on the bus this feeling suddenly came out of the blue.. "Hmm"- I though "I am hungry"... And I realized that I hadn't eaten that day at all... And this time my reply to the thought was so much different like before.. I decided to get home as fast as possible and make me some safe food. I knew the hunger was a sign from my body. A cry for food...For gas, something that could make it works..

I realize now that a car can't drive without gas, and my body can't work without food.. And hunger is just something normal, nothing to be scared of... Feeling hungry is like the little read lamp in the car that shows us that the car is soon out of gas and need some new... When I feel hungry that is my body's way to tell me that it is running empty for energy...

And now it seems silly to me to ignore this warning... When you see the lamp in the car it is stupid to ignore it and now it feels the same way about my body.. I don't want to run empty again. I don't want to collaps...

I need food...

And I have realized that I need to learn to listen to my body.
I need to learn to listen for what it needs..
Sometimes I feel tired and I hunger for some rest
Sometimes I feel sad and I hunger for a hug or some love
Sometimes I feel happy and hunger for someone to share my joy with..
So often I hunger for something and it is my responsibility to listen to this hunger and to do something with it..

And I have learned to appreciate this hunger, even when it comes on the wrong places. It is really frustrating to be hunger after you have aten, you feel that eating is not worth it because it can't take away the hunger that comes afterwards, but I now believe it is worth it

And it has also made me think of how blessed I am... I can feel hungry and I have the ability to do something with it. I live in a country where everyone has enough food and enough of everything to live a good life... I am truly blessed...

I came to the this morning and read some posts. So many of you call yourself ugly things and that really makes me sad. Why do we keep hurting ourselves this way.. You know a little child, when he hears a thing often enough, he starts believing in it.. I think it is like that with us also. Let’s start a new revolution, let’s start trying to love ourselves.. It actually dosn’t help you or anyone else when you hate yourself. It dosn’t make any good... Why hate yourself, when you CAN love yourself??

You are not ugly, you are not worthless, you are not a failure.. Nobody is.. Everybody here is a child of the universe (or A child of God, if you believe in Him ). Everybody has a right to be here. Everybody has a right to be loved. To be cherished.. You ARE spesial, everybody is.. It’s amazing how unique you are. Nobody can think exactly the same thoughts as you. Nobody has the same combination of dreams like you have.. You are truly unique.

Now, think about it.. Why do you hate yourself? Does do you any good? Does it do any good to those around you? I don’t think so.. I believe that when you hate yourself, you make yourself miserable, and seeing you miserable may hurt those around you, those who LOVES you. They want you to feel good, and you can’t feel good when you say ugly words to that little child in the mirror..

By loving yourself you will feel better any you will be able to love others in a new way too, by reflecting the love you have inside. You will get a new light in your life. You will start to shine and radiate.. You will really shimmer

Change dosn’t happen over night. It takes time to learn to love yourself, but it is possible little by little.. Start today.. I have written something that I read to myself every day.. It have helped me to keep faith and hope in that I can feel good again. I hope you will read it once, maybe twice. Or maybe you will print out the message and read it to yourself every morning aloud, and then look at the mirror and try to say “I love you”..

I am worthy of love and respect. I am something unique, something really spesial.

I have the same right as anyone else to take up space in this world, and I can be happy while living in this world. I can love life. I can love myself.. I am unique and beautiful in my own way. I am beautiful outside and inside, because no one else is like me. If I died, there wouldn’t be anyone that could take my place, because no one is like me. There has never been anyone like me, there isn’t anyone like me and there will never be anyone like me. That makes me so spesial.. I am me and I am unique...

Today I will start loving myself. I will start believing people when they tell me something nice about me. I will belive I am worth it. I will listen to my needs and I will try to tell people about my needs. I will start beliving that I have the right to need. I am spesial and I am loved. There are people around me that loves me and I have a whole of spesial ies that loves me because I am me. I don’t have to change, because I am okey the way I am now. I can be loved now.. I can learn to love me then way I am today.. This is the first day of the rest of my life. And I believe the rest of my life can be good and filled with love... Today I will love myself

I was at a concert with my choir yesterday and when we were finished a little girl came to me, maybe four years old or so.. And she had a lesson to learn me..

~ "You know what?" she said.

~ "No, tell me honey.." I responded

~ I can sing!! she said with a big smile on her face and then she danced away from me singing a children song.

She didn't know the melody totally, but it was the most beautiful singing I have ever heard. The song she was singing came from her heart, and she believed in herself.

I CAN, she said... I can do it.. A strong children voice. A confident voice..

The little girl learned me something we all should remember. It is time for us to change "I can't" and say " I CAN" instead..

I can do it.
I can sing.
I can love.
I can dance.
I can be nice.
I can do something good.
I can recover.
I can kick the ed out of my life.
I can be happy
I can feel good again.
I can love myself.
I can like myself.

We must learn to believe in ourselves. Even though others don't believe in us sometimes, we can believe in ourselves..

And like this episode of mine yesterday. It wasn't clear and correct way of singing, but this beautiful girl put her whole soul into her singing. She believed in herself so she gave everything. And that made it the most beautiful song I have ever heard. and you should have seen her face. It was really shimmering.

It is time to be like little children again. Don't worry about the others. You are the one that count in your world. You have the biggest role in "Your life's play"..

Let's sing and dance along the road of life..

If not NOW, when??

