Nothing can prepare you in life for the sudden death of your child, especially one who commits suicide. Grief takes on an even greater edge to it. Recovering from this event takes an awful lot of time, courage, support, and in my own personal grief, an element of forgiveness. It's about coming to terms with suicide and society's reactions to people who take their own lives, to opinions and feelings that to suicide is a selfish and cowardly thing to do.
It is just over three and a half years since my only son, Josh, took his own life at the age of twenty. He was a very special young man in so many ways, who made this decision to end his own life. The details of his death and how he died are no longer important. Part of my being able to live again, when I thought I could never feel anything but the pangs of wanting him back and alive, was due to finally coming to more fully understand that fatal decision he took.
I've been helped a little by the knowledge that Josh's quality of life was eroded, and in his tormented mind he found the world a difficult place to live in. There wasn't a selfish bone in my son's whole body. He showed great compassion for others - he wasn't selfish. I was also helped by a mental care worker who, after telling her my story, told me that what Josh had done would have required great courage. The weak don't take their own lives.
I am convinced that in Josh's case that was the truth, and so I was able, in my rambling talks to him, to say that I had forgiven him, and in doing so, I felt that I was free to move on and live my life again.
However, in saying that, I must say that since Josh's death I have changed, I am different - no longer that person prior to 11th February, 1994. I have noticeably aged, lost a lot of my confidence and maybe a little of my self esteem, my memory doesn't seem to be as good as it was, and I have become a little reclusive, preferring the sanctuary of my garden and animals. This is all the effect of grief and, of course, I will never be the same again, but in finding the ability to genuinely forgive, I have made progress in recovering some of my life that went out the day Josh died.
Wendy Howchin,
Dubbo Chapter, TCF NSW
"BLACK SMOKE"
I feel as though there has been a volcano in my life... when my son, Chris, was ill, it was as though the volcano was smoking and warning me how bad the eruption would be. Towards the end, the signs got worse and worse - the earth trembled and the smoke grew thicker.
But I didn't know what an eruption was, how devastating the moment when the mountain exploded, leaving my life in ruins. I could not know how the lava would sweep away everything in its path and leave nothing untouched, nothing unburned.
Now almost two years later, the growth is returning on this mountain. I am living with the scars of the
eruption, but the grass is returning and the plants are springing back to life.
But from time to time, a plume of black smoke enfolds me and I can't see the light, I can't see the sun...
David turned 23 on Wednesday. Chris was 23 when he died. David 'caught up' to his brother and I wasn't prepared for how hard that would be. I wasn't prepared for the moments, in the shadows cast by the light of the birthday candles, when I would see Chris looking out from David's eyes. I wasn't prepared for the sweet refrain of Christopher's harmony when David was singing, or the echo of a piano in heaven when David sat down and played.
My life is infinitely sweeter because Chris showed me how precious his brothers and sister are. He taught me to never take a child for granted. He taught me how important our time together is, because you never know how quickly they will be gone.
But it does not assuage the loneliness. It does not fill the moments in time that belonged to him. I wish he were here.
by Lynnette Siler lsiler@ix.netcom.com
A FATHER WRITES
A father does not find his job an easy one. The responsibilities he faces are enormous. Everything, from finance to being a good role model, tests a man's ability to be the best father he can. It is a job charged with emotional, physical and mental challenge. And, at the time, it is only one of the many roles he fills. His roles include; husband and lover, son, friend, boss, co-worker, to name a few. The relationships he has are numerous, complex and always changing. One event in particular can really put all these relationships and roles to the test ... the death of his child.
The bereaved father is a unique individual. Unfortunately his uniqueness and attendant problems are not often understood by others, or even by himself. His child's death puts extraordinary demands on him. All the roles he fills change and his life is truly not ever the same again. That is not to say it cannot ever be as good, but just the circumstances are going to be different.
