It was a beautiful night in a city he barely knew. Nick walked alone, searching the streets of Los Angeles without aim. He needed time to clear his mind, find some answers and most of all try to calm down. It was earlier that afternoon when he received a voicemail from his publicist stating what he had secretly feared the most.
“Hi Nick, this is Joel, I did not want to be the one to tell you this, but since even your closest friends find it hard to tell you the truth, I have no choice…in an interview published in a foreign yet reliable magazine, Brian stated that your decision to do a solo album was detrimental to the group. He gave you an ultimatum Nick, do the solo album or leave the group. I doubt he was that serious and did not have the balls to say it to you personally, but either way Nick, it’s far from supportive. If I were you I’d try to contact him and clear this up. I can’t say for absolute certain that it’s the truth, and I think I know you well enough that if it is true, you’re going to be upset. Give me a call when you get this resolved or if you need anything. I’ll be in a meeting till 7 with some execs, but don’t hesitate to leave me a message. Talk to you soon Nick, Take care.”
His hand held the phone close to his ear as he listened to the message for about the 10th time. It was as if he needed to make sure that Joel said what he did, that it all just wasn’t the realization of some horrible dream that he had been having for weeks. Slowly, he folded up the phone, placed it in his pocket and crossed the street. It was almost 4am in LA, a city that supports itself on the homes of celebrities, where seeing just one in a day was rare. Nick was thankful for this as he walked back to his hotel. He could have stayed with Kevin…or with AJ, but both were with their wife or fiancée and the truth is he only talked to them every other week at the most simply to say hello and try to keep communication open between them. Nick’s feet dragged along the pavement as he pondered Brian’s words. He knew a part of what he said was right, even though Nick was thrilled about finally having the artistic freedom he had always craved, there was a small part of him that worried if he would destroy the relationships and trust he had built over the last 10 years. He tried to speak to the rest of the guys together to talk about his decision but getting them all together was impossible…Howie would be attending movie premieres and the rest of them were usually wrapped up in charity events or their women. Nick felt that first pang of guilt and fear when he told Brian over the phone. It was mostly a one-sided conversation, Nick trying to explain the best way that he could why he was discovering his own sound. Nick remembered his exact words. “I know this is going to cause some changes, but I hope that it doesn’t change anything between us Brian…” Nick waited for an answer…. “Brian?” “I’m here Nick. There will probably be changes that you don’t even expect…I…I just don’t know what to say right now Nick…I do understand where you’re coming from, but I just don’t know…after everything with AJ and the Firm…” “I know Brian, but we’re going to have some time off anyway…” “ I know…I just need some time. You do what you have to do but just remember Nick….10 years.”
There was silence on the other end after that and those words echoed in Nick’s mind as he approached his hotel. “10 years.” He whispered to himself. 10 years not only of success, performances and making music, but of friendship. He promised himself in the beginning of making his solo album that he would never doubt himself, but now that the words came from Brian’s mouth, there was no denying the betrayal. Nick’s hurt soon turned into anger as he rounded the block. He hadn’t talked to Brian in months…the rest of the guys had least tried to contact him if they didn’t hear from him for over 2 weeks. It used to be that Nick couldn’t possibly go 2 days without hearing Brian’s sweet, angelic voice. Of course they did have a history together, a sexual, passionate and loving history that had disappeared when Brian met Leighanne…but that didn’t matter to Nick anymore. He lost his best friend, and in doing something to try to release his pain and hurt from the relationship, he had lost Brian completely. Yet a part of him felt far from sad or hurt from losing his best friend because he knew that it wasn’t all his fault. Brian told a magazine…not any of the other guys or even a record exec…a magazine! He could tell the world before he could tell Nick in person and that is what upset him most of all.
As he passed through the doors he didn’t even look towards the concierge to ask for any messages or visitors, if he had even looked at Nick the wrong way there would soon be a fist in his face. As he entered the elevator he was torn between running to his room and burying his face in a pile of pillows to cry or punching them till he was exhausted. He leaned his back against the mirrored wall in the elevator and looked at his reflection. His face was flushed and his newly cut hair was disheveled. His white t-shirt was slightly sweaty and his tight fitting jeans hung just in all the right places. He slowly slid a hand over his flat stomach, still amazed that he was so skinny. It was then that he realized what he needed…ice cream…room service…yes, that’s what he would do. Screw everyone else, he was 22, and he was going to have fun no matter what anyone thought. He barely noticed the door open to the top floor as he was staring into the glass, giving himself a pep talk. The bell rung and startled him.
