I know we are right
It's not always clear
Because I've never felt the fear
Can it stay so good
Forever in time?
I've always felt the rhythm
What happens when
There's no more rhyme?
Nick wiped furiously at his eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the tears from falling. The road in front of him was blurry enough from the continuous light rain; he didn’t need tears further clouding his vision. His other hand gripped tightly to the steering wheel of his jeep as he sped down the interstate.
He still couldn’t believe he had left. Walking out the front door had almost been too hard. He hadn’t been sure he’d be able to do it. But here he was, miles away from home, leaving behind everything that mattered. Well, his leaving wasn’t permanent, but the changes would be. What hurt the most was that he had even had to leave at all. He had never wanted it to come to this. Leaving had never even crossed his mind before, until recently. Until it was too late to change his mind.
He didn’t want to torture himself with thoughts of what he had left behind, but it was inevitable. He had left the man he loved more than anyone or anything and he hadn’t even said goodbye. Kevin. The love of his life. The thought of his lover made his heart tremble. Already he missed him more than he had ever thought possible. And what was even worse was that he knew Kevin would be coming home right about now…their house…and Nick wouldn’t be there. Kevin would find his note and he’d fall apart. The last thing Nick had ever wanted was to hurt him, but this couldn’t be avoided.
He had tried so hard and for such a long time, but it never changed. Kevin wanted one thing and he wanted another. It was as simple as that, and there couldn’t be a compromise, not over this.
When the fear sets in
Where the fire burns
Where I find a place
Where there's nowhere to turn
When the evening sings an eerie song
Longing for the day
You say I'm wrong
For almost two years Nick had latched onto the idea of having a child. After the idea first got to him, he thought about it all the time, talked about it incessantly, researched it…anything he could. There was practically nothing that excited him as much as the idea of having a baby. But Kevin didn’t feel the same way. He wasn’t averse to the idea of having children, but he was never as enthusiastic about it as Nick was.
It frustrated Nick to no end that Kevin wouldn’t even entertain the idea of their adopting a child together. Whenever Nick brought it up, Kevin would listen and smile at Nick’s enthusiasm, but he would never discuss the idea as something they could do. He’d usually dismiss it and change the subject. There was never any explanation as to why; he just brushed the idea aside.
At first it didn’t matter much because it wasn’t something Nick thought about too seriously. But then he did; the idea consumed him. It was something he wanted so badly and for whatever reason Kevin couldn’t, or wouldn’t, understand that he was serious. They only really ever fought about a few times. Nick, frustrated beyond belief, would lose his temper and demand to know why his lover didn’t want to raise a child with him, and more importantly, why he didn’t take Nick seriously. Kevin’s responses would be rather vague…neither of them was ready for a child, that they weren’t old enough, and that they needed time together for themselves first.
Although he never said anything to Kevin, Nick had replies for each of his excuses. No one was ever really ready for a child; they were certainly old enough, Nick being twenty-nine and Kevin being thirty-eight; and they had already been together for six years.
You can find your place
But never fit in
And only when you've left
Do you know where you've been
I can see the light
But only when it's gone
You can go on waiting
But only for so long
The two of them met through mutual friends. At the time, Kevin was a public relations manager with an environmental corporation dedicated to saving Florida’s wetlands. In addition to his job, he was also attending night classes at a local university, studying for his master’s degree in environmental studies. Nick recently graduated from college with a degree in communications but he hadn’t put it to any use yet. He had a random job in sales at a high-class department store and played drums in a small local band.
Nick’s best friend Julie worked with and was friends with Alex, who was a very good friend of Kevin’s. The two of them knowingly played matchmaker and introduced the two men at a random party. Nick was twenty-three, Kevin was thirty-two. They were very different people; of that there was no doubt. At that point Kevin was very job oriented, into school and many environmentally conscious groups. Nick, on the other hand was more enthusiastic about his band and what he’d be doing every weekend. Nick was a partier; Kevin was…well, not. He wouldn’t have even been at that particular party had Alex not dragged him there.
Julie and Alex and spent a good deal of the night trying to finally set them up. They had discussed with each other for sometime about what a perfect couple Nick and Kevin would make, and after many tries, they were now determined to make it happen. And once the two men finally met, the matchmakers had smiled proudly, the look on Nick and Kevin’s faces enough to warrant a triumph. Deciding it was best to leave them alone and get the details later, Julie and Alex went off in another direction giggling to themselves and congratulating each other on a successful match.
