Please allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Ditzy Lebowitz, and I am a rather rotund calico kitty of considerable charm and charisma. I am not the least bit self-conscious about being a "full-figured" kitty. In fact, I am proud of my eighteen pounds of feline pulchritude, and consider myself "Rubenesque". You might say that I am the Camryn Manheim of the cat world. She is a rather large lass, but quite beautiful, just like me. I consider being plump an asset, not a liability. If my name is familiar to you, it is probably because I am quite famous on the internet, with my star in the ascendancy. Want to hear my story? Well, here goes...
I was adopted at the tender age of ten weeks by an amiable young woman named Ruth. While she had already adopted three kitties, Milo, Alison and Otie, she just couldn't resist taking me home. Since she promised to stake me to a good dinner, I consented to go home with her. That was the wisest move I ever made!
Never before had I seen so much food! Obviously this human wanted to fatten me up! I was a bit alarmed at first, because I had read the story of "Hansel and Gretel" at the kitty orphanage, and was afraid that I would wind up as a "kitty cookie". However, such fears proved ungrounded.
Many gourmet meals were provided for me at Chez Lebowitz. There were overflowing bowls of Tuna, Sheba Succulent Crab, Turkey and Giblets in Aspic, and Meow Mix with Seafood Middles. I ate and ate, and then ate some more. Before I knew it, I became a drop-dead gorgeous kitty with curves in all the right places.
One fine day, Ruth decided to try writing for the internet. She wisely chose me as her subject, and wrote a story about me for the Purina website. Because my homepage was such a hit, she created my very own website, "Purr-fection"! The response was phenomenal! My next site, "Sumokitty", launched me into the gritty, but glorious realm of feline cyber-celebrity.
While Milo, Otie, and Alison have websites of their own, they lack my "killer instinct", which has served me so well. I am the star in this family! Since I am a rather substantial kitty, the next logical step was to become a feline sumo wrestler. I chose Milo as my partner, and we became quite popular on the feline wrestling circuit. Even now that I am a celebrity, I still wrestle with Milo every day. I see sumo wrestling as my ticket to fame and fortune, and Milo is happily along for the ride.
It's common knowledge that I love to eat, especially Meow Mix. Purina has received tons of free publicity from me, yet I have received not one red cent from those ingrates! My people are currently in negotiations with Purina, since I would be perfect as their "spokescat". In fact, I am a veritable walking billboard for Meow Mix! I just chucked my old publicist, and am now represented by the William Morris Agency. David Geffen has my number on speed-dial, and I never go anywhere without my cell phone. I even take it with me on those necessary trips to the litter box.
Soon I will be leaving for El-Lay. I have numerous projects in development, a biopic, a mini-series, and a feature film, "Ditzy Lebowitz - Superkitty", in which I play a feline endowed with super-powers. Not a big stretch there. I expect "Superkitty" to outgross all of the previous "Superman" movies put together. I shall stay at The Chateau Marmont, since I like the funky ambience. They better have "Whisker Lickins'" in the mini-bar. If not, I will make a big stink about it. I will tell my roadie Milo, to make sure that my suite is filled with bowls of M & M's with all of the yellow ones picked out, as stipulated in my contract.
Listen, they expect this kind of behavior from a diva, and I have a reputation to maintain.
My star is definitely rising. Soon I will be a fixture in the firmament of feline super-stardom. This is as good as it gets, if you ask me....
Ditzy's Fantastic Awards Page!
Please Sign Ditzy's Spirit-Book!
Ditzy Lebowitz - Her Amazing Christmas Page!
Ditzy Lebowitz - Superstar!
Ditzy's Fan Page!