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In memory of my grandmother

I will remember you, will you remember me, don’t let your life pass away, weep not for the memories.. I’m so tired that I can’t sleep. Standing on the edge to something much to deep. Once was there was a darkness, deep inside my soul. You can gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light. I will remember you….

It was the week when the world was turned up-side down. There was something weird in the air, something unusal. It was so warm and it doesn’t use to be so hot in april. I was sitting outside just letting mother nature warm my cold heart. The sunshine danced around me like an old lover, and the soft breeze took my hair and played with it. There was something wrong, it was so beautiful and so lovely outside. The nature was so alive, we’re not used to having such lovely wether in april..

On Friday it rained, heavy drops falling from heaven. I woke up at 5 am with a stomach ache so painful I’ve ever had before. I remember laying in my bed, almost crying because it hurted so much.. Looking back I realize that it happened for a reason, because if I hadn’t had stomach-ache that day, I wouldn’t have stayed home from school, and then my mother wouldn’t be able to reach me before late in the afternoon, and by that time it would be too late..

It seems like april is the cruelest month after all. On wednesday it was 5 years since my grandma on my fathers side died.. I remember crying on wednesday.. The sun was smiling at me, and I answered me watering the earth under my feet.. Only two days later I was to suffer another loss…

The week is over and whether I want it or not, we’re entering into a new week, the last week of april.. It’s the dreaded week- the funeral… I am not sure if I can take it, if I start crying again, I am not sure if I will ever stop.. I can’t understand how many tears that can live inside a person.. How many hours you can spend crying before you run empty. Does the rain ever stop? Will the sun come up in my heart again….

I’ve never seen a dead person before. I’ve never seen something so beautiful, yet so painful to look at. It was not you that lay there. It was just an empty body. Yet, I’m grateful that we got this chance to say goodbye. You didn’t reply my hug, but still feeling your warm skin close to my cold chin, gave me a little hope to carry on…

I find myself hoping over and over again that this is just a nightmare.. That I will wake up, opening my eyes, saying good morning to the day, call you and you will answer the phone. I find myself wishing that the dinner-invitation still is plotted in my calender, that I will see you on wednesday like we planned. That I will hug you again, that I will hear your laughter when I open up your front-door. I just long to go into your house and find your smiling face there… What then if I need a hug? A grandmother-hug, where am I to turn?

It’s not raining outside today, but inside there is a storm coming..

She was a great woman, a good woman. She never had a great career, but still she has made lasting impression on so many people. She will be rememebered for her smile, her laughter, her hospitality, her cooking, her soft hugs, her strong opinions, her cakes, her soft and safe hands. She will be remembered by so many.. She was such a great woman, and such a wonderful grandmother

I miss you…

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