These are a collection of jokes. Enjoy, dude!
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided
to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and
look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door
and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like
to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll
need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way
around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished,"
she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two
coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on
that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring
that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of
the horse, instead of on top."
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with
a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly",' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition." "If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict
upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".
"OK,", said the man, and entered the house.
Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the
young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her
room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear
and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted
but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he
saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder out.
As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was
already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was
better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign
on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied
to bed post."
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that
was likely to stretch over several months. He
approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been
given.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred
dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake.
But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call
it to your attention."
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take
another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a
friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if
something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim
expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have
had to!"
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the
doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat
spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid
standing there says "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim.
We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A
kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick
up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers.
A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.."
The father shot him.
A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with
his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife.
If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified
immediately. After about a week of no news the business man received a
telegram:
"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up
yesterday..."
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.
She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these
arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral
service she wanted, etc. She told her rabbi she had two final
requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over Bloomindales.
"Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another
for some time. After inquiring about each other's health
one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead
right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."