Compliled by: vl2609@albnyvms.bitnet (vamp)







This script is not the official script which is put out by Twentieth Century Fox.  

Rather this was compiled and transcribed off of a tape by a fan of the movie.  

Thus noted, this script is public domain and may not be sold.  This script may

be used for information purposes, however the accuracy of the words is not 

guaranteed and therefore should not be used as your only source.  It may be 

distributed freely by paper, audio, or electronic media.  This script was 

transcribed with apologies to Richard O'Brien, creator of Shock Treatment.  











































Written by Richard O'Brien

Compiled by Larry Viezel

Special thanks to the Cinema 35 cast of Paramus NJ







{Movie opens up with a still shot of Farley in his office smoking a cigar.

 Credits are rolling in a bar near the bottom of the screen}



Narr:   Once upon a time,

        In a town not far from yours,

        There lived a real fast guy.

        His life was fast.  His friends were fast.

        Even his food was fast.

        But he was still not satisfied.

        He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else -

        A beautiful girl.

        Trouble was, she was in the arms of another man.



{ Smoke begins to move.}

<>

{Camera pulls out to show a neon "Denton, The Home of Happiness billboard.  

Neely, her crew, Ralph and Macy are sitting in the middle of the audience's 

seats. The Floor Manager is in the upper right sitting.  The Cop can be seen 

walking behind Farley down the stairs from his billboard/office and over to the 

Floor Manager.  Cop motions to the floor manager and everyone gets up.  Floor 

Manager walks over to the wardrobe room door and knocks.  He goes in and the 

wardrobe mistress comes out.  She walks around the corner and nearly runs into 

the makeup girl}



W. Mistrss:     Whoops!



{Wardrobe Mistress keeps walking and nearly runs into Floor Manager who has 

just come out of the other wardrobe room door.  The camera follows him down 

the winding stairs to Kirk's Coffee Corner.  He tells various cast members to 

get ready.  Camera follows him down to and behind the big DENTON set.  First he 

passes the cheerleaders not yet in their places.  The he goes behind the picnic 

table D revealing Emily standing in it with a sewing machine.  Then he goes 

behind the letter E, which is made of shrubbery.  In it is Harry with a ladder 

and a set of garden shears}



Harry:  Good luck honey.



{In the N stands the Cop writing a ticket.  The N is reminiscent of a jail 

cell.  To the right, of the letter T, decorated with red and white stripes on 

the base and white on blue stars on the cross bar, stands Ralph adjusting his 

tie.  He is not yet in place either.  The letter O, done in wood grain, are 

two phones.  In the letter N stands Macy adjusting outfit.  The Floor Manager 

goes past the DENTON set, past the "Welcome To DTV sign, and to the studio bay 

door and motions for it to be opened, letting the audience in.  In the 

audience are Brad and Janet Majors}



Brad:   What are we gonna do Janet?



Janet:  It's alright Brad, everything's gonna be alright.



{Everyone takes their seats and the camera finally comes to a rest on the neon 

billboard.  Scene shifts to the video wall in Farley's office showing the DTV 

logo and then the Denton Dossier opening. <4 chimes>.  Camera shifts to Neely 

standing backwards facing the DENTON set.  Everyone is where they were in 

accordance to above instructions except Brenda who is on the left side of the 

T, Frankie who is on the right side of the T, and Ralph who is now sitting in 

the O.  Neely turns around to sing.}



<>



Neely:  You'll find happy hearts, and smiling faces

        And tolerance for the ethnic races - in Denton.



Harry:  You'll find a rambling rose {clips bush with scissors} 

        And a picket fence.



Emily:  Tenderness, and innocence {turns knob on machine}

        In Denton {bites the thread}



Cop:    You'll find conference rooms 

        And a children's playground.{locks jail cell door}

        Denton is a real okay town {makes okay sign, walks to the T}

        Civic pride and civic duty.

        And Denton girls are {wolf whistles} full of beauty.



{Cheerleaders run forwards and dance their cheer}



Chrldrs:        You may call us the goodie goodie two shoes

        Were here to cheer you with the good news

        That D - E - N - T - O - N gets T - E - N

        That's ten out of ten!



{Ralph has a phone receiver in his left hand and on his right shoulder}



Ralph:  If you're looking for a life of leisure {points to audience}



Macy:   Your gonna get a whole lot to please ya



Ralph:  Again and again



Macy:   And again and again



Both:   And again! {Ralph and Macy shrug}



Aud:    Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension 

        You're where the heart is you're okay!

        Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention

        You're the home of youth.

        You're America's truth.

        You're Denton Denton USA!



Emily:  This is the Mecca of America



Harry:  The Bethlehem of the west



Emily:  This is the birthplace of the virtuous.



Harry:  The home of {clips bush with scissors}  happiness



Macy:   Leisure wise, we're sure you will adapt.



Ralph:  {To left phone}  Enjoy your stay. 

        {To right phone}  Have a happy holiday.



Chrldrs:        And we'll all put Denton Denton on the map.



Aud:    Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension 

        You're where the heart is you're okay!

        Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention

        You're the home of youth.

        You're America's truth.

        You're Denton Denton USA!

{Audience rises}



        Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension 

        You're where the heart is you're okay!

        Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention

        You're {Brad messes up his clap}  the acceptable face,

        {Camera goes through the faces of people in the set}

        Of the human race.

        You're Denton Denton USA!

{Audience sits}



{Scene shift to Betty and Oliver on the Denton Dossier set}



Betty:  Well how about that?  Wasn't that terrific?  And now for, well 

        certainly my favorite part of the show, and I sincerely hope yours at 

        home, our regular in depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright, 

        Denton's leading social scientist.  Judge Wright?



Oliver: mmhmm?



Betty:  Did you enjoy our anthem?



Oliver: In a way.



Betty:  I detect a note of reticence.  Are you perhaps one of those 

        amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly 

        manipulative.



Oliver: Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly.  

        There are monetary inducements,



{Scene switches to Neely talking to Brad and Janet. Oliver's lines can be 

heard in the background.}



Neely:  Hi Brad. Hi Janet.



Oliver: Extortion



Neely:  Come for the Marriage Maze?  



Oliver: Seduction



Neely:  I'm exhausted working on this documentary for Farley's new show.



Oliver: Blackmail



Neely:  Farley Flavors, our new sponsor.  Whew! {shakes her hand}



Oliver: Prejudice



Neely:  I tell you Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come to a successful 

        man in this town.



Oliver: and lies.



Betty:  Thank you Judge Oliver Wright. {Camera to Betty}  And now for a 

        commercial break.



{Camera to Macy on Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Food Commercial set.  Macy 

is wearing glasses and a graduation cap & gown outfit.  Kids  are sitting on 

the floor in costumes which kids would wear if they were given free choices as 

to how they want to dress.  On the floor is the five F Farley Flavors logo.}



<>



Macy:   {Taps stick on blackboard}  Okay kids, lets hear the five F's for 

        today.  F for. . .



Kids:   Farley!



Macy:   F for. . .



Kids:   Flavors!



Macy:   F for. . .



Kids:   Fabulous!



Macy:   F for. . .



Kids:   Fast!

 

Macy:   And F for. . .



Kids:   Food!



FAncr:  First and foremost, Farley Flavor's fabulous fast foods feed and 

        fortify families for a fabulous future.



{Camera on Betty and Oliver walking towards Kirk's Coffee Stand}



FlrMngr:        {Over PA system}   Stand by for Marriage Maze.  Strike Denton 

        Dossier.



Betty:  Thank you so much Judge Wright for another wonderful interview.



Oliver: Judge Wright, oh come on Betty.  First name terms surely huh?



Betty:  Oh Oliver, you're so tolerant.  Time for a coffee break before you 

        rush off?



Oliver: mmm, I'd love to, that is, if you don't mind being seen with an older 

        man.  



{The first E fron the DENTON set is moved across the screen.  Oliver moves 

Betty out of the way}



Betty:  Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I separated maturity is something I 

        look for in a man.



{Oliver and Betty exchange giggles.  Two audience members in the front row 

greet them with "Hi Olie!" "Hi Betty!"}



Neely:  Hi Betty.



Betty:  Hello Neely.



Neely:  You keep up that high standard of interview and I'm gonna have to 

        include you in Farley's documentary.  You're so probing!



Oliver: A free thinker?



Betty:  Everything's free there.



Kirk:   Hi Betty? The usual?



Betty:  Plus one.





Kirk:   [hereyago.]  Hi Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?



Cop:    Sure am.  This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour.



FlrMgr: Yeah.



Kirk:   Yeah?



Cop:    Yeah!  This could be a major step forward for him.



FlrMgr: Yeah, a leap in the dark.  I better go check on the Bert, otherwise.



Cop:    Right.



Betty:  Good luck.



{Scene shift to Wardrobe Mistress and Makeup Lady  getting Bert ready.  

Announcer's voice starts and Bert motions for them to get away.  Once they are 

off screen Bert begins walking towards the studio floor.}



MaleAnncr:      And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a 

        perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet, tossing the uproarious 

        salad of life, Marriage Maze host Bert Schniks!



{Bert takes a bite of the air}



FlrMngr:        Three seconds



{Audience cheers as Bert dances in.}



Bert:   Hoopla Denton!



Audience:       Hoopla Bert!



