My Favorite things about Angelfire.
My Favorite Web Sites
My home Web Site
Peabody College at Vanderbilt University
Indiana University at South Bend
Pink Monkey
Puzzlemaker School Discovery
click here for my place of work
Understanding Ebonics: A Teacher's Viewpoint
Talking Loud, Saying Something
Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Inc. Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc. Alpharetta-Smyrna Alumni Chapter
Things Graylen Likes to do:
If you want to contact Graylen, click here.
After recovering from my illness, my cat Bear got sick and in a matter of a few days his kidneys and liver started shutting down. Today, I had to finally put him down. I demanded to hold him while the Vet injected him, and Bear took his last breath. I had to do this because I was there to witness his birth 03/21/93, and I was going to be there until the end. Bear was the first birth that I have ever witnessed. So, I am numb right now, and the e-mail is probably filled with all kinds of grammatical errors. After recovering from a sickness several years ago, my grandmother dead without warning. For years, I have felt so guilty for being so selfish and being wrapped up in my own problems that I did not see the signs of death approaching someone dear to my heart. I guess the reason I have not returned calls is because I probably would feel very uncomfortable if I lost it while talking since a lot of people think it is silly to go into a period of mourning over a household pet. I remember losing it when the Vet told me that there was nothing else he could do for Bear. I told him that my cats are all I have to live for. This is when it became so apparent to me how Pitiful my life has become. What a life that only exists for sharing an intimate meaningful health loving relationship with ones animals. Anyway, I am not in the mood for any comforting right now. I got find my own way. I firmly believe that being consoled would only make me feel worse. The Vet reminded me that I do have two more cats. As a matter of fact, it was only the three of use for also a year before Bear and the other kittens arrived. With Bear being the baby, I never imagine that he would be the first out of the three to go. I held him most of last night. I knew in my heart that the end was near, and I wanted him to know how much I loved him. That is also one of the main reasons why I had to hold and sing to him until the very end. When Bear was a kitten, I use to nurse him with a baby bottle filled of cat’s mike while I singing to him. It was amazing watching that little guy, who fit into the palm of my hand at the time, sucking that bottle and making "me" "me” sounds. Since Bear had not eaten in a couple of days, I got out his old baby bottled and nursed him yesterday evening and throughout the night. He just made very low mellow sounds while I was doing this. Isn’t it funny how life seems to come back full circle? Even after the doctor told me that he was gone, I could not release him from my arms for almost an hour. Holding him reminded me of the time I stayed up with dear departed grandmother in the hospital for hours because I knew down deep that she was not going to come out of her coma after her stoke. To my regret, I left with my friend Jonathan Jackson for only a little while in order to take a little break. Grandma had passed before I returned to the hospital. The nurse let me have a few minutes alone with her even though she was already gone. I remember her body still being warm, and she looked like she was still breathing. Strangely enough, I could still feel her presence in the room. I have regretted not being there when she took her last breath for many years. Maybe in a way, my holding Bear until the end was my dealing with some unfinished business (issues surrounding grandma’s death). I know that some of you are saying to yourselves, too much information, but writing this note seems to be kind of therapeutic for me. I have always been able to find a release in writing that I very rarely find in verbal conversation. At least no one can interrupt me or say the wrong thing. Anyway, I just wanted to keep to myself for a while. In other words, go into my cave. So please forgive me if I do not return calls or write back in a while. School is coming to a close, and I need to focus my energy in wrapping up everything. Even though I am very tired, I am afraid to sleep. Why is it that the venerability of sleep makes us feel worst when we are experiencing a crisis? Thank you for taking time to read my long e-mail message. Luckily, I needed to finish out my roll of film last week, and I took several pictures of the three cats together chilling out. I will treasure. I am very grateful for this. God is good!
Sincerely,
Todd
PS. I do have pictures of Bear and my other two remaining babies on my web page. The link is located in my E-mail signature.
.
When I die, everything will be his.
5/11/02 10:00 AM The Passing of my beloved Bear
Hey!
