Rieke Enterprises...

Is proud to announce that on Friday, August 20, 1999, the Open House for the Animas Fire Protection District was a complete success!!!

In honor of this momentous occasion, we at Rieke Enterprises would like to relate the events of the Open House in a unique transcript style.

Read on, enjoy the story, and if you would like a closer look at any of the photos, feel free to click on them.

NOTE: This web page is not final, and will be changing until at least Friday, August 27. Therefore, the story may change and more pictures may be added, so please check back every few days

WARNING: The following is a transcript of actual events and interviews conducted for KRAP-TV in ANOTHER DIMENSION! The only truth to this transcript is the characters (except for the narrator) and places involved. To repeat myself, do not take this seriously. Interviews are all falsified to create a better story with more depth (or less, depending on your point of view).

If you are offended by any of this, then you need to step back and laugh at yourself about something you recently did that was funny, and then reread this. It is for entertainment purposes only.

NOTE: It is critical that you, the reader, examine each picture carefully to more fully understand the meaning of this story. Unfortunately, the meaning is not money or new cars. On the flip side, it is fortunate for you because all you have to do to examine the photos is to CLICK ON THEM to view them at a larger size. If you don't do this with most photos, part of the story will be lost to you. And I will be disappointed with you for neglecting your responsibility to play an active role as a reader.

Narrator: Moore Isbeter, a local television commentator on KRAP-TV

Scene: Animas Fire Protection District's Central Station in Durango, CO

Time: 4:30 pm, Friday, August 20, 1999

MI-"Good afternoon, I am Moore Isbeter, reporting for KRAP-TV. I am currently standing in front of the Animas Fire Protection District's NEW Central Station located at 142 Sheppard Drive, in Durango, Colorado."

MI-"As you can see in the background,"

MI-"This station is currently being inundated by onlookers, bystanders, gawkers and lookie loos of all kinds. After talking to a few of them, I have found that they are all waiting for the 'grand tour' of the station, and the free hot dogs and sodas."

MI-"It is hard to describe the enormity of this fire station, so I will let you the viewer imagine. However, if you will close your eyes and imagine yourself flying above it, you will be able to see a birds eye view of the concrete, called the 'pad',"

MI-"Which has various fire trucks strewn about as if dropped by some enormous creature, perhaps the bird which you imagine yourself to be at the moment. Imagine people admiring your grace, your talent... Can you just hear them cheering as you dive bomb targets with impeccable accuracy..."

MI-"While you are at it, imagine picking out some helpless victim below as a target."

MI-"While my eyes were closed, I imagined that those two yellow helmets were good targets. Let's walk over to them and see what they are up to..."

Time: 4:55 pm, Friday, August 20, 1999

MI-"Folks, in my 19 years of television broadcasting, I have never seen two individuals with such an obsession for clowns! Right now, I am looking up at Bozo and Krusty..."

MI-"Excuse me, I was misled. I would like to introduce you to Drop Tank and Edith."

Looks at Drop Tank

MI-"Tell me, uh, sir? Could you put down the styrofoam bricks? Thank you. So are you paid well to do this or is it strictly volunteer?"

DT-"WE do this on a volunteer basis. We both agree that it would be wrong for the taxpayers to pay for us doing this. We both pay out of pocket for our classes and the continuing education."

MI-"Continuing education? Could you elaborate on where you would get an education to become a clown?"

DT-"Three Stooges reruns, Jerry Springer and clown college."

MI-"Uh..."

DT-"Don't forget about Oprah, Rosie, Geraldo, and the Crocodile Hunter."

MI-"Yes, well, very good. I'm feeling a little tired, so I'm just going to wander on over here..."

Time: 5:20 pm, Friday, August 20, 1999

MI-"It makes me somewhat curious to find that there are at least two more clowns at this 'Open House'. Standing beside me are two radio clowns, dee jays."

MI-"I would like to introduce you to Dave and Bruce, not only my competition, but also my biggest enemies."

Turns to Dave and Bruce.

MI-"Gentlemen, it is nice to see you again. I take it my 'gift' hasn't arrived at the radio station yet?"

Bruce-"It did, but we had to return it because we didn't have the money. Why'd you send it postage due?"