{Audience cheers more}



Bert:   Thank you.  Welcome.  Thank you.  Before we start I want to say 

        one or two words about tomorrow nights great new show "The 

        Faith Factory Show."  {Audience ooooohs}  And as a matter of fact 

        we have in the studio audience tonight the host and his lovely co-

        host.  Give a big hand please to Ralph Hapshadt and the vivacious 

        Macy Struthers.



{Ralph and Macy stand in the audience a row in front of Brad and Janet as the 

audience cheers.}



Brad:   Hey Ralph!



Janet:  Brad!



Bert:   Lets get a camera in there for heavens sake.  Over the moon about 

        that commercial Macy.



Macy:   Thanks Bert.



Bert:   And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night Ralph?



Ralph:  Ah, you bet Bert. {snaps his fingers on his right hand while saying 

        this}



Bert:   Good!  I'm gonna be there.  Ain't we all viewers?



{Camera to Kirk's Coffee Corner}



Betty:  Macy Struthers with my husband.  God I must have been blind.  

        Still, the weaker the man the dumber the blonde.



Oliver: Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience?  {Camera 

        on Brad and Janet}  What an ideal couple they are.  You know 

        more than anyone else in Denton they represent the old values. 

        {Camera back to Oliver}  Ike would've been proud of them.



Bert:   And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of 

        their marriage, and cooked their goose, step this way please.  You!



{Bert points out to audience.  Camera leads in onto Brad and Janet}



Janet:  That's us Brad!



Bert:   Come on.  What's cooking up there.  Come on down you guys.  

        Lets feel you.



Brad:   I'm not going Janet.



Janet:  We've got to.  Everyone is watching.



{Brad and Janet get pulled out of their seats and led down the aisle to the 

stage by the floor manager as two audience drones immediately fill their seats.}



Bert:   Face the cameras.  Face the cameras.  Now, introduce yourselves.



{Brad and Janet simultaneously introduce themselves and the audience laughs.  

Camera on Farley watching from his office}



Janet:  I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad.



Bert:   Hey Brad, we've been hearing some bad things about you.  Haven't 

        we Janet?



{Camera flashes to Kirk's Coffee Corner  Kirk laughs.  Camera goes back to 

Janet}



Bert:   Haven't we Janet?



Janet:  Uh, uh yes, uh he needs help.



Brad:   Help?  Lets face it Janet, Brads an emotional cripple!



{Audience laughs, Brad laughs, Kirk laughs}



Janet:  I know, I know, its jus-



Bert:   It looks like rest home for this stupid old marriage hey?



{Audience cheers}



Bert:   Tell me Janet, you watch Dentonvale?



Janet:  Uh, yes I've caught it once or twice.



Bert:   That's right, DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those 

        perennial favorites Nation and Cosmo McKinley, neuro-specialist 

        par excelance.  I recommend, if you pardon my French Janet, that 

        you send Brad to them for treatment.



Janet:  Oh, uh, well uh I know he's a little boring but uh neuro specialists? 

        That sounds a little drastic.



Bert:   Aaah there's no use pussy footing around Janet.  We have to cut 

        quick and deep!



{Audience cheers.  Camera flashes Brad, Janet and then over to Kirk's stand}

 

Oliver: McKinley.  McKinley.



Betty:  Bert brought them over from Europe.



Oliver: Oh?



Betty:  They had a very popular series together.  Its still rerun in a lot of 

        countries.  You must have seen them in Dentonvale.



Oliver: No, I never watch that.



{Camera pans back to Marriage Maze}



Bert:   [There's no use wasting another moment]  but I'm afraid there's 

        only one solution, isn't there folks? {Floor Manager holds up sign 

        reading DENTONVALE}   One, two, three!



Aud:    Dentonvale!



Bert:   Hoopla!  Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet 

        want to play or pass.



FlrMgr: Great Bert



Bert:   Congratulations.  I think you've made a wise decision.



Janet:  But...  but I - 



Brad:   Janet, I'm...  I'm not going.



Janet:  What do you mean you're not going? You'll ruin the show.  Bert's 

        made all the arrangements -



Brad:   But I don't need treatment.



{Brad knocks over pitcher of water}



Bert:   But you do need glasses hey stupid? {Bert & Floor Manager laugh.  

        Bert eggs on the audience}  Doesn't he  customers?



Janet:  I am sick of being humiliated by you.  Bert's right, you're going.



<>{In this song the male announcer's 

voice can be heard in the background during Brad and Janet's verses.  In 

such cases his words are marked by parentheses  Items 

mentioned by Brad and Janet are demonstrated as they are 

mentioned}



MAncr:  It looks like Brad and Janet are heavily amazed today.  Here's 

        some more prizes to amaze, here on Marriage Maze.



Brad:   Dear blender, 

        (You won't blend into the background with this in your home)

        Oh won't you help a first offender.

        Oh, toaster.

        (Pop up in the popularity ratings)

        Don't you put the burn on me.

        (Look at this!)

        Refrigerator, why are we always sooner or later.

        Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.



        (Living on the knife edge)

        Dear knife drawer

        (Stay sharp with this keen knife enhancer)

        Now won't you help me to face life more

        Oh, trashcan

        (You can't can what the trashcan can)

        Don't you put the dirt on me.

        Oh percolator, why are we always sooner or later.

        (No toil no trouble)

        Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.



Janet:  Everything used to be okay,

        But I've been had.

        And Brad, I'm glad to say, is on his way.

        (Try a prize computer wise)

        Micro digital awaker, why are we always sooner or later

        Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.



        {Bert walks across the set}



        Shower curtain

        (Wash those blues away)

        Oh won't you help me to be certain.

        Oh toothpaste,

        (Arm yourself with - teeth)

        Don't you put the squeeze on me.

        Depilitator, why are we always sooner or later

        Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.



{Rick wheels in the wheelchair}



MAncr:  And now its back to Marriage Maze.  And for those of you who are 

        Dentonvale watchers here's our surprise guest.  Yes.  And here's 

        Bert!



Bert:   Hey folks, its Ricky from the rest home!



Ricky:  Hey Bert!



{Ricky slaps Bert five}



Bert:   Hey Ricky!



Ricky:  I've come for Mr. Majors.



Bert:   Brad will learn how to care in a surgical chair.



{Audience cheers}



Ricky:  Nothing uh serious I hope.



Janet:  Oh no no, just a routine checkup.



Bert:   Just a routine checkup hey viewers?



{Crowd laughs.  Janet sings one last verse}.



Janet:  Tell me spectator, why are we always sooner or later,

        Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.



{Brad gets wheeled out by Ricky and Janet follows}



MAncr:  Ha Ha Ha! Well, Bert's done it again, another rocky marriage is 

        headed for intensive care.



Bert:   The subject is committed.  {Music stops, cameras turn off and Bert 

        turns to Floor Manager}   As are we all.



{Dentonvale opening}



ShoAnncr:       Dentonvale, The Arrival.  Introducing Brad and Janet Majors.



{Camera to Cosmo and Nation in the Dentonvale office}



Cosmo:  Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you. I'm Dr. Cosmo 

        McKinley.  And this is my sister and colleague Dr. Nation McKinley.



Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.



Janet:  Well yes, we hav -



Brad:   Now, now, now listen ther- there's nothing really wrong with me.  

        Janet and I haven't been getting along too {Ricky injects Brad}  well 

        lately and I had a little - little trouble {Brad  looses track of what 

        he's saying and passes out on the table}



Janet:  Oh Brad!



Cosmo:  Oooh! {Checks Brads eyes}  Does he do this often?



Janet:  No, he's never done this before.



Cosmo:  Good.  then there's still hope.  Lots and lots of hope.



Nation: If anyone can help Brad we can.



{Nurse Ansalong steps into the room}



Janet:  Well he does need help.



Cosmo:  Ah, Nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.



Ansalong:       Oh that was real short notice, because the other monkeys -



Nation: Attend to Mr. Majors.



Cosmo:  Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with Mrs. Majors.  

        A contract to be {hits Nurse Ansalong on the ass with the papers}   

        signed.



Janet:  Could I do that later please?



Nation: Of course you can Mrs. Majors.



{Brad , Janet, Ansalong, and Ricky leave the room}



Ansalong:       {Whispering}   Sign the contract tomorrow.



{Cosmo hits his face on the door on the way out of the office chasing Janet}



Cosmo:  Ouch!  Mrs. Majors, just one or two details.  Does Brad have any 

        living relatives, any blood relatives?



Janet:  No he doesn't.  Can I take car of this later?



Nation: Of course.



{Nation hits Cosmo.}



Janet:  Why did you tell me not to sign now



Ansalong:       Well, that way you get the first day free.



{Camera goes to Farley, video screen, and then the studio.  Bert is at the 

Marriage Maze set with Harry and Emily}



MaleAnncr:      Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family 

        connection in the thirty second quiz.



Bert:   As Janet's parents this should be really easy.



Emily:  About Brad's family?



Bert:   Your last clue is . . . Mental Instability.  You have thirty seconds



Harry:  Mental instability?



Emily:  He was adopted you know.



Harry:  Oh yeah.  I had forgotten.



Emily:  Well I hadn't.  I was worried about inherited craziness when they 

        married.  I said to Janet "What do we know about his parents?"



Bert:   Which leads us to . . .



MAncr:  This afternoons surprise prize Bert which is a delirious stay in that 

        evergreen series "Happy Homes" with unlimited use of a new 

        dream kitchen.



Emily:  Infantile regression?



Bert:   You got it!



Emily:  I got it!  I got it!



Harry:  She got it! She got it!



Emily:  Oh, I got it!



Harry:  Hey Bert, how about that, she got it!



