If before it was all acting and best friends getting together, now it was all truth and ex-lovers being apart.

Nick changed completely towards Brian. If during a day he spoke two words to him it was in front of the other fellas, and it was already too much. Brian's heart ached every time Nick passed him by, or was in the same room as him, coz Nick just wouldn't look into Brian's eyes. It was just as if he wasn't even there anymore. Brian had died to Nick, or become invisible.

But the truth was that it was hurting bad inside of him, and Nick could no longer keep his acting up. Brian made him torn, he tore up his heart, took his dreams away by denying his love. And now what could Nick do? He just wanted to die every time he saw Leighanne around him. He knew he couldn't do anything, Brian loved her and blah blah blah. But it hurt! And a lot. Every time they were together that knife entered his heart and kept there in chest, turning from side to side in an endless motion until Nick had to get away to cry his pain alone.

The other fellows just didn't know what to do. Kevin was perplex at the way Nick was acting with Brian, because he truly believed they were ok. He tried to talk to the blond a couple of times but Nick just pushed him away, making it very clear he didn't want to talk to anyone at all about this.

AJ and Howie, specially the former couldn't help feeling guilty for what had happened. They were the ones to tell Brian to talk to Nick, and now look what happened? Nick was being true and not talking to Brian. AJ was talking about this with him right now.

"I'm so sorry, man. About Nick... I wanted you guys to talk and work things out, but now he isn't even talking to you! I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have mind about you guys' business."

"Its ok, AJ. I'm glad you told me the truth about the way Nick acted around me." - Brian sad sadly.

Since four days, when it had happened they hadn't seen Brian smile not even once, unless he was with his wife.

Whenever they were in a room together Nick would just ignore him, if he needed to ask Brian something he asked to someone else, they were going insane with this.

"I just didn't want him to hate me... Nick is my best friend..." - Brian couldn't stand it anymore.

"Oh, man..."

AJ approached him and wrapped his arms around a sobbing Brian Littrell. They were alone in the room, so that Brian cried freely. AJ kept rubbing his back as Brian cried hard against his shirt.

"He can't hate me, J! Nick grew up by my side, we have always been buddies!" - Brian whined.

"Brian... calm down. Just give it some time, ok? Nick is very hurt. I don't know what happened, but whatever comes from you will always hurt Nick more because he needs you more. So that he takes more time to get over it too. I'm sure Nick doesn't hate you. Not even if he wanted he could. He is just saying this to protect himself of crying and suffering more."

"You think?" - Brian asked, not at all ashamed of crying in his younger friend's arms. He just couldn't carry this on by himself! The pain Nick's words made him feel, the hate in his eyes... Brian couldn't live without his best friend!

"Yeah! I'm sure man... Give Nick some time. You two need each other, you are the best friends ever... I don't know what happened, but whatever it was it will be ok soon. I feel you won't be able to be away for too long. You are both breaking apart."

"Nick is not. He said he wouldn't cry in front of me coz he was stronger. Coz I wasn't worth his tears."

AJ could imagine how bad this saying made Brian suffer.

"Brian... don't listen to him. He is saying this because he is hurt..."

"AJ!"

Brian pulled away from their embrace.

"Nick won't even look at me when we are close to each other! When we are with you guys he just won't talk to me unless he HAS to!"

Brian wiped his tears away.

"Maybe you should think of what you did to him, Brian..." - AJ whispered.

Brian almost broke down...

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Today they were going to make the video for Shape Of My Heart.

Producers, scenario, cameras, actor and actress... Everything was ready. Two, three days filming it. A very simple part. They would be all singing, as if playing a role in a theater, while this actress and actor would be the main characters. Something very new... No color in the scenes.

MTV was there during the making off. And not even the press was enough to make Nick talk to Brian. During the whole making off Nick never spoke directly to Brian. Never! He goofed off with all the guys but Brian. He joked with AJ, Kevin, he hugged Howie and kissed his cheek! He was just himself, but no... He didn't even come close to Brian.

