Goat Island is a small peaceful tranquil little island sitting just outside Wellington Harbour. It is alone except for a few clusters of isolated rocks that make up its teeny-weeny baby companions, a few undersize 'islands' and rocky clusters.
All rights are reversed to the fullest extent possible under present law and order. 1. Prologue
Wellington – the one with a large harbour on its doorstep and Goat Island right outside the harbour's doormat – is found in the North Island of New Zealand, and New Zealand (for all those geographically-impaired vegetables out there) is found in the south-western part of the great Pacific Ocean. It's in the heart of the 'we don't like your nukes' part of the world.
If you have not yet found New Zealand on the map and are unlikely to before the next sentence, look at Antarctica and go north. It's there, half a world away from Britain.
New Zealand itself is a small little sheep-farming country with a -huge!- population of about fifty million sheep and about three-point-five million people to look after the sheep. It broke away from the Gondwanaland and Australia about 80 million years ago and floated around unnoticed in the Pacific until the Polynesians (the Maori) discovered it and (much later on) the Europeans (Dutch, British, etc.) came around and brought the rest of the world into it.
Goat Island has a surface area of
about twenty square kilometres all told. This may sound small, but it has
an abundance of both hilly and flat areas, making it an ideal asset for
both a lookout area and a home base for defence in direct combat wars.
In the past Goat Island's moderate closeness to the mainland (North Island)
has allowed it to be used as an area to house residents who 'want to get
away from it all', while its reasonable distance to the North Island (you
need a fair-sized boat to cross in-between) has also permitted it to accommodate
those who 'need to keep away from us all'.
I.e. all those who could spread incurable and terribly dangerous diseases such as bubonic plague, fish flu, calicivirus cold, etc. to humankind used to be kept there under strict quarantine.
But alas, at the present stage of time and space, Goat Island is unarmed and its future as a strategic military base are remote, as the New Zealand army will not put in enough money to develop Goat Island for defence purposes (and especially since there are no present wars to warrant this development happening).
Unfortunately however, the Army has not recognised the growing public interest in Goat Island. While investors jealously look upon New Zealand's rich resources (the trees, the fish, the coal stocks and more) and wish hard on their birthdays that they could just snap up the goodies attain the wealth that they could generate from owning them, Goat Island sticks out as the place to own. To the outhouse go the trees, fish and coal, they are nothing. Not compared to Goat Island. Just imagine telling the guys at the pub that you own Goat Island! Wow! (And wouldn't they be jealous!)
But meanwhile, as the bureaucrats
ignore the silence surrounding Goat Island, the idea of an invasion looks
increasingly more imminent. A major takeover is simmering at the edges
of the harbour.
2. The BattleOn the date of the 7th of April 2000-and-something , at approximately 9.22 in the morning at local time (the exact minute and year are negotiable in case of emergency), the 'RGI-to-be-Army' will conquer Goat Island and afterwhich establish the Republic of Goat Island (RGI), as its first step in slowly conquering the world and establishing the RGI as the almightiest and most unchallengable superduperpower of all time. Yeah!
In order to conquer the 'Island of Goat', the army must first be delivered to it ready for battle. Although this seems an impossible feat, the transportation of the supreme RGI-to-be-Army to Goat Island (remember that the GI -Goat Island- part of the RGI has not been achieved by this point yet, so it is only called the RGI-to-be-Army), it will be done at all costs. Never fear what your inferior mind deems impossible! Nothing is impossible for the RGI!
Actually, the event will be arranged
so that the local ferry service unknowingly delivers the army onto the
island while it disguises itself inside oversize telephone booth boxes,
delivered there for a non-existent former-resident who is 'waiting for
the booths to complete his lifetime collection'. Once the booths are unloaded
the RGI-Army will sneak out, hoping nobody notices it, and will
find somewhere to hide until battle-time is due, and the booths are taken
back to Wellington after the 'orderer' is found to be not on the island.
Once that happens, the RGI Army will finally have the opportunity
to pursue the first step of its expansionist policy and declare war on
3. Battle TacticsDefeating the air, land and sea forces of Goat Island is a major ambition in the RGI's superior war strategy, and it is vital that it happens. Since there are no street lights on the Island, it is presumed that the inhabitants are not scared of the night-time (they are used it), and therefore by using common logic, they must be scared of the light-time instead, or at least of the light-time when it should be night-time.
In the process of conquering the enemy, conventional weapons (including paper swords, apple cores and pea shooters) will be disguised as more sophisticated high-tech weapons (like pear-grenades, cardboard swords and vacuum cleaner tubes [for the housework] to further confuse the enemy into giving up. Other secret weapons will be used as provisional measures, for example:
Attacks on enemy boats (anti-RGI boats) will occur. The RGI Army will try to bomb passing ferries and yachts with its super-wonderful-secret-weapons, particularly its specialised scrunched-up pieces of paper and wads of play-do, which will eventually destabilise the morale of the enemy, making them fight with less vigour and surrender more easily.
After these attacks, which at the minimum will frighten the world tremendously, the RGI will build up its arms and support before beginning its final step in world takeover:
The Republic of Goat Island, the RGI.
5. The History of the RGIThe RGI was created in 1998 by the Samurai Ninja Slug Monsters (or to be more exact, Slug 1 and Slug 2) as a completely illogical solution for all the problems of the present world. Look at all the problems you see around you every day in the world, and the logic that is used to 'solve' these problems. These problems are still with us. Trust us and accept the truth, that if logic cannot solve our problems, then the world will have to revert to illogical measured instead. After all, it is a very illogical world we live in, eh?
So by using illogical measures to
solve the many squizillions of problems, the RGI will present the
world with a new era of thinking and problem-solving. Once you eliminate
the possible, then the answer must lie in the impossible. It's so easy!
The RGI will help you solve your problems as long as you agree that
you want them solved.
6. The Ambitions of the RGIWhen the RGI takes control of its provinces, it will impose these demands on the world:
7. Information about the Leaders of the RGIThe party-leaders, Slug 1 and Slug 2, operate a co-joint dictatorship system in which they both decide what to do, on the condition that they both agree.
Dear Little Disbelieving Fuzzlings,
Be not be afraid. You are merely misguided and/or wrong. Past leaders who have tried to conquer the World have failed merely because they tried to execute the wrong methods of doing it. The RGI is not like that. It is superior! It is supreme! And if the RGI is wrong then you are wrong too! (And don't forget: two wrongs make one right!) Baaaarr-harr!!!
9. Foot note
If anybody wants to enlist in the RGI Army, or if any countries want to surrender in advance, please contact the The Samurai Ninja Slugmonsters asap by signing their guestbook or emailing them at the address below.
Please sign the guestbook And view the guestbook
If you don't want to sign the guestbook, please drop in an email some time!