When a child dies, it seems that the majority of sympathy is directed towards the mother. This is usually because she is much more open in her grieving, thus it is easy to focus on her emotional needs. But what of the grieving father??? His other roles may actually prevent him from working out his grief. As husband and provider, he is the one who sees to the practical matters around the death: funeral arrangements, notification of people, arrangement for sibling care, etc. It may be days, weeks or months before things are settled to the point that he thinks deeply about what happened. In most cases, he is back to work and into his usual routing so quickly that he can find himself comforted by this. The impact of the child's death is lessened to a degree. Away from the house, it is easier to "forget" the child and what has happened.
In our society we are taught in subtle, and not so subtle ways that men don't cry and that, in general, they are not at all open about their emotions. Thus, many men are denied a perfectly good emotional release mechanism ... crying!! Even in the privacy of their own home, they feel they have to 'be the strong one'. Our experience has taught us that men who use crying as a tool in their grief work have fewer long-term adjustment problems. Since men often suppress their feelings, good and bad, how they are coping with their child's death never comes to the surface.
BOB STEINER, TCF U.S.A.
How Do You Say Goodbye?
By Richard Dew
If a fir, when it falls in the forest
Makes no noise if no one is near,
How do you say good-bye
When no one is there to hear?
Who do you say good-bye to
When the person who's leaving is gone
And all that is left are the memories
That you live, and re-live all alone?
You say good-bye to the little guy
You taught how to ride a bike,
And good-bye to the heart-bonded buddy
Who went with you to hunt, fish, and hike.
And finally, good-bye to your hero
Who would be all that you wanted to be,
Who'd climb to heights never dreamed of
And see sights that you'd never see.
Where do you say good-bye
When you don't know where he is?
Where can you go and feel him close by
And not lost in some dark abyss?
You can say good-bye in his bedroom
Where you snuggled and read stories to him,
Or down by the creek in the deep woods
Where you taught him to fish and to swim.
You can say good-bye to the goal posts
Where he made you feel so proud,
Or out on the lake in a bass boat
Where you debated the shape of a cloud.
What do you say good-bye to
When nothing is there to see?
Do you just talk to the air, or murmur a prayer
That something's there listening that's he?
You say good-bye to your future
That you had planned and barely begun,
And to the joy-the pleasure-of grandkids
When you finally admit there'll be none.
And you say good-bye to the good times
And birthdays and Christmas cheer,
And, hopefully, good-bye to That Day
Which methodically comes 'round each year.
How do you say good-bye
And accept that it's over and done?
When you can deny it no more, you must close the door
And whisper, "Good-bye until then, my son."
HEALING CONNECTIONS
SO WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY ANGER?
There are constructive ways to handle anger, our view of a healthy approach to anger is this:
Before you get angry:
1. Recognise, and allow yourself to believe that anger is a natoral healthy non evil feeling, everyone feels it, we just don't all express it. You need to feel anger
2. Remember that you are responsible for your own feelings. You got angry at what happened, the other person did not make you angry
3. Remember that anger and aggression are not the same thing! Anger can be expressed assertively.
4. Get to know yourself, recognise those events and behaviours which trigger your anger. As some say, find your own buttons, so you will know when they are being pushed.
5. Don't set yourself up to "get angry" If your temperature rises when you must wait in a slow line, at the bank, in traffic. Work at finding alternative ways to accomplish those tasks, bank by mail, find another route to work.
6. Learn to relax. If you have developed the skill of relaxing yourself, learn to apply this response when your anger is triggered. You may want to take this a step firther by 'desnsitising ' yourself to certain anger provoking situations.
7. Develop several coping strategies for handling your anger, including, relaxation, physical exertion, stress inoculation statemements, working your resolution within yourself. Focus on relationship goals and assertive methods.
8. Develop and practice assertive methods for resolution of your anger, following the principles described, be spontaneous, don't wait and let it build tpo resentment, state it directly, avoid sarcasm and innuendo, use honest expressive language, avoid name calling, put downs, physical attacks or one upmanship.
9. Develop and practice assertive methods for resolution of your anger. Learn conflict management strategies. Learn how to listen non-defensively. Learn to identify exactly what triggered your anger in a situation, so you can be specific as you seek solutions.
