Quotes

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
Jeff Marder.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry.

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher"
Ambrose Bierce.

"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you."
B.L. Taylor.

"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit."
Peter Beckmann.

"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."
Alexai Sayle.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.  We are the president."
Hillary Clinton.

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns. 

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'." 
Woody Allen

 

 

Confucius Says...

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Man who digs for gold in nose take out gilded finger

Man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with penis in cookie jar fucking crackers

Man with hand in pocket not necessarily looking for change.

Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk. 

Naked man fears no pick pocket. 

Man who masturbate only screwing himself. 

The hand that turneth the knob opens the door. 

Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk. 

Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die. 

He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep. 

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands. 

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 

He who sniffs coke drowns. 

Man who piss into wind get wet. 

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons 

Never eat yellow snow. 

Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache. 

He who lives in glass house dresses in basement. 

Man with one chopstick go hungry. 

Man who go to bed with diarrhoea wake up in deep shit. 

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose. 

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.

Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.

Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.

Woman who put detergent on top shelf jump for Joy.

Hockey player on ice have big stick. 

Man who go to McDonald's eat out stinky meat. 

Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off. 

Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end. 

Priest with dick in snow like cold one before mass. 

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. 

Man who paints on toilet door is a shithouse painter. 

Jokes

THE FACTS OF LIFE

Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!
ROAD TRIP TO OZ

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz, known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle announces: "I'll ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds: "I'll ask him for a heart."
Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"
 
ONE IN THE EYE FOR BIGOTRY

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews,"
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
SISTER SUSAN PILES ON THE POUNDS

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
ADAM AND EVE, THE MENNONITES

Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?

 

Funny Story

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all
the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet,
and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet
paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya
those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and
pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise
if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on
a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy,
I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you
ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter
how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend
you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to
piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you
women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to
use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to
control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that
damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy
thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then
that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the
wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get
it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee
shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the
top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs
down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over
the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

 

 

 

Rejected Crayon Colors