Inventions

I continually have this problem where its like below zero outside and I am on my way home from school or work or some other place and I am freezing cold and I realize that I soon need to poop, crap, pinch a loaf, rip a doogan, drop a log, etc... When I make it to the crapper, and drop my pants I again realize that I was just outside and my ass is one of the olny parts of my body that is resonably warm, the last thing I want to do is place my toasty buttocks on this frigid toilet seat. So my latest invention rids the world of that awful feeling of getting your ass cold by inserting some sort of heating coil directly into the toilet seat itself to provide continous warmth whenever the urge to bake a brownie might call on you.

Pneumatic Tube Transport System

Some might think this proposed invention impractical or too expensive but considering that airlines have many planes costing millions each, not to mention airports and fuel costs, I think this could be done. Imagine a cylidrical car about the size of a bus or train car (possibly multiple cars even) or it could be as large as jet fuselage I suppose if one were so inclined. Anyway the car gets sucked through a giant tube at ultra-high velocities in excess of 1,000 mph. (If you are looking for a good example of this you can go to the bank and see the Pneumatic Tube System in action on a smaller scale) Imagine going from Boston to Seattle in 3 hours or from Minneapolis to Chicago in 20 minutes.

Freezewave

Originally concieved by TreeTanning who is in the process of submitting a full schematic and description of this invention
Apparently it works like a microwave but in reverse, freezing things quickly rather that heating them. (definately a useful item)
"The freezewave. ok, this is pretty much the opposite of a microwave. This way you can make things real real cold very fast. This is how it works. Instead of stimulating the little particles of matter and creating friction, therefore heat; you slow them down, making them cold. this freezewave would most likely be dual action, aslo becoming a microwave." (TreeTanning)
You ever come inside on a hot day thinking how great it would be to just sit back and chill with an ice cold Dew but to your horror you find that some ass-clown forgot to refill the damn ice cube tray. Well with Tree's "Freezewave" you'd have your problem solved lickety-smooth. Just pop some water in the freezewave and in like a minute you got yourself a nice frosty beverage.
Oh yeah now thats the stuff.

Crap Car

Conceieved by me in collaboration with Carnarus
Basicly its a car with some type of fusion powered engine that runs on pure fecal matter. We'd all be rich! The hog farmers would have a monopoly I think though. There were several variations on this concept, one involving an actual toilet as the driver seat.

Air Conditioned Boxer Shorts

Nothing is more uncomfortable than sweating through a good pair of draws. However the downside of this invention would have to be the comparably uncomfortable possibility of freezing off one's unit. It might be hard to find a middle ground with a canister of charged freon in your shorts. Obviously every invention has bugs that need to be worked out before hitting the shelves. Imagine the freedom climate controlled undergarments would bestow!

2000 Deathbot Productions, Mpls. MN