Bert:   Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss of 

        Denton.



{Harry is last seen jumping for joy with his right fist up.  Scene shifts to 

Farley in his office pointing to the screen}



Farley: Ha ha.



{Scene switches to Burt, Nation and Cosmo in the Dentonvale office.  Bert and 

Nation are watching an instant replay of Marriage Maze.  Cosmo is doing some 

filing.  On the TV screen is Emily screaming "I got it!"}



Bert:   She got it. She got it! They won!  Infantile regression.



Nation: Our specialty



Bert:   Your specialty!



Cosmo:  I can't wait to begin on him.  Really Bert, I don't know what we'd do 

        without you



Bert:   I must confess.  The decision to have Brad committed was not 

        strictly my own.



Cosmo:  No, of course.  Theres Janet.  But If she was so keen on getting 

        him in here, why wouldn't she sign the contract?



Bert:   No, it wasn't Janet exactly.  It was, in fact, your new sponsor.



Cosmo:  Sponsor?



Bert:   Dentonvale has been sold.



Cosmo:  Sold?



Nation: Dear old Bert settled everything.



Bert:   Yah! You endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your 

        research.  



Cosmo:  He!  {drawer slams shut}  How dare this person take advantage of 

        my weakness.



Nation: I don't think he intends to go that far.



{Bert and Nation burst out laughing.  Scene switches to the terminal ward.   

Ansalong has just left. Janet is singing to Brad while walking around his 

wheelchair.  Farley is watching from his office on his video monitor.}



<>



Janet:  If only you knew how to win some prizes

        If only you knew how to play

        If you could sleep nights

        And stop your crying

        Then you might find out I still love you in my own way.



        If that's not enough then I am so sorry I met you

        It was almost like leading you on.

        But there's more to it all

        Then just wringing your heart out over something 

        That keeps on going wrong.



        So don't tell me you love me

        How am I supposed to know what that means?

        No don't sell emotion

        You cant find devotion

        If you're falling apart at the seams



        I hope that you smile 

        When you reach your conclusion.

        I hope that you'll know just what to say.



        But if it should mean that the party is over

        You should know that I still love you

        You should know that I still love you

        You should know that I still love you

        In my own way.  In my own way.

        In my own way.  In my own way.



{Janet arrives at the set for "Happy Homes"}



Emily:  Oh my poor baby.



Janet:  Oh mom, its Brad. . . {Emily hugs Janet}



Emily:  I know, I know baby.  He's gonna get all the help he needs.  But in 

        the mean time, look, for you {Emily hands Janet a new pink outfit}. 

        Janet is impressed by it and tries to get in words of praise but Emily 

        keeps talking over her.  In the background the Farley Flavors 

        Fabulous Fast Food Commercial is being aired.}  They call it a new 

        look in an old favorite.  I copied it from the window on the world 

        show.  The Far East meets The Midwest.



Janet:  Mom its -



Emily:  Its just what the doctor ordered.  I know.  Come on in.  My Favorite 

        shows just started.



{Janet enters holding the new outfit}



Janet:  What show?



Emily:  Dentonvale.



{Emily closes the door.  Scene switches to Nurse Ansalong feeding Brad in the 

Terminal ward just after Ricky left.  Farley is still watching Brad.  And then

to a monitor showing the opening sequence screen to Happy Homes.  The  female 

announcer introduces the show}



FAncr:  Love Starts in the home and where better to find this than in 

        today's happy homes.  With guest star Janet Majors.



{Scene switches back to the Weiss's kitchen.   Emily is getting ready to pour a 

cup of coffee for Janet and herself.  On the TV screen is a commercial for a 

coffee maker.  According to Emily's last words, Dentonvale is being watched 

during this scene and Cosmo and Nation's voices can be heard in the 

background.  The lines that they say, and the words of the announcers during 

commercials in the show, are comparable to the characters thoughts with what is 

going on currently on screen during the taping of Happy Homes.   Cosmo and 

Nation's lines are marked off by parentheses and brackets respectively}



MAncr:  So if you're sick and tired of having the goodness boiled away out 

        of your coffee replace that old perk of yours with a coffee maker of 

        prestigious distinction and be the envy of all with a coffee maker 

        that says it all.



{Pan to the audience watching the taping of Happy Homes.  Janet's voice is 

heard on the speaker system}



Janet:  Oh, thanks.



{Pan back to the Weiss's kitchen.  Camera on back door.  Harry is entering 

wiping the sweat from his brow.}



FAncr:  When that man of yours comes in from the big outdoors with a 

        burning thirst that only Lake Michigan can satisfy, make sure that 

        there's a cold can of Troutmeister light in the icebox.  He'll thank 

        you for it.  And he'll thank Troutmeister.



{With nothing to drink in the refrigerator, Harry takes off his hat and 

practices his putting behind Janet and Emily.  Janet has now changed into the 

new outfit her mother gave her.}



Harry:  Oh for crying out loud Emily leave her alone.  She's not a kid.  (I 

        want you to   )



Emily:  Well I wanted to see her in it.



Janet:  Its really very nice.



Emily:  The material is imported (imported) - Taiwanese (Taiwanese).



Harry:  Damn it Emily, she's not interested. [Janet seems to be 

        uninterested]



Emily:  What are you trying to do Harry, start an argument? (exactly) Don't 

        you want your daughter to look pretty?  [does he?]



Harry:  Who's she got to look pretty for? 



Emily:  She's got a husband.



Harry:  She's got a weirdo!  I've never been able to afford the time to have 

        a nervous breakdown. (That leaves so little time for a complete 

        breakdown)



Janet:  Oh, poor Brad.  [yes, poor]



Emily:  Thank God he was born an orphan.  (ha ha ha)  It would have 

        killed his parents. (Thank goodness)  And thank goodness he 

        hasn't ended up like that Slibstrini boy.



Harry:  What are you talking about.  Danny Slibstrini is a chip off the old 

        block.  [(laughter )] Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father 

        just last week and Hank says that Danny's moves to New York to 

        better himself.



Emily:   He moved alright.  [good move, yes that's right]  And they found 

        him at the back of Wilson's bakery, naked, with fifteen other men. 

        (there were others involved)



Janet:  Mexicans.



{Harry puts on a face of disgust and disbelief, misses the putt, throws his 

putter, grabs his hat and heads for the door.}



Harry:  [Don't get tense] (I'm not getting tense)  I'm gonna catch up on a 

        few jobs that need doing outside.



{Harry slams door}



MaleAnncr:      We return to Dentonvale after this important message.



Emily:  You shouldn't have said that.



Janet:  But why?



Emily:  Your father doesn't like Mexicans.  



{Scene changes to a shot of the crowd.  Emily's last line is repeated over PA 

system.}



Audience:       YEAH!!!



<>



{Scene switch to the Weiss's garage door opening up.  Harry is starting his 

lawnmower}



Harry:  A man should call the toss

        Wear the pants,

        And be the boss!

        A man should be the drake 

        For his own damn sake.

        

        And men should be the misters

        And the masters of their sisters

        A man should be the reason 

        For a heart to break.

        

Mrnes:  So, be moral

        Don't quarrel

        Fair and square is best 





Women:  Let me alert you

        That virtue

        Won't hurt you

        or desert you



Men:    If you wear hair on your chest



Aud:    So always remember to follow the rules.



Marnes: Box clever



Men:    Jock's never



Harry:  {takes off golf hat}  Hock another jock's tools! {Puts on helmet 

        and starts up mower}



        A man should wax a car

        And fix a fuse

        And tend a bar.

        A man should like his brow 

        To be wet with sweat.

        

        And should know the right occasions

        To indulge in tax evasions

        A man should know the settings

        That his spark plugs get.

        

        Faggots are maggots!

        Thank god I'm a man.

        

{As he sings this last verse Harry salutes and the garage door closes to reveal 

the Presidential seal.  Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room.  Ansalong 

is wheeling in a cart of fruit and wine.  At the table sit Bert, Nation and 

Cosmo}



Bert:   What a meal!  Scrumptious mine leibeling.  I insist on the recipe.



Nation: Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed. {whispers}  secrets.



Cosmo:  With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV dinners from 

        now on.



Bert:   Farley is already a TV winner as we shall see {pushes a button 

        after we and see.  Ricky wheels in a TV set}  Dentonvale will run 

        forever now that his interests has embraced . . . mental hygiene.

        

Nation: Our field.



{Scene switch to the Research Lab.  Oliver and Betty are siting discussing the 

events of the movie thus far}



Oliver: You know I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy.



Betty:  Conspiracy?



Oliver: Mm hmm



Betty:  That sounds a little far fetched



Oliver: Oh I don't know.  Remember Lieutenant Orpheous?  He 

        disappeared into that underworld series and never came back.



Betty:  Sounds like my husband.  he never came back either.



Oliver: Ha ha ha.



Betty:  Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.



Oliver: Ah yes, Farley flavors.  You know I find it remarkable that his Faith 

        Factory is being financed by an entire nations indigestion. Ha ha 

        ha ha ha.



{Scene shift back to Dentonvale conference room}



Bert:   Who do you think gave you the next episode? Bert hand nation a 

        folder with a red heart on the front with the words "The Brad and 

        Janet Show"  written on it.  It is reminiscent of the "I love Lucy 

        show}   So that Janet will be free to front line the new Faith Factory 

        Show.



Cosmo:  We're the experts.



Bert:   Who trusts eh eh experts?



Nation: Why Janet?



