By Celestia
Many people only see the happy side of the Junkyard... oooh, dancing kitties... but little do they know the unrest behind the musical...We present to you ...
Act I
Disclaimer: CATS belongs to RUG and Les Miserables belongs to Cameron Mackintosh. I'm sorry for using some lyrics... please don't test your guillotine on me...I do not own them, and this is for entertainment only. No cats were harmed in the making of this fanfic...
Misto: Yeah, right...
IT BEGINS...
Munkustrap, a middle-aged tom, is seen, chained to a grindstone. Fellow convicts are beside him, all grinding catnip.
Convict cats: Look down... look down.. don’t look ‘em in the eye....look down... look down... you’re here until you die....
Munkustrap: I’ve done no wrong...
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*Misto taps author on the shoulder from behind the computer*
Misto: This is sounding scary... are you sure it’s a good idea to cross two musicals? After what you did to Phantom...
Celestia: Shhh.... you don’t come out til later...
Misto: *to the rest of the cats* Can’t say we didn’t warn her...
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Tugger: Get out here, 90210...
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Misto: Help...
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The police officer, Tugger, takes Munkustrap aside, and hands him a piece of yellow paper...
Munkustrap: Great Heaviside.... I’m free!!!
Tugger: Slim chance... you’re a criminal!
Munkustrap: I stole a mouse... my sister’s kitten was starving...
Tugger: And you think that matters? You robbed another cat!!!
Munkustrap: Is that worth 7 years chained to a grindstone? (okay, shortened that for kitty life span)
Tugger: Just go....
Munkustrap searches for a place to stay the night, but no one will take him in, seeing his yellow ticket of leave. Finally, he approaches an old oven...
Munkustrap: Please... I beg you sir... let me stay the night...
Deuteronomy: Why, my good cat, of course! How could I turn away a homeless one?
Deuteronomy, the bishop, opens the door.
Munkustrap: But... I am a convicted criminal... didn’t you see my paper? (holds it up to Deuteronomy)
Deuteronomy: Makes no difference... all cats are equal in the eyes of the Everlasting Cat... come in and eat something...
Munkustrap is given a room and a meal. That night as he tries to go to sleep, he remembers the silver claw-sharpeners he saw earlier that night....
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Misto: Geez... this is ridiculous...
Celestia: Did I ask you? (Keeps typing and sticks the Les Miz cd into the cd drive)
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Munkustrap: *paces around the room* Should I? I could pawn them off....
After much debate, Munkustrap takes the claw-sharpeners and flees. But the next day, he is caught by the Jellicle Guard...
Cassandra: What is your name? Speak up!
Munkustrap: Munkustrap...
Tumblebrutus: I see you have a ticket of leave... where are you going?
Munkustrap: N... nowhere...
Cassandra: (sees claw-sharpeners sticking out of his pack) HA!!! Where would a convice find these? Explain this, Mesieur...
Munkustrap: They were a present!
Tumblebrutus: Yeah... right....
Cassandra: We’ll see about that...
The take the frightened Munkustrap to the Bishop
Tumblebrutus: Good day, Bishop Deuteronomy..... we seem to have found something belonging to you.... (holds up the sharpeners)
Deuteronomy: He is right, they were a present. (The jaws of the Guard and Munkustrap drop)
Cassandra: Whoops... sorry.....
Deuteronomy: That’s all right... (turns to face Munkustrap) Now listen... I saved your tail. Now I expect you to use this silver to become an honest cat! Your soul belongs to the Everlasting Cat.
Munkustrap wanders outside of the village.
Munkustrap: What have I done? I stole from this dude... he could have put me back in jail... why didn’t he? Do I really belong to the Everlasting Cat? Wow....
A few years pass.... Munkustrap has indeed used the silver for good purposes... he is now the mayor of the village Mousetreuil-Sur-Meow under the alias Monsieur MeowMix....
