Kidnapping!
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Before reading, there is the option of reading the disclaimer.

Rochester Youths Not Safe Anymore!

In the past two months, there have been over five kidnappings of young women in the New York State city of Rochester.  All of these kidnappings involve young women, age 13-16 and on first impression, seem very dim-witted. 

Other than their age, the only other connection between the kidnappings is who is responsible for them.  After the fifth kidnapping occurred, there was a ransom note and accompanying photograph. 

That's an airsoft gun, so don't worry.

Among other things, the kidnapper demanded,

1) Jackass be brought back on the air

2) Hacky sacking should be made an Olympic event

and finally, 3) Derek Thesing be made into the country's mascot.

For all intents and purposes, the kidnapper is f*cking crazy.  By examining the picture, it becomes clear that the hostage is being held in what a appears to be a suburban-like dwelling and is relatively unharmed.

This and the four other atrocious acts of kidnapping are believed to have been perpetrated by an extremist that goes by the name of Oswebo Fernandez.  Due to his ever-growing support from numerous anonymous participants over the internet, his power and influenced are wide-spread.  This also gives us an idea as to what he looks like.  We have even been able to obtain a photograph of Mr. Fernandez.

Oswebo Fernandez

From what we were able to determine from this photograph, Oswebo Fernandez is around six feet tall, brown eyes and hair.  It also appears that Mr. Fernandez's weapon of choice is a semi-automatic pistol which is tucked in the belt of his pants. 

Now, this terror mastermind has yet to be apprehended by the authorities, and they could very much use our help.  If you or someone you know has any information that can lead to the incarceration of Oswebo Fernandez, please e-mail us at i_<3_2_Squeal@fantasynews.com or call us at 1-800-6-SNITCH (1-800-676-4824).

Thank you for any and all information you may give to the authorities but then again, Oswebo Fernandez is a mastermind after all, so he will most likely never be caught. We can't say we didn't try.

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Disclaimer:

None of this article is true and was made just for entertainment.  The girl in the picture is my sister and she volunteered to be the "hostage", and was only "held at gun point" with an airsoft gun that fired little 6mm pellets.  So, lay of.

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