You say that you are just going to lose some more and then you will stop. You say that this will be the last time your overeat. You say this is the last day you spend most of your time over the toilet. And you try to convince yourself that this is the last time you will say "no thanks" when people is offering you some food. That this is the last time you restrict... But is it your last time?

To recover you have to take a chance. You have to just jump into it... You must say to yourself..."okey I will give it a try.. Today I won't purge. I won't overeat. I won't restrict.. I will try it only for today and if I don't like it, well then I can go back to the ed tomorrow... But on the other hand.. Maybe life without the ed can look interresting and exciting and I want to give it a try for one more day... Anyway I will do it today..." It is hard and it is scary.. You maybe think that it is impossible to live without an ed.. But friend, with the ed you are not living.. You are only existing.. And why just exist when you can LIVE ? I would say that it is worth a try.. After fifty-two days of no purging, I will never ever go back there.. I won't pay that high price for such low living...

Give it a try.. You may be surpriced when you see what you are missing living with an ed.. It can be hard to see what kind of life you havnt' had because of the ed.. It won't be easy, but I believe it is worth it.. To me taking a step on the recovery-road has been like being born again. I see the world with new eyes. I am so excited. It is so fun and magic to be alive.. It is so wonderful to live I have hard days, and it takes so much of me to fight against the ed-voices. But it is so wonderful to feel, to cry, to smile, to dance and to LIVE...

You are worth it...

Give it a try..

Do it for YOU

Nobody can make you recover.. People can support you, give you advices, but they can’t fight the battle for you

No matter how little you weigh, you will never be saticfied, because it really isn’t about weight.. It is about feelings and needs.. When you figure out what you really need and what you long for, and do something with it, the weight won’t matter so much any more..

You will never be happy if you look for happiness in things around you. Happiness is something you have inside.. True happiness is when soul, mind and body are one.. When you listen to your needs, both your heart’s needs and your body’s needs..

People loves you. You may not believe it, because you find hard to love yourself. But if you are willing to take the chance and believe that they love you, you might be surprised what you have missed while living under the lies of the ed..

You think that one meal will make you fat, that it will make you gain a lot.. Okey, think about it.. If that was true, then the rest of the populations that eats normal would have been so fat. And they are not.. They eats four, five or maybe many more times a day, and still they don’t look like elephants... Do you really believe that your body is different from everybody else’s....

You have the choice to have fun, to be happy and to smile to yourself in the mirror. You can choose to love yourself... Then why on earth do you choice to be miserable, to hate yourself and to waste away your life.. It is about choosing..

You are a fishy.. You are spesial. You are unique.. There is no fishy like you. Every one is different from the others. Everyone have their own talents, their own way to react, to think, to speak, to write, to smile.. Nobody is like you. You are a piece of a big puzzle called human kind.. You are a fishy , and without you the bowl won’t be whole.. You makes a difference. You count.. You are worthy.. You are UNIQUE.. You are spesial.. You are loved

How to fight the urges to purge

I got a question from Quarry today, how I manage to fight the urges to purge… Well, in a way you can say that I was lucky when I was unlucky.. I had an seizure this summer when I stopped breathing. I was unconcious for a while and can’t remember anything from the hours after it.. Anyway, they never found the reason why I had this seizure, and had to conclude it to that it might have been cause by my eating disorder.

That made me scared.. That my eating disorder actually can make me stop breathing. I thought that was something that happened to others, but not to me. I thought it could’t happen to me. But I learned my lesson.. An eating disorder takes life. You never know when you might stand there knocking on death’s door.. It could happen to you, and it could happen to me...

Well, it was an eye-opener to me, and I just had to stopped purging, because I got the seizure right after I had purges... So I was afraid that it might happen again if I do purge.. I can’t take that risk...

But... I have been SO close to lock the door to the bathroom and do it, many times.. The urges have been so strong, and I have cried my bitter tears. I have been so afraid, so frustrated, so helpless.. But there has been things that have helped me...

When you have eaten and feel full, it helps laying down on your stomach on the floor.. It might sound weird and not smart, but it helps feeling the floor connected to your stomach...

Put on some loud music and move to it. Dance... It keeps you busy.. And before you know it, the urges weaken...

Go outside for a walk, to a place where you have no options to purge..

Call a friend

Sit down and write down your feelings, why you want to purge, what you are scared of.. Then imagine what a therapist or a person that loved you would have told you in respons to this feelings... Try to calm yourself down in this way...

If you binge, try to put up poster around you with “everything in moderation”. It is okey to eat. You can eat whatever you want, but in moderation.. There will be time for food again later, so you don’t have to eat food for the next couple of days in one meal..

I wish I had more godo advices how to fight the urges to purge, but I can’t come up with anything now.. I know how hard it is.. I really do.. The first weeks after the seizure was like a living hell (excuse my hard words), I never thought I would make it, but after a while it gets easier. When you have made it through week one and two, it seems interessting to try to make it through another week.. And then I had got a new goal, and this time it wasn’t about weight, it was about how many weeks I could make it through.. And along the road I have started to give myself small presents.. I give myself a little thing for every week I make it through...

I believe in all of you.

You can do it. You CAN! You have got the strenght inside of you.

Every journey, starts with a singel step. Take that step today.. Don’t say you will start tomorrow, because when tomorrow comes you will probably push it before you again.. If you want something to happen, do something with it NOW!

I believe in you

©Shinyflower

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Email: lillebie@europe.com