Bert:   Everyone loves the girl next door. {Bites into and apple}  

        Particularly Farley.



Nation: So it seems.



{Bert and Nation burst out laughing.  Bert sprays apple bits all over Cosmo who 

apparently doesn't get the joke.  Scene shift back to Research Lab.  Knock at 

the door}



Betty:  Come in.  {laughter}



Ralph:  Oh hi.



Oliver: Hi.



Betty:  Hi.



Ralph:  Oh, I just came to give you this Betty.  {Ralph hands her an 

        envelope}



Betty:  Oh well thank you.



Ralph:  You're welcome



Macy:   {enters the door}  Hi.



Oliver: Hi.



Ralph:  Hi.



Betty:  Hi.



Ralph:  Oh we'd better get going.  Tomorrow's the big one and uh  Farley 

        expects.



Oliver: Oh, you bet.



Ralph:  Uh huh.



Oliver: Uh huh.



Ralph:  I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.



Betty:  Bye.



Oliver: Bye.



Macy:   Bye.



Ralph:  Bye.



Oliver: Bye.



{Door shuts.  Betty gets up, opens the door and calls t o Ralph}



Betty:  Oh Ralph.



Ralph:  Yes?



Betty:  Shove it!



Ralph:  Oh you shove it too Betty!



{Betty slams the door and walks back to her seat}



Betty:  Alimony is just another word for rape.  {Opens the envelope} 

        Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is. . . {sitting}



Oliver: Closed. {Drops a tack into his stationary holder}



<>



{Dentonvale opening}



ShoAnncr:       Dentonvale,  special guest star: Janet Majors.



{Cosmo & Nation chime "Janet!" simultaneously as Janet enters the conference 

room}



Janet:   I've come to see Brad.



Nation: That's out of the question.  He's sleeping like a baby.



Cosmo:  Its you we're concerned about Janet.



Nation: Yes Janet.  How are you?  Are you happy?



Janet:  Well I'm happy.



Cosmo:  There are countless people in this world Janet who believe that 

        they're happy



Nation: But they only think that they're happy.



Janet:  Oh well that doesn't make any sense.



Bert:   {walks over to the TV set}  This might, Janet.  {Turns on the TV}



Farley: {On TV}  And a big Denton welcome to my new delegation.  This is 

        Farley and I'm here with the score.  We're gonna package and sell 

        some mental health for the nation.  With my dream of the girl next 

        door.



<>



{For this song Bert is behind Janet.  Janet is sitting in a chair in front of 

the TV watching it.  Cosmo, Nation, Ricky and Ansalong are on near and 

generally around the TV set.  They make up the choir and their verses are 

marked so}



Farley: Oh why aren't they doing

        Tomorrow's new dance steps

        The way they used to yesterday?

        And who draws a perfect circle anymore?



        And if your waiting for greatness

        To shake hands with you

        You'd better daydream your life away

        I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure.

        

Choir:  Your not just looking at a fast food king

        Just another well known face

        Your not looking at the king of anything

        

{Nurse Ansalong climbs on top of the TV set}



Farley: I'm gonna shoot for the moon

        I'm gonna play high noon

        I'm gonna take on the entire human race.



Choir:  You're not looking at a king



Farley: You're looking at an ace!



        I've got the sight

        And I've seen the light

        And I'm gonna see the coming day

        When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me.



        I'm gonna take some time

        And rock some rhyme

        Oh its gonna take you're breath away

        You'll be the front page rage of the age just wait and see.



Choir:  Your not just looking at a fast food king

        Just another well known face

        Your not looking at the king of anything

        

Farley: We're gonna shoot for the moon

        We're gonna play high noon

        We're gonna take on the entire human race.



Choir:  You're not looking at a king



Farley: Oh no no no no - you're looking at an ace!



Choir:  You're looking at an ace!



Farley: You're looking at a goddamn ace!



Choir:  You're looking at an ace!



Farley: You're looking at an ace!



Choir:  You're looking at an ace!



Farley: You're looking at an a - a - a - a - ace!



Nation: I just love home movies.  Don't you?



Farley: Times tight Janet

        Do it right Janet

        Until tomorrow night - Janet?



Janet:  Well, Farley Flavors is - fairly flattering.  {Janet chuckles and then 

        stands}   But, I wanna see Brad.



Nation: But the question is Janet does Brad want to see you?  Quite frankly 

        he hates you.  



Janet:  What do you mean?



Cosmo:  Brad is harboring deep feelings of hostility towards you Janet.



Janet:  Towards me?



Cosmo:  Its classical.  {Ricky and Ansalong wheel out the TV}  Almost a - 

        textbook case.



Janet:  Oh no! {starts crying and buries face in her hands}



Cosmo:  That's an extremely negative response.



Nation: Yes Janet, leave the crying to Brad.



Janet:  Is it because I'm becoming too popular?



Bert:   On the contrary Janet.  He wants to see your ratings soar!  He 

        needs a woman of exceptional desirability.



Nation: So you see Janet, you can help us to help him.



Janet:  Maybe I can.



{Scene switch to Terminal Ward.  Ansalong  is just leaving and Ricky is locking 

Brads cage.  Brad sits in his chair in a straitjacket doing his washing machine 

impersonation.  Scene switch to Farley watching on his TV.  Scene switch to 

Betty and Oliver in the research lab throwing away Reagan propaganda.}



FlrMngr:        {Over PA system}  Standby for Faith Factory rehearsal.



Betty:  I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.



Oliver: Uh huh.



Betty:  We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips.  



Oliver: Now Betty don't over react.



Betty:  Over react?  You're the one with theories about conspiracies.  

        Oliver?



Oliver: Yes Betty?



Betty:  Are you spoken for this evening?



{Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room.  Cosmo and Nation are reading 

folders.}



Bert:   {taps his cane on the table to get everyone's attention}  Alright you 

        guys.  An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut on Good Morning 

        Denton.  By the time we unveil Farley's Faith Factory Show we will 

        have all earned our beauty sleep.



Janet:  Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?



Bert:   Home?



Janet:  Home.



Nation: This is the nerve center of operations Janet.  You must stay here 

        tonight.  That way we can all be together when Mr. Sun paints us a 

        new day with his golden brush.



Cosmo:  And you can peep in on Brad in the morning.



Bert:   Morning?



{Enter Nurse Ansalong and Ricky}



Nation: Are all the beds made up?



Anslng: Oh yes, I plumped up all the pillows and changed up all th-



Cosmo:  Then lock up for the night.



Anslng: Okay!



{Exit Ansalong and Ricky.  Scene shift to outside the studio.  The Cop is

walking around and securing the perimeter.  The camera moves up onto a fire 

escape where Oliver and Betty are entering}



Oliver: Clever of you to find this spot Betty



Betty:  It pays to know your way around Oliver.  I thought the Home Of 

        Happiness would give your theory a new perspective.



Oliver: {sits down}  A stately pleasure home indeed.



Betty:  Oh!  I adore Coleridge Taylor! As a matter of fact {Betty rummages 

        through her handbag and pulls out a book}  

                It is an ancient mariner,

                And he stoppeth one of three

                By thy long grey beard

                And glittering eye

                Now wherefore stopp'st, thou me?



{Oliver smiles at Betty.  Scene changes to Janet brushing her teeth with 

Ansalong in the back by the door.  Janet spits}



<>



{This song is seen through the windows of Dentonvale.  As each character is 

singing we "peep in" on what is going on just before they go to sleep.  From 

left to right the rooms contain Ricky & Ansalong,  Janet,  Bert, and Cosmo & 

Nation.  The first room to sing is Cosmo and Nation's}



Nation: I feel the heat from your skin

        And the stubble on your chin

        You're no good.



Cosmo:  You're no good.



Nation: You've got dirt on your hands 

        And everybody understands

        You're no good.



Cosmo:  You're no good.



Nation: Oh what a joke



Cosmo:  What a joke



Nation: You feel like choking

        You play for broke



Cosmo:  You play for broke



Nation: He'll leave you smoking



Cosmo:  Oh, romance is not a children's game. {whip}



Nation: But you keep going back.  

        Its driving you insane.



{Camera goes past Bert's window.  Bert is sitting on his bed with a Lab coat  

on in place of his Jacket.  Camera goes to Janet's window}



Janet:  Drift into 

        The Treacle deep

        Slip into its silent depths

        {whisper}  Go to sleep

        With your every thane akimbo 

        Float into the sandman's limbo.



{Camera shift to Ansalong and Ricky.  Ricky is taking pictures of Ansalong in 

her teddy}



Ansalong:       Night night.



Ricky:  Night night.



Anslng: Its time for bye bye. 

        Its been a great day, thanks a heap.

        Now its time for every one to go to sleep. 



Aud:    Night night

        Its time for bye bye. 

        Its been a great day, thanks a heap.

        Now its time for every one to go to sleep. 





{During this last verse, camera is panning right showing all the rooms.  Is 

goes past Cosmo and Nations room and on to show Brad in his wheel chair 

sitting in the terminal ward alone.  Before the music ends the scene shifts 

to the Audience passed out in their seats.  At the end of the music the scene 

shifts to the fire exit balcony that Oliver and Betty are on.  Oliver is asleep

and snoring and Betty is still reading to him.  The cop is still lurking around

securing the area}



Betty:  He went like one

        That hath been stunned

        And is of sense forlorn.

        A sadder and a wiser man

        He rose the morrow morn.



{Cop finds something and turns on the light waking Oliver and startling Betty.

