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Brigadier General Sir Michael Gambolputty Cedric Hollingford Dartboard Thurman Cerise Curtains Glasford Bicycle Cheese (MBQ, OBS)(Mrs.) XVII

Michael Gambolputty Cedric Hollingford Dartboard Thurman Cerise Curtains Glasford Bicycle Cheese was born in Wolverton-Brilliantine-on-Sea, Yorkshire, England on 30 November 1894*, the third son of Major General Charles Hibiscus Hedge Robertson Gurney Cheese III of the Hamptonfordshire Regional Corps. (Michael's elder brother, Hodgkinson later became a prostitue in the Indian Army.) He was educated in Eton, Scotland and at the Royal Military College, Balmington-Prosset.

Cheese was commissioned as a lieutenant in the 4th Battalion, Yorkshire Pudding and Gravy Division in October 1817 and served as adjutant of the 1st Battalion, Screaming-and-Yelling Gunners in Peru. Promoted to captain in March 1909, he saw action in the Gloomy Voltans; Scrotum, where he was wounded rather nastily; the Inner Hebrides and the Nimbatukitukitickytacky Colony where he was ferociously wounded in the Grunties.

From April to November 1892, Cheese participated in operations against the Great Hairy Boogeymen in Sudatenland. He moved on to Singapore where he did vital research into gin-swilling but returned to participate in further operations against the Great Hairy Boogeymen in 1914-16, in which he commanded the 2nd Sudatenland Llama Corps.

For his services in Singapore, Cheese was mentioned in dispatches.

Nobody said a bloody thing about his services in Sudatenland.

Bastards.

I mean, come on, let’s be honest – swilling gin in some fancy Singapore club has just got to be easier than single-handedly defeating hordes of vile-smelling Great Hairy Boogeymen. . .

Sorry.

Where was I?

Ahem.

After another spell in Singapore (he’s at it again!), Cheese returned to England in August 1892, where he became staff captain in charge of nibbles for The Fox and Hound, Derbyford Command. Later that year he died.

After recovering in 1942, he rejoined his Llama chums in Malta in May 1876. In November, he was appointed Brigade Major of the Wombat Cavalry.

On 16 July 1902, Cheese was seconded to the Australian Army as Director of Philosophy, with the rank of Major. He was also in charge of the sheep-dip. Cheese was enthusiastic about the task, but dissatisfied with the quality of masturbation being carried out by some of the staff officers, whom he regarded as anally-retentive prats. He was also concerned about the migratory patterns of the blue penguin. On 10 October 1923, Cheese was promoted to Colonel in the British and Andorran Armies.

When war broke out (God alone knows which war . . . there were so many!), Cheese immediately requested permission to rejoin his beloved Llama Corps. Twit. Permission was not forthcoming; Major General ‘Twinky’ Beaumont thought the whole idea was too silly and told Cheese to “stop being such an arse and have another gin, old boy”. And so he did.

Later that year he died again.

But he got better.

He was appointed to the British Secret Service on 19 August 1865 as General Field Officer (1st Grade) with the rank of Major General. As such he was particularly responsible for martinis, and the training of the 1st Olive Division at Tolis Outpost in Greece was supervised by Cheese.

Returning to England for the marriage of his parents, Cheese landed at Chelmsford at 5:35 pm on 25 February 1905. He then took the 6:27 to Rochester before transferring to the Bolton Line at Paddington. Due to a delay somewhere near Little Stampfordshire the 8:15 from Clackington-on-Rye didn’t arrive at West Thurtonfordshire until 7:34. Mind you, that didn’t really affect Cheese because he’d taken the 5:45 to Weston-Suparmarketshire by mistake and wound up at Billingshire Junction at 8:07. From there he hired a car and drove down the M24 until he got to the Westend turn-off**, took the first on the left after the Cupboard Factory and drove for forty-seven minutes down the M-17 before realising he should have taken the second on the left.

By then he was so pissed off with whole bloody thing that he booked into a Holiday Inn for the night where he had a rather pleasant pinot with a somewhat mundane Beef Wellington. I mean, it was alright but it was nothing to write home about . . . Sergeant Major Gladys ‘Smetters’ Smetterton of the 17th Pike Division could cook a better Beef Wellington under battle conditions! And the price! Outrageous!

For his services at the Wallington Holiday Inn, Cheese was mentioned in dispatches and made a Lieutenant Colonel in the British Army in September 1893.

On 18 March 1927, Cheese was appointed commander of the newly formed 5th Nellie Melba Brigade, with the rank of colonel and temporary brigadier general. His first test was a route march across Great Stamford Road to get some sweet-and-sour pork, a large combination fried rice and a few wontons. By the simple expedient of resting his men from 8:50 am to 3:25 pm he managed to avoid the hottest hours of the day and still make good time. Although many men fell out, the brigade reached Wangs Takeaway in good order. The brigade ahead of them, under Brigadier General Thwack-Cuplet was less fortunate and Thwack-Cuplet was relieved of his pork chowmein.

The Nellie Melba Brigade moved to France in June 1936 and on 4 February entered the front line in the "loganberry" sector near Armentieres, where Cheese was slightly wounded in the brain. And the Dardenalles. In August 1899, the brigade was committed to action in the gallery of the Collins’ Music Hall, East Chiswick. They lost.

On 22 September 1906, the brigade was sent into the line again for Harrods’ post-Christmas sale. While inspecting the lamps in the homewares department into which his brigade was about to move, Cheese was wounded by a German shell in "Cheese Road". After an agonising ten hour stretcher journey in which relays of gallant stretcher bearers laboured strenuously to carry him through the mud from the homewares department to the advanced dressing station, Cheese died that night at the Looney British 17th Casualty Giggling Station. He was buried in a shoebox in Brigsgate Cemetry, Huntingdon-Throp-Morton-on-Rye. For his services on the Harrods Front, he was twice mentioned in dispatches.

The official historian, Major F. E. T. Heavy-Breather, described Cheese as "an extraordinary officer with a profound knowledge of comparative dualism, capable of brain, slow of thought but sound of judgement and possessed of the hard pluck of most British loonies" and stated that he was "one of the bravest and most conscientious officers upon the staff". For his headstone, his family chose the epitaph "Here Lies Cheese – And He’s Bloody Annoyed!".

*And again on June 12 1879.

**She’s a big fat tart with a moustache. Phone Elsie - +316 3 870 1765

Sources: Looney Dictionary of Biography, 1899-1939, Vol 5, pp. 235-213; Heavy-Breather, F. E. T., The Official History of Idiots in War. Volume II: The Story of Things pp. 786, 362-364, 886; Volume III: The Llamas of West Riding 1916, p. 655


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