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Misto: AAAAHHHH!!!!! *hides under a table*Bad Parody!!!
Celestia: Shh... I can’t hear Valj.. er... Munkustrap’s lines...
Misto: Hey, ‘Lonzo? Do you have any arsenic I could borrow?
Alonzo: Nope, more’s the pity... I would have used it on myself by now...
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Factory workers are seen, slaving away.
Electra: What a stinkin’ life....
Etcetera: Being poor is over-rated... you slave away for nothing!
Coricopat: AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU’RE ANOTHER DAY OLDER...
Tantomile: I thought we had escaped the “musical” part...
Grizabella is seen reading a letter
Jennyanydots: Hmm... whatcha got, Griz? (grabs the letter) AAAAHHH!!! SCANDALOUS!!!
Factory workers: WHAT?
Jennyanydots: Dear Grizabella.... your kitten needs a vet... hurry and send us more money! You little... *bleep*
Tugger: Did I mention I run the sound booth?
(Jennyanydots hurls herself at Grizabella. Munkustrap walks in)
Munkustrap: STOP!!! Hmm... why did that sound familiar...anyway... I won’t put up with fighting!!! What’s the problem?
Jennyanydots: HER!!! She’s hiding a kitten in some village somewhere! I knew she was trouble!!!
Skimbleshanks (the foreman): Get out!!!
Grizabella wanders the streets, musing her life...
Grizabella: I remember... there was once a time when toms were kind... I thought the Everlasting Cat really cared....
An old queen spies her
Jellylorum: My dear... what a pretty necklace!
Grizabella: (to herself) I can use the money for medicine for Victoria... I’ll sell it to you, Madame!
Jellylorum: I’ll give you four...
Grizabella: Hah! That wouldn’t pay for the chain!
Jellylorum: I’ll give you five... you’re too eager to sell....
Grizabella: What can I do? (gives the necklace to Jellylorum and collects the money)
Demeter (another queen): My... such long fur.... it is beautiful!
Grizabella: Ewww... go away!
Demeter: Let’s make a deal... trim it, and I’ll give you a centime...
Grizabella: Ten franks...
Demeter: It’s a good deal...
Grizabella: What can I do? It pays a debt.. ten franks may save my poor Vicky....
Later she is approached by a pimp, Alonzo.
Alonzo: Who did the casting?
Celestia: *from offstage* No time for that...
Alonzo: *sigh* Hmm... nice legs.... come on, dear, you need a job?
Grizabella: I CAME OUT OF RETIREMENT FOR THIS???
Alonzo: It’ll be over with soon....
Bombalurina: Come on, Griz... it’s easy money....
Grizabella: Poor Vicky... to bad they don’t know my heart is dead...
Soon, Grizabella’s health is gone. On her deathbed, she pleads to Munkustrap...
Grizabella: Monsieur... take care of my daughter... I leave her to you... Mukustrap: She will live a safe and happy life...
Grizabella: Tell her I love her, and I’ll see her when I wake....
Unfortunately... Tugger has found a cat who he pretends to think is Munkustrap... Munkustrap rescues a man from underneath a boot that has been thrown out a window...
Tugger: HA!!! Finally.... I have found you! (Grabs Coricopat)
Coricopat: Humiliating... I’m not even grey! Are you colorblind?
Tugger: It’s in the script...
Munkustrap: (to himself) I can’t let him arrest an innocent cat... TUGGER!!! IT’S ME!!! 90210!!!
Tugger: HA!!! hehe... knew it’d work...
Munkustrap: Since when do you giggle?
Tugger: Come on... don’t stall!!! I know you stole those sharpeners....
Munkustrap: Tugger, if you let me go for three days, I’ll return... I promise... this queen leaves behind a poor kitten...
Tugger: Do you think I’m crazy? You’d run away... toms like you never change... come on, 90210...
Munkustrap escapes, and leaves to find Victoria.