As he slid the card into the door and pushed, he entered his large room, first entering the small living room. The door to his bedroom was still closed from earlier and he decided to call room service before stripping down to his boxers. “One pint of Ben & Jerry’s one sweet whirled. Thanks.” He hung up the phone and immediately ripped off his shirt, the bellhop would just have to deal with his bare chest, he felt too confined. Within minutes, there was a knock at his door. He tipped him generously as any good person would for door delivery of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, opened it and helped himself to a sweet spoonful. Walking slowly towards his bedroom, he slid open the door and walked over to the nightstand to turn on a small light. He decided just to relax on his bed, watch Trading Spaces and eat his favorite comfort food. As soon as the light flickered on he jumped back, dropping his ice cream and spoon onto the nightstand.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Nick asked loudly, completely shocked and angry. His heart beat fast as he studied the man lying on the bed before him. He had been sleeping, but now was wide-awake and staring back at Nick. He pulled at his white t-shirt and jeans, straightening them as he rose from the bed, standing opposite Nick. “I asked you a question.” Nick said sharply. Part of him was stunned from seeing his former lover and best friend after such a long time. Brian’s beauty always captivated him, and even as angry as he was, he couldn’t help but want to hold him.
“Joel called me.” He responded quietly, uneasiness and fear evident in his voice. “So?” Nick responded, now crossing his arms, waiting for a response. “I didn’t want it to happen the way it did…I never thought…” “What?!?! That I wouldn’t find out about it? That you can just go flaunting your disappointment and anger with ME to the rest of the world and assume that I wouldn’t find out about it? Well looks like you were wrong.” Nick didn’t move as he spoke; yet his level of anger and frustration was evident in his glairing eyes and deep voice. He didn’t care if Brian was trying to be nice or apologize, he was so hurt by the what he had said and even though there was still such an incredible chemistry between them there was no way he was going to give in so easily as he had done so many nights before. Brian always thought that he could simply just kiss him…then run his hands over him…then make love to him and make everything go away. Not this time Nick thought to himself. “Please Nick, just sit down, we need to talk…” “Fine. I’ll sit, but I have nothing to say to you right now Brian.” Nick did have something to say, to just explain that he was so happy doing what he was doing, that the time he had taken made him realize that he could be independent. He didn’t need the other guys backing him or protecting him to make his dreams come true. But he wanted to hear what Brian had to say first. He didn’t pick this fight.
Nick watched Brian sit on the bed, sitting far away from him not to provoke any more anger as he began. “Nick, I know what Joel told you…and every word of it is true.” “What?!” Nick asked as if deep down he was shocked, he heard Joel say it was, it was printed in black and white, but there was still a small part of Nick that wished it was all a misunderstanding. Now he knew that wasn’t true. “Then why did you come here Brian? To tell me that I’m officially out of the group…had to say that to my face, huh?! I can’t believe this!” Just as Nick was about to get up from the bed again, Brian grabbed his arm, forced him back down and said, “Nick, please! I swear, I wasn’t thinking straight. Just listen…please.” He was practically begging and Nick sat quietly as his rage boiled within him. “When you sent me the album, I was in Europe. I listened to it and I couldn’t get past the fact that it was so…” Nick turned to look at him, almost warning him of his choice of words. “Different…and personal…Nick it was like the past 10 years of our relationship was all coming back to me…and…” Brian struggled to think of how he was going to bring himself to admit what he was about to say. “Nick the album is great. The only way I can describe it is…You…every song, every note, every word is you Nick. But I think what bothered me the most is how much you have changed. You look so great. You’ve finally come into your own and I’ve never seen you happier.” Brian paused for a moment and Nick was completely silent. He had no idea how to respond. Brian didn’t seem mad or upset, but almost lost and worried. “I’ve grown up Brian.” Nick said softly, breaking the uncomfortable silence. Brian shook his head in acknowledgement, rose from the bed and walked towards the nearby window overlooking the city. “You don’t need me anymore…you don’t need us anymore… I said those things because I didn’t want to completely lose you. I’m so sorry Nick and I know that I can’t take those words back…but…” Brian got quiet as Nick approached him. “Brian…” Brian turned to face Nick and saw tears streaming down from his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere Brian and I thought you knew how much I love you and all the guys that I could never do anything like that.” Brian attempted to place a hand on Nick’s shoulder but he swatted it away. “ No Brian, listen, this time apart hasn’t been easy for me either. I miss all of you horribly, I miss waking up in your arms on the bus in the middle of the night, playing basketball whenever we had time, and just every little thing that I took for granted before…but that is why I had to do this…I have to learn to depend on myself. All of you are moving on with your lives, starting families, separate lives away from the group. When I thought of being abandoned by everyone, I knew that I had nothing else to fill my life but the group. Now I know who I am, what I want, and I’m not lost in the circus of what our lives have been like for the past 10 years…I’m sticking with my first love, music, it’s what makes me happy, and Brian, I’m honestly the happiest I have been…since…well since…” “I know…since we were together.” Nick didn’t feel stupid admitting it anymore, and Brian didn’t feel bad for saying it aloud. Both could recognize that their time together was one of the most incredible and loving times of their lives, but now they were completely different people leading two separate lives.
