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Funny Quotes
Mark Twain
Albert Einstein
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
- James B. Cabell
Men willingly believe what they wish.
- Julius Caesar
I came, I saw, I conquered.
- Julius Caesar
Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.
- Michael Caine
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
- Arthur Calwell
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
- Simon Cameron
I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.
- Joseph Campbell
Every revolutionary ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic.
- Albert Camus
It takes 20 years to make an overnight success.
- Eddie Cantor
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
- Al Capone (1899-1947)
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
- Al Capone
I don't even know what street Canada is on.
- Al Capone
Vote early and vote often.
- Al Capone
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
- Al Capp
It is long accepted by the missionaries that morality is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing people wore.
- Alex Carey
If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.
- Thomas Carlyle
No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself, or to get all the credit for doing it.
- Andrew Carnegie
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
- Dale Carnegie
In time of war the first casualty is truth.
- Boake Carter
A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go but ought to be.
- Rosalynn Carter
The basic difference between an ordinary person and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary person takes everything as a blessing or a curse.
- Carlos Castaneda
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" till you can find a rock.
- Wynn Catlin
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
- Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, a.k.a. Marcus Porcius Cato)
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett
Prudence which degenerates into timidity is very seldom the path to safety.
- Viscount Cecil
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- Katherine Cebrian
Most great men and women are not perfectly rounded in their personalities, but are instead people whose one driving enthusiasm is so great it makes their faults seem insignificant.
- Charles A. Cerami
Everything beautiful has its moment and then passes away.
- Luis Cernuda
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
- Miguel de Cervantes
Learn and think imperially.
- Joseph Chamberlian
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
- Richard Chamberland
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
- Kyle Chandler
The office of government is not to confer happiness, but to give men the opportunity to work out happiness for themselves.
- W. E. Channing
In the end, everything is a gag.
- Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)
In some cases non-violence requires more militancy than violence.
- Cesar Chavez
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
- Maurice Chevalier
Prefer a loss to a dishonest gain; the one brings pain at the moment, the other for all time.
- Chilton
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
- Chinese Proverb
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
- Chinese Proverb
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
- Chinese Proverb.
If thine enemy wrong thee, but each of his children a drum.
- Chinese Proverb
If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people.
- Chinese Proverb
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
- Chinese Proverb
No one can guarantee success in war, only deserve it.
- Sir Winston Churchill
I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Never in the field of human conflicts was so much owed by so many to so few.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of
the beginning.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Commonwealth and the Empire last for a thousand years, men will still say, `This was their finest hourī.
- Sir Winston Churchill
We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strenght in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
- Sir Winston Churchill
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
- Sir Winston Churchill
I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
- Sir Winston Churchill
The farther back you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.
- Sir Winston Churchill
By swalloing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
- Sir Winston Churchill
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Without courage, all other virtues lose their meaning.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Kites rise highest against the wind; not with it.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Responsibility equals the price of greatness.
- Sir Winston Churchill
The price of greatness is responsibility.
- Sir Winston Churchill
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Sir Winston Churchill
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
- Sir Winston Churchill
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Sir Winston Churchill
A cat will look down to a man. A dog will look up to a man. But a pig will look you straight in the eye and see his equal.
- Sir Winston Churchill
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- Sir Winston Churchill
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Sir Winston Churchill
Brevity is the best recommendation of speech, whether in a senator or an orator.
- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
- Cicero
There is nothing so ridiculous but some philosopher has said it.
- Cicero
No Sane man will dance.
- Cicero
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- Tom Clancy
Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.
- Karen Kaiser Clark
Who will protect the public when the police violate the law?
- Ramsey Clark
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.
- Arthur C. Clarke
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
- Arthur C. Clarke
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
- Arthur C. Clarke
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
- Von Clausewitz (1780-1831)
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
- Eldridge Cleaver
The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.
- Eldridge Cleaver
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
- Georges Clemenceau
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.
- Georges Clemenceau
Leaders who win the respect of others are the ones who deliver more than they promise, not the ones who promise more than they can deliver.
- Mark A. Clement
Your daily agenda must be goal driven. If not, a task driven agenda will perpetuate.
- Glenn Close
Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who cannot, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live.
- Peter Cochrane
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, they finish by loading honors on your head.
- Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)
My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out for Number One, and remember your number.
- Orville Cogswell
Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom.
- Samuel Coleridge
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
- Charles Caleb Colton
Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising each time we fall.
- Confuscius
Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
- Confucious
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
- Confucius
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
- Confucius
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
- William Congreve (1670-1729)
Imprisoned in every fat man a thin man is wildly signaling to be let out.
- Cyril Connolly
Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime, but middle class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delirium.
- Cyril Connolly
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.
- Cyril Connolly
The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet.
- Cyril Connolly
You shall judge a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
- Joseph Conrad
Although our bodies are seperated by many miles, our souls remain yet entwined.
- Krista Conway
Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan press on has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
- Calvin Coolidge
No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.
- Calvin Coolidge
Never hate you enemies, it affects you judgment.
- Michael Corleone
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
- Bill Cosby
Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal.
- E. Joseph Cossman
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
- Laurence Coughlin
While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.
- Stephen R. Covey
Before you wonder 'Am I doing things right,' ask 'Am I doing the right things?
- Stephen R. Covey
Doing more things faster is no substitute for doing the right things.
- Stephen R. Covey
The man who rolls up his sleeves seldom loses his shirt.
- Thomas Cowan
It's not enough to be good if you have the ability to be better.
- Alberta Lee Cox, Grade 8
Congealed thinking is the forerunner of failure... make sure you are always receptive to new ideas.
- George Crane
A man feared that he might find an assassin; Another that he might find a victim. One was wiser than the other.
- Stephan Crane
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
- E. E. Cummings (1894-1962)