Please forgive me for the delay in writing this note. This email has been long in coming. I am sorry for not returning your calls or E-mails. The results of the biopsy came back Benign (Non-cancerous) progress of my recovery have been very good. When I spoke to the Urologist last Tuesday, he assured me that the surgery was a success, and I will make a full recovery. Thank you for your prayers and support. I wish that my news could have stopped here but unfortunately for me it does not.
Graylen Graham Voicemail/Fax 877-655-9859 E-mail: graylengraham@ureach.com
Home Page: https://www.angelfire.com/tn/graylen/index.html Email graylengraham@ureach.com
Web Site http://www.ureach.com/graylengraham
“ . . .Language is also a political instrument, means, and proof of power. It is the most vivid and crucial key to identity: it reveals the private identity, and connects one with, or divorces one from, the larger public, or communal identity . . . to open your mouth is to 'put your business in the streets.' You have confessed your parents, your youth, your school, your salary, your self-esteem, and alas, your future." James Baldwin
Letter of Comfort From a Very Dear Friend Catherine Hazelwood
Graylen, regardless of whether you wanted anyone to respond--
couldn't
help but send the following thoughts to you--
After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a
hand and connecting with a soul.
And you learn that love and company don't mean endless
security.
And you begin to learn that
kisses and hugs aren't contracts for forever, but the
memory can
last eternally. And you begin to
accept your defeats and disappointments with your head up
and your
eyes open with the grace of
an adult, not the grief of a child. And you learn to
build all
your roads on today and learn to enjoy
the journey because sometimes tomorrow's ground is too
uncertain
for plans. After a while you
learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, but
what a
wonderful feeling to have felt the
warmth while it was there. You learn to plant your own
garden and
decorate your own soul
however you can, instead of waiting for someone to bring
you
flowers. And you learn that you
really can endure, that you really are strong and that you
really
do have worth.
What a wonderful thing for you to have been with Bear as he was
with you
when you needed comfort!!!! Although I know you are terribly
shaken and
sad consider that you had a second chance to "make things
right" This
time you were there!!--And by the way, I've always believed
that angels
come in all forms--including animals--So call your existence
pathetic if
you will but I think anyone who has witness the full circle of
life and
been able to share it lovingly with anyone or anything has truly
experienced something miraculous--Hope you feel better soon.
Love, Catherine
Letter from Long time Friend Thomas Wright
I am not sure, but if the Vet ruled out poison as the cause of death, I
would be inclined to agree with him. However, I am not an expert in this
area. I know a couple of people who own cats, I will see what they think
about it. But you must keep in mind, that noone would know like a
veterinarian. If I read correctly, didn't you say that the doctor said
Bear's health had been on the decline for a while?
I would think that if the spray you used was that powerful, you would have
seen a bad reaction in Bear right away. But then again, I am not an expert.
I don't think you should blame yourself. I know you loved Bear and I am sure
he was crazy about you. Do you think for one minute, he would want you
blaming yourself? Bear would not, but most importantly the Lord would not.
It is only natural for you to mourn Bear, he was a big part of your
life--family.
In answer to your question, yes I believe that you will see Bear again. Many
believe that the Bible is silent on this, but our God is a personal God.
Jesus knows how much Bear meant to you. You know in the Book of Revelations,
it says that King Jesus will split open the sky riding on a white horse and
his saints with him on white horses (I have read that passage before in
Revelations). I can't find that passage at the moment. I will make a point
of finding it and e-mailing it to you when I have time. It only stands to
reason if there will be horses in Heaven, there will also be other forms of
animal life there as well. Does not the Bible say that ``Eye hath not seen,
ear has not heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man the things that
God has prepared for them that love him" (Corinthians)?
You can read about that Holy City (New Jerusalem) in the Book of Revelations.
The description blows the human mind. It is my personal opinion, that
whatever meant the most to you and lost will be regained in Heaven--that
includes Bear. Gotta go.
Keep the faith. I am praying for you my Brother. Do not blame yourself; the
devil will try to use this guilt to tear you down. I think you should talk
to the Lord about Bear.
