How to Spot A Fake
$100 Bill
Under US Law, guess who eats it when you get stuck with a phony greenback. You do. Learn to eyeball your C-Notes for:
*A microprint reading "United States of America" around the sides of Franklin's portriat.
*A watermark of a second, smaller bust of Franklin to the right of the portrait, visible when you hold the bill up to light.
*Red and blue fibers embedded in the paper.
*The total absence of a tiny Jar-Jar Binks pearched on Franklin's shoulder. And stop using your counterfeits for rolling paper.
British Accent:
Suspect a rat if your would be limey is Madonna or does any of the following:
*Peppers every sentence with "Jolly good" and "Bloody".
*Overstresses the duration and length of vowels. A real Brit puts a short "a" (as in father) in dance, pass, and chance.
*Forgets to make hard T's. Americans say "Latter" the same as "Ladder", and "writer" the same as "rider". But, you'll hear those T's when a Brit speaks.
Diamond
The fact that your stone cuts glass doesn't prove diddly-squat anymore. The best option is to bring the rock to a gemologist certified by the Gemological Institute of America, who will run it through a series of tests you can't do at home, measuring refraction, specific gravity, and the like (see www.gia.org for more info). And avoid buying your diamonds from anyone who throws in a set of steak knives.
Woman
If you like to avoid a replay of "The Crying Game" in your own bedroom, remember:
*Male hands tend to be larger and show more lines and veins than a woman's delicate mits. A square, angular jaw line suggests that your lady is a laddie (possibly Superman).
*Cross-dressers often wear equipment binding corsets to hide the pickle. If she always sits down gingerly, be suspicious.
*Look for facial and body hair camouflage such as turtlenecks and shimmery, opaque tights. Don't forget about the Adam's apple.
*Finally, peak under the bathroom door when she takes a pee. If her shoes are facing the toilet, run boy, run!
How to Talk to Animals
Dogs
Your pooch may be smarter than you. Dogs have about a one-hundred-word vocabulary, so keep it simple. Always call your dog by name and reinforce each command with a hand gesture. Also, "auto train" him. When he is sitting down, say, "Astro, sit." When he is walking towards you, say, "Astro, come." Soon you can send him to Blockbuster!
Lions
Lions love raw meet and slow moving natives. Try to entice them with smell and taste stimuli. You'll need to start training your lion as a cub; as he grows teach him commands (and reinforce hand signals) for instinctive behaviors like attacking moving targets, roaring, and following yellow brick roads.
Dolphins
Trainers use whistles as cues and hand signals for directions. To teach a dolphin how to do a flip, and drench nearby t-shirted women, have him swim after a ball attached to a pole. Then start bringing the ball out of the water in verticle archs. Use verbal praise, rubdowns, and toys just like your boss.
Apes
Your last girlfriend was ugly and deaf, so you should have no trouble signing with a gorilla like Koko. "We started by showing her an object and then forming the sign for it in her hand," says Kevin Connelly, Development Director of the Gorilla Foundation in Woodside, California. "If she's holding a toy, smiling, and purring, we tell her that's happiness." Not to be confused with a "vibrator"!