Kevin, rather bored with the party already, was just about to leave when he had run into Nick. Someone tapped him on the shoulder and politely asked him to move because he was blocking the keg. Self-righteous smirk firmly in place, Kevin turned around ready to roll his eyes and walk away, but instead he froze, faced with the most beautiful man he had ever seen.
Nick smiled brightly at him and handed him his cup. “Would you get me a beer?” He asked sweetly. It was all Kevin could do to nod and try to smile back. When he turned around to fill Nick’s cup, Nick ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. He had never seen anyone so handsome in his life. His knees suddenly felt like jelly and his stomach was full of butterflies. He was certainly glad that he had only had one glass of beer already. He felt nervous, excited and dizzy all at the same time.
“Thanks,” he murmured as Kevin handed him his cup, now full of beer, although it was mostly foam. It was hard to pour a proper beer when your hands were practically shaking from being so nervous. Then their fingers brushed when Nick took the drink from him. They both shivered. And they both noticed. Suddenly, neither of them was quite so nervous. Kevin smiled rather shyly, which would have shocked anyone who knew him since Kevin was rarely shy. But it only made Nick’s smile brighter, being that he was suddenly feeling rather shy himself.
Without a word Nick motioned for Kevin to follow him. They made their way through the crowded house to the backyard. Nick smiled at a few people along the way and continued to lead Kevin through the yard to a small empty garden in the rear of the property behind the fence. Reaching his favorite spot, (he had been here before) Nick sat down beneath a large tree and motioned for Kevin to join him.
The area where they sat was close enough to still hear sounds from the party, but far enough away to be peaceful. It was a beautiful spot with a great view of the setting sun over the Gulf of Mexico, but neither of them noticed, already too entranced by each other. Their introductions led them to discover that they had most likely been set up by Alex and Julie, for which they were both eternally grateful. They talked for hours; long after the sun had gone down, anxious to know all they could about the other. It was magic and both of them felt it. Neither were really romantics, but no one could have convinced them then that love at first sight didn’t exist. They knew it was true; they both felt it.
After talking for so long they were both hoarse and straining to see each other by the dim light of the moon. Kevin softly brushed Nick’s hair out of his face and then cupped his cheek in his hand, unwilling to stop touching him. Nick nuzzled his face against Kevin’s hand and shifted closer to him on the grass. It was inevitable that they kiss, but neither had expected such a powerful reaction. When their lips met they both jumped slightly before relaxing and pulling one another close. The kiss was slow, tender and deep; full of passion, full of…much more. When they finally pulled apart they were both breathless…eyes bright, lips swollen, cheeks flushed. Nick smiled shyly and fell into Kevin’s embrace, knowing that quickly that he’d always be happiest there.
Before their first kiss all they could do was talk, now they didn’t need any words. They stayed right where they were for the longest time, Nick’s head on Kevin’s chest, listening to his heart beat; Kevin smoothing Nick’s silky hair and holding him close.
After that party they started seeing each other as often as possible. Within weeks they were an exclusive couple, totally and obliviously in love with one another, and both of them convinced that there would never be anyone else. And there wasn’t. For six years they were the couple that everyone envied. They were obviously deeply in love, but not sickeningly so. It was real and everyone could tell. They had a peace and happiness that was rare in young couples; it was like they had known each other forever. And despite their age difference they understood one another in ways that no one had before. They knew each other inside and out. They knew each other’s dreams, hopes and fears as well as their own. They were everything to each other.
After a year they decided to live together. But rather than move into one of their current apartments, they took a chance and bought a house together. Their friends would have advised against it, but one look at the two of them and they knew things would work out. They were happy together for so long. Nick finally found a job he loved with a small record label, Kevin finished his master’s degree and was able to become more hands-on active within his current job, and they were happy. Blissfully happy. Until now.
So what was he supposed to do now? Again Nick wiped at his eyes and tried to breath deeply. The windows of his jeep were fogged up from his incessant sniffling and he could barely see. He thanked God he was only about five minutes from his destination because he knew he couldn’t go any further without completely breaking down.
