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The Republic of Goat Island

These are the secret battle plans that you shouldn't be reading
© 1998 by the Group leaders: The Samurai Ninja Slug Monsters (Slug 1 and Slug 2).
 All rights are reversed to the fullest extent possible under present law and order.

1.  Prologue
Goat Island is a small peaceful tranquil little island sitting just outside Wellington Harbour. It is alone except for a few clusters of isolated rocks that make up its teeny-weeny baby companions, a few undersize 'islands' and rocky clusters.

Wellington the one with a large harbour on its doorstep and Goat Island right outside the harbour's doormat is found in the North Island of New Zealand, and New Zealand (for all those geographically-impaired vegetables out there) is found in the south-western part of the great Pacific Ocean. It's in the heart of the 'we don't like your nukes' part of the world.

If you have not yet found New Zealand on the map and are unlikely to before the next sentence, look at Antarctica and go north. It's there, half a world away from Britain.

New Zealand itself is a small little sheep-farming country with a -huge!- population of about fifty million sheep and about three-point-five million people to look after the sheep. It broke away from the Gondwanaland and Australia about 80 million years ago and floated around unnoticed in the Pacific until the Polynesians (the Maori) discovered it and (much later on) the Europeans (Dutch, British, etc.) came around and brought the rest of the world into it.

Goat Island has a surface area of about twenty square kilometres all told. This may sound small, but it has an abundance of both hilly and flat areas, making it an ideal asset for both a lookout area and a home base for defence in direct combat wars. In the past Goat Island's moderate closeness to the mainland (North Island) has allowed it to be used as an area to house residents who 'want to get away from it all', while its reasonable distance to the North Island (you need a fair-sized boat to cross in-between) has also permitted it to accommodate those who 'need to keep away from us all'.
I.e. all those who could spread incurable and terribly dangerous diseases such as bubonic plague, fish flu, calicivirus cold, etc. to humankind used to be kept there under strict quarantine.
But alas, at the present stage of time and space, Goat Island is unarmed and its future as a strategic military base are remote, as the New Zealand army will not put in enough money to develop Goat Island for defence purposes (and especially since there are no present wars to warrant this development happening).

Unfortunately however, the Army has not recognised the growing public interest in Goat Island. While investors jealously look upon New Zealand's rich resources (the trees, the fish, the coal stocks and more) and wish hard on their birthdays that they could just snap up the goodies attain the wealth that they could generate from owning them, Goat Island sticks out as the place to own. To the outhouse go the trees, fish and coal, they are nothing. Not compared to Goat Island. Just imagine telling the guys at the pub that you own Goat Island! Wow! (And wouldn't they be jealous!)

But meanwhile, as the bureaucrats ignore the silence surrounding Goat Island, the idea of an invasion looks increasingly more imminent. A major takeover is simmering at the edges of the harbour.

2.  The Battle
On the date of the 7th of April 2000-and-something , at approximately 9.22 in the morning at local time (the exact minute and year are negotiable in case of emergency), the 'RGI-to-be-Army' will conquer Goat Island and afterwhich establish the Republic of Goat Island (RGI), as its first step in slowly conquering the world and establishing the RGI as the almightiest and most unchallengable superduperpower of all time. Yeah!

In order to conquer the 'Island of Goat', the army must first be delivered to it ready for battle. Although this seems an impossible feat, the transportation of the supreme RGI-to-be-Army to Goat Island (remember that the GI -Goat Island- part of the RGI has not been achieved by this point yet, so it is only called the RGI-to-be-Army), it will be done at all costs. Never fear what your inferior mind deems impossible! Nothing is impossible for the RGI!

Actually, the event will be arranged so that the local ferry service unknowingly delivers the army onto the island while it disguises itself inside oversize telephone booth boxes, delivered there for a non-existent former-resident who is 'waiting for the booths to complete his lifetime collection'. Once the booths are unloaded the RGI-Army will sneak out, hoping nobody notices it, and will find somewhere to hide until battle-time is due, and the booths are taken  back to Wellington after the 'orderer' is found to be not on the island. Once that happens, the RGI Army will finally have the opportunity to pursue the first step of its expansionist policy and declare war on the Island.

