~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
~ By eating equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, you will have a balanced diet.
~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
~ Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
~ A. Because no one wants to quit.
~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Titanic virus -- Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus -- Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus -- Quits after one byte
Prozac virus -- Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care
Tim Allen virus -- Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Ronald Reagan virus -- Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus -- Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Martha Stewart virus -- Takes all your files, sorts them by catagory and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
AT&T virus -- Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virus -- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus -- Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back
A woman says to a man, “I haven’t seen you around here.”
“Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife.”
“So you’re single?”
I’ve been married for 50 years.
Where have I failed?
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 50 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands, if I let go, she shops.
My wife will buy anything marked down.
Last year she bought an escalator.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
She said to me “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”
So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, “I” stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street.
The cop pulled her over and asked, “Where are you going?”
My wife said, “I must be late, everyone is all coming back!”
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat...
I left my wife at a rest stop...
The five questions are:
1 - “What are you thinking?”
2 - “Do you love me?”
3 - “Do I look fat?”
4 - “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 - “What would you do if I died?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question, is of
course, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on
what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman
you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife,
Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of
thinking.”
The other questions also have only one right answer,
but many wrong answers:
2 - “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes,
dear.” Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I’ve seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the question could
be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard thay you
almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In
any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong
answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and
I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s
Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the
lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
”Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?” “Why, dear, I would
be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?”
”Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of couse not, dear” said the
husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do,
dear” he said. “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” “Alright,” said the
husband, “I’d remarry.” “You would?” said the wife, looking vaguelyhurt.
”Yes” said the husband. “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the
wife after a long pause. “Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the
husband. “I see,” said the wife indignantly.”And would you let her wear my
old clothes?” “I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband. “Really!”
said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and
replace them with pictures of her?” “Yes. I think that would be the correct
thing to do.” “Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I
suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.” “Of course not, dear,”
said the husband. “She is left-handed.”
Today's TO DO List