He parked his jeep in his friends’ driveway and sat still for a few minutes, trying his best to get himself somewhat under control. A glance in the mirror confirmed that his appearance was less than attractive. Puffy, red eyes, tearstained face…the works. By the time he got out of the car he had managed to stop crying but he hadn’t even attempted to make himself look any better.
When he knocked on the door, Julie answered and her look quickly changed from surprise to concern. “Nicky? What’s wrong?” She asked quietly, pulling him inside and out of the light rain. He didn’t answer her right away. A few moments after coming inside, Julie’s husband Brian appeared in the hallway.
“Nick…what’s the matter?” He asked quickly, a concerned look spreading over his features as he took a step forward. After Julie’s marriage to Brian, the two men had become very good friends. And when Julie and Brian had moved away from Florida to Philadelphia, Nick had been just as sad to see Brian go as his long-time best friend Julie.
“I…I left him,” Nick finally answered them both, his voice barely above a whisper, his eyes once again filling with tears. He had no idea how he could possibly have any tears left to shed.
Brian and Julie glanced at one another, shocked at Nick’s admission, and then quickly went about comforting their friend. They took him into their living room, sat him down on the couch between them and let him cry. Nick took his time, trying to talk between sobs, and told them why he had been so frustrated with Kevin…frustrated enough to leave. He just couldn’t understand why his lover refused to take him seriously. Both Brian and Julie had heard Nick complain about this before, but they had never thought it would result in the two of them splitting up.
“Why now Nick?” Brian asked softly, looking into his eyes and absently brushing a piece of hair off of his face. “Why did you decide to leave him now?”
Nick sighed and shut his eyes, reveling in the comfort of his two friends, and took a deep breath. “Ever since I had decided that I wanted a child I had researched it strictly from the standpoint of the two of us adopting…as a couple. But about six months ago…I started looking as a single parent as well,” he admitted softly. “I knew that the chances of a successful adoption were slim to none that way. I mean, as it was, an adoption for a gay couple isn’t the easiest thing to do. But for a twenty-something, single gay man? Almost impossible.” He stopped for a few moments, knowing that what he said next would better explain the situation.
“But I found one,” he whispered, his heart beating faster with excitement and anticipation. Despite his heartbreak, he was incredibly anxious about what was to come. “A little girl. She’s only a year old. Her mother is dead and there are no living relatives that want her. She’s living with foster parents. I met with them twice already and I…I’m going to adopt her,” he admitted, his words coming out in a rush of exhilaration.
“That’s the reason I had to leave Kevin,” he rushed on, his voice once again trembling at the mention of his lover’s name. “I never told him about it, but I was giving him up until now to change his mind, to even just broach the subject with me, to take me seriously…something. But he never did. And in two days…in two days I’ll have a baby girl,” he said softly. He was so tired right now and the warmth of Brian and Julie’s arms were lulling him to sleep. It was too hard for him to think about this a minute longer. His heart was torn in two…the impending adoption combined with the loss of Kevin was too much for him to handle all at once.
Although the two of them had many more questions to ask, they decided to wait, and instead led Nick upstairs to their guest room. Within seconds of crawling into bed he was asleep, clutching a pillow to his chest, his mind trapped between alternating thoughts of Kevin and his soon-to-be daughter.
Hard to go on
It's like waiting for
The other shoe to drop
I'll never stop
Believing in you
It's just we never had to struggle
It all came too easy
I hope we felt what we felt from the start
We've never suffered a broken heart
We've been so blinded by all the best
We never put our love to the test
When he woke up the next morning, Nick sighed softly to himself and pulled the blankets over his head. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted Kevin back. It had been hell sleeping without him, knowing that he was far away, probably crying, upset, brokenhearted and wondering why it had come to this. Nick hated the fact that he had been forced to hurt Kevin in order to get what he so desperately wanted. He had never wanted that. But Kevin had left him no choice.
After crying again in the shower, he joined Brian downstairs on their deck and sipped quietly on a mug full of coffee. “Nick…can I ask you something?”
Nick remained silent for a few minutes before nodding. “Yeah, go ahead.” He knew what was coming, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go over it all himself, let alone with anyone else.