 He holds it up for them to see.}



Cop:    Does this bird belong to you?



{Betty shrieks in terror and throws her book.  Scene shift to Bert's room.  His 

white Beta alarm clock is going off at 6:45 A.M..  He gets up, shuts the alarm 

clock grabs his cane and sets out looking for Janet.  First he checks her room 

and then the bathroom.}



Bert:   Janet?  Are you decent, Janet?



{Bert sees Janet in the shower, even though he's supposedly blind, takes off 

his glasses and goes in for a closer look.  Nation steps in before he does}



Nation: Hoopla Bert!  Nice to see you up an about.  Macs waiting in the 

        wardrobe Janet.



Janet:  Uh huh.



{Bert puts his glasses back on}



Nation: {to Bert}   Care to join me in a non sex act?



{Bert nods.  Scene shifts to Terminal Ward.  Ansalong is leaving.  Ricky has 

just shut Brad's cell door.  Brad is gagged and screaming.  Scene shift to the 

wardrobe room.  Cosmo is walking around in a Napoleon jacket over his normal 

green hospital outfit.  In the room are costumes and props used elsewhere in 

this movie and also in RHPS.   For example the cheerleaders booties,  a 

transylvanian coat, etc...  Cosmo is reading a folder containing directions 

on how to make a dress.  Janet steps in and looks around.}



Janet:  Good morning.  {Still doesn't see Cosmo}  I wanna see Brad.



{Cosmo steps in front of her showing her a mirror}



Cosmo:  Look at yourself.  You're beautiful.  The most desirable creature 

        that ever walked.



Janet:  Oh if only Brad could have found it within himself to say those 

        things to me.



Cosmo:  He will.  But its up to you to reawaken his feelings.  Farley's given 

        you that chance.  You can use the breakfast show to knock Denton 

        dead.



Janet:  Do you really think so?



Cosmo:  Everybody needs you.



Janet:  Hmm.  But what'll I do?  What'll I say?



Cosmo:  Hmm?



Janet:  What'll I wear?



Cosmo:  Aha!



<>



Cosmo:  Ever since I was a little boy

        Dressing up has always been my greatest joy

        But when its time to be discreet

        There's one thing you just can't beat

        And that's a strapless backless classical little black dress.

        

        Well first you go rip rip rip,

        Then you go snip snip snip

        Then you whip in a zip zip zip

        And split it up to the hip hip hip

        And as you strip strip strip

        You shiver, quiver for that soft caress

        As you slip slip slip

        Into that little black dress.



Nation: Ah, hoopla.



{Scene shift to Bert and Nation going into Janet's dressing room.}



Bert:   Ever since I was the eina kliena heiren

        It was the cordon bleu

        For which I am most caring

        And the one taste treat so sweet

        That really can't be beat

        Is what we have ya, how you are, caviar, that little black mess.



{Cosmo and Janet burst in just after Bert scoops in a mouthful of caviar}



Cosmo:  Hey!  Viola!



{Bert and nation are blown away in amazement}



Janet:  Well first you go rip rip rip

        Then you go snip snip snip

        Then you whip in a zip zip zip

        Split it up to the hip hip hip

        {Janet gets up on the table and starts dancing and breaking things}

        Then as you strip strip strip

        You quiver, shiver for that soft caress

        As you slip slip slip

        Into that little black dress.



        That minimal (minimal) criminal (criminal) siniful

        Little black dress



Nation: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back



Bert:   Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back



B&N:    Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back



Janet:  That minimal (minimal) criminal (criminal) siniful

        Little black dress



{Scene shift to studio floor.  Floor Manager is trying to wake up the 

Audience.  Oscar Drill and the Bits pass behind him.}



FlrMngr:        {whistles}  Good morning Denton.  Rise and shine.  She'll be 

        here any second now so lets give her a great big hand.



{Audience cheers as Janet, Cosmo, Nation and Bert dance their way down the 

stairs to  <>.  A crowd has gathered at the bottom 

of the stairs to greet them}



Neely:  Oh Janet I can't tell you how excited I am.  For you.  We've got the 

        band and dancers and dry ice standing by.  Betty Hapshadt is 

        indisposed so Macy'll have to do the introductions.



Janet:  Oh I don't need introductions.



{Camera to Betty and Oliver watching from above.  Camera to Macy giving Janet 

an introduction at the Good Morning Denton set}



Macy:   The fabulous.  The golden.  The very wonderful.



{Scene shift to Betty and Oliver watching from above}



Betty:  I knew it!



{Scene shift to cheerleaders in tutus on screen}



Chldrs: Janet Janet Janet Janet



<>

{One interesting thing in this song is Farley's reactions to what Janet is 

doing.  He is watching this all from his office}



Janet:  There's just the two of me

        Alone at last together

        We've got the luck so far

        We are my lucky star

        {Echo on "star"  Janet has a "What the hell is going on" look on her 

        face.  Cheerleaders start to dance away from her.   Janet starts 

        getting into the music}





        Deep in the heart of me

        I love every part of me

        All I can see in me

        Is the danger and ecstasy

        One thing there couldn't be

        Is any more me in me

        

{Floor manager passes in front of Janet and she drops down}

Chrldrs:        This is the me of me

        Me me me!



{Janet jumps up from behind monitor.  Farley gets startled.}



Janet:  Me me

        Me me me

        Me me me

{Janet throws hat into the audience.  Farley licks his lips}



        I am my destiny.

        Je croie en toujour en moi.  Ha ha ha

        I'd never lie to me.

        I'd be willing to die for moi.

{Janet begins wrecking band setup}

        I'll pray every day to me.

        And here's what I'd says to me

{Farley fumbles with his cigar}



Chrldrs:        This is the me of me

        Me me me!



{After every line of Janet's next verse the scene flashes to Farley's office 

to show Farley going nuts over Janet}



Janet:  Me me

        Me me me

        Me me me

        Me me me

        Ohh me me

        Me me me

        Ohhhh me me

        Look at me Moi Moi



{Frankie the cheerleader knocks over the pillars that are in back of Janet.  

Scene shifts back to Farley's office showing Farley giving an "Ahh" of 

approval.  Camera to Betty leaving the top level.  Scene goes back to Macy 

concluding the segment.}



Macy:   And, you can see and hear Janet tonight on Faith Factory, brought 

        to you by Farley Flavors.



{Camera moves back to show Oscar getting his guitar back from Janet, touching 

her face, then her left arm and walking off.  Various members of the band and 

floor cast quickly congratulate Janet and quickly walk off to the left.  Bert,

Nation and Cosmo come to congratulate her}



Bert:   Out of self came selflessness



Nation: You revealed yourself, the real you, the secret you.



Cosmo:  And you liked what you saw didn't you Janet.



Janet:  Well I - 



Betty:  How's Brad?



Janet:  Oh well if he caught my act he'll be looking good! {Bert Nation and 

        Cosmo laugh.  Wardrobe mistress walks by and hands Janet her 

        hat.}   It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to give him another 

        spoonful.  Check ya later Betty.  Gotta freshen up.



{Janet, Nation, Bert and Cosmo walk off, passing Betty.  Cosmo laughs 

arrogantly.  Scene switches to Kirk's coffee corner.  Harry, Emily and the 

floor manager are on line}



Kirk:   Gee, how 'bout that.  Janet was a knockout!



Emily:  Thank you



Kirk:   Yeah, she was terrific.  Sexeeeey!



Harry:  What!



Kirk:   At the same time, fresh, untouched, you know.  Hey how's Brad?



H&E:    He's fine {they look at each other simultaneously.  Harry grabs his 

        coffee and Kirk picks up the sugar for him}



Kirk:   Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife.



Harry:  Yeah, he sure is.  No sugar.  Thanks Kirk.



Kirk:   {to Floor Manager}   Well I'll sugar his daughter's.



Betty:  Coffee Kirk, I'm dying for it.



Kirk:   {Puts Betty's cup down on the counter upside down}  R.I.P. Betty.  

        Your off the air.



{Betty and Oliver walk over to the research lab}



Betty:  What's happening here?  Janet's on the breakfast show.  Brad's 

        committed to a nowhere series and we've been {having trouble with 

        her key} 



Oliver: Written out?



{Dentonvale opening.  During this scene Brad 's words, although sometimes 

understandable, are still muffled, because he is gagged.  His words are marked 

off by brackets.  Farley is occasionally seen glancing in on the scene through 

the video wall.}



ShAncr: Dentonvale, {Scene shift to the terminal ward.  Emily is opening the 

        shades,  Harry is practicing his putting, and Brad is still bound and 

        gagged in his wheelchair in the cage.}  The Mission of Mercy.  

        Starring the increasingly popular Janet Majors. {Enter Janet}



Janet:  Hi Mommy!  Hi Daddy!  Hi Brad, I've just come to tell you how 

fabulous I am.  



Brad:   [Janet!]



Emily:  Janet!  Where's that lovely dress I made you?



Janet:  Oh well Mac just whipped up this little crowd pleaser.



Harry:  Why, you're practically naked!



Janet:  Well I can't wear anything under it Daddy.  It would spoil the line.



Brad:   {angry]   [Spoil the line?! - - -]



Emily:  My God Janet.  How can you say such things.  Look at Brad.  Look 

        what they've done to him.



{Enter Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky}



Cosmo:  Aah! Janet's parents?



Harry:  Are you the doctor?



Cosmo:  Yes.



Harry:  There's gonna have to be an investigation



Cosmo:  Oh?



Harry:  There are regulations against this sort of thing



Janet:  Its for his own good.



Bert:   Hoopla Janet!



Janet:  Bert! Sweetheart! Oh its fabulous to see you!



{Dentonvale crew starts clapping in joy.  Janet and Bert go to sit down on the 

couch.  Harry is still confused}



Harry:  What's going on here?



Janet:" {Sitting down with Bert} . . . yes, of course



Bert:   I adore that color



{Brad grumbles.  Camera goes to Cosmo leading he Weisses into the cell with 

him}



Cosmo:  The patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.



Nation: We  only want what's best for him.  As parents you must 

        understand.



Harry:  No.  No I don't.  Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey.  

        There are drugs to keep him quiet.



Nation: We used them, all of them.



Emily:  And none of them worked?



Nation: No.



Harry:  Then double the strength.



Nation: We did.



Cosmo:  We know our job.



{Farley watches in}



Nation: We also know how you feel.  We're not strangers to confusion.



{Farley laughs}



Emily:  We're not confused.



Harry:  Well I am goddamn it {back to Terminal Ward}  You trust Brad with 

        this crowd pleaser?



<>



Cosmo:  I'm not a locum with motives to suture myself

        I've been a cynic for too many years

        Playing doctor and nurse

        It can't be good for your health

        I've seen clinics, with those gimmicks

        In Tangiers.



Nation: But if you open your heart to a smooth operator

        He'll take you for all that you've got

        He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later

        It'll shake ya the way he takes off 

        Like a shot.



Cosmo:  You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

        Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.

        You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

        So look out mister,  don't you blow your last resistor 

        For a vista that'll mystify ya!



Anslng: You're blinded by romance you're blinded by science.

        You're condition is critically grave.

        But don't expect mercy from such and alliance.

        Suspicion of traditions so new wave.

        

{Ricky is taking pictures of the people on the couch for this verse}

Cosmo:  You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

        Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.

        You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

        So look out mister,  don't you blow your last resistor 

        For a vista that'll certify ya!  fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!  

        

{Everyone gets up and dances around Brad's cage.  Farley is dancing in his 

office.  Betty and Oliver are watching from above}



Betty:  Look at that!  Bert Schniks dancing!  Bert can see!



Oliver: Macabre isn't it.  The blind leading the blind.



{Everyone dances out of the Terminal Ward and the song ends.  Scene switches 

to the studio floor where Ralph  welcomes Janet to the Faith Factory rehearsal.

A large picture of Farley is being carried in}



Ralph:  Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.



Janet:  Thank you.



Ralph:  We're all really excited about tonight.



Janet:  Oh!  Do I get one of those? {referring to the giant picture}



Ralph:  Uh, yes.  Yes of course you do.



{Janet is being greeted by loyal fans. Much commotion.  Audience is chanting 

"Janet, Janet, We want Janet".  Farley is watching from his office}



Janet:  Hi kids, Hi.  Oh really?



Ralph:  Macy, why don't you take Janet and help her freshen up before the 

rehearsal?



Macy:   Sure.

{The  crowd that has gathered around her gets upset.}



Crowd:  Aw no. . .



{Crowd follows her.  In the crowd are band members.  Frankie approaches 

Ralph}



Frankie:        Ralph, you promised me an introduction.



Ralph:  Later Francine.



Frankie:        {upset}  Frankie!



Ralph:  Bert, could you spare a moment?



Bert:   Of course.



{Bert, Ralph, and Floor manager step aside.  Camera goes to the winding 

staircase.  Audience is still chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet!".  The crowd

of band members and camera crew have followed her.  Neely stops her just before 

she goes upstairs}



Neely:  Janet a quick word.  Could you tell our viewers what exactly you 

        will be representing tonight?



Janet:  Uh - Sanity For Today.



{crowd claps}



Oscar:  Wow!



Neely:  And that's the word from Janet Majors,  DTV's newest star.{In 

        background}  Okay guys lets move on



{Camera goes behind steps to Bert, Ralph, and Floor Manager.



Ralph:  How's Brad?



Bert:   He's a wreck.



Ralph:  Check.  The quacks are willing tools?



Bert:   Aaah,  The quacks are fools.



Ralph:  Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors



Bert:   Its time to check with Flavors.



{Bert pulls an antenna out of his cane making it a walkie talkie he blows into 

it to test it.  Scene shifts to Farley's office.    Farley picks up the 

phone.  The crowd is chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet" in the background 

over the phone.}



Farley: Shoot.



{Scene shifts to Janet's dressing room.  Nation and  Cosmo are at the bar.  

Macy is making sure Janet is ready.  "Carte Blanche" is played in the 

background.}



Macy:   Is there anything else you'd like Janet?



Janet:  Yeah, a new carpet.  I hate the color.  Don't you?



{Macy checks her clipboard and leaves.  Whenever the door opens the crowd is 

heard chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet!"}



Nation: Its only one night Janet.  Don't forget who we're doing this for.



Janet:  Who?



Cosmo:  Brad.



Janet:  Y'know I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that emotional 

        cripple.  I've got a lot going for me.  I'm going places.  I'm gonna be 

        someone.  I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of the 

        people even if I have to kill to do it.  I'll make the pathetic little 

        crones love me.  I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here 

        with you I should be with my people.  



{Janet gets up and walks out to the balcony near the winding staircase.  The 

audience is still chanting.  At the bottom of the stairs is the band.  The 

crowd goes wild when Janet comes out}



Band:   Hey Janet!



Glitch: Girl, you're great.



Janet:  Oh well thanks.



Frankie:        Hi, my name's Frankie.



Band:   Francine!



Frankie:        And I think you're beautiful.



{Scene shift to dressing room.  Nation and Cosmo are putting pills in a drink 

for Janet.  Scene back to the band}



Brenda: Hi.  I'm Brenda.  This is my brother Oscar and this is our friend 

Glitch Davidson.



Glitch: Janet we really enjoyed being on the breakfast show with you this 

        morning. . .



{Janet waves to the audience and they go wild.  Glitch's words subsequently are 

drowned out.  Nation comes in with the drink}



Nation: This is Janet.  She's a phenomenon.



{Janet takes a sip}

<>



Janet:  So if you're looking for a 

        Standard to which you can aspire

        Then baby

        Look at me!

        Oh oh oh!

        Look at me!



{Janet stumbles}



Nation: I think you need a little rest.  You've got a big night ahead of you.



{Nation walks Janet off stage}



Frankie:        Your clothes are real neat.



{Door closes.  Scene shifts to in Macy and Ralph being interviewed at the 

bottom of the stairs by Neely.  The band passes by chanting "Janet Janet we 

want Janet" in the background}



FlMgr:  {Over PA system}  Reminder, wardrobe check for Faith Factory 

        medical outfits.



Macy:   Aren't they great?  But getting back to Faith Factory, all in all it 

        looks like an exciting new series for us.



Ralph:  Yes, and a attractive financial prospect for Denton.



Neely:  And fashion wise?



{Camera switch to Betty on the phone.  Oliver is on the phone next to her}



Betty:  What did I tell you?



Macy:   Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a new 

        look.  It will show off one or two old faces in an exciting new light.



Neely:  Really?  Sounds interesting.



Betty:  Did you hear that Oliver?



Oliver: Yes Betty.  The false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a 

        most bloody sunset.



Ralph:  No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can be 

        sure of one thing, it all starts right here.



Neely:  Thank you.  And that's the word from Ralph Hapshadt and Macy 

        Struthers.



{Cameras on Betty and Oliver near the directional sign for the wardrobe room}



Betty:  Oh Oliver.



Oliver: hmm?



Betty:  What are we going to do?  



Oliver: Care to indulge?



Betty:  Indulge?



Oliver: Uh huh.  In a little um - masquerade.



Betty:  Oh.



FlMgr:  {Over PA system}  Final reminder.  Wardrobe check for Faith 

        Factory medical outfits.  Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical 

        outfits.



{Dentonvale opening}



ShAncr: Dentonvale,  Parental Predicament.



{Scene shift to Terminal Ward right near Brad.  Harry is pacing and holding a 

pair of sunglasses}



Emily:  Harry, what are we gonna do?



Harry:  I don't know Emily.  I'm worried.  Maybe I can wear those black 

        leather brogues.



Emily:  Too flashy.  They'll clash with the new outfits.



{Brad starts moaning}



Emily:  Alright Brad dear.  Have another sedative. {She fills his mouth with 

        pills}   We'll miss you on the show tonight.  



Harry:  And don't worry Brad.  {Puts glasses on}   I'll be back {Puts corn 

        cob pipe in his mouth.  Harry and Emily head for the door}  What 

        about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?



{Brad moans and passes out.  He begins hallucinating.  He sees Janet walk into 

the Terminal Ward}



Janet:  I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.



{Brad gets a "Huh?" look on her face.  Scene shifts to the dressing room where 

Janet is passed out on the couch with the drink in her hand and a slice of 

orange on her leg.  Nation comes by, takes the drink and eats the orange 

slice.  We now see Janet's hallucinations.  Bert's bedroom door opens.  He is 

sitting on the bed}



Bert:   Face it Janet.  Brad's an emotional cripple.



{Bert's door closes.  Cosmo and Nation's bedroom door opens.}



Cosmo:  Quite frankly,



Nation: He hates you



{Nation and Cosmo begin laughing hysterically.  Their door closes.  The camera 

begins to move closer on a still of Farley smiling on TV.  }



Farley: Times tight Janet

        Do it right Janet

        Until tonight - Janet?



