Nick didn't have a thousand of thoughts rushing through his mind or feelings bursting in his heart. He had nothing, because the figure of Brian, his eyes glassy with a sad happiness, absorbed all of him, making him stare at him as a lost child waiting to be told what to do; what to feel. Yet Brian, in his present condition, was the least of persons to tell someone what to do. He was in off, he couldn't see nor hear, because his heart was slamming against his chest in the worst, and yet most wonderful feeling he had ever felt.

Being a father was probably his biggest dream. Having a baby and watching it grow, being a part of a child's day by day, be there to hear the first laughter, to guide the first steps… God only knew how much he ached to have a little baby boy or a little baby girl… His happiness was so great it could not fit into his chest, he felt like he needed to stand up and run, and scream to everyone that he would be a father, that his dream would come true, that he was the happiest person in this world because a little person was about to come to this world in his flesh and blood. His pride was melting all he had inside in the greatest feeling of affection he could feel for someone yet unborn.

The sweetest pictures of raising a child were cut from time to time by strong throbs of pain that nearly made him sob. At the same time the holiest feeling was growing inside of him, the worst of pains started tearing at his heart. And even if he fought hard with all the strength he had against each and every second of deliverance, Brian knew he wouldn't be able to fight forever each second of each minute and each minute of each day. His mind would eventually weaken, and then he would see the reason behind the pain deafening him and blinding him, making him feel nothing but anguish and an utter feeling of loss and loneliness.

Oh, sure, Nick. Nick was the reason. His baby and… There was a warm hand still above his own, but it seemed to be barely there, it didn't matter the tightness was bruising his fingers. Brian could hardly feel it. It was empty because it was too much; he felt it all.

He didn't know what to think, let alone what to say to the younger man waiting for him to speak. Brian wouldn't move, he didn't know where to go from here. He had never read such play, but had he read Romeo and Juliet instead of simply watching it on TV, he would have thought of Shakespeare's line right now. I'm destiny's fool!

Nick sighed. It seemed like forever, but barely few minutes had closed by. He knew he would forever regret the moment he spoke such, but he also knew it was the inevitable.

"So?"

He thought he heard a trembling sigh from Brian's mouth, but he wasn't sure, it might have been his imagination wishing Brian was as shaky in the inside as he was.

"So…?" – Brian repeated. – "What can I say?"

Before being sad or crying or breaking down, Nick would stand up for himself.

"I don't know, but say something for Christ's sake! You have been in here talking with her for nearly half an hour, at least something you two must have decided upon! I don't know, rearranged things or something…" – he almost begged.

Decided? Decided…? Wow, that seemed like such a strong word for one who didn't know what to do next. Stand up? Cry? Drink some water? Pee? He didn't know.

"Well, we didn't-…"

"Oh, c'mon, so much time!" – he knew his anger came from fear.

"Nick, she told me she was pregnant… and after this we mainly cried over the phone."

Brian looked into his eyes for the first time and Nick felt his insides twisting not to allow himself to cry. He wanted to protest and insist in the irrelevant matter that Brian and Leighanne had everything planned now, but Nick knew Brian was saying the truth, and he believed it, Brian had been there crying over the phone with his almost ex wife about their unborn baby.

"But…. But what… what about…" – he gagged and choked, and everything came from an outrageous effort not to cry.

"Us?" – he offered.

"Yeah." – Nick breathed. – "Us?"

Brian shook his head, seeming so very confused.

"I… I don't know… But I can't let my baby grow up without a father, that much is true."

And that was all Brian had to say for Nick to see their future. The future Frick and Frack would have ahead of them.

For some seconds neither knew what to say. But then Brian started babbling again.

"She was crying, she was desperate, Nick… Leighanne knew she had lost me, that the papers were signed, that I had probably already taken them to court… She said she has known since the day she signed those papers, but she didn't want to get in the way of my happiness…"

"Yeah, so that's why she calls now a minute before we tell everyone of our love, that's exactly why she waits until we are so very much in love that we are about to share…"

"Nick, Nick, please! She doesn't know… how could she?? When she called she had no idea we were in this party, about to tell everyone of us…"

Nick was angry at Brian, at Leighanne, at the baby, but perhaps he was angry at himself the most, because he knew he would have to ask that, it was his part in the story. Yet, he would have given up just so much if could just silence now, now that he needed to blind his heart to his bleeding love and ask that which Brian was ready to answer since Nick had walked in.

"Are we still going to tell them?"

Brian closed his eyes, the knot in his throat ached but he was strong. He would be a father and feel the weight of a baby – his baby! – on his very arms…

"No."

He couldn't, he just…

"I can't, Nick."

The blonde breathed in deeply, and biting on his bottom lip he nodded.

"I can't." – Brian repeated.

"You can't?"

"No."

Nick was silent. Brian waited for him before deciding to speak again.

"And Nick, if I could go back on time I swear I wouldn't… And if I could change it and make it not true, I would, I would give my life to change facts, but I can't! I can't and I can't lie to myself and deny the fact that although I am bleeding right now and my whole love is dying and my happiness drowning forever, out of reach, far away from all of my dreams, I can not deny that I want this baby, and I already love it with the most amazing of loves, you can't possibly understand what it feels like being me right now." – he opened his heart.

Nick cried because he was crying, and crying right now was so against his will! It made him so sad and angry to realize the tears were dropping that crying was simply unavoidable.

