TOP 20 THINGS TO DO IN A PUBLIC WASHROOM

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.'
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.



THINGS YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR ON A PLANE'S PA

1.Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2.Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3.Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4.Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5.ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6.(As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....
7.I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
8.Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
9.This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......
10.It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.
11.We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh shit..
12.Don't worry that one is always on E...
13.Get the parachutes ready...
14.Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15.Hey capt'n take another hit man...
16.Hey why don't you tell the new Stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane...


REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants