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"anytime i ever cut a birthday cake, if i was throwing a coin in a fountain or saying a prayer, i would always say, 'i want to be on saturday night live.'"

"james cagney was my first impression. i'm 2 years old, and i would say, 'you dirty rat!'"

"my mom calls me the baby. as in, 'the baby's coming home this week' or 'did you see the baby's sketch last night?' the baby? i shave, for god's sake. they're flipping out about that, too."

"i'm a horrible driver. my dad taught me, and he sucks. we're from brooklyn, so there's not much need to drive."

"i could work at the post office."
-- on fall-back plans

"i mean, we could write a skit about a man who lives in this seat-cushion."
-- on the freedom of writing snl skits

"i don't want to be too big. I don't want to blow up."
-- on his fame

"you know who partied it up was christina aguilera. The n*sync guys too, they stayed out real late. you wouldn't think it - they were boozing it up. they love shots. they kept bringing me shots. i was like, 'give me a break. i'm almost comatose.'"

"i think every boy in america does. she's cute and very energetic."
-- when asked if he has a crush on kirsten dunst

"and we end up hanging out and doing girlie things, like combing each other's hair, giggling and talking about joaquin phoenix."
-- on the mma promos

"i'm gonna go to the beach. and grow a beard and learn how to surf. just brian wilson it up. just lay in bed in a bathrobe, write genius songs."
-- on his summer plans

"it was the greatest move. now I read the paper every day. i know who john ashcroft is!"
-- on his decision to be the weekend update anchor

"like i donít know who i am? no, i think i know who i am. are you saying Iím schizophrenic?"
-- when asked if he relates to past cast members who had trouble recognizing their personal identity because they were constantly doing impressions (got that?)

"well, it's a really weird fairy-tale story."
-- on getting on the show

"i went to england two summers ago with [gloria]. you start talking english. i was there a week, and at the end i was sounding like, "oh, cheers." my sister was like, 'what's wrong with you?'"

"very warm, in my flannel 'you so crazy!' pajamas."
-- on how he sleeps at night

"i think it's 1-555-shes-only-19, you perv."
-- when an interviewer asked for kirsten dunst's phone number

"i asked her out, but she was like, 'no.' i said to her, 'we have so much in common, though.'"
-- when asked if people think he and gloria are dating

"[gloria's] bedroom was weird. you had to walk through my bedroom to get to her bedroom. so it was the worst, you know? i was starting to use hair spray and stuff and trying to make my hair look cool. and she would catch me. i remember one time I was singing to paul mccartney. this is while everyone else was listening to twisted sister and whatever. and i remember i was lip-synching something in the mirror-like 'uncle albert' or something. [and gloria walks in] with my dad. i saw him in the mirror. i was like, 'oh my god!' and they just shut the door and no one talked about it. they were like, 'dinner's ready.' dinner was extra quiet. it's just so embarrassingly sad, but that's what happens when you have no privacy, you know?"

"we were weirdos. we would make each other laugh all the time, even when we hung out with other kids. like this one girl, we were playing atari with her or something, and my sister, she kept beating this girl who says, 'yeah, i beat my uncle at this all the time.' and my sister goes, 'your uncle must be an ass.'"

"you know what [gloria] tells me at christmas? she goes, 'if we're gonna get each other cds, why don't we just buy our own cds and then not give each other presents?'"

"when [my parents] come up to see the show they wanna stay at my studio. they think it's really big. i mean, i live in a studio, and two extra humans - that's three total. so my mom wakes up at 6am and rattles things and polishes silverware! i'm getting in at 6 because the hours at s.n.l. are crazy. i'm sleeping on an inflatable mattress and all of a sudden i just hear things in the kitchen. frying eggs. i'm like, 'do you think we're in a mansion? i can hear every single thing you're doing.' and she's on the phone, so i'm like, 'where do you think we are, mom? you're standing over me. the shadow of the phone is on my face!'"

"i tried to smoke 'cause paul mccartney smokes and simon and garfunkel smoke. so i got a pack of cigarettes and i'm like, 'i'm gonna learn to smoke, man, screw this.' i was in l.a., and i walked up and down venice boulevard and i'm like, "yeah, man," and i'm letting it hang out of my mouth, you know? and then i got home and it stuck to my lip and i'm like, 'oh fuck!' i pulled it off and my lip ripped open... yeah, my lip stuck to the thing. i have sensitive lips. so i pulled it and... you know when you stick your tongue to some frozen thing? except it was a cigarette. maybe i left it on my lip too long."

"i'm a little upset actually. 'cause, uh, you know, i challenged roker to a fight and now he is pulling this knee surgery crap.... (*later*) you shut your mouth roker! you hear me! i mean, i, i got advice from ali, from muhammad ali. not the muhammad ali, a different muhammad ali. he's a cab driver. and he gave me advice and he told me to kick some ass!"

"this is my peak right here. this is it. i'm peaking. uhh, no, this is it. i mean i'd probably kinda, i always wanted to be on saturday night live my whole life. and then i, uh, got that. and its been the most fun thing ever. and i always kind of wanted to host the oscars."
-- on how hosting the mma's ranks in his "career highlights"

"and i remember one time i went to, adam sandler had a party, and uh, i went to his house and leonardo dicaprio was there and drew barrymore and all these people. and i was just like, 'how you doing.' then i would go to the bathroom and be like, 'oh my god! oh my god!' i'm like, 'don't freak out!'"

"again, with the close-up of my dad. enough. itís mine! canít i have one thing, dad?"
-- when accepting an award and the camera kept focusing on his dad

"back then i'd just start a fight for no reason, like if someone would play [billy joel's] 'scenes from an italian restaurant' twice on the jukebox . . . i'd be like, 'i just heard this song! there's a thousand songs on there and you played it twice! we're not in your apartment, we're in a bar!' there are rules in pool, there are rules in darts, there should be rules for the jukebox."