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Ray & Rico Joke Archives

JOKES PAGE IS CURRENTLY BEING UPDATED. EXPECT A FULL PAGE BY FRIDAY!

Q: What is the Cuban National Anthem?
A: Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q: What do you call bad lemonade?
A: Lemon Lemonade

Q: Did you hear about the gay midget?
A: He came out of the cupboard

Q: What kind of beans do cannibals put in their soup?
A: Human beings

Q: What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A: A drunk drives through a stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

Q: How do you know when it's bed time at Michael Jackson's house?
A: When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q: What is a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?
A: Fire.

Q: What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
A: His partner.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: "It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes!

A guy asks a young blonde he's just slept with, "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"
The blonde ashed out her cigarette and replies, "You might be. Your face looks familiar."

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman stands up and shouts, "I've had enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to appologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sittin' on your knee!"

Tommy Shaugnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you again, Tommy Shaugnessy?"
"Yes, father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with? Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies, "I cannot say."
"Patricia Kelly? Liz Quinn? Or was it Maggie Leonard?"
I'm sorry, I won't name her."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaugnessy, and I admire that. But you must atone."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What did you get?"
"Four good leads," says Tommy

The sex-ed teacher draws a picture of a penis on the board and asks the class, "Can anyone tell me what this is?"
Johnny stands up and says, "I know what it is. It's a penis. And you know how I know? My dad's got two of 'em."
The teacher is a little surprised. "Two of them? Are you sure son?"
"Of course I'm sure. He used the little one to pee with, and the big one to brush the baby-sitter's teeth."

Two lunatics are out on a theraputic bike ride. All of a sudden, one of them stops and takes the air out of his tires. The second one asks, "Why did you do that?" The first one says, "I can't reach the pedals, thought this might help." So, the second one takes his bike seat off and his handlebars off and swaps them around. The first lunatic asks, "Why did you do that?" So the second says, "Well, if you're going to be stupid, I'm going home!"

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows the truth about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused the father asks what's wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't fuck, I'll have nothing to live for."

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags, honey. I just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care...just get the fuck out!"

A small white guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The black man sticks out one huge hand and says, "Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball. Turner Brown!"
The white guy faints dead away! The black dude picks him up and brings him back by slapping his face, then says, "Sorry if I startled you, son. I always introduce myself that way. My name is Turner Brown."
The white guy says, "Thank God! I thought ou said, 'Turn around!'"

Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a gas station in St. John's while on a tour in Newfoundland, Canada. The pump attendant starts filling the tank as Tiger climbs out and accidentally drops his car keys.
As Woods bends down to pick up the keys, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "They're for putting your balls on when you drive."
"Wow!" says the attendant. "Those boys at Volvo think of everything!"

President Bill Clinton walks into a fourth grade classroom.
Teacher, to Clinton: "Would you like to lead a discussion with the class on the word tragedy?"
Clinton: "I'd love to. Can anyone here give me an example of a tragedy?"
Davy: "A car runs over a boy playing in the street. That is a tragedy."
Clinton: "No, that's an accident."
Missy: "A school bus crashes, killing 50 children on board. That would be a tragedy."
Clinton: "Sorry, honey. I'm afraid that would be a great loss."
Little Johnny raises his hand: "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, is struck by a missle and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Clinton: "Fantastic! Can you tell us why that would be a tragedy?"
Little Johnny: "Because it wouldn't be an accident, and it's certainly no great loss."

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