Love and Prayers,
Thomas
5/17/02
Praise God! The Vet just confirmed what the Holy Spirit had already told me
about Bear's death. It seemed logical to me that the spray would not have
caused his death, but perhaps the expected side effects (such as vomiting,
or diarrhea) when one has been exposed to some kind of pesticide. I hope
that you found closure, and the burden of guilt lifted.
Graylen
Sorry to hear about your loss. Isn't it amazing how our pets become family members....Bear was lucky to have you as his owner...and that you have so many fun memories the cat we have. Lester...we have had since Lexi was 9..I can't imagine not having him around..
Georgia
Dear Todd, Thanks for your E-Mail. Animals are perhaps our best friends in this world. It is a pity that we do have to lose them so soon. I wipe your tears for the loss of beloved Bear. Kisses, Andre. andrevz@mweb.co.za
Hey Mr. Graham
I am so deeply sorry about Bear, I remember a lot great things that you said d about Bear last year. I know what you are going through 8 months ago my 7 year old Tea cup poodle, Killer, died. He was killed by my next door neighbors "pet" wolf. The incident occurred while I was out school and my dad had taken Killer outside for just a few minutes, when the wolf ran out of my neighbors driveway and for no reason attacked my dear dog on my own driveway. Killer only weighed 4 lb., as you can see he was very small, and would not of been able to survive. The wolf had punctured his lungs when he bit him. Killer was not only my Very best friend but he was also my mentor, whenever I had a bad day I would always hold Killer and he would make everything all right. You are probably wondering why his name was Killer, well when he was 6 weeks old he would bark at the bigger dogs and he thought that he was very tough, so I knew Killer was the perfect name for him. I know that Killer's death was something that was meant by God, and was a horrible tragedy but since his death I have been blessed with a darling Siberian Husky. His name is Keiko Dakota and he is black and white with turquoise blue eyes. He has helped me through Killer's death and has made my life easier, thank you for listening to my story.
Kristy Pinkston ( Milton high school )
Letter from Long time Friend J. Robert Baker
Dear Todd,
I've been down at my parents' house for Mother's Day and only just got
back. I am so sorry to hear about Bear. I know you must feel his loss
quite deeply. Still, I hope that you won't be torturing yourself about
whether or not you contributed to his death.
Cats--male cats especially--have such tricky systems. Bear probably got
out from under the sofa before any of the Raid got to him, and I don't
think the vet would have given him an allergy shot or a dose of Revolution
if there were any sign of his being ill. It's more likely that something
in his delicate system gave way. Cats, like all of us, have a time to
go--and they know it better than us.
Please do not kick yourself for being sad about Bear's death. We do get
attached to our pets--and the depth of your grief about Bear is a signal of
the depth of the love you are capable of giving to others--men, women,
children, and animals. Count yourself lucky that you have this affliction
of sorrow and not the terrible tragedy of a stoney hear, my dear friend.
You'll remember that it took me months to recover from Munchie's death ten
years ago last March. Give yourself time to mourn a pet dearly loved, one
who gave you much pleasure and who was a good companion. You and he are
both worth it.
Know that you are much in my thoughts in your sadness.
Love,
Robert
Letter from Long time Friend Rev. Greg Davis
Hi Todd,
When people or friends who we love die, we all deal with death in certain manners. Part of that manner, is a swinging range of emotion. That emotion runs from sadness, anger, guilt, and fondness or affection. What you are feeling is a natural part of the grief process. It is the pain associated with loving and being loved by someone or something. Your love for your cat is grieving the loss. Your feeling of guilt at contributing to its end, is neither unusual nor necessarily silly.
What I suggest is the following:
1) Put your mind at ease. Your vet is a skilled professional. If the cat had liver damage, it can take its life rather quickly. Your spraying may have affected it temporarily, but more than likely the liver damage would substantially affect its life faster than limited amount of exposure to toxins in the spray.