SYMPTOMS
Most people who suffer a loss experience one or more of the following:
· Feel tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest.
· Have an empty feeling in their stomach and lose their appetite
· Feel guilty at times and angry at others.
· Feel restless and look for activity, but find it difficult to concentrate
· Feel as though the loss isn't real, that it didn't really happen.
· Sense the loved ones presence, like finding themselves expecting the person to walk in the door at the usual time, hearing their voice, or seeing their face.
· Wannder aimlessly and forget and don't finish things they have started around the house.
· Have difficulty sleeping and dream of their loved one frequently.
· Experience an intense preoccupation with the life of the deceased.
· Assume mannerisms or traits of their loved one.
· Feel angry at the loved one for leaving them.
· Feel as though they need to take care of other people who seem uncomfortable around them , by politely not talking about their feelings of loss.
· Need to tell and re-tell and remember things about the loved one and the experience of their death.
· Feel their mood change over the slightest things.
· Cry at unexpected times.
THESE ARE ALL NORMAL AND NATURAL GRIEF RESPONSES.
LOVINGLY REMEMBERED ON THEIR BIRTH DATE
GINA, OUR SPECIAL ANGEL
I close my eyes and escapes a silent tear
remembering the times when you were still here.
All the good times, laughter and happiness we shared,
the many ways you showed you cared.
You always looked after me when we were young
and made sure that we had heaps of fun.
A big sister to five who was so dear
and a friend that everyone wanted to be near.
Such a wonderful person you were to me,
and the best daughter for Mum that one could be.
Gina you were so beautiful and gorgeous too
you had a zest for life that was too good to be true.
A great big smile would light up your face,
one that would make many hearts race.
Our perfect world shattered when Nanna died,
together we sat and quietly cried.
We missed her so much and often asked why,
now we know it was to be there for you, up in the sky.
Eight months gone by and then again our world turned black,
we found out you were sick and might not come back.
Through all the tubes and machines, we hoped against hope,
that the doctors could perform a miracle and then we could cope.
But that was not to be and we had to watch you slip away
not wanting to let go, wishing you could stay.
Even in death though, you gave hope and life to others,
just think of all those very thankful mothers.
Our memories of you keep us going through the day
while our love for you grows more than words can say.
As the years go by we'll never forget you,
the best daughter, sister, friend and flatmate too.
So now you are our special angel up above,
and in our hearts you rest with love.
Love Sally, your little sis
TCF WA 1998
All the things I miss
I sometimes think about all the things I miss about my brother.
There are a lot, some painful, some I never would have believed at the time that I would miss. And I find that what I miss the most are the things that should have been.
I bought my first car the year he would have turned sixteen, he should have been here to ask to borrow the keys, not that I would have given them to him, but he should have been there to ask.
He should have been a senior this year, getting ready to face the world with no summer vacations and deciding what to do with his life.
All the things that should be. He should be here when I fall in love to tease me and give his opinion of the man I choose. He should be here when I have a child to be godparent and uncle, friend and confidant. He should be here to get married and have kids of his own, so that I can be aunt and a sister in law. He should be here to celebrate when things are good and to commiserate when things are bad.
My brother was my friend and my foe in a way that only a brother can be. And as I sit here and think about my brother, what I think the most is he should be here
Questions Left Unanswered
Things left unsaid
I couldn't help but think
as you lay in your bed
I was there when you slipped away
I held you tight
'n felt your warmth drain away
It screwed me up
tied a knot in my head
To see you DIE
it made me see red
F- - - it !!!
You were still my brother
and still are
We just can't touch each other
You know they keep saying
"Only the good die young"
Well I'm going to live awhile!!!!
I know what can be done
It's just not fair
You were the first friend
Who I ever believe cared
'N they took you away……….