"Leighanne, Leighanne… it all sounds so typical of her! What if she is lying, uh? I bet you haven't even considered it, have you, have you?? She's probably drunk and is playing her last card to have you back, she knows a baby is the only thing that would make you come back now…"

"Nick…"

"No, don't you understand? Its so obvious, she wants you back and now she fakes pregnancy! I mean, you guys weren't even sleeping together, now were you? Brian you told me yourself that your marriage was going down the drain, that you didn't even sleep together anymore, that it had been so much time since you guys had a sexual life that…"

"Nick, let me tell you something…"

"No, no… why do I have to listen? Why don't you ever doubt her? Doubt her, Brian, for once in your life don't go running back to her!" – he pleaded. – "You didn't even have sex, its such a blatant lie, she's such a, such a…"

"Nick, we did have sex. It was about two months ago when I saw you with Kevin and went back home. We had sex that night. I needed a relief to the pain eating at me, and she offered me her body. I eased my pain into her. My child was born in an act of despair coming from a broken heart." – he confessed.

The realization was cruel. Cruel, to say the least.

"It was because of me. You slept with Leighanne because of the pain I caused you. Oh my God, it is my fault that I will lose you now!" – Nick choked and fell weak to his knees, sobbing in the most evil of pains in this world. Right now nothing would take from him the guilt of being responsible for their ultimate breaking up.

"Nick… Nick…" – Brian reached for him, Nick's pain and guilt killing Brian.

"Oh, Lord, why? WHY!? Why is it impossible for us? Don't we love each other enough, Lord, don't we??!"

"Nick… baby…" – it hurt so much. If the perspective of a new life wasn't more than he could dream of, Brian would have chosen death over the prospect of leaving Nick again. Of leaving Nick for good.

"Brian, Brian, they must be right! God must be against two guys falling in love, what else could explain all this heartache??" – Nick was despaired and so were his thoughts and the words leaving his mouth. – "We are wrong, we are so wrong…"

"No, honey… there's something you have managed to teach me. Love is always right, and it is always beautiful. Blame it on the people, who just like me are too blind to see the truth in any kind of love. Blame it on the people who just like me are afraid of being open minded, of changing, of feeling. Blame it on people like me, who sit and talk instead of doing like you and living for what you truly want. Blame it on people like me whose weakness allows hatred and prejudice to grow. But before you blame it on me, just remember that I have tried." – Brian broke down crying. – "I have tried with all of my soul and all of my heart and I swear to you, I swear to you I would have given the world to make it up for you, and bring down the stars and the moon, and everything you wished only to see you smile. I have tried and I have changed, Nick. But what has happened now was not to be, it was… Everything I wanted in the worst moment ever. Please, don't ask me to go on with you when I have the chance of having a baby and with this baby a family."

"You could have your baby and have me as your family."

Brian, who was knelt in front of Nick, cupped his lover's cheek.

"Don't ask me to make my child go through this. When I tell you I have changed I mean it, but my baby won't need to go through all the pain I had to Nick, and it was a hell of lot until I realized my love for you was right, I don't want to put my child through the same quest. Not as it will be just a baby, and so young… I couldn't stand my son or daughter growing up in a world that is not prepared for us, Nick. I love you. There's nothing to say, I will always! But honey…. My love… I can not allow that this child I already love so much pays the price for living in a world that denies us happiness. It is too much for me, imagine for a little kid growing up in this evil gossip world that we, as backstreet boys, will always live in? We can't hide ourselves after this past of ours in the media! I'm sorry, dear, but my heart loves you, and despite this it is also telling me that my baby needs me and Leighanne as parents… The baby is not to blame for our insane love."

Nick sobbed. He knew Brian too much not to agree. He wanted to kill Brian for his decision, but if Brian had not taken this decision, then he just wouldn't have been 'Brian', at least not the one Nick fell in love with. A Brian that would unfortunately on most times, put other's happiness above his own, and if Brian thought his future child's happiness to lay in a family with a mother and a father, then there was nothing he could say. Nick felt with a dying heart that made him feel like screaming until the pain was eased, that nothing would change Brian's heart.

"I… I do believe you when you say you have changed. I… I would be an idiot not to say that, because I felt your change…" – he spoke sheepishly. – "I felt your change in that country house. But Brian, that change wasn't enough for our love, it wasn't baby…"

"I know…" – Brian shut his eyes and whimpered, and sighed sadly when he touched his lips to Nick's salty ones.

"And… it pains me because it was my fault… If I hadn't, hadn't slept with Kevin if you hadn't seen us…. Then you wouldn't have gone back to Leighanne despaired and you wouldn't have had sex and now she wouldn't be pregnant."

"Don't you realize it?" – Brian urged him. – "Don't you see it?"

Nick shook his heart slightly.

"It pains me because it was my fault as well… If I hadn't been so coward, if I hadn't married Leighanne, if I had left her when you asked me to… And of course, if I hadn't given you that first kiss…"

"Oh, please, if you remind me of that first kiss I'm gonna die." – he spoke with his stomach and his kidneys and his intestine and everything else he had. He was too fragile as he burned in the great feeling of loss and pain that had just started to begin, before the great one from the past could properly heal. – "But I do, I do see it, Brian." – he confessed, feeling the warmth of Brian's body so close to his own and knowing all of that would be lost.

Nick and Brian stared into each other's eyes. It was their love and there was no one to blame for the things they had done, and the paths they had taken. They couldn't be together because Brian had denied Nick. When they had a second chance Nick had denied Brian. Both consequences had been tragic, and both definitive.

"We are even."

Brian nodded tearful.

"We're finally even, my love."

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Chapter 160
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