“Why didn’t you tell Kevin why you were leaving? I mean…why didn’t you give him the chance to change his mind? You never told him that you had found a child to adopt…. What if you had told him, making it impeccably clear that you were serious, and then given him the chance to be by your side so that the two of you could adopt her together?” Brian asked softly, trying to sound concerned, which he was, rather than overbearing.
Nick sighed and stayed silent for several moments. He looked away from Brian and shut his eyes. “You’re right,” he admitted, hating the way his heart was aching. What Brian had said made perfect sense, and had he thought about any of this more rationally, he might have done just that. But it was too late now. “I just…I wanted him to want it as badly as me. I didn’t want it to be an ultimatum…the child or it’s over. I didn’t want it to come to that Brian,” he explained softly. “Of course, I didn’t want it to come to this either,” he added quickly.
“But you see Bri…if I had done that. If I had told him what I had done, that I was going to adopt a child…he would’ve gone along with me, I know he would have, because he wouldn’t want to lose me and because he loves me. But…that wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be fair to me, to Kevin or to the child, because Kevin would only be doing it for me then. He wouldn’t want it himself and in time, it would have probably just made us miserable.”
Brian nodded, never really processing the situation like that. “So why did you come here?” He asked. “I mean, not that we don’t want you,” he rushed on, hoping to get a small smile out of his friend. “But you said that you were going to finalize everything with the adoption tomorrow…shouldn’t you be in Florida?”
Nick shook his head and rewarded Brian with a tiny smile. “No,” he said softly. “She’s here,” he said. “The baby…Nicole, I should say…she’s here, in Philadelphia,” he explained softly. A loving smile came over his face when he mentioned her name. He hadn’t named her himself, and although the adoption agency had mentioned that he could change her name being that she was only a year old, he had decided against it. He liked the name Nicole and he wanted her to have the name her mother had given her before she had died.
“Bri…I’m going to explain everything to Kevin eventually, but…not until after I go back to Florida and get everything settled with Nicole. I took a small leave of absence from work and I want some time for just her and I before I go back,” he said, standing up and finishing his coffee. Brian stood up next to him and they both leaned their arms against the deck railing.
It didn’t surprise Brian when Nick started to cry again. All he could do was slip his arm around his friend’s shoulders and pull him close, hoping to comfort him in some small way. He admired Nick for what he wanted to do and the courage he had in going through with it all. But he knew that Nick was dying inside. Brian had never seen two people so in love as when he had met Nick and Kevin. He had thought that nothing could tear them apart. And he was hoping that somehow, things could work out for them in the end.
Later that day, when Nick went upstairs, he finally worked up enough nerve to pull out his cell phone. As he had suspected there were a ton of messages from Kevin. Thirty-five messages to be exact and even more missed calls. They were from their home, from Kevin’s cell, and from Alex’s house. Nick’s fingers trembled as he pressed the appropriate buttons to delete all thirty-five messages without ever listening to them. He couldn’t listen. They would break his heart and quite possibly his will.
He knew he could call the older man back and explain everything now. If he did that, he was positive Kevin would be on the next flight to Philadelphia to find him, to hold him…to love him again. But he just couldn’t. This was too important to him, and he wanted Kevin’s love and support…not his consent. From the very beginning, when the idea to have a child had first gripped him, the thought that he would adopt a baby on his own had never crossed his mind. And even for so long, after frustration after frustration with his lover, he still had grasped only to the belief that someday they would adopt a child together. Like he had told Brian, it was only within the last six months that he had let his views change, and the idea that he would find a child on his own had took root. At first he had dismissed it vehemently, positive that somehow, someday, Kevin would come around. But he never had and the idea had grown and grown until there was no avoiding it.
“Do you want one of us to come with you?” Julie asked Nick as he got ready to leave. She could tell how excited her friend was, but she also knew he was nervous.
Nick shook his head, stood up and grabbed his keys off of the dresser. “No…but thanks sweetie. I…I have to do this on my own,” he said softly. They both knew he was referring not only to today and the adoption process, but also to the fact that he was now planning on raising this child on his own.
“Brian and I will be waiting here for you,” she said softly, reaching out to give him a warm hug.
“Thanks,” he replied gratefully, hugging her back and taking comfort in the fact that he didn’t have to be alone right away.