MI-"#@$#@$!!!!!!!! Loyal viewers, please stand by while I make an important call."

Time: 5:45 pm, Friday, August 20, 1999

MI-"I would like to offer my sincerest apologies to everybody watching. It seems that some dangerous material had been mailed to my television station by some competition, but we added a number to the address so it will not be received."

Dave-"We RETURNED the material, we didn't send it."

MI-"Why are you defending yourself? I didn't accuse you of anything."

A siren cuts through the air like a chainsaw through butter.

MI-"I am sorry folks, that siren cutting through the air like a chainsaw through butter marked an important event. A fire engine has just been stolen by one of the funny clowns! In the distance I see the original driver, Art. I will try to flag him down to ask him about this."

Bruce-"ART! ART! OUR LISTENERS WANT AN INTERVIEW WITH YOU!"

MI-"In case you still have your hearing, I would like to inform you of the actions of Bruce just now. Having tried to steal MY interview, he failed miserably because Art is walking over here."

Dave-"Actually, you're standing right next to us Moore, so he's walking over to all of us... UGH!"

MI-"I'm so sorry, Dave. My elbow seems to have slipped. WHUMP!"

Bruce-"Slipped like my foot just now, right? Dear radio listeners, we have with us Art, the driver of the stolen fire truck."

MI-"My loyal viewers, I would like to introduce you to Art the driver. Do you know who the clown is that's driving the fire truck?"

Art-"Technically, the engine is driving the truck, and Drop Tank is chasing those dalmations in it. Speaking of dalmations, has anybody heard the one about the pitcher who threw breaking balls?"

MI-"No."

Dave-"Nope."

Bruce-"Yes, I mean no."

Art-"His stories couldn't hold water..."

MI-"Dave, Bruce, he's all yours."

Bruce-"Oh, we would hate to take YOUR interview from you Moore."

Art-"Take my engine, please! WAHAHAHA!!!!!"

MI-"While Art composes himself and picks himself up off the ground, I will interview Drop Tank again. He has just parked the fire engine in front of a hydrant and GOD HELP US HE'S GOING TO SHOOT US!"

Bruce-"Folks, Drop Tank has just knocked down Moore Isbeter with a thousand gallons of water," snicker, "But I will continue this interview as I know he would want it conducted, until he regains consciousness. Mister Drop Tank, do you prefer radio or television?"

DT-"It seems to me, we have a failure to communicate."

Bruce-"Don't you point that nozzle at me you blue-haired freak... AAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Art-"Don't lie to me, bear! I know you do drugs because that was the barbiturate! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Time: 6:20 pm, Friday, August 20, 1999

MI-"I would like to apologize for my absence over the past 35 minutes. Unfortunately, I was knocked unconscious. However, the nice Emergency Medical Technician that helped me, Dana, said that I would probably regain most of my memory over the next week. In fact, there he is right now! Let's listen in to what he's saying to Al, who is on the Animas Fire Board of Directors."

Al-"Being a safety officer with a yellow helmet, do you really prevent firefighter injuries?"

Dana-"Oh yeah. You remember that car accident a few weeks ago? Well, I had to put a hole in the gas tank and light the gasoline with a fusee to show the firefighters why they need to wear their bunker gear at accidents."

Al-"And you're still allowed near the trucks???"

Dana-"You bet. In fact, there's even talk of making me an assistant chief."

MI-"Dana! Thank you VERY much for helping me out with that little concussion thing! Could I give you an exclusive interview for our viewers, to show them just how brave and skilled their rescuers are?"

Dana-"Moore, I would be honored. I, HEY! HEY! SOMEBODY STOP THAT CLOWN! I'm sorry Moore, but we'll have to do that interview later. GET DROP TANK AWAY FROM THAT FLARE GUN!"

MI-"We will get back to that interview a little bit later. It seems that Drop Tank has found the flare gun, and everybody is now hiding under the fire trucks. Hmmm, that's funny, Dana got the flare gun, and is now crawling under the fire engine with a tool called a halligan tool... Oh Good Lord! Please stand by while we back away from the Safety Officer."

Time: 6:45 pm, Friday, August 20, 1999

TO BE CONTINUED THURSDAY, AUGUST 26

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This page was last updated on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 2230 hours.