SURREAL

I had a nightmare... I woke up today and cried all day long. When I left bed I was sobbing and just couldn't help it. I'm still feeling weird, as if my nightmare had been true. I was writing other story of mine, and then I felt the urge of having a white brand new page in front of my eyes. I needed it. And as I got it I began to write. I didn't look at text until it was done. I just needed to write... write about about my nightmare.

Its just surreal. Every time I wake up the first thing to cross my mind is the thought I'll never see him again. How can this be possible? So much pain... I feel so amazingly, completely empty. I lost the will to carry on, I'm not who I was, I'm not who I've always been.

He is not with me. Not anymore. My best friend. My best friend and my lover during so many secret times. My soul mate Brian Thomas Littrell. Lately we had been fighting... little stupid silly things such as our careers.

Money, going solo... was he jealous? Was he angry with what he did to us, with what I did to myself for what he did to me? Its an endless circle. Brian hurt me to do what was right and got married. I cried, I crashed and I came back. Stronger than the silly innocent me, but just as needed of that love.

So many masks of the hurting we caused each other, so many hatred and incomprehension, and still it was always there, but we began to deny this view. The shine, the burning love that would never die. Because it has... had? Lived forever.

If I only knew what was gonna happen... Oh God... All I remember is being at the hospital room. Brian fought with the blond girl and somehow he was there, and then the doctor came to us, one week later of a world where time is not what we think, its what we feel.

I just went mad, mad at the fucking liar. How could he say that about my friend? Brian was fucking sleeping, he was a bastard! I wanted to punch him right on the face but they stopped me. The other fellows. Always there, always around but never inside, never sharing my pain, never knowing our love, right Bri?

At first I laughed, I remember me doing that. I laughed, accused the man in white telling us the sad news. But then I got angry and after being aggressive towards him I made my way inside the white room. He was asleep and those fucking blinds were trying to fool us. They were trying to fool me but oh...! They wouldn't make it.

I walked in... all the while unaware of the agony tears spread on my face. But I whispered to the beautiful face in the bed, and I felt his hand on mine. It couldn't be true. He was asleep, my, my baby Brian. My savior, my home. I broke down.

They had to shoot me, a needle on my arm's vein and I didn't see anything else. Of course, I had been blind by a feeling of revenge. Was it this? Pay back for what he put me through during all these months... the pain, the heartache of his decision... I wanted to prove I was better off by hurting him and crawling into his arms asking for protection. Don't think I managed to pull it off, huh?

I was a fucking asshole with him. But that was ok coz he treated me back the way my flames were hitting him inside. My album, my solo career and he wanted me out of the group. Nick messing up, trying to screw up everyone to shine on his own.

But it was all due to the hurting. Brian, Brian that would jump around bubbling with joy every time I made something of my own. Brian that wanted for me all the happiness and success, even if he had nothing. I told you, its all the hurting we keep... kept? Inside.

Guilty? Probably, I might have felt this way. Because when I woke up the next day and they took me to that saloon I passed out at the sight ahead of me.

That brown godamn box. And he was waiting for me inside. I passed out, my parents... yeah, the ones always far from me, my love and pride, the hurt of doesn't having them close, they were there now. And I woke up with my dad holding me close, trying hard to keep me sane.

I was whining, sobbing... She wasn't there. The blond girl. Otherwise I, or anyone in there would have killed her. But right then I didn't think, just didn't think of it! I was shaking, crying.... you never heard a cry like the one I was having. It was like I had lost everything I had, like I lost everything and everyone all at once, and what was killing me was the thought I'd never be able to say all the unspoken things behind our hatred look, all the love, all the friendship lost somewhere in the past, living secretly behind every offense, every caress... our touch.

I saw Aaron crawling into my arms while my mom held my hand. They all loved him too, specially Aaron. His other brother.

I couldn't but I needed... can you understand? I couldn't see it, but I had to, people were finding it strange, but not really cared I think. I looked at his face knowing I would, I could never see that blue shine every time I woke up, or just whenever I turned around. It killed me. I cried so desperately, so down in the most hopeless side of my soul, of the world, like nothing else mattered and the world could stop spinning. Just a question mark. And then I felt around me his sweater and his scent when he hugged me. When we played basketball and I feel to my knees crying my heart out. The love, the secret love forever. Soul mates. We knew it.