Nick couldn't even look at Brian's hand and see that ring on his finger, that presence of Leighanne. It hurt. Just looking at it hurt. God, he loved Brian so much... Not even all this pain, not even all the tears could erase a bit of what he felt. And if possible, Nick loved him even more. Out of the bliss and down to hell. Brian was still everything he needed, everything he wanted. He couldn't take out of his mind the days they lived together... And just what he wouldn't give to be loved by him... To just hear him lying and telling him he loved him. To just have back his best friend and watch TV with him. He needed Brian godamnit! He needed him in all the ways... He didn't even know how he was being able to live without him.

Nick's part to sing. Cameras ready, action!

Brian looked at him at the other corner of the 'stage/scenario'.

"... got nothing to hide no more..."

Brian stood up and walked to the opposite way, the camera focus on Nick.

Out of nowhere Brian sat on the floor and began to do a funk dancing pace.

"... but the show you the shape of my heart!"

Everything is messed up in this world.

A couple more of hours they were taking pictures against the wall of the scenario and now MTV was interviewing them.

They were talking about each other. Funny stuff. Howie's winking problem, Kevin looking at the ceiling... The only time Nick said something about him was when he talked about the way Brian always moved his arm to emphasize what he was singing.

This was something Nick had known forever. This and closing his eyes while singing. This was Brian but no, he shouldn't be thinking about him right now.

Two days of making the video and their part was done, Kevin finished before them, and AJ still had one more day to tape it. But after two days in front of the cameras, in front of MTV Brian and Nick hadn't talked to each other! Nick wondered if no one noticed that coz it was just too obvious something had happened!

Something had happened between them, and now they weren't speaking to each other. No more Frick and Frack. Nothing during the interviews, no more pics together, no more joking with each other. Were people blind? Anyway, fortunately, they seemed to be.

If he could Nick wouldn't even look at Brian. He didn't want, he couldn't. He was fighting to keep his sanity, and every time he looked at Brian memories came up, some to destroy his heart, some to make his dream a hopeless love. But either way they weren't healthy. Nick was going crazy, hair cut, weight put on... What the hell happened to his life in such a lack of time?

The making off was over. In a few days the video would be playing at MTV channels world abroad. Life would go on.

Before going back home Nick looked at Brian one last time. There was a mountain between them. And Brian was just playing the blind not to see it. Why the hell did this have to happen? Why did he fell in love with a guy? Why did he fell in love with his best friend? Why Nick fell in love with Brian?

No, that wasn't what was meant to happen. They should have been just friends, thats what was supposed to happen. Always! Just Frick and Frack, the best buddies, the ones pulling tricks, the crazy fellows! That was all it should have always been. Why did he let this happen? Why did they let this happen? Specially Brian when he didn't mean what he said.

Best friends with benefits? Best friends that slept together even when it was only friendship. Were there friends like this? Guy friends, only friends to sleep together whenever one had a nightmare? Or was this always some kind of love? Why the hell couldn't he be gay? It would be so easy to tell someone about this, to explain things... No one would ever understand this story without saying Nick and Brian were gay. But they weren't!

Nick tried to look at other guys but they did nothing to him. And girls... well, picturing girls had helped him to relieve a little of his tension. Besides, they had never done the 'gay thing'! They had never! They never wanted to! No fucking in the ass, no! They didn't want this... they just wanted to be together and love each other... At least Nick just wanted this.

"I think I'm going home. You coming Howie?" - Nick asked.

"Yes, but will we leave Brian alone? AJ is there at the set and Kevin is home!"

"He can call Leighanne or be by himself." - Nick said harshly only a few steps from Brian, not even looking into his eyes and turning his back on him.

Brian swallowed hard and Howie looked at him.

"Go, Howie. I'm fine."

Howie nodded and followed Nick.

Still without turning around Nick said in a very loud sigh.

"Some people just like to play the victim!"

Brian lowered his head not to cry.

Howie poked Nick slightly but the blond pretended he didn't notice.

It just made Nick pissed Brian acting like the hurt one! It wasn't true, Nick was the one that should be sad with all this, Brian had no right to do whatever he wanted and then cry as if it was his fault! Fuck him!

Best friends with benefits.

How did he fall in love with Brian? With his best friend?

'How did I fall in love with you?' - Nick thought. Over and over...

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lyrics used: Shape of my heart by BSB  and  Head Over Feet by Alanis Morissette

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E-mail me! luciana_littrell_writer@yahoo.com