I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my entire life. There are many reasons for the tears; everything from my yearning to be completely loved to not knowing what lies ahead for me. I want so many things now, things I've never wanted before; the simple things I used to take for granted as being an entitlement. I wish I could remember what it feels like to be wrapped in the blanket of someone's arms, you know, leaning my head against his shoulder, letting him soothe me by stroking my hair and whispering the so-called "sweet nothings." It's the little things, always the little things.
He watches over me like a hungry hawk carefully considering his next move. I know he's waiting for some sort of prompting, but the truth is, I don't know what I want him to do next. So, we sit with the wind swirling around the car, whistling through the silence.
"Delgado, you know I won't hurt you, right?"
"I know you won't hurt me physically," I sniffle.
His sighs loudly, releasing the breath he'd been holding. It's quiet again, both of us too afraid of what the next words might bring. I see a child in the distance, skipping away from his mother, she is chasing him. They are both smiling, no, he is laughing and she is smiling. He trips, falls, and begins to cry. She scoops him up, barely breaking stride and wipes his tears away. I cannot help but smile at them, suddenly overcome with the desire to bring a life into this world.
Todd reaches behind me, grazing my neck with the tips of his fingers. I want to melt into him, let his hands become a part of me, so even when we're separated, I will carry that part with me. I know it isn't right, but I lean into his touch anyway, moving my head around so I can feel more of him. We still say nothing.
My cell phone interrupts this moment, propelling us quickly out of our euphoric sense of serenity, into the present where there is nothing but pain. I fumble though my purse, finally locating our "disruptive" little friend in the very bottom of my purse. "Hello?"
"Tea, oh, I'm so glad I found you."
"Viki, is something wrong?" Todd rolls his eyes and the mention of his sister's name.
"No, nothing's wrong. I have a proof of our very first edition of the paper."
"Oh, that's wonderful. When can I see it?"
"Well, I can send a courier to your office tomorrow morning if you're going to be there."
"That would be perfect. I look forward to reading it."
We end our conversation with me promising to call her with my opinions after I read it. No sooner than I fold my phone, Todd begins to interrogate me again. I don't know why I thought we were finished with this conversation because, with him, nothing is ever finished until he says so.
"What're you and Viki up to?"
"Why is it so important to you?"
"Because you're obviously hiding something."
"What makes you think I'm hiding something?"
"Well, you're avoiding the issue; that's a pretty good clue."
I don't really see the point in keeping it from him, not anymore. In fact, it hiding it might be much worse that I'm not telling him. Yes, he'll be upset that I didn't give him exclusive access to Derek, but to be fair, he doesn't run a paper in New York.
"I'm letting her interview a client of mine, that's all."
"So, what's the big deal?"
"There is no big deal; that's all that's to it."
"Which client?" He turns his body toward me so he can read my face. I shift under his scrutiny; he sees to much, knows too much.
"Derek-"
His eyes widen as he says, "not that Derek kid who was beat up by the cops?!"
"Yeah."
"Why the hell did you give the scoop to Viki and not me? You were never married to her; she doesn't even love you!" he shouts.
"Thanks a lot Todd. You really know how to make a girl feel good about herself."
"You know what I mean, Delgado. I can't believe you didn't give me the inside track! You always betray me."
The anger rises from the pit of my stomach; I grow hot instantly and feel my face glow the bright red color of a candied apple. "HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT ME BETRAYING YOU? FIRST OF ALL, TODD, YOU DON'T EVEN OWN A PAPER IN NEW YORK-"
"Neither does she."
"You might want to double-check your facts with her."
I can tell he's about to implode from trying to maintain some semblance of control. Though I am angry, I appreciate his restraint. I cannot blame him for feeling betrayed because I might feel the same way. What he has to understand is this is a big case, but he doesn't have resources in New York that can help my client.
"So, okay, she gets this big exclusive that'll probably help double her circulation numbers, and what do I get?"
"What do you mean what do you get?"
"You always give me the cold shoulder and everything but when Viki asks, you give her a world exclusive and you know, you know Tea, that it's gonna help her beat me."
"It's not a competition, Todd."
"The hell it isn't!"
"Todd, I have a teenager who is going to spend the rest of his life in prison unless I can play on the public's sympathy and get him acquitted. The only way I'm going to do that is to taint the jury pool in New York. The only way I'm going to do that is get a paper run by a respected Publisher firmly planted in his corner. The Sun is in Llanview, Viki's resources extend beyond Llanview."
"Oh, you want someone who's well-respected and I don't fit the bill, huh? Is that why you left me, 'cause you wanted someone well-respected?"
I know that I this has struck a chord with him, shaking him to his core. His vulnerable side is on full display as he processes the hidden meanings behind my seemingly innocent statement. "I didn't mean it like that."
"How did you mean it?"
My mind races to think of a way to say this; a way which will help him understand. What people say and what he hears are often two very different things. For all of his declarations that he doesn't care what people think of him, he does care; sometimes, he cares too much. I touch my hands to his face, forcing him to turn toward me where I can look into his eyes; there, he will see the truth. "I respect you."
"Yeah, right."
"I do. And I love you and I don't do things to intentionally hurt you; I'm just looking out for the best interests of my client."
"Wait. You said you love me?"
I didn't mean to say this, but sometimes, the words just slip out before I have a chance to stop them. It's out of my control, I think, the feelings and their manifestation. I just have to go with it and let what happens, happen. I made certain promises to myself, one of which is to always be honest with him. After all, we never know when the end is near. "I never said that I didn't."
"Yeah, but you left and people who love other people, they don't leave. Nobody was supposed to leave, Tea." The crack in his voice is not lost on me, nor is the sincerity and pain in his eyes.
"Sometimes it's for the best," I say, as if the words will somehow soothe what my eyes cannot.
"And sometimes it isn't. I'm sittin' here, sayin' I'll give you everything… give up everything for you and it's still not enough."
I take a peek at my watch, surprised by the lateness of the day. I avoid his gaze and the pain I know will be etched firmly across his face. I wonder how long we've been talking about this relationship and the next road we will take. I want to go home and lie in bed; I want to forget about the constant aching in my chest. "Under any other circumstances-"
"What circumstances?"
"Well, if you were free and I wasn't, you know, gonna be such a burden-"
"You're not a burden."
"I feel like I am. I just, I can't tear your family apart."
"So you'd rather tear me apart, is that it?"
I run my fingers through my hair repeatedly; the words, they fail me. I want to reach over to him and entwine his fingers with mine; the linkage of fingers has always been such a vital part of our relationship. I feel so much for this man and I'm not sure I know how to live without him. Rather, I know I can't live without him, but I have to make the choice of if I will even try. It's in my hands now, the hands that I want so desperately for him to touch and love the way he has loved every other part of me. But, there's too much going on, too many dreadful possibilities. I cannot risk his heart.
"What's goin' on in your head, Delgado?"
Oh, if he only knew how much is swirling around like a powerful tornado in the smooth Kansas terrain. But we're not in Kansas, nor are we in some fantasy world paved with golden bricks. We are in our painful reality where we are constantly torn apart by "forces." Welcome to the real fucking world.