The
very beginning of January.
He had made plans to be better. Oh, he had.
Nick
had made plans to get his life back, Nick had truly wanted to be happy. Nick
wanted nothing more.
Nick
had promised to himself he would get over the aching, Nick had seen a bright
future ahead of him.
Nick
had truly, seriously, deeply thought he could – and would! – be happy.
Nick
had been too fucking out of his mind.
The
blond backstreet boy laughed aloud as he caught himself completely drunk in Pop
City at two in the morning.
He
had truly wanted to make things better, to grow up and finally let go of it.
Nick wanted to believe in his friends words, he wanted to do as Kevin had told
him to. And for two days he had tried so hard!! He told himself over and over
that Brian was dead to him, that Brian would hurt him no longer, that he was
free again, free to go, free to love, free to be the person he was before the
pain in his heart took him over. It didn’t take that much for Nick to realize
everything he dreamed to do and be was just plain impossible.
Nick laughed at his sorry being. He was in way too deep to come up now.
He was way too hurting to ever heal. As he drank himself into oblivion
and danced on the smoky place that smelled of cigarettes and sex, he rocked his
body, he gave his brain what it needed to allow him some peace. Nick needed to
lose conscience to be able to breathe. And if it had to be this way it would be
this way.
Fuck
Kevin, fuck AJ, fuck everyone who had ever tried to help him!! He didn’t need
help. He needed Brian, and if he couldn’t have Brian he wanted nothing else
out of this life. He had done drugs, he had tried to kill himself, he had
already drank to oblivion before. What else was there waiting for him behind
door number four? Nick couldn’t stop grinning at his own stupidity. No matter
how drank he was he knew what he was doing. He knew he was fucking up, and he
liked that. If he was going to burn in hell, consumed by the flames of Brian’s
love, he wanted to see how hotly he could make himself burn in the sheer
nihilism of his life. He had been deep in hell, but still hadn’t seen the
bottom of it.
It
sounded crazy, completely nonsense that after all the hopeful thoughts and
promises of changing and making it all better, he would find himself once again
losing it all this badly… But Nick couldn’t help, and if before he was
destroying himself out of self-pity and kind of in the dark, now Nick had plenty
of conscience of what he was doing. He knew he was fucking up his health, his
entire life, but he did not worry. Not because he was drunk, simply because he
really did not care anymore.
Everything
Nick did before was to call Brian’s attention. The drinking, the drugs, the
attempts of suicide… Everything had been desperate to try and make Brian come
back to him. How silly he had been!! Within the alcohol in his blood Nick had
conscience enough to laugh at himself. He had been much of a dreamer. Too much
of a dreamer to actually think there was still any kind of hopes for him… Ha!
Now that was too funny…
Whatever the hell Nick was doing now as he lost his senses to the strong
drink he sipped he was doing fully on purpose. Nick no longer wanted to fuck up
just to have Brian come and take him into his arms. Nick wanted to fuck up for
the sheer pleasure of fucking up. Nick wanted to destroy himself for himself,
not for Brian anymore. Brian wasn’t worth his self-destruction, Brian was
worth nothing. Nick was everything he had for himself, the only one who
understood himself completely, and he wanted to give himself the pleasure of
destruction. The pleasure of fading into his own pain.
Nick
wasn’t giving it all up because he was despaired. He was killing himself
little by little because he found pleasure in this.
The path of getting over Brian and seeing the sunlight again could sound
beautifully wonderful at his ears, but it took too much effort. Despite the few
time in which Nick had tried telling himself it was a hard way worth going for,
he had proved himself he was nor strong nor brave enough to walk up to this way.
It was so much easier to simply let go!! It was so much easier to fall in love
with his pain other than try and heal from it!!
It's
easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
If
I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
Sometimes
I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
Just
washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
Pop
City offered him an inviting atmosphere where everything was better trashy,
getting yourself screwed in all ways possible was positively permitted in order
to have some fun. Who cared his life was supposed to be perfect? Nick for sure
didn’t, he drank more and more, and he ached hotly, he burned to find the
deepest part of this hell. Heaven with Brian was way, way too far away in the
past. Now there was only hell. There was only fire as hot as his throat, that
burned and ached as bad as his head. Nick couldn’t stop grinning.
He
saw the brunette dancing on the floor, and he couldn’t resist. Nick grinned
drunkly and approached her. She was hot, he wanted to fuck. Period.
“Hey
baby…” – he purred hotly into her ear, his arms enveloping the lithe
woman.
She
felt the smell of alcohol in his breathing and immediately took his hands off
her body.
“Fuck
off, I got a date.” – she warned.
Nick
stopped for a minute with a silly and perverse smile on his face.
“C’mon…”
– Nick tried to kiss her using of force and the girl pushed him away harshly,
almost making Nick fall in his dizzy state.
“Get
off!! I’ll call my boyfriend, he’s gonna kick your ass!!”
“You
don’t understand!” – Nick laughed and explained as if to a child. – “I
am Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys!” – he grinned matter of factly.
Her
reply came up in an instant.
“I
don’t give a fuck who you are! Stay away from me!”
“Fuck
you!” – Nick felt a knot of frustration in his throat. He wasn’t the
little boy he had been once. – “I want you, you have to get with me!” –
he tried to kiss her again and the woman slapped him hard.
Whatever
happened next would always be fuzzy in his mind. He had drank way too much to
see anything clearly. He remembered seeing a tall, strong built body pushing
him, there was a guy yelling at him, telling him to fuck off, to stay away from
his girlfriend, and Nick remembered he yelled frantically, over and over to her.
“Bitch!!
You bitch!!!”
A
few people in the crowded place had stopped dancing to watch when a police
officer approached Nick and grabbed him by the arm.
“Sir,
please, I’m asking you to leave the place right now!”
“What?!”
– Nick didn’t look at the man, he didn’t listen to what he said, his eyes
were focused on the gorgeous woman who had just turned him down. Turned him down.
His ego was hurt.
“He’s
Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boy!!” – someone screamed out of the crowd but
Nick’s head hurt.
“Fuck
him!” – the woman that kept his stare eyed him with contempt. Nick’s
temples ached.
“…
right now!!” – someone yelled again and Nick lowered his head, massaging his
temples.
He
tried to walk and everything was out of place, suddenly there was too much noise
and smoke, Nick couldn’t think or talk or feel…! He was scared and almost
choking.
“Nick
Carter, you’re under arrest! Now come on and let’s head out!!”
The
blond had huge eyes and he shrieked when a hurtful hand grabbed him and made him
leave the place. Nick lost focus, lost coherence. When he felt the cold metal of
cuffs being put around his wrists his blue eyes stared in astonished disbelief.
Nick laughed quietly.
“Do
you think this is funny?!” – the policeman yelled. – “Let’s see if you
still think so after we put you in jail!!”
But
the man wouldn’t understand what Nick was laughing about. It was too funny
what had just happened. Behind door number four, the monster, the… the
reality… Nick saw all those people staring at him as he was forced into the
police car, and hot fat tears slid down his cheeks in absurd shock. Nick
couldn’t believe… And Nick was alone. And Nick was scared. His head hurt, he
was still drunk, but one thing he understood: he was alone and about to suffer
the true consequences of his self-destruction. There was a monster behind number
four and this monster wasn’t in his head, wasn’t his creation, wasn’t
about himself or his friends or his problems anymore… Nick was about to have a
taste of this cold monster called reality, and no backstreet status was about to
save him.
---------------------------------------------
Lyrics used: Easier to Run by Linkin Park
Chapter
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E-mail me! luciana_littrell_writer@yahoo.com