It was hours later when Nick returned. The sound of a car door shutting made both Brian and Julie jump up from the living room couch and open the front door. Despite their thoughts and individual opinions about what Nick should or should not have done, neither of them could deny that the sight before them was beautiful.
Nick stood outside his car, next to the open back door, with a baby girl in his arms. He was smiling radiantly at the bundle in his arms who was gazing up at him intently, trying to figure out who he was and why she was with him. Julie and Brian waited a few minutes before making their presence known to him. He looked so peaceful and so completely happy with little Nicole that they didn’t want to do a thing to disturb him.
When Nick finally looked up, he smiled at his friends, who he just noticed were watching him. “Come and see her,” he called happily, his voice full of pride and wonder. He was absolutely amazed by Nicole. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and he was sure he could go on staring at her forever. Her tiny body was so warm in his arms and he could feel her little heart beating strongly against his chest. Her eyes were a bright blue, much like his own, and full of curiosity.
And he loved her. He loved her fiercely and unendingly. It had taken hold of him instantly. The second they had placed her in his arms; his heart had been gripped tightly by love for her. No love had ever been so instantaneous and so powerful. Well, except his love for Kevin…. But that was completely different…yet so similar.
“She’s beautiful Nicky,” Julie remarked softly. Nick looked up at her and Brian and smiled. He was positively beaming with happiness and love. It lit him from the inside out. The only thing that would have made him happier would be if Kevin were here to share this with him. But, for the moment, he refused to let himself dwell on what he had lost. He couldn’t. Nicole’s very presence wouldn’t let him. It still hurt like hell and he knew he’d never get over it, but for right now he could only concentrate on his baby. He was completely infatuated, completely in love with her. He didn’t stop smiling all day and all night. She was perfect.
The next morning Nick woke up early after only a couple hours of sleep and smiled again as soon as he laid eyes on his daughter. She had barely slept last night, but now she was sound asleep. Unable to resist, Nick picked her up very carefully and wrapped her in a blanket. He headed downstairs for a new bottle, knowing she’d probably wake up hungry. Last night, after they were settled inside he had asked Julie to go out and get a list full of stuff he needed for Nicole.
Careful not to wake her, Nick heated up a bottle of formula and then took it with him out onto the deck. He set the bottle down on a small table and sat down with Nicole in his arms. He watched her sleep, a dreamy smile on his face, and softly stroked her cheek. There were so many things he needed to learn. All the research in the world couldn’t prepare him for the way he felt now. He was desperately in love with her. He felt a powerful need to protect her and to make sure she was always happy. But he was also terrified. He had never really thought about how scary raising a child could be. He’d have to remember to ask his mom if she had been so scared. He wondered if it would have been as scary if he were raising her with Kevin instead of on his own. But he quickly pushed that thought aside, knowing it would hurt too much.
An hour later he was still in the same spot, sometimes drifting between sleep and reality, the baby in his arms a light weight against him. She was awake now and watching him quietly, her hands occasionally waving in the air. Nick smiled when he felt her body moving. She stopped her movement and looked at him curiously, still trying to figure out who he was.
“I love you,” he whispered, smiling and running his fingers over her stomach. She watched him for a few minutes more before her face broke out into a smile, a tiny gurgle escaping her wide-open mouth. Nick giggled and continued to rub her stomach, which caused her to keep smiling. He thought his heart might burst. She was so precious to watch, to hold. He couldn’t get enough. After a few more minutes, he stood up and walked over to look out over the deck railing, humming softly to the baby.
Can we face ourselves
Like we face each other?
We've never felt anything
On our own
I can't wait much longer
To feel any danger
I hope we're not living for
A lifetime alone
“Nick…”
He froze at the sound of Kevin’s voice and didn’t move an inch. Nicole noticed the change in his mood and she squirmed in his arms. He took a deep breath and looked down at her, rocking her softly to keep her content and forcing himself not to cry. He should have known that Kevin wouldn’t have just stayed in Florida waiting for an explanation. He should have known that Kevin would try to find him. And what better place to look than at Nick’s best friend’s house?
He took another deep breath and turned around. The two of them stared at each other for several minutes not saying a word. Nick felt his knees trembling and the tears in his eyes were dangerously close to spilling down his cheeks. He wanted to run into his arms and tell him he was sorry. He wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him that he loved him. But he stayed right where he was, trying desperately not to cry and softly rocking his daughter.
