MEDICAL UPDATE: Ass Temperature Strong Contributer to Nasty Flatulence

(3/05/03) Ever wonder what makes some farts smell like the devil himself had a sulfur mine in the room and some are just tame and relatively odorless? Well a current study at John's Hopkins Medical Center may have part of the answer. Head researcher Rondel Jolork-Poomis wouldn't comment on the entire scope of the project but added this brief statement: "We're studying the adverse effects of rectal heat on methane-based anal releases. I mean its pretty self explanitory. Our team consists of 16 graduate students working on their thesis' and 4 senior professors, along with a liason from Cal-State Berkely and a half-dozen 3rd year Surgical Residents from the University of Minnesota's Health Care facility. With all the farting going on at this school alone the effects can be discomforting at the least. But seriously, it pretty much boils down to, as your internal ass-temperature increases the trapped Methane gas is heated, and when realeased, is all the more offensive to those around you. That's all I can say for now...." So it would seem, by the graph provided, that at above normal body temperatures (98.6 is normal evidently--hah thats news to me) we witness an almost exponential increase in disasterous reek. At 103 degrees the putrid stench is at a nearly unbearable 1300 Reek Units (abbreviated Ru), mother of God! This exponential trend appears to explain the reason your cheeks are always emmitting such horrible rankness when sick, or diseased. It should be noted that in a related study there has been an inverse corrolation between the sound energy created by an air biscuit (blast factor) and its overall position on the Reek Unit scale. This study however is only in its preliminary stages. 2003 Deathbot Productions, Mpls. MN

QUARTERLY UPDATE: Jerks in the Workplace

(2/25/03) Despite the overwhelming feeling that in this day and age everywhere we look we find frickin' Jerks, the actual numbers of Jerks has actually dropped to a 4 year low for the Jan-April (1st) Quarter. Also an interesting trend; less Jerks in the summer. Evidently not freezing their collective asses off soothes the Jerkiness out of the Jerks. Its the opinion of this writer that the "John Rocker Factor" has a lot to do with both trends. 1; because John Rocker is now in the minor leagues explaining why the overall Jerk Ratio is lower (John Rocker single handedly caused the increase in quarter 3 of 2000 and thereafter was a stalwart contributor). And 2; Every year in the fall and winter months John rocker has to do something else besides pretend to be good at baseball, thus really increasing the Jerkiness of the workplace. So with the mercury rising above the frigid mark slowly but surely, we can all hopefully look forward to an enjoyable and less Jerkified 2nd Quarter. 2003 Deathbot Productions, Mpls. MN

"IDIOT": THE TRENDY GREETING OF CHOICE<\center>

(2/17/03) In a public opinion survey conducted recently all across our great nation an intersting trend is occuring. Everyone is calling each other idiot as a form of greeting. Recently this reporter visited some friends' house and was repeatedly referred to as "Idiot". A few common usages of the word in the greeting are: "Hey you Idiot", What up Idiot" or in combination with one of the other salutations that made the list such as: "Hey Idiot you brought Dew right? Idiot. or "Sup Idiot biotch! When asked for comment the friends in question declined comment except to call me idiot again. 2003 Deathbot Productions, Mpls. MN