3.  Battle Tactics
Defeating the air, land and sea forces of Goat Island is a major ambition in the RGI's superior war strategy, and it is vital that it happens. Since there are no street lights on the Island, it is presumed that the inhabitants are not scared of the night-time (they are used it), and therefore by using common logic, they must be scared of the light-time instead, or at least of the light-time when it should be night-time.

In the process of conquering the enemy, conventional weapons (including paper swords, apple cores and pea shooters) will be disguised as more sophisticated high-tech weapons (like pear-grenades, cardboard swords and vacuum cleaner tubes [for the housework] to further confuse the enemy into giving up. Other secret weapons will be used as provisional measures, for example:


After the establishment of RGI Empire's Capital, RGI-City (which being three tents will take approximately fifteen minutes to establish), the RGI will start to pursue its expansionist policy. With the gradual establishment of the empire, a dummy name will be temporarily labelled to it:
The Republic Of Goat Island, (the RGI).
And with the execution of this incredible plan, the RGI Army will undoubtfully defeat the inhabitants of Goat Island, thus conquering it and proclaiming its first of many successes.

Attacks on enemy boats (anti-RGI boats) will occur. The RGI Army will try to bomb passing ferries and yachts with its super-wonderful-secret-weapons, particularly its specialised scrunched-up pieces of paper and wads of play-do, which will eventually destabilise the morale of the enemy, making them  fight with less vigour and surrender more easily.

After these attacks, which at the minimum will frighten the world tremendously, the RGI will build up its arms and support before beginning its final step in world takeover:

Once the world is finally taken over (using similar battle tactics as for fighting against the enemy in claiming Goat Island) there will be created a new empire, which will be called in succession:

    The Republic of Goat Island, the RGI.

And then the RGI, will rule supreme and unchallenged over the world!

5.  The History of the RGI
The RGI was created in 1998 by the Samurai Ninja Slug Monsters (or to be more exact, Slug 1 and Slug 2) as a completely illogical solution for all the problems of the present world. Look at all the problems you see around you every day in the world, and the logic that is used to 'solve' these problems. These problems are still with us. Trust us and accept the truth, that if logic cannot solve our problems, then the world will have to revert to illogical measured instead. After all, it is a very illogical world we live in, eh?

So by using illogical measures to solve the many squizillions of problems, the RGI will present the world with a new era of thinking and problem-solving. Once you eliminate the possible, then the answer must lie in the impossible. It's so easy! The RGI will help you solve your problems as long as you agree that you want them solved.

6.  The Ambitions of the RGI
When the RGI takes control of its provinces, it will impose these demands on the world:  

7.  Information about the Leaders of the RGI
The party-leaders, Slug 1 and Slug 2, operate a co-joint dictatorship system in which they both decide what to do, on the condition that they both agree. There may be some people out there who disbelieve the powers of the (yet-to-be) RGI. They may doubt the strategies of the Army or the validity of the policies.

Dear Little Disbelieving Fuzzlings,

Be not be afraid. You are merely misguided and/or wrong. Past leaders who have tried to conquer the World have failed merely because they tried to execute the wrong methods of doing it. The RGI is not like that. It is superior! It is supreme! And if the RGI is wrong then you are wrong too! (And don't forget: two wrongs make one right!) Baaaarr-harr!!!

9.  Foot note
If anybody wants to enlist in the RGI Army, or if any countries want to surrender in advance,
please contact the The Samurai Ninja Slugmonsters asap by signing their guestbook or emailing them at the address below.

Please sign the guestbook Guestbook by GuestWorld And view the guestbook

If you don't want to sign the guestbook, please drop in an email some time!