Why am I so lazy??

            Why do I just assume that everything is going to fall into my lap?

            Maybe because it has so far… I feel so selfish sometimes. God has been good to me, even with all the hardships I’ve had to endure I still feel so blessed. Since my mom died I’ve had so many wonderful things happen, I’ve even fulfilled some of my life’s goals.

            So why am I still unhappy?

            I mean, I got to go to Miami. Stayed at the most beautiful hotel on the beach, had an amazing photo shoot, and had my first real audition. Even though I didn’t make Popstars2 it was still such a wonderful experience and it made me realize I still had so much to learn about life… then I went to New York City for the first time – with my best friend Christy, and had an amazing time; dancing for a crowd in Bryant Park, and my first appearance on TRL. It was a good trip. Even though Christy and I didn’t spend much time together – I think we grew closer in a way, but I also learned the importance of being able to make it alone, and how to have a good time by myself too.

            Then I got accepted to college – TCU (Texas Christian University) – what a great school! College was quite an experience for me…but I never quite realized why I was there until I wasn’t anymore. I helped a lot of straight “army-type” guys learn to be open minded and I made some great friendships that I know will be long-lasting. College opened some new and exciting doors for me and some of the doors…

            …led to things I never would have expected.

            While at TCU I got to be in an amazing choir and got a free trip to NY and performed at Carnegie Hall with my choir. That definitely was a dream of mine… what singer wouldn’t want to perform at Carnegie Hall?!?

            But the day I performed at Carnegie was also a momentous day for another reason.

…It was the first night that “Britney Valentine” performed in New York.

Britney was another blessing that God sorta gave me in disguise. Mu Phi- my fraternity at TCU- had a “suppressed desires” contest type thing one evening. Little did I know that my “suppressed desire” would soon consume my life and become such an integral part of my whole existence. “Britney” gave me a taste of fame, of power, of my ultimate dream. She gave me such a confidence I never had experienced before, and she gave me an outlet to perform all the type of stuff I always really wanted to do.I realized that as I grew as a person I also grew as a performer. My performances got better… and my look evolved to a level I would have imagined.

            “Britney” became her own person – a side of me thathelped express everything I could never get out as Kody, but she also became sort of a vice.

            An addiction almost…

            …she gives me a rush that no drug, no alcohol, no other person could ever give me. Maybe it’s the actor in me, but I just love getting to be someone else for a night. It’s such a different energy, but I almost feel bad… I feel like a little bit of a cop-out. I’m kinda taking a little bit of someone else’s fame. I mean, I look like Britney Spears, I dance like her, I act like her, people even call out “Britney!” when they see me on the street. So it’s sorta half-and-half. Yes, I have some instant credibility because of my resemblance to Miss Spears, but I also feel that I have gained lots of credibility on my own because I am a good performer on my own.

            It’s more than just “the look” I know I could make it as Kody…but I think it all goes back to the whole lazinees thing that I started talking about in the beginning.

So back to the post High School stuff… So Britney became quite popular in Dallas and at TCU. I was the talk of the school, and I was even the first female impersonator in the history of the Christian University to be on the cover of their quarterly magazine – and then I was crowned Prom Royalty at SMU’s Gayla Prom.

…but it wasn’t enough for me…

I needed more. So I sold everything I had in Texas, I mean everything! My furniture, my tv, my car (my beautiful 2001 miata that I loved so dearly) – and moved.

Moving to NY, alone, fulfilled another of my life’s goals, but it was still one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. I left everything …and everyone I knew. I was officially “on my own” for the first time…but  I thought it would be better than this though, you know?

            I expected so much more, but did I really think it would all just come to me? Do I deserve it? I don’t know… I’ve done a lot of good, a lot of selfless things for others, but most of all I have good intentions. I want to have fame for so many more reasons than just having a nice car and a nice house – I want to be able to give… and to affect change. But are good intentions enough? What about all the stupid things I’ve done?

            … all the times I’ve thrown my morality out the door and put my mortality at risk?

What happened to me? I used to believe in love, I used to have standards… gees! I feel let I’ve let myself down these past few months. What happened to that kid who wasn’t happy until he fulfilled his goals? The one who overcame a brutal gay-bashing, his mother’s death and so many other obstacles and came out with a smile on his face? I miss him…

            …so I met Sarah Jessica Parker and Britney Spears recently, one of my other biggest goals… just a few left to accomplish… fame, and… true love. I’ve spent to much time looking for love though…and I always end up disappointed. Maybe that should tell me something. Perseverance might not pay off this time – it will just lead to STD’s and more heartbreak. I think it’s time that I really start focusing on my career. I’ve got to do it this time – stop talking about it – stop thinking about it…stop feeling sorry for myself and just do it, damn it.

            But how do I jump over this huge hurdle that lies in front of me… loneliness… 

6 million people in New York City… why am I still lonely? Everything, everyone I know and love are gone now. Either in prison, in Texas…or dead. What do I have left?

Hanging out at a bar night after night with these people, my friends – the bar staff, and the vultures that hover over me…what kind of life is this? I have so much to offer...but no outlet… and the only good thing on the horizon right now is the REAL WORLD: Paris. I’m in the running for it, but like most things I really want … it’s soo unsure.

So now I have to decide, do I make a move… or do I continue to play…