Kevin couldn’t breathe. The sight of Nick was overpowering and more than he ever expected. It happened every time…whenever he saw his lover his heart jumped and a thrill ran through his body. But this was different. They had been apart for three days, more time apart than they had spent for so long. And Kevin still didn’t know what he was going to do.
When he had come home that day and found Nick’s note, at first he didn’t believe it. He read the words over and over again. The words that said nothing, that explained nothing…all Nick had said was that he had to leave and he didn’t know if he was ever coming back. He had called the blonde’s cell phone non-stop for an hour, leaving message after message, begging him to pick up and explain what was wrong. It was hours later before he managed to dial another number than Nick’s. He called Alex and explained what had happened. By the time Alex got to his house, Kevin was hysterical, sitting in the same spot as where he had found Nick’s note hours ago, and sobbing.
He kept repeating to Alex that he didn’t know why Nick had left or why he wouldn’t answer his phone calls now. His heart was breaking and there was nothing that could take his mind off of Nick. More importantly, there was nothing that could take his mind off the fact that he did know why he had left. At first he was too in shock to think about it. But as he lay in a guest bedroom at Alex’s house that night, crying and clutching a pillow to his chest, the reason crept up on him. He knew why his lover had left. It was his fault. He had known all along that by pushing Nick aside whenever he brought up the notion of adopting a child was hurting him. Kevin hated what he was doing to Nick. He hated shooting him down each time he brought up the subject, pushing it aside and pretending it didn’t matter. He could see very well just how serious Nick was, how passionate he was about the idea. But his stubbornness and unwillingness to let go of the past had blown up in his face. Nick had left.
“I know why you left,” Kevin started softly, staring into the blue eyes he knew so well, hating himself for making them look so sad.
Nick looked surprised for a moment but then the look quickly turned into confusion. He didn’t understand. If Kevin had known…if he had always known that Nick was serious about adopting…then why had he behaved the way he had?
“I had to,” Nick replied softly, glancing down at Nicole and then back up at Kevin. He hated the way he had left and the simple fact that he had hurt the man he loved. But what he said was true. He had to leave. “I didn’t want to hurt you Kev,” he went on. He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, holding back his impending tears. “The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. But you…you left me no choice,” he pleaded, hoping that maybe Kevin would be able to forgive him. He took a deep breath and paused for another moment, knowing he had to say his next words, but not wanting to cause his lover anymore pain. “Kev, if I could go back I’d…I’d do it differently. I wouldn’t just leave you a note. But I…I still would have left. I had to,” he finished in a whisper, turning around when a tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek. He didn’t want Kevin to see him cry now.
“Please don’t cry Nicky,” Kevin whispered after staring at Nick’s back for a few silent moments. He could see the younger man’s shoulders shaking slightly with his sobs and it broke his heart. “And don’t apologize to me. I told you…I know why you left,” he said softly, trying to get Nick to understand that it wasn’t his fault. It was Kevin’s fault. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry Nick,” he said softly, swallowing hard over the lump in his throat.
Nick spun around and looked at him with a shocked expression on his face. Kevin nodded and tried to smile. “I was giving you a deadline,” Nick started softly, staring into his lover’s eyes. “Six months ago I changed the way I looked at adoption. From the beginning it was always something I wanted for us as a couple,” he began to explain. “But after a year and a half I…Kevin, I started to lose hope,” he said sadly. Kevin winced at the look of disappointment and hurt in Nick’s eyes.
“You never took me seriously and…it was something I wanted so very badly. I couldn’t understand why you didn’t understand that,” Nick went on, taking a moment to breathe deeply and get his trembling voice under control. “So six months ago I started looking to adopt a child on my own. And I found one,” he whispered, glancing down at the Nicole who was still watching him with wide eyes. She seemed to not want to interrupt, maybe sensing somehow that Nick was upset and that this was very important.
Kevin swallowed hard and for the first time really let himself look at the child in Nick’s arms. He took a step closer to the blonde and peered down at the baby. He couldn’t deny that she was beautiful. Nor could he get past the fact of how right she looked in Nick’s arms. How right Nick looked holding her. The love on his face as he gazed down at her was unmistakable. Despite the situation they were in, Kevin couldn’t help the small smile that crept across his lips. Nick looked beautiful holding her.