2) Continue to take time to pray. God has designed prayer to be beneficial to your soul - mind, will, and emotions. In prayer, the Holy Ghost will provide the comfort and joy you need to put this event in proper perspective.
3) Recognize the grief and let it take its natural course. Eventually, you want to celebrate the joy of relationship you had. Each of life's events add to that, so don't be feeling out of the loop--because you have a loss. This cat was like a child to you, and it hurts to lose anyone or anything that one loves.
4) Finally, this experience adds depth to your life. A greater compassion for others who will go through the same experience, A greater sense of appreciation for the animals you still have, and broader understanding of priorities of living. God gave us the capacity to love and be loved in return. Love is one of God's gifts. It is the dimension of God in us.
I hope this helps.
Greg
Letter from Long time Friend Dr. Thadious Davis Dear Todd,
I am in New York City at the Center for Scholars and Writers. I arrived with
my two cats on Sept. 6 for my first day at the Center on Sept. 11. The rest
is history. But I wanted to let you know that I lost both of my cats this
year: one on Nov. 27 and the other on Dec. 21. The first was my most favoite
cat ever; he experienced severe stress on his system after 9/11, and he failed
the week after Thanksgiving. That was a shock because the other cat, the
youngster, had been diagosed with an untreatable cancer in the summer and
given six months. (She was a Sealpoint Ragdoll, so I really related to your
loss of Bear.) This has been a season of loss for me, but the year has also
taught me to count my blessings and to look to the future. I am catless for
the first time in my adult life, and it is a very lonely feeling. Take care
and be well. Love, Thadious
Letter from Long time my younger brother Darrin P. Graham
Todd I really don't think that spraying for bugs had anything to do with the
death of Bear. Sometimes things just happen because It just should be. We
can never explain the plan, it's out of our hands, and He don't make
mistakes. In saying that be easy on yourself, it ate me up inside when poco
died. Did I not recognized that she was severely sick, Did I take her to
the wrong vet at first (who mis-diagnosed her). Was I to slow. but it was
really just ment to be. Love your brother.
A letter from a Long Time Friend and Brother Brian Harris
Todd,
I'm not a vet, but I can assure you that you DID NOT cause the death of
Bear!! You must get this out of your mind. If youthink that you are the
cause of his death, then what other death are you the cause of? Your
grandmother's? No!!! Please stop beating yourself up!
You LOVED Bear! Bear knows this! Shit happens for reasons that we don't
understand, so in order to look for answers, we tend to blame ourselves.
By blaming ourselves, we are more apt to stay in mourning and think that we
did something horrible to our love ones. In this case, as with your
grandmother's death, this was all part of the Master's plan. Now, you must
take this, accept this, and realize that you are surrounded with love ones
who truly care about you. Your feelings are crushed, as only I can imagine,
but in time you will know that you cared for bear and your grandmother in
the best manner by which GOD had given you.
Todd, I know that you are a religious man, and that you believe in GOd and
the work that he's capable of doing. I want you to pray to God and ask him
to help you get through this. It's not your fault. I do believe that had
Bear died of poisoning, the Vet would have said so.
Remember one thing, God is there for you and so am I. I just wished that I
was alot closer to be there physically for you!!
Your friend,
Brian
Much love, and stop beating up on my friend!!!!
I have two out of my three Siamese cats Left. Their names are Linton, Heathcliff. I was teaching Emily Bronte’s Weathering Heights when I brought Linton and Heathcliff and named them after the characters. I found it very interesting that their personalities are so much like their namesakes. Their birthday is on “April Fools Day.” I was told that Heathcliff was a boy but I discovered shortly afterwards that he was a she. So I changed her name to Miss Heathcliff. She is my guardian angel. At home, she is always around keeping an eye on me. I am always telling her how touched I am that she loves her daddy so much. Bear’s was born a March 21. He was twice as big as the other kittens in the litter. So I named him Bear after his grandfather. After seeing how big he has gotten, I should have named him Grizzly. My mom says that out of the three cats, I spoil Linton the most. Linton is the cat I call my first born.
View My Guestbook
Sign My Guestbook
Linton