Mark Sylvester (20)
TCF Whatakatane NZ
Mark's 24 year old brother
Steven died of melanoma
On 12 Jan 1993
after a five week illness
HELP YOURSELF
HEAL
Write a letter to your
Love and include:
What I wish I said to you
What I wish I hadn't said to you
What I wish I had done
What I wish I had not done
What I wish you would have done
What I wish you had not done
What I wish I could ask you
What I would like to tell you
Pour out your feelings to your beloved sibling.
Tell him or her of all your many feelings, your anger, your guilt, your fears, your hurt and your pain, your longing to see them just one more time. In your letter tell how much you love him/her and also tell him/her goodbye.
Author unknown, borrowed & adapted from
TCF Atlanta newsletter June - July 1996
THIS SIBLINGS NEWSLETTER SPONSORED BY
THE BARROWS FOUNDATION
LETTER TO A BROTHER WHO HAS GONE AWAY
Dear David
How are you my brother? I hope that you're having the most gentle of rests.
I just needed to send you a line to let you know what's going on since you've gone away and while our hearts are going to take a little time to get used to you not being around, there are millions of things here to remind us of how precious you are.
I remember Mum bringing you home, your Sis and I were totally bewildered when Mum went to get a baby, little known a baby brother, David.
A blonde pudding. I can see myself just looking at you, a little fatty and bouncing on Mum's bed. I gotta tell you that when I saw Ryan last week, I had an incredible sense of déjà vu.
I know that I am browner than you but when you were a babe you hated wearing pants so I was always left wondering who was the real Noongar in the family and the day you came home with an eye drawn in charcoal on each cheek of your bum, I think the family knew then that we were in for a big adventure with you in our lives.
I can remember listening with pride when a neighbour told our Mum that he had seen you walk across Hardy Road when you were about three and hold up your hands like a policeman to stop the traffic of ten ton trucks and peak hour to go see Mum at work.
And like your Mum, I always have a heart attack when we used to watch you scream around the streets on your bike. It was as though the pedals couldn't go fast enough to take you where you wanted to be next.
Chuckin' lefties and doing fonzee's, beeyyy, just completed the picture.
I remember the days we used to talk about going to school like at Kewdale and Swan Christian. You used to think that it was Mum's way of making life harder and I just thought Mum was giving you the best because you were her baby.
I was sitting with Mum the other day and she was telling me how you went around to all the factories to see if one of them would take you on as an apprentice.
So when you came home and told her that you were going to be a Wood Machinist with Allwood Furniture, the grin of pride that Mum had still lights up the room.
And David, your sister reminded me about the time that you and Mum home delivered Natalie, and how you both worked together to bring this beautiful girl into this world.
I wanted to let you know that I saw your babes the other day and I don't know why I was starting to panic about why I thought God in his graciousness would not have provided me with these living growing reminders of you.
In Kira, there is the gentle but strong
In Kirstein, there is the thinker
In Trisbsa, there is the go getter
In Natalie, there is the grinner
In Ryan, there is the bouncer on the bed.
My brother I too make a promise on this day that as I promised I would tear the earth in half if you wanted me to, I will with all that is within my power and ability, make sure that all your children will be well provided, protected and cared for and will support Trina, as their mother, as my sister and as the woman you loved above all others.
Dad sends his love and hopes that you've found the peace that you were looking for. I can't get over how much you looked like him.
Kim wants you to know that she will fight tigers for you because that is what she did and that is how much she loved you. You'll always be in our heart, my darling dearest brother.
Mum and Kim feel like me, at peace knowing that all that you had to face is behind you and the rest you have will be the most gentle sleep.
Next time, you're talking to the big guy can he send an extra helping of soothing grace for your Mum. It's going to take a little time to let go but it hurts all the same especially for Mums.
Well my brother in heaven I need to go now so that we, your family can put you to rest.
It's been a long two weeks and our hearts are heavy with the feelings of love that we have for you and in the knowledge that you won't be around to drive us crazy.
I miss you and I always will. I don't totally understand why you had to go but you must have had your reasons and I look forward to the day when I'm old and grey and that this old body of mine lets me go to be with you. Make sure that we get bunk beds because we'll have so much to catch up on.