{Janet imagines herself in Brads wheelchair in the Terminal Ward.  Brad walks 

in the door with drool all over his chin.}



Brad:   I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.



<>



Janet:  I'm on a cull de sac

        And I gotta go back

        So come on feet

        We're gonna hit the streets



        We've got it made

        I'm looking for trade



Brad:   {In wheelchair in terminal ward} I'm looking for love



Janet:  I'm looking for trade.

        I need some young blood

        I need some young blood

        I need it now.



        I need some young blood

        I need some young blood



Bnd&J:  And were gonna get it somehow.



Janet:  I'm on a dead end street

        I'm like a dog in heat

        I'm like a kid with no toys

        I wanna get those boys



        Oooh I can't delay

        I'm looking for trade.



Brad:   I'm looking for love



Janet:  I'm looking for trade.



        Oh were all living like there's no tomorrow

        And the way things are going that's probably true

        But without you and me sis

        The world would fall to pieces

        Vena Cava whos the raver?



Band:   Our raving savior that's you



Janet:  I'm on a primrose path

        I'm looking for a little laugh

        Remember its no fun

        To be the chosen one.



        There are games to be played

        Looking for trade.



Brad:   I'm looking for love



Janet:  I'm looking for trade.

        I need some young blood

        I need some young blood

        I need it now.



        Ohhh!  I need some young blood

        I need some young blood

        And I'm gonna get it somehow.

        

        I'm looking for trade.



{Crowd is heard chanting in the background.  Nation is waking up Janet, still 

asleep on the couch}



Nation: Janet?  Janet?  Wake up Janet.  You've got guests.  You can come 

        in now!



{The band enters}



Brenda: Hi Janet!



Frankie:        How are you feeling?



Janet:  Who are you?



Oscar:  The band!



Janet:  Do you have any friends?



Oscar:  Sure.



Janet:  You won't have soon.  What are you called -  your band?



Glitch: Oscar Drill and the Bits.



{Janet passes out with an "Ungh".  Scene switches to wardrobe room}.  

Wardrobe mistress is leaving.  When she leaves, Betty and Oliver come out of 

hiding.}



Oliver: Betty, its imperative we get Janet out of Farley's fast fingers and 

        Brad out of that hell hole, before they both disappear forever.



Betty:  I don't mind telling you Oliver, I'm not looking forward to this.



Oliver: If only I could place that name.  McKinley.  



Betty:  It was a president.



Oliver: Presidents.  Past presidents.  Betty, this is beginning to add up.



Betty:  Really?  {Tries to get on a name tag}  What do I pin this on?



Oliver: Faith Betty.  But make sure its your own.



{Scene shift to Farley's office.  Wardrobe mistress is putting on the finishing 

touches.  Cop has just entered}



W. Mistrss:     In a hurry Mr. Flavors?



Cop:    There's a little lady he doesn't want to keep waiting.  And a date.



W. Mistrss:     Who is Mr. Flavors?



Farley: The past.



{Cop lights Farley's cigar}

<>

{This song takes place in the wardrobe room>>



Emily:  Like a virgin, with an urgin, in a surgery

        I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me.



Harry:  The art will start when I play my part

        As a healer who will steal your heart



H&E:    Oh look what I did to my ID.

        Oh look what I did to my ID.



Cosmo:  With neurosis in perfusion



Nation: And psychosis in your soul



Cosmo:  Eliminate confusion

        

C&N:    And hide inside a brand new role!



Macy:   Like a good time girl I'm gonna try some new tricks



Ralph:  This could be the start of a whole new career



Macy:   Got a deep plumb lipstick and some therapeutics



Ralph:  This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.



Anslng: Got some heartfelt symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky



Ricky:  Young male intern tall and handsome



Anslng: Got my hems so high they'll think I'm being cheeky.



Ricky:  Legs like mine were really made for dancing



All:    Oh oh oh!  Hey hey hey!  



C&N:    When heavens in the music

        Hell is in control.

        The angel's got the voices

        But the Devil's got rock and roll!



All:    We may look we're phony medics

        But we took our look from a book by Frederick's



        Oh look what I did to my ID - ID!.

        Look what I did to my ID.





{Scene switch to Janet's dressing room}



Janet:  Oh Brad.



Nation: He's an emotional cripple remember?  Even he wouldn't like to see 

        you like this.



Neely:  Listen Ralph,  I just want to speak with someone.  If I don't get in 

        now, right now, there's going to be trouble!



Ralph:  Later Neely,  okay?



Neely:  Ralph!



{Ralph slams door}



Ralph:  How is she.  Well come on.  Farley's expecting her any minute.  

        You guys get your asses in front of those cameras and try and earn 

        yourselves a reputation, okay?  Well move!



Neely:  We just wanna ask a few questions.  We've gotta know what 

        happened!



Oscar:  These are for you Janet.



Glitch: They'll make you keel a whole lot better.



Oscar:  Yeah!



Nation: Amateurs.



Chrldrs:        Give us a J!



Aud:    J!



Chrldrs:        A!



Aud:    A!



Chrldrs:        N!



Aud:    N!



Chrldrs:        E!



Aud:    E!



Chrldrs:        Give us a T!



Aud:    T!



Chrldrs:        We can't hear you!



Aud:    Awww!!!



{Betty snoops around in the research room as the cheerleaders continue riling 

up the audience.  She searches under McKinley. Computer begins to beep as it 

comes up with information.}



Betty:  Oh my God!  Character actors?



Ralph:  {On PA system}  Ladies and gentlemen,  the studio band will soon 

        be here to entertain you in anticipation of tonight's premiere taping 

        {Cop taps on drum}  of Farley Flavor's Faith Factory!



{Audience cheers.  Scene switch back to Betty who is now snooping around for 

information about Farley Flavors.  Scene switch back to Neely.}



Neely:  And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion, you'll find 

        plenty to keep you going here tonight.  And naturally feeling the 

        excitement, and not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to 

        get a little outfit of my own together.  And this is it.



{Crowd claps.  Betty is now looking at microfilm of a newspaper}



Ralph:  Ladies and gentlemen,  to help get you in the mood for Faith 

        Factory, DTV proudly presents Denton's own - with a suburban 

        garage sound, lets hear it for Oscar Drill and The Bits!



Betty:  Oh Oliver.  This is one time charity didn't begin at home.



<>



Oscar:  I know how it feels

        To be cooling my heels

        I've been down on them

        Long enough



        But if I stay to them now

        Then maybe somehow

        You'll see through the bluff

        I'm not playing it tough



        I've been a lifetime on deposit

        And that's a long time in the closet

        And if you say to me

        How was it?

        It was hard taking 

        That heart breaking 

        God forsaken route.



{Oliver and Betty free Brad from the terminal ward with Bettys hairpin}



        But I'm

        Buh buh buh buh buh buh

        Breaking out!



        You may say that you choose

        To be in my shoes

        Well look what it 

        Did for me



        I got buried alive

        I don't thrive on that jive

        Look and you'll see

        That the spikes don't fit me



        I've been a lifetime on deposit

        And that's a long time in the closet

        And if you say to me

        How was it?

        It was hard taking 

        That heart breaking 

        God forsaken route.



        But I'm

        Buh buh buh buh buh buh

        Breaking out!



Brad:   Where are we going?



Betty:  To a family reunion



Oscar:  Breaking out!



Aud:    Breaking out!



Oscar:  Breaking out!



Audience:       Breaking out!



Oscar:  Ungh!



{Audience cheers.  Scene switch to Farley Flavor's office.  Conference between 

Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ralph, Macy, and Farley.  Neely is there with her crew. 

Scene opens with everyone laughing and happy}



Farley: She represents everything our customers want:  Innocence, 

        decency, and the allusion of a happy ending.  {Crowd applauds}  

        And, behind her image, take away therapy will thrive under the 

        capable hands of two great ethical intellects, operating on the 

        frontiers of medical science.  Huh? Huh?{Crowd compliments 

        Cosmo and Nation on their great work.}  Under the firm guidance of 

        a great survivor in the treacherous sea of diplomacy, our own Bert 

        Schniks. {Crowd goes crazy over Farley's idea}  Now, lets get this 

        show on the road! {Crowd goes wild scuttling off and can still be 

        heard in the background}



Neely:  Mr. Flavors.  May I have a moment of your time?



Farley: Sure thing.



Neely:  We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just a 

        new series tonight.  Is this true?



Farley: Absolutely correct.



Neely:  Could you tell us a little more about it?



Farley: Well lets just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on the 

        national menu.



Neely:  And how does local girl Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things



Farley: Very nicely.



Janet:  Brad?



Betty:  And he's resented you all these years.



Brad:   And Janet?



Oliver: She represents everything he's been denied.



ShoAnncr:       By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory.



Ralph:  Ladies and Gentlemen, Denton's own, America's pride, the world's 

        example, Janet, the sensation of the planet.  We bring you Miss 

        Mental Health!



{Enter Janet wearing red and white.  As she walks down the aisle to her throne, 

things happen in slow motion.  Audience is clapping}



Nation: Isn't she lovely?



Emily:  I love you baby!



Nation: She walks in beauty.



Harry:  That's my little girl!  That a girl Janet!



Emily:  We love you baby!



Nation: We all love Janet.  Who do we love?



Aud:    Janet!