Press was there. They had a great time filming Nick Carter breaking down. But I couldn't see them. My mind was trapped into a world of things that were and were driving me literally insane because couldn't be anymore. Just thinking I would never, never have his arms inside his blue sweater around me, the way it felt so soft... his chin above my hair, his nose against mine and his eyes drowning into mine, I got lost, and now... Now I was alone.

I couldn't accept, fuck! How, how do you tell me I won't hear his laughter?! How???!!!! Fuck this all, I wanna hear his laughter. I want and period. I don't want him to go and fucking period. You all got me? Can you hear me? I want to hear his laughter, you don't understand... I NEED! To hear his laughter... its the air I breath... even if I'm not around, even if we are not together I need to feel his life, his skin against the fresh air, his eyes locked on things and making them beautiful. And for some reason I couldn't let go of the sight of my baby in that blue sweater of his.

I came closer. I need you! No... not true, I didn't seem to be really living. It wasn't life! Honestly, I had fallen into a dark obscure parallel world from where I knew I could never... never in my whole life, do you know whats this? I couldn't never in my whole life get out of. I couldn't come back. To one day, to one minute just to see his eyes opened again. It was gone... He is gone... all gone I'm gone.

They tried to help me but only Brian could help me, and he was there. The brown color, his skin whiter than usual. His facial expression, his nose... I teased on him... Beautiful... every single inch is beautiful and will be forever. Because he is Brian.

I hadn't eaten anything, they wanted me to leave coz it was getting late. But they wouldn't understand I needed no food! I don't need food... I don't need anything else, I'm dreaming nightmares, don't you see? I can't accept it. I don't accept it. See? I don't. What are You gonna do? You better give him back to me coz I refuse to live, I refuse to carry on. I don't want! Don't want and ain't gonna live more. Not until You bring him back. ...

C'mon! I'm waiting, just do it! Fuck... fucking do it, please... Just... ok, just for some seconds give him back, I just wanna say... God I can't believe he is gone. Why did he do that? Why, why why why why! Hey You... no... don't do this to me... I can't take it, I need...

I'm fine, I don't need my parents to comfort me. But I think somehow they all understood, and in the middle of the night I was the only living thing there. With him, in front of me. In the same position. I wondered if it was really Brian my eyes were seeing. Because I had never seen him so grave... so serious and still. Even when we fought... I felt my eyes watering again, even when he fought his eyes had something, he moved, he was Brian. And now, what was he?

I took his hand into mine.

So cold... I whispered. Gotta warm you up, gotta warm you up.... tears, so many I couldn't see my beautiful lover... please Brian, please! Look at me...

Sobs... I was shaking.

I kissed his hand, cold... D... no. I couldn't face it. I'm sorry, please forgive me for everything I did to you. Please Brian... I love you... always have, always will.... I was panting. The silence was scary because it was real. It was even more scary coz Brian would be silent forever, and this I couldn't accept, I couldn't figure out. Not in my plans... I wanted to be there too. Wherever he was. With the angels, his so called heaven. I was sure he was an angel.

I intertwined my fingers with him and hoped, I had hopes! You won't believe it but I wouldn't be surprised at all if he looked at me and smiled. I was sure that could happen, and WOULD happen at any second. Because this was the way it was supposed to be. Always... Always me and him, always together. This wouldn't change, couldn't... I wanted to be with him forever, no matter how would it this forever be.

Brian... I love you... I needed to say that. I love you Brian, I love you please... please open your eyes... Just for one second, just enough for me to say this please!

It was the first time he didn't say it back nor could I see it in his eyes. Really over? Is it over?

My fat tears rolled down my face, and like a hopeful child I hoped my tears would warm him up, and he would look at me, smile, take me in his arms, and I would sleep cuddled into him the way I did when I had a nightmare. No, this couldn't be over! Never, I needed it to survive!

Brian... love you, I love you, I'm in love, my soul mate, don't leave me...

I leaned over and kissed his lips. They were so cold and rigid that my first instinct was to pull away, but I remained there. I pressed my lips into his, and the colder the kiss grew the more scared I felt. I lost him... I had lost my Brian and this couldn't be true.

I stared at his face, waiting for him to look at me, but time passed. I wish that night had never ended, I wished that night had never happened.

They wanted to close it. Close and bury my love. Oh God... how could I live without his body? Crazy but it made me cry. The memories of our first kiss, and all the flashes of our making love. I cried looking at him because he was mine. I had his body, every single inch, and I heard him moan in pleasure, and we held each other when we cried. My tongue had explored every single detail of that cold body. And they wanted to keep my eyes from it till the end of times?!