“This is Nicole,” Nick whispered after a few minutes. “Her mother died after childbirth and she doesn’t have any living relatives that would want to take care of her. She was in a foster home and I…a few months ago, I met with her foster parents and they…they agreed to the adoption,” he said softly, his voice trembling again. He still really couldn’t believe that Nicole was his. It didn’t seem possible.
“I was giving you until three days ago to change your mind. All I wanted was for you to take me seriously, to meet me halfway…something. But you didn’t and so I had to leave. Kevin, I never wanted it to come to this, but you left me no choice. I need her. I’ve always needed her. Why…why didn’t you understand that?” He asked, his voice breaking and tears once again falling down his cheeks.
“Oh Nicky, I’m so sorry,” Kevin murmured, stepping forward and framing the blonde’s face in his hands. With his thumbs he brushed the tears off of Nick’s cheeks. Careful not to disturb the baby, he leaned slightly forward and pressed a small kiss to Nick’s lips. Nick trembled under his touch, wanting nothing more than to fall forward into Kevin’s arms.
“Baby, I have an explanation for all this, I do,” Kevin whispered, his hands still on Nick’s face, his fingers lightly stroking his soft hair. “I realize that it’s a little too late, but…I want to explain to you why I acted the way I did. Will you let me?” He asked softly, pleading with the younger man.
Nick nodded and the two of them sat down side by side on the glider. He shifted Nicole in his arms and reached for her bottle, knowing she might become fussy soon. Kevin ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. There had never been any secrets between the two of them. Except one. There was one thing that Kevin had never told Nick, one thing in all their six years together that he had kept from him. He had never thought that it would be the one thing that could possibly tear them apart for good.
“Nick…I’ve always been completely honest with you. About everything,” Kevin began, hoping desperately that maybe somehow this would help. “Except one thing.” Nick looked at him in surprise and waited for him to continue, also hoping that Kevin’s explanation would somehow bring them back together.
“At first I didn’t tell you because…well it’s not something you just bring up when you start dating someone. But then later I just…I never really found the right time or the right way to tell you and then after a while I just let it stay a secret.” He glanced down at Nicole and stared at her for several minutes. She was staring back at him, watching and studying him calmly. It seemed she was also waiting for his explanation.
“When I was in college I had a girlfriend,” he went on in a soft voice, hoping the memory wouldn’t be that painful. Nick cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. Kevin couldn’t help smiling at him. “I realized then that I was also very interested in guys, but at the time I still found women attractive too,” he murmured. Nick nodded in reply and smiled back ever so slightly.
“Her name was Melanie and I really did love her quite a bit. Looking back, I don’t know if I was ever really in love with her because…well, love didn’t start for me until I met you…” he trailed off, glancing quickly into Nick’s eyes before looking away again. He cleared his throat and continued. “We were both twenty and we’d been going out for about a year when she found out she was pregnant. We were scared…terrified actually. But what was worse was the fact that we knew we didn’t want to get married. I loved her, yes, and I knew she loved me, but neither of us was ready for married and more importantly, we both knew we didn’t want to marry each other. Fortunately, neither of our parents were the type that would set out to force us into marriage.”
Nick watched him intently, never saying a word. He was very surprised. Kevin had told him about the time he had spent in college before, but the subject of a girlfriend had never come up, let alone a child. It hurt to know that Kevin had kept this from him, but somewhere inside, he was starting to realize that maybe this secret would be the one thing that could make everything ok again.
“Melanie didn’t want an abortion and that was the last thought on my mind. We discussed giving the child up for adoption, but in the end we decided we’d keep the child and raise him or her together…even though we knew we’d never get married. I think she knew even better than I did that we’d never make it as a couple,” Kevin continued. So far this had been easy and Nick was just quietly listening, processing his information. He didn’t seem angry or upset with him. Kevin just hoped that this would somehow make things better.