“Growing apart wasn’t easy, it nearly swallowed me up whole, but I found a way to get past the pain by expressing myself through my lyrics and in doing that, I’ve found this purpose. And Bri, it’s not just that…” Nick started as he wiped away his drying tears, “I’m having so much fun! It’s such a blast to write my own music, not have to argue with anyone and be as loud as I want to be!” Brian smiled for a moment, but it faded quickly. Nick’s hand slowly rose to lift Brian’s chin and meet his disappointed stare. “But I’m never going to give up what we have. We’re a group and we’ll always be together no matter what. I love you, our music and our fans, what we have is magical and I could never live without it.” Nick wrapped his arms around the smaller man and held him closer than he ever had before. “I love you too Nick, I miss you so much.”
They stood like that for minutes, neither wanting to let go of what they had longed for. Finally, Brian pulled away from Nick’s chest, but still placed his hands loosely on Nick’s hips. “So you forgive me?” “Well, it’s more like I understand you now. I think talking like this could have saved us all this trouble.” “ I know Nick, and I’ve been a real asshole…” Brian looked down for a moment then back into Nick’s eyes. Nick saw something that scared, surprised and excited him at the same time…passion…desire…Brian grasped Nick’s hand and led him to the bed. They lay facing each other on the bed, both propping themselves up on their elbows, their other hands resting on the bed between them. “Nick…I’ve missed you…” Brian slowly leaned in closer to Nick’s face, and no matter how hard Nick tried, he couldn’t pull away. A part of him knew it was wrong…Brian was married, but he had dreamed so many nights of just kissing Brian one last time. Brian’s hand reached around Nick’s neck and pulled him closer. Brian’s soft lips gently brushed against Nick’s as both slowly closed their eyes, memorizing each sensation as if they both knew it would be their last. Nick licked his lips before feeling Brian press harder, their lips melting together. Both whimpered as if they were tasting a sweet candy from their childhood that brought back so many memories, so many feelings and was something that they had both fantasized about for many years. Nick’s hand slowly moved across the sheets to Brian’s hip, resting it there and caressing the material of Brian’s jeans. Every touch was electric. Brian’s tongue slithered across Nick’s lower lip, briefly taking it in his mouth before releasing it and slipping his tongue into Nick’s mouth. Nick slid his tongue slowly against Brian’s, wanting to taste every inch of him so that it would never leave his memory. Both knew it was wrong…that they should stop…but there were no expectations, just the touching, and caressing of each second that filled their mind.
Brian’s hand leisurely slid over Nick’s soft skin of his shoulders and down his back, sensation of touching his soft baby smooth skin again bringing back a flood of memories. Nick reached for his hand and brought it to his mouth, running Brian’s index finger slowly over his sensuous lips. Brian moaned as Nick licked his fingers slowly before placing sweet kisses on them. Brian gently removed his fingers from Nick’s mouth and replaced them with his own, kissing Nick sweetly on the lips. Pulling away he whispered, “You know we can’t do this…” Nick knew exactly what he was talking about. Even though they both wanted to feel the way they used to again, neither wanted the risk of more tears and drama, especially Nick…he couldn’t feel so connected to Brian again and then have him wake up the next morning, his scent still on the pillow next to him, and walk out the door. “I know….” Nick said, still only inches away from Brian’s face. “Can I just hold you?” Brian asked almost apprehensively as if Nick was going to deny him that. “I’ve just missed you so much…you’re my best friend.” Nick smiled, his heart warmed. “I’ve missed you too Bri…and I don’t care what is going on, we can never be apart for this long again…even once a month, I just need to hear your voice.” Brian agreed and pulled Nick into his arms. He kissed him lightly on the forehead as Nick rested his head on Brian’s chest, listening to the lifeline of his best friend. Brian’s hand ran over Nick’s fresh tattoo, studying the artwork. “When did you get this?” he asked. “A few weeks ago…the shark was lonely…he needed a home.” Brian smiled and pulled Nick closer as they drifted off to sleep.