{Audience goes wild.  Cop raises arm and yells "Janet!".  Janet sits in her 

throne}





Nation: The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Creme 

        Modes of downtown Denton and we've been asked that you take 

        note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring.  This is just 

        one of the many gifts that's so freely and generously given to 

        Janet, the first of, we hope, many Miss Mental Healths!



{Audience goes wild again}



Ralph:  Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.



{Drum roll.  Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers stand at attention. 

Audience quiets.  Neely directs her crew to focus in on the door.  Irwin walks 

up to the podium}



Irwin:  Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos.  {Sanity For Today 

        medical outfit wearers sit.  Irwin looks at them and wonders then 

        turns back to the audience}  I'm holding in my hand here some 

        keys {jiggles keys in left hand}  Keys which I would like to give to 

        the little lady who is being so honored here tonight.  And I wanna 

        tell ya, if she takes these keys she will find that they fit something.

        And what that something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe 

        eight cylinder convertible complete with radio, tape deck, plush fur 

        seat covers and many many extras.  And its all hers for absolutely 

        free.  



{Audience cheers as Irwin walks over to Janet to give her the keys.  Cosmo 

stops him, takes the keys, and escorts Irwin offstage.  Ralph takes the 

microphone}



Ralph:  Well, Janet.  Janet is absolutely speechless ladies and gentlemen.  

        {Audience moans}  But here's someone we do want to hear from.  

        A firm favorite of yours and mine.  You've reveled in his recipes. 

        {Brad gets dropped by Oliver and Betty}  You marveled in his 

        marriage guidance.  The all knowing, and now all seeing, 

        {Audience is astonished}  that's right, Bert Schniks!



{Bert comes walking  to the podium showing his now uncovered eyes.  Scene 

flashes to Oliver and Betty dragging Brad while trying to find a way out of the 

Dentonvale set.  Scene goes back to Faith Factory.  Audience member says 

"Bert you're beautiful!"}



Bert:   Hoopla Denton!



Audience:       Hoopla Bert!



Bert:   Thank you, welcome.



Ralph:  What's cooking Bert?



Bert:   I'll tell you what's cooking buddy and I'll tell you too you guys.  She 

        made the blind see and it was a gift.  Who was the gift from?  Lets 

        hear an F for. . . 



Audience:       Farley!



Bert:   And another F for. . .



Audience:       Flavors!



{Enter Farley.  Audience goes wild.}



Farley: My friends!  And you are all my friends.  {Farley laughs}   My 

        friends to night we are taking the first step of defiance, and starting 

        something that will grow so big that the whole world will 

        reverberate with its sound.  And wherever our slogan "Sanity and 

        vanity" is uttered, it will be linked incontrovertibly to this night, 

        this station, and this beautiful face.  



{Janet begins to stand.  Audience cheers.  Brad hears this through the wall and 

comes crashing through the giant picture of Janet's head.  Audience is startled 

and phrases such as "Its a crazy guy" can be heard.}



Brad:   Seducer!



Farley: And who are you sir?



Brad:   Your twin brother and your accuser!



Janet:  {recognition}  Brad!



Cosmo:  Arrest that man he's committed to our care.



Janet:  I never signed your contract.  He's not going anywhere.



Oliver: Revenge your twin.  You tried to abuse her.



Farley: {Outraged}  A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse her.



Brad:   Then why did you choose her?



Farley: Because of you sir!



<>



Farley: You're a looser

        An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

        

Brad:   And you're a blind alley cruiser

        Always heading down a loosing strait

        Dreaming that you're screaming at fate

        You're a dead end dead beat nowhere mister

        With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister



Farley: I took as much of you as any man can!

        You've lost your heart



Brad:   You've lost your cause



Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

        You've lost your mind

        You've lost your grip

        So say bye-bye!



Brad:   We lost our Mom

        We lost our Dad

        And if I'm loosing you

        Well that's too bad



Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.



{Farley mimes a gun on the last verse.  Scene switch to the Dentonvale 

Conference room table.  Brad and Farley are sitting at opposite ends}



Brad:   You're a failure

        A malformation in the guise of many

        And all so rand



Farley: And you're a weeper and a whiner

        Always treading on the toes of the great

        Barely spreading your weight

        You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature

        A pupil with no scruples who's no better than the teacher



Brad:   I took as much of you as any man can!



Farley: You've lost your heart



Brad:   You've lost your cause



Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

        You lost your mind

        When you lost your grip

        So say bye-bye!



Brad:   We've lost our home

        Our family

        You've lost compassion

        Now you're loosing me.



Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.



Brad:   Well the best thing you could ever do is die.



{Scene shift back to the Faith Factory set.  Farley is developing a severe 

facial tic}



Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.



Farley: {addressing audience}  Take no notice of him!  He's mad.



{Audience gasps}



Brad:   I'm as sane as you are.  {Audience gasps}  Saner!



Cosmo:  {pushing Farley out of the way}  And he was only with us for one 

        day!



{Audience cheers.  Camera pans to Ralph and Bert.  Ralph is clapping}



Bert:   They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.



Ralph:  What?



Bert:   Just memories.



Ralph:  {to Farley quietly}  We'll edit the tape.  They'll never see 

        everything.  {to audience}  Um I hope Mr. Flavors will accept 

        apologies on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate incident.  

        It seems everyone wants to be related to the great.



{Audience cheers approval.}



Farley: No offense.  Offense?  On the contrary.  This is a perfect example 

        of what we are here to combat.  



{All eyes turn to Janet.  After a brief moment, she reaches down and helps Brad 

to his feet.  Farley is shocked for a moment and then starts chanting "Out", 

getting louder and louder progressively, pointing toward the door each time.  

The crowd catches on as do most of the people on stage. The Cop comes and 

escorts Oliver, Betty, Brad and Janet into the research lab.}



Farley: You see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish, is the way we are 

        going to put the rest of our house in order.  Including the upstairs! 

        {Audience cheers.  Farley motions to Macy}  Ah yes yes, Miss, you 

        yes.  Would you come up here please and help us to inaugurate 

        the Farley Flavor's Faith Factory, transmitting from coast to coast 

        and continent to continent?  You are miss, uh miss?



Macy:   Macy.  Macy Struthers.



Farley: Macy Struthers!!!



Betty:  Who loves you Baby?



{Betty flips off Macy.  Camera goes to Emily and Harry who are clapping}



Emily:  She let me down.  She let us all down!



Harry:  Shut up Emily! And listen to a success story.



Nation: This could be worse than the old series.



Cosmo:  In the old series we never had a convertible. {Flips the keys out 

        and back in}



Farley: And remember, sanity today is the springboard to the hygienic 

        tomorrow. {Farley kisses Macy.  Ralph frowns but keeps on 

        clapping.  Audience cheers}  Now, will you follow me, down the 

        DTV trail, to Dentonvale? 



Audience:       Dentonvale!!!



Farley: {to Macy}  Thanks honey, they bought it.  Now out of the way. {to 

        audience}  That's right!



Neely:  I can't stand it.  Everything good always happens to other people. 

        {Audience members are being handed striped straight jackets. by 

        Cosmo Nation, Ansalong, and others.  Neely is heard.}  And fast 

        food giant Farley Flavors has just given Miss Mental Health what 

        can only be described as an official kiss of approval.  And the 

        crowd are loving it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.



Brad:   Hey look they're having a party.



{Vance is about to take off, because he sees Neely and her crew following the 

crowd because they don't want to miss out on the action.  Just as he is about 

to leave, he shoves Brad into the office and locks the door.  He takes off 

after everyone else.  Scene shifts to inside the research lab}



<>



Brad:   Some people do it for compassion



Janet:  Some people do it for the fashion



Brad:   Some people do it to be funny



Janet:  Some people do it for the money



Oliver: Some people do it for enslavement



Betty:  Some people do it on the pavement

{Betty unlocks the door with her hairpin}



Oliver: But. . .



{All four of them conga out of the office and at the end of the sit in the 

audience seats.}



All 4:  We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it

        No matter how the wind is blowing



        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it

        We just gotta keep going



Bd&Jt:  Some people do it for each other



Bt&Ol:  Some people do it for their lover



Bd&Jt:  Some people do it for improvement



Bt&Ol:  Some people do it for the movement



Bd&Jt:  Some people do it for enjoyment



Bt&Ol:  Some people do it for employment



Oliver: But. . . 



{All four dance down the aisles to the stage to see Oscar Drill and the Bits 

waiting for them in the convertible.}



All 4:  We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it

        No matter how the wind is blowing



        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it

        We just gotta keep going



{Scene shifts to the McKinley's office .  Farley is standing on the desk and 

has just opened a bottle of champagne and is drinking a toast with the Faith 

Factory cast and others.  Cameras follow the audience, now clad in their 

straight jackets and Faith Factory hats, along the wall to the Terminal Ward.

They are singing} 





Aud:    Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension 

        You're where the heart is you're okay!

        Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension 

        You're where the heart is you're okay!

        Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention

        You're the acceptable face,

        Of the human race.

        You're Denton Denton USA!



{Scene shift back to the stage.  The band has just pushed open the studio door 

and Betty has just jump-started the car with her hairpin.} 



All 4:  We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it

        No matter how the wind is blowing

        

        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

        We're gonna do it

        We just gotta keep going

        We just gotta keep going

        We just gotta keep going



{Brad, Janet, Oliver, Betty, and the band, all get into the car and drive off.

 The door closes behind them.}



Narr:   The sun never sets on those who ride into it.



We just gotta keep going