No! Hell no! Please, don't! Don't, just one more... second, one more minute, hour, years, endless... I need one more life, I want back those times we lived, I want one more day before this happened. Goddamn I wanted Brian by my side, I wanted to argue with him and have him pissed at me, and I wanted to kiss him passionately and feel his hot body on mine.

One last glance to most beautiful face I had ever seen in this world, in all my life. That face was everything I wanted, that face was the key to my own self. And I screamed, I whimpered loudly and insanely when they closed, when they locked away that face.

My mouth hung open in despair and pain, I was vomiting my heart through my eyes, I couldn't walk because I just wanted to go back on time, back on time, back on time!!!!!!!

My convulsive sobs turned into a long whine, all the strength vanished and the pain of my loss was just more than I could bear with. I was dying but forgot to close my eyes.

I was taken home... they tucked me into bed. And waited. I waited long hours just like I still do. But he never came back.

Sometimes I overcome my fear, my despair in facing what happened, and I go there visit him. Always in the same place, a black and white picture of his immortal face. He is not smiling and I cry as I trace my fingertips over the glass, through it, trying to touch the love of my life. I run my hands over the rock, the inscriptions are there, but they didn't have to. I know what a wonderful person he was, only I know just how special, just how... how Brian he was to me. Brian wasn't even a name, it was a noun. That meant affection, that meant friendship, that meant safety, joy, warmth... and more, more than anything Brian meant love.

I didn't like to go there. The cold rock reminded me of his skin and the way his lips had felt. One last time. So different from the heat our bodies created when we touched... when we loved...

I cried just looking at that picture. They say time cures it all. They say time makes us forget, little by little heal all kinds of pain. But everything is always there, just as strong when I see his non colored picture. And I know that his body is there.

My tears come in the way, I sit because I can no longer stand.

His body is there, the body of my soul mate, the one I loved the most... I just can't believe, its surreal... its surreal waking up and hearing the silence the world has drifted into since his eyes aren't opened. I don't believe it. I wanna touch it, I crave his touch...!

I find myself crying over his picture and reason saying I'll never meet him again, never touch, never kiss, never belong. I feel like a fan. Crying over a poster.

I don't believe and don't accept. I have dreams. I have dreams while I'm awake, and not even in one second, ain't no time I don't wait with open arms. Because I believe he is gonna come back.

For me it can't end. I can't understand my baby blue, my Frick, my lover, my world... not being here, not laughing... not making faces... His voice! Please spare me his sweet melody... I cry, and crying has become my addiction. I seem to be obsessed.

I need him. Please come back to me, I need you, stop this! Enough Brian! Enough fooling around, now stop playing hide and seek and come back. I'm tired, ok? Will you come? Yeah, please come back, I'm tired of this game, the show is over, you can come out from the curtains now, I know you are there.

The wind blows and I don't know where I am, but I feel it. I feel Brian is not in my arms and the world, my soul is empty. My heart wherever my angel is now, and I look up to the sky trying to live again. Begging for his help, begging for him to come back and take me. To be together. I don't wanna be without him.

The days pass, life goes on, people go on, facts go on. I go on. But my arms are always opened. I wait, coz I know he is gonna come. They say I've changed since that day. They get sad coz they tell me I have to accept and let it go. But I can't, my heart cant let go of his other half. It can't beat and I need Brian...

I know, its reality. But I don't understand, I don't feel, I don't accept not hearing his steps on the house we are in. And when I dream I have him in my arms... I cry... and I wanna be forever... Why God? Why take him away from me?

I was never the same and I don't know where life is taking me. I wait as a puppy for the noise of his keys as he walks in. Its surreal being in a world without Brian. I have never been in a world without Brian.

I don't want to be in a world without Brian...

The wind dries my tears but I know they are still there, cold against my cheeks.

I seem to hear his voice, but its surreal.

He is not there. Not there when I have a nightmare. I roll on my bed and he is not there... Not there to touch me... I'd give everything just to look into his eyes... and say goodbye. Say I love you one last time.

Say I need him, and I'll be always here waiting.

Brian died. But death doesn't seem to be enough to kill our love. I'm waiting... open arms... and I know he will come back.

E-mail me! luciana_littrell_writer@yahoo.com 
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