He took a deep breath and paused for a minute, knowing that what he had to explain next would be so much harder. It had been almost eighteen years ago and it still hurt. “The baby was born prematurely…by almost two months,” he went on quietly, trying…and succeeding to keep the emotion out of his voice. But he wasn’t so lucky with his next sentence. “His name was…Jason.” His voice trembled and he felt tears prick the back of his eyes. Nick automatically reached his free hand out and rested it on Kevin’s shoulder. He swallowed hard over the lump in his own throat, hating to see his lover in pain. Glancing down at Nicole only made it worse, because he realized what kind of pain Kevin must have gone through.
“He only lived for…four days,” Kevin said as he tried his hardest to keep his tears under control. But when he looked up into Nick’s eyes the spilled over onto his cheeks. The younger man was squeezing his shoulder and looking at him with the most comforting expression on his face. He wished he had told this to Nick sooner, knowing that Nick would always be their to take away his pain. “Nicky…he was so tiny,” he sobbed. “I only got to hold him once but…I loved him so much. I still do and I…I miss him. When I held him he…he looked up at me, for just a moment, and our eyes connected and I…God Nick, it was so amazing,” he whispered, quickly wiping at his eyes. Nick moved closer to him and slid his hand to the back of Kevin’s neck.
“It hurt so badly when he died, and I’ve…I’ve never really gotten over it. I miss him still. And Nicky that’s why…that’s why I resisted adoption. I never wanted to hurt you. But the more passionate you became about the idea, the more I tried to avoid it. Because I didn’t want to hurt that way again baby,” he whispered, reaching his hand out and squeezing Nick’s arm.
Making sure he didn’t disrupt Nicole, Nick leaned forward and pulled Kevin in for a kiss. They both sighed when their lips met and melted into each other. Nick threaded his fingers through Kevin’s hair and kissed him deeply, slipping his tongue into his mouth and tasting him, exploring the mouth he knew so well, savoring every second of the kiss. When they pulled apart, they stared into each other’s eyes, both sets filling with tears again.
Nick looked down at Nicole and then back into Kevin’s eyes. Carefully, he moved even closer to the older man, keeping the baby between them. Kevin seemed to know what he wanted and he glanced down at Nicole and then up again at his lover. Without a word, Nick gently placed the baby in Kevin’s arms.
For a moment Kevin froze and just stared down at the child, entranced by the feeling of holding her in his arms. She was warm and soft and squirming slightly against his body. With her fingers in her mouth, she gazed up at him curiously, much like she had been looking at Nick before. Nick watched Kevin intently and held his breath. Slowly, he reached out and rubbed his fingers over her stomach, hoping to get the same reaction he had gotten before. Nicole didn’t disappoint. After a few moments, she smiled up at Kevin and gurgled happily.
Kevin felt his heart get caught in his throat, and suddenly it was very hard to breathe. Quickly he glanced up at Nick, shock written all over his features. Nick smiled tenderly and cupped the older man’s cheek in his hand. He leaned forward again and kissed him softly. “I love you Kevin,” he whispered against his lips. He pressed his lips to the older man’s cheeks, absorbing the fresh tears that had fallen.
“I love you too Nick,” Kevin replied in a fierce whisper after a few moments, looking deeply into the younger man’s eyes. “Promise me you won’t ever leave me again,” he begged.
Nick swallowed hard and brought his other hand to the other side of Kevin’s face. “I swear,” Nick promised, softly running his thumbs over the older man’s face. “And promise me you’ll never keep something so important from me again, ok?” Nick asked.
Kevin nodded quickly. “I promise baby. I love you too much to lose you. We can make this work. I know we can. Nick, I…I think I love her,” he whispered, smiling softly, sounding rather amazed. Nick smiled back, his heart swelling in his chest.
“I knew you would,” he murmured, leaning forward, resting his forehead against Kevin’s and shutting his eyes. Kevin held Nicole carefully with one arm and slipped the other around Nick’s shoulders. “We’ll be all right?” Nick asked in a soft voice, never opening his eyes.
Kevin kissed him softly and smiled softly to himself. “Yes, baby…we’ll be fine.” Nick opened his eyes and the two of them smiled at each other and then down at their baby girl. She looked back and forth between the two of them, studying them both and seeming to be content in their arms. Nick had his baby and the love he needed so desperately. Kevin had his love and the baby he hadn’t even known he had needed. Things would be all right. Together…that’s how they were right.
Song used, "No More Rhyme" by Debbie Gibson.
