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The Demographics of Chain Letters

Are you tired of having your mailbox flooded with pointless, pathetically dramatized and downright poorly made chain letters? I know I am!

Tired of these "Love/Love Story" BS emails and forwards? See MY love story. Also, be sure to check out this very well done site on chain mail letters if you are fed up with them.

I received ten, count em TEN "crap" mails in one day, eight of them synonymous to the others. This is ridiculous! Therefore, I have, through intense scientific and mathematical calculations, come up with a demographic breakdown of the degenerates responsible for flooding our ICQ and email boxes. I propose that if you want to get these idiots to shut up and take you off their mass mailing lists, you use some choice lines below!

Here are some very SIMPLE demographics on the average chain letter/URL forward. That's what I classify - based entirely on subjective, scientific methods of course - as pure crap.

Demographic 1: Relative age of creators and readers of chain letters:

The average (relative) age of a chain letter creator is nine years old. Despite conflicting demographic information that seems to point towards others in the actual 13-17 year old range (an entirely unexpected and surprising result), the average relative age has been calculated to be downwards of 9.2 years of age.

The average relative age of a chain letter reader is 13. This is of course rounding upwards, and based mostly upon the fact that the chain letter creators must read the worthless waste they and others have created, and sometimes other older, misguided people are drawn into actually reading them, rather than throwing them away!

Demographic 2: Gender distribution

The average chain letter writer is female. This doesn't mean that women in general create chain letters, but it does speak to the maturity (or lack thereof) of certain unspecified young girls.

Data is unavailable as to the gender of readers of chain letters, as being a man I have never actually read a chain mail, and could not therefore verify whether or not other men read chain mail letters. As a scientist, I made a consciencious decision that because I have not observed ANY men reading chain mail letters, it would be therefore wrong to rule on the gender of chain mail readers. So the jury is still out on this issue.

Demographic 3: They don't call it JUNK mail for nothin'!

I've analyzed over sixteen original, individual chain letters. I discounted copies of copies of copies ("Fw:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:WOW!") in favor of original, genu-WINE pieces of junk.

Of these 16, the average number of lines containing the TEXT of the chain letter (and the worth of that is debate-able) was 35. In contrast, the average number of lines containing JUNK (such as MIME-XX content - CAN NOT BE DISPLAYED!! GASP!!, ANSI/ASCII crap, and the prior recipients names (between 30 and upwards of 100 other unfortunate indivduals who received the letter) was SIX HUNDRED!!

For all you sharp as a whip math whizzes out there (the blonde chain mail letter creators) that means for every line of actual cer-TEE-fried junk mail text you sent, you sent out ((17!!!) more lines of pure inexcusable JUNK!

Demographic 4: Most Popular Topics

The most popular topics, directly resulting from the average demographic of a chain mail creator (a 9-13 year old girl), include:

1. Magical MIME-X (unreadable) images that will conjure up the love of an unwitting, wanted target and hand it over to you! Yay! (But only, naturally enough, if you promise to send it onward and flood more mailboxes, of course.)

2. Giant ANSI/ASCII's of magic genies (usually nine pages or more long and coincidentally also unreadable in most cases) who will grant you any wish you desire, if only you hold your breathe and concentrate! OOH!

3. MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! If you keep passing these one, and ignore how much they annoy you, you'll get MONEY! Just view these testimontials of people; the first, who sent the letters, holding gobs upon gobs of green dough, and the OTHERS, who DIDN'T send the letter, holding their severed head in their hands! Ouch!

4. DEATH FROM ON HIGH! If you do not send this onward, the following things will happen:

A. You will be deleted, shunned, and blacklisted from all ICQ and email accounts, stock market holdings, porno sites, etc. Sorry!

B. You will contract an incurable virus that will wreack havoc on your computer!

Click here if you want to see another site talking about that hoax mail in particular.

C. You will be cursed. FOREVER! Muhahahahaha!

End chain letters!!

This, coincidentally, is NOT a chain letter. It contains precisely 100 lines of text and blank space, but NO junk. It also comes from someone far outside the average chain letter creator demographic (13 years old, inept, blonde, and most importantly, female!!), whereas the creator of this small editorial, Cocytus, is 16 years old, highly competent, dark-haired, and most importantly... MALE!

However, I implore you to send this onward. Choose some choice demographics and add your own comments, and at the end of the message, write, in large annoying caps locks (also a favorite of chain letters) THAT YOU DON'T WANT ANY MORE CRAP IN YOUR MAILBOX!

Maybe, these flighty little girls will get the idea. I sure hope so.

Jason Stevens/Cocytus
90 Degrees From Nowhere

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