MY THREE PRECIOUS ANGELS

I have three very precious angels in heaven. These are tiny little ones I never got to cradle in my arms. But I did know them. I loved them. In fact I still love the. Their existence changed my life. You see, I have always dreamt of being a mother its the only thing I always knew I would be. Unfortunately, life seems to have other plans for me.

In the spring of 1994 I learned I was pregnant. At last my dream was coming true. Even before it was confirmed I think I knew that I was finally going to be a mother. The joy in my heart was greater than anything I have ever felt. Then everything changed. Twenty four weeks into my pregnancy my precious baby was taken from me. The son I so desperately wanted was gone. All I had left were a few ultrasound pictures and memories of kicks. The doctor and nurses wouldn't let me see my Alan. They said I didn't need those kind of memories. I will never forgive them for that. How can people think that a mother doesn't need memories of her child ?

Four years passed and there was still a very deep hole in my heart. My husband had become ill and died on May 22. Feeling totally alone I decided to pursue my dream of motherhood. I went to my doctor and began the process. Much to everyone's surprise I became pregnant immediately. I was so excited. I began sharing the wonderful news with friends who were all happy for me. What a tremendous blessing this was . I never stopped to think that anything could go wrong. That is until I went for the first ultrasound. The words "i'm so sorry" coming from a doctor are devastating. My precious baby had no heartbeat. I couldn't believe this could be happening to me. But it was .

Three months later I became pregnant again. This time I tried not get too excited. I only told a very few close friend. Even though I didn't want to get too attached to this baby of course I did. I was terrified of the first ultrasound. It seemed to be ok. Two weeks later I heard those crushing words... "I'm sorry" from the doctor. My world collapsed again.

Now I had three babies in heaven and I hadn't even seen any of them. When the doctor told me that he believed no matter how many times I got pregnant I would never carry to term I wanted to die. My dream of motherhood was shattered. Gone forever just like my children. Learning to say goodbye to a dream is so very hard, The only way I have survived is with the love and support of my family and the dear friends I met at GROWW ( Grief Recovery online). Here I found understanding and compassion from other who are living the same nightmare. My angel babies and GROWW family have been like stars shining in the darkest night for me. They are guiding me onward.

My precious angels deserve to be remembered. They deserve to be honored. That is why I have created these pages for them.