Victoria has lived with two innkeepers for five years. They abuse her, while endulging their daughter, Jemima...
Rumpelteazer: ‘ey, Victoria! Get yer furry tail in ‘ere and sweep up this mess...
Victoria: (singing to herself) There is a catbox on a cloud....
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Misto: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! She’s back at the lunacy!!!
Celestia: For the last time, hush!
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Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer, the couple who run the inn are true con artists....
Mungojerrie: hehe... make ‘em pay for the dust.... hmm.... three percent for sleeping on the left side of the bed....
Rumpelteazer: Ugh... yeah, you think you’re so smart...
Mungojerrie: Celestia? I want ta sing this song....
Celestia: Sorry...
Mungojerrie: EVERYBODY RAISE A GLASS....
Rumpelteazer: RAISE IT UP THE MASTER’S *bleep*
Tugger: Wheee... this is fun....
Celestia: THAT’s why...
Munkustrap enters. He sees Victoria sweeping.
Munkustrap: Hmm... looks like Griz.... what’s your name, my dear?
Victoria: Victoria...
Munkustrap: (to himself) Aha!.... Do you live here?
Victoria: Yes... but it’s no fun...
Munkustrap: You’re so thin... you poor child...
Mungojerrie: Good evenin’ Mesieur... can Oi ‘elp you?
Munkustrap: Grizabella sent me... she is dead... I am here for the girl...
Rumpelteazer: Welll..... how much ya willin’ ta pay?
Mungo: Yeah... we love her like our own...
Munku: Yeah... right....
Rumpel: She’s been sick so often... poor deah... we’ve had to pay for so much medicine...
Munku: Oh, give it a rest! Here... (hands Mungo a pouch) Fifteen hundred...
Rumpel: Whoah.... bye Vic...
Munku: Come, Vicky, dear... let’s find a friendlier place...
Nine years later...
Munku and Vicky live in Purree... where they are persued by Mungo and Rumpel, wanting more money...
Rumpel: Awwww... I’m tired of being mean...
Tugger rescues them, not realizing it is Munku until he has already escaped...
Tugger: Geez... I KNOW he should be in jail.... I swear I’ll track him til I see him there! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Alonzo *offstage* : Great... Macavity impressions.....
Tugger: Well, it fit....
Mistoffelees, a young student, sees Victoria, and falls in love at first sight. Victoria, in turn, feels the same.
Misto: Just when I thought I could escape the insanity...
MEANWHILE... Alonzo and his fellow student friends are meeting in the old car trunk that is a tavern...
Alonzo: We’ve got to do something! The people of France... er... Junkyard are starving!
Admetus: The time is near... but how can we awaken the government? General Skimbles is dying... no one is looking out for the populus...
Alonzo: WE NEED A SIGN!!! TO RALLY THE PEOPLE, TO CALL THEM TO ARMS, TO BRING THEM IN LIIIINNNEEEE!!!!! hehe... had to do that...
(Mistoffelees hops in)
Alonzo: You’re late AGAIN, Misto...
Plato: You look like you’ve seen Firefrofiddle...
Gus: THE FIEND OF THE FELL...
Jellylorum: Not now, dear...
Misto: I swear, it surely was a ghost... she was exactly like a ghost to me... all white and graceful...
Admetus: Great... a lovesick Misto... hehe... you talk about battles to be won, and here he comes like Don Juan... it’s better than an OOPPPERRAAA....
Everyone: DON’T SAY THAT WORD!!!
Etcetera: Remember the last time we tried theatre?
Munkustrap: Ahhhh.... Don’t remind me!!!!
Alonzo: Anyway.... RED... the blood of angry cats... BLACK... The dark of ages past... RED.... A world about to dawn.... BLACK... A night that ends at LAAAST!!!
Misto: Red... I feel my soul on fire... BLACK.... my world if she’s not there... RED... the color of desire.... BLACK.... the color of DESPAIIIIIIIRRR!!!!
