Don't kill me, saying recovery is impossible
May 2003
I’m having one of those days where I reflect and look back on my life.. Or right now I don’t want to call it a life, because I have only lived for three years, I excisted for seventeen...
I hear people say that if they could have done things differently they wouldn’t have, they don’t regret the ed because they’ve learned so much about life... Well, I’ve learned great things about life, but I wish I would have the ed in my historybag... I would have done things differently if I could.. But we can’t go back and undo things, but we can change the future, and I have changed mine..
I remember one night back there. I was standing kneedeep in water and dying of thirst. I was starving in every possible way... And I remember making a list of where I would be in five years with and without the ed.. I remember that I cried, I was weeping over the dreams I didn’t dare to believe in.. I wrote a list about my dreams, those dreams that was impossible to live with the ed. And because I couldn’t imagine a life without the ed, I cried.. I cried as I let those dreams go...
I regret it.. I regret the ed, because it was so painful, so useless.. Sure I know that it had a function back then, that there were reasons for why I choose such an unhealthy way of coping. But yet I regret hurting myself so badly, I regret wasting all those years and those dreams.. I regret missing out my childhood and youth..
But you can’t undo things that’s already happened... And the only thing I wouldn’t change was the worst day in my life. The day when I woke up from my nightmare realizing I was living my nightmare for real.. When I woke up in an ambulance realizing that I was oh so wrong when I thought that it couldn’t happen to me, because it only happened to ‘thin’ people... I nearly died, and I don’t regret that, because if it hadn’t happened I would never have learned how to live....
For me it was about a decition. I made a decition to live. To believe in me and my dreams. I decided to take up space. I choose to use my willpower to live instead of starve my life away.. And it has been about decitions ever since... When I wake up in the morning I choose to smile and look on the bright side of life.. I choose not to step on the scale because I’ve decided that my life isn’t determined and valued by a number one the scale.. I choose to eat. I choose to laugh, I choose to have fun. I choose to be friends with people. I choose to dream.. I could have chosen not to, but I don’t.. I choose to live.. I choose to live my list, the list I dreamed years ago...
I could have been that miserable girl living with the ed and the sideeffects of the ed, I could have spent my days worshipping the scale, the calories and the toilet.. I could have cried. I could have been without friends, I could have been isolating myself.. I could have been that girl on the list ‘where I am in five years with the ed’.. But I am not.. I choose to step out of my nightmare and live my dreams... I choose to prove the professionals that they are wrong. It is possible to recover from an ed. It is possible to have an ed for nearly seven years, and then recover totally.. Because I am..
When I wake up in the morning I don’t think about my weight, I don’t think about my body other than how great it is to have a body that works! I don’t think about what I eat, other than I try to think about how I can eat in a way that gives my body all the nutrition it needs.. And I enjoy eating, I have fun while eating.. I go out and have fun without people without worrying so much.. There is not a single ed-thought left in my head.. It’s all gone.. So either it’s something wrong with me, or the professionals are wrong... So they should stop saying that it’s not possible to recover from an ed, because that takes the courage away from people...
So now I’m writing a new list of dreams, because I knows dreams do come true... So here I am finished with my first year of nursing, with a lot of new passions, a great body, a smile and a wonderful life with a lot of tears and even more smiles! Because that’s what life is all about, sorrow and happiness walking hand in hand, and lessons to be learned along the road. And there are people to love, hearts to touch and summernights to feel. And I’m ready for it all.. I’m ready for LIVING the rest of my life..
So don’t say it’s not possible, because if you do, then you kill me.. Then I am not real, because I did it... That means it’s possible for you too!
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Email: lillebie@europe.com