Admetus: (digs his ear) Watch it there, Pavarotti...
Pouncival (a young kitten): Hey, guys... Skimble’s dead!
Alonzo: It is time! (they rush out onto the street)
Alonzo: DO YOU HEAR THE KITTIES SING? Oh, man... that *bleep*...
Tugger: hehe...
Plato: Just cut the song....
Victoria is conscerned with her past... and with Misto...
Victoria: Father, why won’t you tell me? Where did we come from? And where’s my mother?
Munku: (uncomfortably) Truth is given by the Everlasting Cat to us all in our time... be patient, my dear.
Meanwhile, Misto is discussing his mysterious phantom-like Victoria with Jemima...
Misto and Jemima: Don’t say that word!
Celestia: You mean... Phantom?
Misto: Ahhhhh.... my ears!!!
Celestia: Stick to the script, guys....
Misto: Uh... anyway... ahhh, Jem...she’s like a bar of soap freshly opened from the wrapper... as white as the porcelain of a bathroom sink...
Jemima: Don’t quit your day job to become a poet...
Misto: I’ve GOT to find her...
Jemima: W... would it make you happy?
Misto: Oh, happier that the largest wad of catnip....*winces at the line*
Jemima: *sigh* I just want you to be happy.... I know where she is....
Misto: YOU DO?
Jemima: Here... (she sadly leads him to the old washing machine where Munku and Victoria live.)
Misto: ... hello?
Victoria: It’s you!
Misto: I don’t even know your name... mine’s Mister Mistoffelees... but you can call me Misto... *looks lovestruck*
Victoria: I’m Victoria, but you can call me Vicky...*grins*
Jemima: (outside) He loves her...
In the alleyway, Mungo crouches with Plato, Admetus, and Tumblebrutus...
Tumble: I hate double casting...
Mungo: ‘ere, be quiet... now I’ll get what I should have gotten for that little brat... aww... Celest, I sound mean...
Celestia: It’s your role, Mungo...
Plato: Just give me my share, let’s get the job done...
(Jemima stumbles upon them)
Jemima: Dad! What are you doing here?
Mungo: We don’t need any more help, Jem... go home....
Jemima: I know... are you after the tom and his girl?
Mungo: Don’t meddle.... go home, Jem....
Jemima: I’ll scream... I’ll warn them....
Mungo: One little scream and you’ll regret it for a year!
Jemima: AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Misto: Vicky! That was Jem.... she brought me to you... someone’s here... let’s hide...
Mungo: You’ll be sorry...
Munku suspects that the people lurking in the alley were Tugger and the police... so he plans to move...
Munku: Vicky, pack your things....
Victoria: We can’t leave!
Misto: How can I live without her?
The students prepare to fight the government...
Alonzo: A barricade! A barricade of Freedom!!
Admetus: Are you with us, Misto?
Misto: If she’s not here, I might as well sacrifice my life for a good cause.... ick, mushy line...
Celestia: Keep going...
Jemima realizes how much she loves Misto...
Jemima: One more day all on my own.... One more day with him not caring... What a life I might have known... But he never saw me there...
Tugger infiltrates the students, pretending to support them, and wins their confidence...
Tugger: hehe... Hey, I’ve fought their stupid wars... They’re all idiots... we can beat ‘em, guys!
Celestia: There went the French ambiance, out the window... THIS ISN’T A FOOTBALL GAME PEP TALK!!!
Tugger: Sor-RY...
All: TOMORROW WE’LL DISOVER WHAT THE CAT IN HEAVEN HAS IN STORE.... ONE MORE DAWN..... ONE DAY MORE!!!
End of Act I
Intermission...
Munku: Quick... I think we can escape...
Bombalurina: Hurry...
Tugger: I feel like a fugitive...
Misto: Huh... and you’re the police officer...
Celestia: Where ya goin’ guys? Act II will be ready in a minute...
Everyone else: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
